Today I went to the doctor to talk about anxiety medication. This was hard and scary for me. I didn't realize just how hard it was until last night and this morning. I've had a lot of feelings come out in the last week just deciding to do this but last night they kind of all culminated.
Friday I felt a real need to talk to my mother. Last night I tried to talk more to my husband. Neither of them really like the idea of "mind altering drugs." Without their support I felt I can't do this. They both have tried to be supportive and understanding, but I've been left feeling a bit misunderstood. These are the two people I need most in the world to support me and care and I really felt that I couldn't go ahead with this if they felt it was bad idea.
This morning I took a deep breath and decided that I quit taking medication before in part for Jeff. Now I will take it for Rayne. If me being well is for her (and I'm sure Jeff and Caius as well, she's just the most noticeable at this point) then I will do what it takes. And that thought gave me the courage to go.
I think it is also good that in doing it for her, I felt myself care that I also do it for me. I think that's what I need my mom and husband behind me for; I can do this for my daughter but I need someone caring that I do it for me. It needs to matter that I am happy and well.
After talking a bit to Jeff last night, I got in the shower and cried like crazy. I had so many thoughts and feelings come to the surface. It was good for me to understand my feelings and to understand that this is a big deal and that just asking for help and admitting that I feel like there IS something wrong and it IS affecting my family is a huge, hard thing. I wish I could put in words the thoughts I had last night. I feel like if I could just say it that way, people would understand and recognize that yes, I do need something. So, I will try...
There is a person locked inside of me. She has thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas. But like a caged animal beaten to submission, she sits and waits, not daring to hope for a chance to be free.
What you see on the outside is a broken person. I'm not really here on the outside. When I'm in the room with you, whoever you may be, stranger or friend, I am quiet. Like still water, I reflect back to you an image of yourself. My mind is blank. I don't know what I like or what I think or what is funny. It's hard to talk. It's hard to laugh. I used to say that I hated the sound of my own voice and it's because it could betray me. With you, I am the still water that has drown the person inside.
But unlike the still water you see, I feel my body racing, pulsing, shaking, fidgeting, pounding, gasping for air. My heart beats out of control. It is hard to catch my breath. My hands twitch and fidget in self consciousness. I feel as if I am surrounded by static electricity and I am fearful that at any moment I will feel that familiar, stinging SHOCK. I feel constantly afraid. But to be fearful, you have to be afraid of something and there is nothing that I'm truly afraid of, it's just there is no other way to describe this feeling.
With people I am closer with, more comfortable with, the feelings are not so intense, but yes, they are usually there at least somewhat. You don't see it, I like to think because I have learned to hide it so well. I am good at coping. With you I can laugh and I can have thoughts and opinions, but really, if my feelings are different than yours, these feelings come even harder because with you, I do fear something. I fear your disapproval. I fear losing your love. I do not know unconditional love when it comes to me.
With any of you, I try so hard to be what is pleasing, what is acceptable, what will avoid conflict or drawing much attention to myself.
I NEVER get to be just me.
If a little bit of medicine can stop my body from drowning me, or at least calm me down enough I can find the key and let myself out, how, why, would you deny me that?
Monday, December 17, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Tuesday with the Psychiatrist
Tuesday we again met with the psychiatrist. She is absolutely wonderful and brilliant. I feel like she pulls us right in as soon as we walk in her office, gets right to the point, and knows exactly what has been on my mind and what questions to ask. I had practiced what I was going to say to bring up what I needed to talk about but I didn't even have to- she did.
One thing we talked about is the mother's anxiety. She said, I don't remember if she gave an actual percent?, that a great deal of the time if the mother's anxiety is treated, the child's improves dramatically. People with anxiety and kids in general are often like emotional sponges. They soak up anything around them whether they even understand it or not. She told me of what she's seen and what I've had to say that makes her think that I should get my anxiety treated and see if that helps Rayne.
The truth is, I've been thinking for some time that I should get back on some medication for this. I know when I took it before, it kind of changed my life. It's like the only time in my life that I've felt normal and able to just exist. It's hard to explain how I feel most the time but I've been trying to figure it out. Jeff does not like the idea of taking "mind altering drugs." He's not completely unsupportive but he thinks I should be able to get control of myself in other ways. While he acknowledges that that doesn't mean it's easy, I don't think he really understands how I feel and how my brain/emotions/psyche all work. It's kind of discouraging for me. Well, quite discouraging. It makes me hesitate to get the help I feel I need because it makes me feel like I'm weak and doing things wrong etc etc. But, if it will help Rayne, I am willing to be brave enough to take that step. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday.
As for helping Rayne, we also talked about the pre-school they have at the Center. They call it a therapeutic pre-school and the therapists/teachers would know what she faces and how to help her deal with it. The classes are set up to get the kids talking and dealing with their issues. It would help her to practice separating from me, which is basically our goal in helping her deal with the anxiety. Get her to learn to cope and deal a bit on her own so she is empowered and able to grow into an independent person.
I think the idea of the pre-school sounds great and I'm somewhat trying to think of making it work and taking that step. But I hesitate a lot. It's five days a week for three hours a day. That's a long time for my little girl who can't even be in another room sometimes when we are home, to be away from me. I like the idea of her working with someone who could help her learn she's okay without me but I think it would be absolutely traumatic at first. I'm pretty sure she would have a full blown panic attack and to not be there to help her and let her know she's okay, no matter who is taking care of her, feels really wrong to me. But I do question if it's a step we should be taking. If it's my fear holding her back so she can't get past hers. This is something I need to think and pray about. Anyone have any thoughts? I'd like to know some other opinions.
We also talked to the psychiatrist about the therapy we've been going to. I told her that I don't feel like anything is changing and that I am a bit frustrated. She said it's not a big deal to try a different therapist. Typing now, I feel like isn't that great? Maybe we could just see if something clicks with someone else. It's not personal, it's just seeing if something else works. But at the time it was extremely difficult for me to say that. I told her that I don't want to say it like the therapist we've been working with isn't any good etc so she is going to talk to her and see what she has to say and just have us come back to the psychiatrist the next time, see how my "therapy" is going and then go from there.
So, I feel like we are at least going somewhere. There are things to do and try and that feels better. Sometimes I feel like we are making way too big a deal out of this. It's just who Rayne is and I just need to be there for her. Other times I worry so much about that poor girl. I just want her to be happy.
One thing we talked about is the mother's anxiety. She said, I don't remember if she gave an actual percent?, that a great deal of the time if the mother's anxiety is treated, the child's improves dramatically. People with anxiety and kids in general are often like emotional sponges. They soak up anything around them whether they even understand it or not. She told me of what she's seen and what I've had to say that makes her think that I should get my anxiety treated and see if that helps Rayne.
The truth is, I've been thinking for some time that I should get back on some medication for this. I know when I took it before, it kind of changed my life. It's like the only time in my life that I've felt normal and able to just exist. It's hard to explain how I feel most the time but I've been trying to figure it out. Jeff does not like the idea of taking "mind altering drugs." He's not completely unsupportive but he thinks I should be able to get control of myself in other ways. While he acknowledges that that doesn't mean it's easy, I don't think he really understands how I feel and how my brain/emotions/psyche all work. It's kind of discouraging for me. Well, quite discouraging. It makes me hesitate to get the help I feel I need because it makes me feel like I'm weak and doing things wrong etc etc. But, if it will help Rayne, I am willing to be brave enough to take that step. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday.
As for helping Rayne, we also talked about the pre-school they have at the Center. They call it a therapeutic pre-school and the therapists/teachers would know what she faces and how to help her deal with it. The classes are set up to get the kids talking and dealing with their issues. It would help her to practice separating from me, which is basically our goal in helping her deal with the anxiety. Get her to learn to cope and deal a bit on her own so she is empowered and able to grow into an independent person.
I think the idea of the pre-school sounds great and I'm somewhat trying to think of making it work and taking that step. But I hesitate a lot. It's five days a week for three hours a day. That's a long time for my little girl who can't even be in another room sometimes when we are home, to be away from me. I like the idea of her working with someone who could help her learn she's okay without me but I think it would be absolutely traumatic at first. I'm pretty sure she would have a full blown panic attack and to not be there to help her and let her know she's okay, no matter who is taking care of her, feels really wrong to me. But I do question if it's a step we should be taking. If it's my fear holding her back so she can't get past hers. This is something I need to think and pray about. Anyone have any thoughts? I'd like to know some other opinions.
We also talked to the psychiatrist about the therapy we've been going to. I told her that I don't feel like anything is changing and that I am a bit frustrated. She said it's not a big deal to try a different therapist. Typing now, I feel like isn't that great? Maybe we could just see if something clicks with someone else. It's not personal, it's just seeing if something else works. But at the time it was extremely difficult for me to say that. I told her that I don't want to say it like the therapist we've been working with isn't any good etc so she is going to talk to her and see what she has to say and just have us come back to the psychiatrist the next time, see how my "therapy" is going and then go from there.
So, I feel like we are at least going somewhere. There are things to do and try and that feels better. Sometimes I feel like we are making way too big a deal out of this. It's just who Rayne is and I just need to be there for her. Other times I worry so much about that poor girl. I just want her to be happy.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
This week's check-up: Being the Boss and Koasting the Wave
On my most recent post, the wonderful Melanie commented that you can't control your children. She also said that you have to be the boss.
I have never been good at being the boss. I can't make anyone do anything. I sometimes get so frustrated that my children don't know that they are supposed to do what I say and that I'm the one in charge. It's even more frustrating to realize that I don't believe these things. I try to say things with confidence and conviction so they know they are really supposed to do it and I'm really the boss, but if I don't feel it, how can that come across?
As I've thought on this this week, I've thought about the last job I had and the boss I had. She wasn't mean or "bossy." She didn't make us do stuff. But she could get us to do stuff. We had a good team, and I suppose that helped, but our boss was awesome. She would motivate us. She would get us on board. She would give us an assignment and completely be there to back us up but pretty much leave it to us to decide how to get it done and when to fit it into our schedules to meet the deadline.
Perhaps, even as a mother, being the boss isn't about being in control of them or making them do things and forcing behaviors. That wouldn't be very effective, especially not long term. Being the boss is about being in control of the situations, the jobs that need to be done. It's about motivating people. It's about knowing who can do what job, what jobs they need to do and providing ways for them to accomplish them.
I talk a lot to my sister Karen. She has a lot of insight into a lot of things. One of her phrases is "koast the wave." This week we were talking about me having a mathematical brain and needing things to line up and go the right way. I commented that I sometimes wonder if I'm really that way or if I learned to be that way. I suppose it doesn't matter. I think with children, while the whole time you are supposed to be in charge and in control and one step ahead... really when it comes down to it, you need to go with their flow. I can't make them pee or eat or sleep, but I can provide the means and circumstance conducive to doing these things. I can even make some rules about it all. And then, I have to get myself to sit back and just breathe.
So far, my "check up" posts haven't been what I originally intended. I wanted to talk about me and what I need and little goals I want to start making. But these other topics, as I've thought about them, have helped me get in touch with myself. I didn't want to write as mother or wife, but just me, having a moment to get back to me and maybe even let go of these other titles just for a moment to make sure I'm still there. Perhaps that's still coming.
I have never been good at being the boss. I can't make anyone do anything. I sometimes get so frustrated that my children don't know that they are supposed to do what I say and that I'm the one in charge. It's even more frustrating to realize that I don't believe these things. I try to say things with confidence and conviction so they know they are really supposed to do it and I'm really the boss, but if I don't feel it, how can that come across?
As I've thought on this this week, I've thought about the last job I had and the boss I had. She wasn't mean or "bossy." She didn't make us do stuff. But she could get us to do stuff. We had a good team, and I suppose that helped, but our boss was awesome. She would motivate us. She would get us on board. She would give us an assignment and completely be there to back us up but pretty much leave it to us to decide how to get it done and when to fit it into our schedules to meet the deadline.
Perhaps, even as a mother, being the boss isn't about being in control of them or making them do things and forcing behaviors. That wouldn't be very effective, especially not long term. Being the boss is about being in control of the situations, the jobs that need to be done. It's about motivating people. It's about knowing who can do what job, what jobs they need to do and providing ways for them to accomplish them.
I talk a lot to my sister Karen. She has a lot of insight into a lot of things. One of her phrases is "koast the wave." This week we were talking about me having a mathematical brain and needing things to line up and go the right way. I commented that I sometimes wonder if I'm really that way or if I learned to be that way. I suppose it doesn't matter. I think with children, while the whole time you are supposed to be in charge and in control and one step ahead... really when it comes down to it, you need to go with their flow. I can't make them pee or eat or sleep, but I can provide the means and circumstance conducive to doing these things. I can even make some rules about it all. And then, I have to get myself to sit back and just breathe.
So far, my "check up" posts haven't been what I originally intended. I wanted to talk about me and what I need and little goals I want to start making. But these other topics, as I've thought about them, have helped me get in touch with myself. I didn't want to write as mother or wife, but just me, having a moment to get back to me and maybe even let go of these other titles just for a moment to make sure I'm still there. Perhaps that's still coming.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
What am I doing???
I'm pretty sure I have it in my head that a good mother really would starve her children until they were hungry enough to eat what they were given. Of course, it's okay because it really wouldn't take starving them for them to realize they are hungry and this is what they get. But today is not the first time I have really felt like I am just going to throw out what is in my head and listen to what I almost know inside myself. My girl will NOT eat because she's hungry. They suggest cutting back on juice and other drinks so she's not filling up on that and not giving candy and other treats. Okay, I agree, she gets too much of that stuff but I also know from experience that it's not going to make her eat something she doesn't want to eat just because she didn't have that extra cup of juice today.
She is getting extremely picky though. I had decided to incorporate more of what she likes into our meals so that I know she will eat something. It seems like this has just made her more picky. An example, she loves canned peaches but this summer she wouldn't eat fresh ones even when I sliced them because of the red bit on the side that touched the pit. Even if I was meticulous about cutting it off, she wouldn't go for it. Okay then, canned it is, it's better than none right? But now she picks out so many "gross" pieces even out of the canned ones that it's beginning to not be worth giving them to her. Kraft dinner, an old stand by that at least I knew she was eating something and I'd sometimes sneak some baby food squash into it to make it a bit healthier, the last few times we've had it, she's too busy or it's too hot or by the time she gets to it, even though I try to make her come sooner, it's too cold and sticky.
I am seriously starting to worry! The doctor says she's okay because her weight is okay, she's getting enough calories even if her nutrition might be lacking. Well, for one that's not good enough for me! And two, so she has to waste away for a couple years before it shows up and then we can worry about it!?! Fine, she's probably not wasting away, but I don't think they get it when I say the girl doesn't eat!
Today Rayne wore underwear all day. She peed twice, neither time in the potty or toilet, and pretty early in the day. Then she didn't go ALL DAY! We kept trying to get her to try, we were nice, we were more forceful... the harder we tried, the more she insisted on not going. All the books say don't make a big deal out of it, she'll just resist further, but really??? I'm supposed to just stay calm and not worry and make her clean up her own accidents? Like that is working either! Anyway, I put her in the bath this afternoon and then put her pajamas on and decided to just let her wear a diaper and we'd try again tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was less than an hour and she was quite soggy. Had she just been holding it in all day waiting for a diaper!?
She doesn't want to do it!!!! I know I'm the mom and I'm supposed to make her but I can't force her to pee!!!! I even told her today I was starting to worry so we were going to work on it this week but if it doesn't work we might need to go to the doctor to make sure everything's okay. She's usually scared to death of the doctor and I didn't want to scare her but I thought it might click with her but all she did was tell me how brave she was when we went for her ear the last time. I thought when we ran out of pull ups and she had to go back to diapers, again I didn't want to embarrass her, but I thought it might motivate her, but she just doesn't care!!! I'm not really worried, but almost, that there's any kind of physical problem because she does go stand in the corner or away from us to pee. That's almost all the more frustrating! She knows how! She just won't.
It's really hard not to feel like a bad mom. Good moms get their kids potty trained at two years old, and for sure by three. They make them eat their vegetables. They take them to primary and pre-school and dance class and leave them and they have fun. Good moms do their hair and wear real clothes and do crafts and have hobbies and put the kids down for a nap in the afternoon. They certainly don't go crazy every afternoon and start yelling because no one is listening and they are so tired and frustrated and no one is listening anyway.
Going to therapy has established that there are some other issues here. That perhaps I'm not a bad mom and I may even be doing some things right. But in a way, it's just frustrated me. I'm not supposed to feel guilty that okay, maybe I didn't cause her to feel this way but I can't figure out how to fix it for her or help her feel any better? And it's extremely frustrating because no one is talking to me or giving me any skills or help in how to deal with these things. Sometimes I try to stop and think that it's just normal kid stuff, which by the way makes me feel worse that I can't get it right, but any "friends" I do have that give me advice or books I read make it seem like if I just did it right it would all work out. I don't know who to talk to.
I'm writing this thinking I won't post it, I just need to talk to myself. But if I don't post it, it will just get lost in my head and I need it out there where I can look at it and think about it. Someone said you can do a private blog? Maybe I should set one up. I suppose I don't expect many if any people read this so it doesn't matter if I publish it. Then I do and feel embarrassed for throwing so much personal stuff out there. Hmm... Mom? Melanie? If you happen to read this do you have any advice? Perhaps someone can just tell me, in a convincing way (boy I ask a lot!) that I'm not a complete failure in this!!!?
Oh and we put up our Christmas tree today and have had a lot of fun. So sorry to post this one instead... it's just that by bedtime I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I shall go drink hot chocolate and look at the tree and pray and think and BREATHE!
She is getting extremely picky though. I had decided to incorporate more of what she likes into our meals so that I know she will eat something. It seems like this has just made her more picky. An example, she loves canned peaches but this summer she wouldn't eat fresh ones even when I sliced them because of the red bit on the side that touched the pit. Even if I was meticulous about cutting it off, she wouldn't go for it. Okay then, canned it is, it's better than none right? But now she picks out so many "gross" pieces even out of the canned ones that it's beginning to not be worth giving them to her. Kraft dinner, an old stand by that at least I knew she was eating something and I'd sometimes sneak some baby food squash into it to make it a bit healthier, the last few times we've had it, she's too busy or it's too hot or by the time she gets to it, even though I try to make her come sooner, it's too cold and sticky.
I am seriously starting to worry! The doctor says she's okay because her weight is okay, she's getting enough calories even if her nutrition might be lacking. Well, for one that's not good enough for me! And two, so she has to waste away for a couple years before it shows up and then we can worry about it!?! Fine, she's probably not wasting away, but I don't think they get it when I say the girl doesn't eat!
Today Rayne wore underwear all day. She peed twice, neither time in the potty or toilet, and pretty early in the day. Then she didn't go ALL DAY! We kept trying to get her to try, we were nice, we were more forceful... the harder we tried, the more she insisted on not going. All the books say don't make a big deal out of it, she'll just resist further, but really??? I'm supposed to just stay calm and not worry and make her clean up her own accidents? Like that is working either! Anyway, I put her in the bath this afternoon and then put her pajamas on and decided to just let her wear a diaper and we'd try again tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was less than an hour and she was quite soggy. Had she just been holding it in all day waiting for a diaper!?
She doesn't want to do it!!!! I know I'm the mom and I'm supposed to make her but I can't force her to pee!!!! I even told her today I was starting to worry so we were going to work on it this week but if it doesn't work we might need to go to the doctor to make sure everything's okay. She's usually scared to death of the doctor and I didn't want to scare her but I thought it might click with her but all she did was tell me how brave she was when we went for her ear the last time. I thought when we ran out of pull ups and she had to go back to diapers, again I didn't want to embarrass her, but I thought it might motivate her, but she just doesn't care!!! I'm not really worried, but almost, that there's any kind of physical problem because she does go stand in the corner or away from us to pee. That's almost all the more frustrating! She knows how! She just won't.
It's really hard not to feel like a bad mom. Good moms get their kids potty trained at two years old, and for sure by three. They make them eat their vegetables. They take them to primary and pre-school and dance class and leave them and they have fun. Good moms do their hair and wear real clothes and do crafts and have hobbies and put the kids down for a nap in the afternoon. They certainly don't go crazy every afternoon and start yelling because no one is listening and they are so tired and frustrated and no one is listening anyway.
Going to therapy has established that there are some other issues here. That perhaps I'm not a bad mom and I may even be doing some things right. But in a way, it's just frustrated me. I'm not supposed to feel guilty that okay, maybe I didn't cause her to feel this way but I can't figure out how to fix it for her or help her feel any better? And it's extremely frustrating because no one is talking to me or giving me any skills or help in how to deal with these things. Sometimes I try to stop and think that it's just normal kid stuff, which by the way makes me feel worse that I can't get it right, but any "friends" I do have that give me advice or books I read make it seem like if I just did it right it would all work out. I don't know who to talk to.
I'm writing this thinking I won't post it, I just need to talk to myself. But if I don't post it, it will just get lost in my head and I need it out there where I can look at it and think about it. Someone said you can do a private blog? Maybe I should set one up. I suppose I don't expect many if any people read this so it doesn't matter if I publish it. Then I do and feel embarrassed for throwing so much personal stuff out there. Hmm... Mom? Melanie? If you happen to read this do you have any advice? Perhaps someone can just tell me, in a convincing way (boy I ask a lot!) that I'm not a complete failure in this!!!?
Oh and we put up our Christmas tree today and have had a lot of fun. So sorry to post this one instead... it's just that by bedtime I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I shall go drink hot chocolate and look at the tree and pray and think and BREATHE!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
This week's check-up: Anger and Perfection
Yesterday I took Rayne to the doctor for an ear infection. I was glad Jeff went with us and on the way home I commented that I always want to talk to my mom after these things. I am so glad to have her support and that she cares. But I also admitted and/or realized that I often feel an obligation to talk to both our moms when I've done something like take the kids to the doctor because I feel I'm supposed to report to them. It's okay, they are both very loving and glad to be involved. It's just that I don't think I give myself credit as the authority or that I see myself as really being the mom. I have to report to someone else as if they are the boss or the one really in charge and this tells me that I am not. I need to step up and realize that I am the mom, I am the authority, this is my world. And that's okay too.
I have been extremely ornery and frustrated for quite a while now. I honestly hate myself sometimes for the way I behave. One thing I've acknowledged this week is that it's okay to feel what I feel, even if I don't like how I express it or the behavior that comes from me. This is important for me to realize. As the mother I need to know that it's okay to say no or to correct them and it's also okay if I feel frustrated or upset or hurt physically or emotionally. Somehow knowing this helps so that I don't have to "freak out."
The other thing I've realized is that I get angry because I think it's the only way anyone listens to me. I'm talking about other people, other grown ups in my life, not the kids, but, sadly, they are the ones to most often receive my anger. If I get really angry, I have the nerve to say what I need or to talk back to mean people. Therefore, in order for my defiant child, or even when she's sweet but in her own world, as the little one almost always is, and just not listening kids to hear what I'm telling them, I have to be angry and frustrated. Or perhaps I feel like no one else listens so why should they and THAT is the frustration that comes out. Whatever it is, I know that being angry doesn't help the situation. I can be sweetsy to them or I can yell and scream and the result is not different, there's just a lot of hurt feelings that go with it.
I also get angry because I'm trying to prove to people I feel judge me that I can be in charge and make my kids behave and I am a good mom. This bugs me. This week I'm trying to let go of this. It's not how I believe in taking care of my kids.
Rayne got her own shoes on to go to the doctor yesterday. She wore one black, sparkly church shoe and one bright pink, Croc style shoe. I tried to get her to at least change one so they matched, even though I would have preferred her to wear socks and sneakers to stay warm and better match the style of her clothes and the weather outside. When she insisted she wanted to wear those two shoes, I let her. I let her because I was angry at a world that forces us to look right. That I know there are people who will judge me for letting her go that way and because her hair, while I did pull it up in a pony tail, was messy and uncombed because she felt crappy and I didn't feel like bugging her anymore than I had to. I honestly felt torn. Is it "right" to make her wear matching shoes so that she doesn't get made fun of and we look appropriate? Like someday she'll wonder why her mom never made her do things she "should" do. Or is it right to let her have her self expression and somehow show her how to stick up for what she thinks, feels, wants, believes even if other people do make fun? I decided on the second one and it felt like a big step for me. A defining moment in my way of thinking.
I want to be brave enough to stop looking at what everyone else thinks. That's what all these things are about.
I've realized this week that perhaps I am as soft (ie. not strong), unconfrontational, quiet, reserved, too nice as people have always said and I maybe have been fighting to say I'm not for most my life. Talk louder they say. Stick up for yourself. Be in charge. Be strong. Etc etc. This week I have given up on that. Or at least I'm trying. I speak quietly; it doesn't sound quiet to me and if you want to hear what I say, perhaps you need to listen better. I am not bossy or in charge, even of my own children; I suppose we will have to figure something else out. But you know what? They both behave better and Rayne is much more calm, when I quit trying to boss and I think we will go much farther if I embrace my too nice, push over self than if I am always trying to fight it. I will always avoid confrontation.
This week I give up trying to be strong. I give up anger. I give up trying to impress people and be perfect- at least what I think they see as perfect. I embrace being perfectly me!
I have been extremely ornery and frustrated for quite a while now. I honestly hate myself sometimes for the way I behave. One thing I've acknowledged this week is that it's okay to feel what I feel, even if I don't like how I express it or the behavior that comes from me. This is important for me to realize. As the mother I need to know that it's okay to say no or to correct them and it's also okay if I feel frustrated or upset or hurt physically or emotionally. Somehow knowing this helps so that I don't have to "freak out."
The other thing I've realized is that I get angry because I think it's the only way anyone listens to me. I'm talking about other people, other grown ups in my life, not the kids, but, sadly, they are the ones to most often receive my anger. If I get really angry, I have the nerve to say what I need or to talk back to mean people. Therefore, in order for my defiant child, or even when she's sweet but in her own world, as the little one almost always is, and just not listening kids to hear what I'm telling them, I have to be angry and frustrated. Or perhaps I feel like no one else listens so why should they and THAT is the frustration that comes out. Whatever it is, I know that being angry doesn't help the situation. I can be sweetsy to them or I can yell and scream and the result is not different, there's just a lot of hurt feelings that go with it.
I also get angry because I'm trying to prove to people I feel judge me that I can be in charge and make my kids behave and I am a good mom. This bugs me. This week I'm trying to let go of this. It's not how I believe in taking care of my kids.
Rayne got her own shoes on to go to the doctor yesterday. She wore one black, sparkly church shoe and one bright pink, Croc style shoe. I tried to get her to at least change one so they matched, even though I would have preferred her to wear socks and sneakers to stay warm and better match the style of her clothes and the weather outside. When she insisted she wanted to wear those two shoes, I let her. I let her because I was angry at a world that forces us to look right. That I know there are people who will judge me for letting her go that way and because her hair, while I did pull it up in a pony tail, was messy and uncombed because she felt crappy and I didn't feel like bugging her anymore than I had to. I honestly felt torn. Is it "right" to make her wear matching shoes so that she doesn't get made fun of and we look appropriate? Like someday she'll wonder why her mom never made her do things she "should" do. Or is it right to let her have her self expression and somehow show her how to stick up for what she thinks, feels, wants, believes even if other people do make fun? I decided on the second one and it felt like a big step for me. A defining moment in my way of thinking.
I want to be brave enough to stop looking at what everyone else thinks. That's what all these things are about.
I've realized this week that perhaps I am as soft (ie. not strong), unconfrontational, quiet, reserved, too nice as people have always said and I maybe have been fighting to say I'm not for most my life. Talk louder they say. Stick up for yourself. Be in charge. Be strong. Etc etc. This week I have given up on that. Or at least I'm trying. I speak quietly; it doesn't sound quiet to me and if you want to hear what I say, perhaps you need to listen better. I am not bossy or in charge, even of my own children; I suppose we will have to figure something else out. But you know what? They both behave better and Rayne is much more calm, when I quit trying to boss and I think we will go much farther if I embrace my too nice, push over self than if I am always trying to fight it. I will always avoid confrontation.
This week I give up trying to be strong. I give up anger. I give up trying to impress people and be perfect- at least what I think they see as perfect. I embrace being perfectly me!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Doing math in my sailboat
Sometimes when doing a complicated math problem, and I mean the page long kind, I'd get to the end only to find I hadn't reached the intended or expected result. I could read through my work, scrutinizing each step, and still not be able to find my mistake. Many times, the best next thing to do would be to walk away, think about something else, often discarding the whole page in the trash trusting that the correct thinking would still be there when I revisited the problem later. In other words, sometimes the best approach was to start completely over.
Sometimes I feel like doing that as a parent. I don't mean discard my children (haha that's a joke), I mean discard all my thinking, all my analyzing and critiquing and scrutinizing, catch my breath and come back trusting that the right principles will still be found when I look at it all again.
I often feel like such a patsy (that's a funny expression. I'm using it correctly right? I just think it's a fitting word here) as a mother. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I don't take charge, why I'm not more structured and disciplined with my children. Other times I feel like I do nothing but harp on them all day and that I am too mean and ornery. I often simply don't know what I'm doing and feel completely lost. But I think that if I could just step away for a minute, I might have some ideas of what I think is right. Every long once in a while I find myself responding back to my self criticism with what I really think.
What I'd like to throw away as I realize I'm not reaching the intended results:
*Caring what anyone else thinks. I know this should be an easy one, at least according to some people. But I think I worry so much what everyone thinks and I project so much into their responses or reactions etc. I want to get that out of my working solution.
*Things from the past? Can I say that? Like I want to make them not exist. Obviously I can't do that but maybe somehow I could throw them away so they don't have an effect on my thinking and acting? Like living with other people and feeling, both times, like I didn't really have a home to bring my baby to. Being scared and feeling like a child, and I'll point out a child like I never was in my own home growing up- disrespected, ill-considered- when I was supposed to be becoming a mother. Losing faith in my significant other, perhaps being disillusioned. Somehow giving up my choices, my right to exist and have say in my own life because of a lack of money.
*Trying to be perfect. This is such a hard one for me. It's like I'm afraid of letting go of this drive. I don't know what I'm afraid of and I suppose it doesn't matter. But I just am constantly looking at myself and what I'm doing and if it's right and how it could be better and what's wrong and could use improvement. Being afraid of making choices because I might get them wrong. Looking for answers, asking everyone I think might have some insight what they think. Not trusting myself because I'm not an authority on the subject only to find out I know as much or more as the "experts" which, by the way is unsettling. Reaching for some picture I don't know if it's really even formed in my head of what it's all supposed to look like. Thinking I can fix it all. Thinking if I was just doing it right, it would all flow nicely and no one would ever be sad or upset or argue and they would just do what they were supposed to do and we'd all just be perfect. Like that's really what I want for my children?
I had the thought the other day that I need to take charge of this ship- not sure why I said it that way- but I got a picture in my head of a racing boat, motorized, sleek, going fast toward a passage through something in the water and I thought "but I don't want to drive that boat. We are sitting over here in our sail boat, laughing and enjoying the scenery." THAT, perhaps, is what I need to identify. My little sail boat on the water of life.
Sometimes I feel like doing that as a parent. I don't mean discard my children (haha that's a joke), I mean discard all my thinking, all my analyzing and critiquing and scrutinizing, catch my breath and come back trusting that the right principles will still be found when I look at it all again.
I often feel like such a patsy (that's a funny expression. I'm using it correctly right? I just think it's a fitting word here) as a mother. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I don't take charge, why I'm not more structured and disciplined with my children. Other times I feel like I do nothing but harp on them all day and that I am too mean and ornery. I often simply don't know what I'm doing and feel completely lost. But I think that if I could just step away for a minute, I might have some ideas of what I think is right. Every long once in a while I find myself responding back to my self criticism with what I really think.
What I'd like to throw away as I realize I'm not reaching the intended results:
*Caring what anyone else thinks. I know this should be an easy one, at least according to some people. But I think I worry so much what everyone thinks and I project so much into their responses or reactions etc. I want to get that out of my working solution.
*Things from the past? Can I say that? Like I want to make them not exist. Obviously I can't do that but maybe somehow I could throw them away so they don't have an effect on my thinking and acting? Like living with other people and feeling, both times, like I didn't really have a home to bring my baby to. Being scared and feeling like a child, and I'll point out a child like I never was in my own home growing up- disrespected, ill-considered- when I was supposed to be becoming a mother. Losing faith in my significant other, perhaps being disillusioned. Somehow giving up my choices, my right to exist and have say in my own life because of a lack of money.
*Trying to be perfect. This is such a hard one for me. It's like I'm afraid of letting go of this drive. I don't know what I'm afraid of and I suppose it doesn't matter. But I just am constantly looking at myself and what I'm doing and if it's right and how it could be better and what's wrong and could use improvement. Being afraid of making choices because I might get them wrong. Looking for answers, asking everyone I think might have some insight what they think. Not trusting myself because I'm not an authority on the subject only to find out I know as much or more as the "experts" which, by the way is unsettling. Reaching for some picture I don't know if it's really even formed in my head of what it's all supposed to look like. Thinking I can fix it all. Thinking if I was just doing it right, it would all flow nicely and no one would ever be sad or upset or argue and they would just do what they were supposed to do and we'd all just be perfect. Like that's really what I want for my children?
I had the thought the other day that I need to take charge of this ship- not sure why I said it that way- but I got a picture in my head of a racing boat, motorized, sleek, going fast toward a passage through something in the water and I thought "but I don't want to drive that boat. We are sitting over here in our sail boat, laughing and enjoying the scenery." THAT, perhaps, is what I need to identify. My little sail boat on the water of life.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Therapy this week
I left therapy today feeling quite discouraged. The thought that kept going through my mind was "It's the mom's fault. It's always the mom's fault. And I'm really on my own."
I don't know why I felt like this but I did.
I don't think we are really clicking with the therapist. Being me, I feel bad saying that and like it's just an excuse or something. I've kind of felt like that from the start. She was/is much different than I imagined and I feel like there's just a certain... disconnect?
Today we tried to play with puppets to act out what Rayne would feel if she has to stay alone without Mommy. She was able to pick out a puppet to be her and one to be me. As we started talking/playing and the Mommy puppet said she had to go and leave Rayne home, I watched the real Rayne tense up a lot. I watched her struggle to explain that it wasn't a good idea and she doesn't like to be without Mommy. It was hard to get Rayne to really get into it, she was more interested in picking out the puppets, and I almost felt like Kate (the therapist) seemed put off by that when I felt like she should know how to pull Rayne back in or something. Rayne the puppet did say it was okay if she stayed with Grandma or Daddy but she first said that she didn't want Mommy and Daddy to leave.
Kate asked if we are involved in a church which is something I felt we'd talked about significantly before, our experience at church, so it kind of felt discouraging that she didn't even remember. I mean I know it's a long time between our visits and I'm sure she sees lots of people but... isn't that we are there for? She suggested a few things for helping Rayne stay in her class without me but I feel like, while they were good ideas, they rather simplified how it would go over. Like just hand her a scarf that smells like you that she can hang onto and everything will be fine. I'm pretty sure that's not what was meant but it kinda felt that way.
We talked a bit about me and asking for help and getting Daddy involved more. I admitted to not knowing how to ask for help or be assertive but didn't get much feedback on that either. Perhaps that's why I left so discouraged and feeling alone. Perhaps I felt like admitting to these things makes it obvious that it really is the Mama not fixing things here.
I'll think on things some more and perhaps have a better resolve tomorrow. Oh, I was going to say that between today and the last time we visited with Kate, we saw the psychiatrist. She seemed to immediately pull Rayne in to some sort of safety net. She still challenged her but Rayne seemed to warm up a lot faster to her. And she talked to me. I realize their roles are different and the purpose of the visits are different but this is kind of what got me thinking that perhaps it's just a personality thing not clicking with Kate. I don't doubt she knows what she is doing, I just wondered in comparison, if we might click with someone else better.
I don't know why I felt like this but I did.
I don't think we are really clicking with the therapist. Being me, I feel bad saying that and like it's just an excuse or something. I've kind of felt like that from the start. She was/is much different than I imagined and I feel like there's just a certain... disconnect?
Today we tried to play with puppets to act out what Rayne would feel if she has to stay alone without Mommy. She was able to pick out a puppet to be her and one to be me. As we started talking/playing and the Mommy puppet said she had to go and leave Rayne home, I watched the real Rayne tense up a lot. I watched her struggle to explain that it wasn't a good idea and she doesn't like to be without Mommy. It was hard to get Rayne to really get into it, she was more interested in picking out the puppets, and I almost felt like Kate (the therapist) seemed put off by that when I felt like she should know how to pull Rayne back in or something. Rayne the puppet did say it was okay if she stayed with Grandma or Daddy but she first said that she didn't want Mommy and Daddy to leave.
Kate asked if we are involved in a church which is something I felt we'd talked about significantly before, our experience at church, so it kind of felt discouraging that she didn't even remember. I mean I know it's a long time between our visits and I'm sure she sees lots of people but... isn't that we are there for? She suggested a few things for helping Rayne stay in her class without me but I feel like, while they were good ideas, they rather simplified how it would go over. Like just hand her a scarf that smells like you that she can hang onto and everything will be fine. I'm pretty sure that's not what was meant but it kinda felt that way.
We talked a bit about me and asking for help and getting Daddy involved more. I admitted to not knowing how to ask for help or be assertive but didn't get much feedback on that either. Perhaps that's why I left so discouraged and feeling alone. Perhaps I felt like admitting to these things makes it obvious that it really is the Mama not fixing things here.
I'll think on things some more and perhaps have a better resolve tomorrow. Oh, I was going to say that between today and the last time we visited with Kate, we saw the psychiatrist. She seemed to immediately pull Rayne in to some sort of safety net. She still challenged her but Rayne seemed to warm up a lot faster to her. And she talked to me. I realize their roles are different and the purpose of the visits are different but this is kind of what got me thinking that perhaps it's just a personality thing not clicking with Kate. I don't doubt she knows what she is doing, I just wondered in comparison, if we might click with someone else better.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Riddle Me This
Lately Rayne responds to just about everything with "I have an idea. Okay. What if we..." Generally she just switches the order of the few things I have just said we are going to do. She wants to have a snack before we put on pajamas when I've said it the other way. That's okay, she's just trying to have a choice in it. Other times it's a bit more complicated. Times when I have to insist we do things my way, she often, thank goodness!, will say "I said let's do my idea TOMORROW." Again, she's trying to be in control and save face. It's kind of cute. If she's in a bad mood, her response right from the start is more like "You're not listening to my idea!!!!!" or "You're messing up my idea!!!!!" before she's even told me an idea.
However it goes, by the end of the day I'm often exhausted and even her charming "I have an idea" can be overwhelming to me. I'd just like..........
....... to get some
thing done with.............
.................... out
a stum --
-----bling
........ block
!
Since I got pregnant with Rayne, it has been important to me to sing to my babies. It's not that I have a great voice. I just think it's comforting for a baby, especially a newborn, to hear it's mother's voice. I usually sing primary songs and I've wanted my children to know the tunes. I find they set the mood, especially at bed time. And mostly, it's my small way of sharing what I believe with them everyday.
Before Caius was born, so Rayne was less than two years old, she started getting mad at me when I would sing at night. My all time favorite song is Away in a Manger and she would say "no Jesus song!" Again, cute and funny but a slight bit frustrating. More recently she very firmly tells me "NO singing!" when I start to sing at bed time. Not all the time but sometimes. She doesn't even have to be in a bad mood to say it.
Generally I try to put the kids to bed separately, but given that I'm usually on my own, we often end up all in the same room together. So Caius has picked up on the no singing thing. My sweet angel boy recently told me "mm-mmm sing!" (how do you spell uh-uh with mm?) It was quite sad. I didn't think I sound that bad! Well, true to her nature, after hearing me tell this to Daddy or Grandma, the next time Rayne was in the room with Caius at bedtime and he said "mm-mmm sing!" she piped in with "I love to hear you sing. Sing out loud. Sing the words! (instead of hum)."
What a little stinker! I'm just sure it's only because he is saying no that she is saying yes. What do I do with this kid!?
I'm sure within these stories, and others I could tell, these are just the best and most recent, are the mysteries that are Rayne. I feel a need to take notes and remember all this. Someday... well, why someday, perhaps today!... if I could figure this out, I could find the secret to getting Rayne to do what she's supposed to. Ah yes! There were days not long ago that it was a game to her to make me tell her not to eat her dinner so that she would/could. Daddy didn't think it was a good game and I had my doubts, but it was working. I just think that in real practice, it has to be more subtle reverse psychology.
However it goes, by the end of the day I'm often exhausted and even her charming "I have an idea" can be overwhelming to me. I'd just like..........
....... to get some
thing done with.............
.................... out
a stum --
-----bling
........ block
!
Since I got pregnant with Rayne, it has been important to me to sing to my babies. It's not that I have a great voice. I just think it's comforting for a baby, especially a newborn, to hear it's mother's voice. I usually sing primary songs and I've wanted my children to know the tunes. I find they set the mood, especially at bed time. And mostly, it's my small way of sharing what I believe with them everyday.
Before Caius was born, so Rayne was less than two years old, she started getting mad at me when I would sing at night. My all time favorite song is Away in a Manger and she would say "no Jesus song!" Again, cute and funny but a slight bit frustrating. More recently she very firmly tells me "NO singing!" when I start to sing at bed time. Not all the time but sometimes. She doesn't even have to be in a bad mood to say it.
Generally I try to put the kids to bed separately, but given that I'm usually on my own, we often end up all in the same room together. So Caius has picked up on the no singing thing. My sweet angel boy recently told me "mm-mmm sing!" (how do you spell uh-uh with mm?) It was quite sad. I didn't think I sound that bad! Well, true to her nature, after hearing me tell this to Daddy or Grandma, the next time Rayne was in the room with Caius at bedtime and he said "mm-mmm sing!" she piped in with "I love to hear you sing. Sing out loud. Sing the words! (instead of hum)."
What a little stinker! I'm just sure it's only because he is saying no that she is saying yes. What do I do with this kid!?
I'm sure within these stories, and others I could tell, these are just the best and most recent, are the mysteries that are Rayne. I feel a need to take notes and remember all this. Someday... well, why someday, perhaps today!... if I could figure this out, I could find the secret to getting Rayne to do what she's supposed to. Ah yes! There were days not long ago that it was a game to her to make me tell her not to eat her dinner so that she would/could. Daddy didn't think it was a good game and I had my doubts, but it was working. I just think that in real practice, it has to be more subtle reverse psychology.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Another visit with Sunday
My kids made it almost all the way through sacrament meeting IN the meeting. I'm not really sure how it happened. I tried to plan snacks and quiet toys but it's not like I haven't tried that before. It was the primary program today so I talked that up and wanted Rayne to see the kids but she didn't seem much interested once it started so I don't know that that made any difference. Whatever it was, yea! Perhaps we've made some progress or maybe it was just a random week.
Nursery went well too. I had planned and even talked to Rayne about going to Mommy's class. Even once we got there, she said she wanted to go to my class. But no one was there to leave Caius with (I'm still having a hard time with that idea anyway) until right when meetings start. Because I'm often there helping, people kind of looked at me like they expected me to be there and by then Rayne was playing and didn't want to leave. I told her we could if she wanted to. At one point when she seemed to be getting flustered, I asked if we needed to take a walk so she could catch her breath but she didn't want to leave her toys and that seemed to calm her down.
The day at home was nice too. It doesn't seem very Sunday like but I did spend the morning cleaning up which I actually think helped my mood. Not just the clean house but doing something productive. Also, as bad as this sounds, working helps me have my thoughts rather than just focusing on what the kids are doing/wanting/saying. It took me several attempts and somehow finally agreeing with Rayne that we could just stay home all day before I could get in the shower. By the time I came out, I asked if she had changed her mind and wanted to go to church and she said yes. She wore a new dress and felt like a princess. Caius looked adorable in his preppy striped shirt and corduroy pants.
We all came home hungry and got a bit fussy and the dinner took too long to cook and I was the only one that wanted to eat it and it wasn't a perfect day, but still, I feel like Sundays are getting back to what they should be. Or maybe I'm figuring out what they should be. Let's hope so anyway.
Things I may have learned:
Don't try to MAKE the day, ENJOY the day.
Food is a big part of the day. Snacks at church and maybe with late meetings even a throw it in the oven dinner takes too long after church. Have a big meal, perhaps brunch?, before church and come home to sandwiches and snacky type food. Of course once I figure this one out, we'll be back at 9 a.m. meetings!
I would like to make it a bit more reverent somehow. I've decided the kids are just a bit little for this, but there must be things I can do... music, books, different shows to watch than what they watch everyday?
Nursery went well too. I had planned and even talked to Rayne about going to Mommy's class. Even once we got there, she said she wanted to go to my class. But no one was there to leave Caius with (I'm still having a hard time with that idea anyway) until right when meetings start. Because I'm often there helping, people kind of looked at me like they expected me to be there and by then Rayne was playing and didn't want to leave. I told her we could if she wanted to. At one point when she seemed to be getting flustered, I asked if we needed to take a walk so she could catch her breath but she didn't want to leave her toys and that seemed to calm her down.
The day at home was nice too. It doesn't seem very Sunday like but I did spend the morning cleaning up which I actually think helped my mood. Not just the clean house but doing something productive. Also, as bad as this sounds, working helps me have my thoughts rather than just focusing on what the kids are doing/wanting/saying. It took me several attempts and somehow finally agreeing with Rayne that we could just stay home all day before I could get in the shower. By the time I came out, I asked if she had changed her mind and wanted to go to church and she said yes. She wore a new dress and felt like a princess. Caius looked adorable in his preppy striped shirt and corduroy pants.
We all came home hungry and got a bit fussy and the dinner took too long to cook and I was the only one that wanted to eat it and it wasn't a perfect day, but still, I feel like Sundays are getting back to what they should be. Or maybe I'm figuring out what they should be. Let's hope so anyway.
Things I may have learned:
Don't try to MAKE the day, ENJOY the day.
Food is a big part of the day. Snacks at church and maybe with late meetings even a throw it in the oven dinner takes too long after church. Have a big meal, perhaps brunch?, before church and come home to sandwiches and snacky type food. Of course once I figure this one out, we'll be back at 9 a.m. meetings!
I would like to make it a bit more reverent somehow. I've decided the kids are just a bit little for this, but there must be things I can do... music, books, different shows to watch than what they watch everyday?
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Checking in on Me
I've decided to try to blog once a week to check in on myself and where I'm at. My last post was a lot more negative than I had intended (thanks for your comments btw Mom!) and I just want to start setting some goals and getting in touch with myself. I think my mom's comment is correct... you have children and it changes your life. You are NOT the same person and now is just my time to start redefining or restructuring or something.
I guess this is kind of personal for a blog, given that blogs are public... but I suppose they are only as public as they are interesting and I like this format for some of my journaling. It's usually about the only journal writing I do. So anyway, this week...
We have made great strides to eat more fruits and vegetables this week. I thought I didn't do too badly with this but making a conscious effort has made a big difference. I have also cut back on sugar and caffeine which seems to have helped enormously already. And probably the biggest thing I've done is I started doing a yoga video before I go to bed at night. I think it will change my life if I keep it up!
It's a short and relatively simple video but it feels really good! I'm stretching and flexing and connecting physically to my body. Mentally my mind just goes and I realize how little time I have during the day for my own thoughts. I try to just let them go. As the video suggests, let my mind become a casual observer... and it works! I've been sleeping better when I am asleep. I don't wake up with my back hurting, among other aches and pains that were making me feel old before my time. And my mood has been elevated immensely. It's very exciting!
I've worn make-up a bit more often this week but have also been feeling like it's not THAT important, which is a nice thing to remember. I want to wear it to feel better not so I don't feel ugly; it's a subtle difference but one I need to figure out.
Recently I subscribed to a couple magazines, Parents and Better Homes and Gardens (I feel like such a grown up). Having them sitting on the counter has given me some pretty pictures to look at and a few interesting articles to think about. At least it's a start.
This week my goals will be to continue. Thanksgiving is Thursday and I'm excited to have my family out to my house. I hope to think this week about some goals for myself for the coming weeks.
I guess this is kind of personal for a blog, given that blogs are public... but I suppose they are only as public as they are interesting and I like this format for some of my journaling. It's usually about the only journal writing I do. So anyway, this week...
We have made great strides to eat more fruits and vegetables this week. I thought I didn't do too badly with this but making a conscious effort has made a big difference. I have also cut back on sugar and caffeine which seems to have helped enormously already. And probably the biggest thing I've done is I started doing a yoga video before I go to bed at night. I think it will change my life if I keep it up!
It's a short and relatively simple video but it feels really good! I'm stretching and flexing and connecting physically to my body. Mentally my mind just goes and I realize how little time I have during the day for my own thoughts. I try to just let them go. As the video suggests, let my mind become a casual observer... and it works! I've been sleeping better when I am asleep. I don't wake up with my back hurting, among other aches and pains that were making me feel old before my time. And my mood has been elevated immensely. It's very exciting!
I've worn make-up a bit more often this week but have also been feeling like it's not THAT important, which is a nice thing to remember. I want to wear it to feel better not so I don't feel ugly; it's a subtle difference but one I need to figure out.
Recently I subscribed to a couple magazines, Parents and Better Homes and Gardens (I feel like such a grown up). Having them sitting on the counter has given me some pretty pictures to look at and a few interesting articles to think about. At least it's a start.
This week my goals will be to continue. Thanksgiving is Thursday and I'm excited to have my family out to my house. I hope to think this week about some goals for myself for the coming weeks.
Monday, November 12, 2012
No more I don't care
I have to find the strength to care...
about me.
I am really out of shape and gaining weight. I feel pretty crappy most the time. I think about exercising and I try to feed us healthy because I want to do that for the kids. But honestly, I think about exercising and easily dismiss it because I can't handle one more task on my to do list. I've always loved to exercise. I love to connect with my body and have that mental escape of just being in my own space and moment. But now? I know they say you have to make time, but I honestly cannot imagine it at all.
And the eating thing? I seriously think I have a problem. I don't say that to emphasize how bad it is. I mean I really sometimes worry. I used to have some self control and a sense of eating healthy because it feels good and stopping with the junk food because it feels bad. Now, I seriously fantasize about what I'm going to eat when I get the kids to bed and Jeff goes to work. I've found myself at times eating the last cookies not because I want them or I get pleasure from them but because I'm obsessed... I don't even know with what. With having one thing in the day that is mine? That the kids can't poke their fingers in or Jeff can't have an opinion about or something.
This week I'm trying to curb the caffeine a bit. I'm a bit concerned that it, or the sugar in the drinks that give me the caffeine, is making me a bit crazy. But for a long time now I've been drinking, not a lot, but everyday.
I get dressed in the morning (truth is I often don't do that if I'm staying in all day) and I don't like what I wear. I've posted a time or two about what to wear as a stay at home mom so that I'm comfortable but still look pulled together but really lately I have no sense of style. And I mean more than just trying to look cute or something. I mean I am totally out of touch with what I even like or what my outward appearance expresses. I don't have a hair style. I comb it and do my best to get it out of my way. And I rarely wear make-up and this is wearing it more than I have for a while.
I try to read books or do crafty things to make me feel happy or to have my own thoughts and expression. But even going to the library is difficult with the kids so it's not like I have a lot to read. And I never dare spend money so what crafts am I even talking about?
Boy this post is taking a real negative turn. I'm simply trying to be real about where I'm at and what's bothering me... or what doesn't bother me but it's at least starting to bother me that it doesn't bother me more.
I have to start caring.
About me.
How I feel physically, mentally and emotionally.
Goals for this week:
No junk food at the grocery store
Eat more fruits and veggies- plan menus around them
Do yoga or at least a bit of stretching before bed
One last thought. As I talked to Rayne yesterday I remembered how much she's always liked to run (she's only three, but still). I have fond memories of a few times watching her run just for the pleasure of it. I decided that I need to make running my goal so that I can give that to her and do that with her. We need to run out her anxieties and let her have that time of freedom. It was very motivating.
about me.
I am really out of shape and gaining weight. I feel pretty crappy most the time. I think about exercising and I try to feed us healthy because I want to do that for the kids. But honestly, I think about exercising and easily dismiss it because I can't handle one more task on my to do list. I've always loved to exercise. I love to connect with my body and have that mental escape of just being in my own space and moment. But now? I know they say you have to make time, but I honestly cannot imagine it at all.
And the eating thing? I seriously think I have a problem. I don't say that to emphasize how bad it is. I mean I really sometimes worry. I used to have some self control and a sense of eating healthy because it feels good and stopping with the junk food because it feels bad. Now, I seriously fantasize about what I'm going to eat when I get the kids to bed and Jeff goes to work. I've found myself at times eating the last cookies not because I want them or I get pleasure from them but because I'm obsessed... I don't even know with what. With having one thing in the day that is mine? That the kids can't poke their fingers in or Jeff can't have an opinion about or something.
This week I'm trying to curb the caffeine a bit. I'm a bit concerned that it, or the sugar in the drinks that give me the caffeine, is making me a bit crazy. But for a long time now I've been drinking, not a lot, but everyday.
I get dressed in the morning (truth is I often don't do that if I'm staying in all day) and I don't like what I wear. I've posted a time or two about what to wear as a stay at home mom so that I'm comfortable but still look pulled together but really lately I have no sense of style. And I mean more than just trying to look cute or something. I mean I am totally out of touch with what I even like or what my outward appearance expresses. I don't have a hair style. I comb it and do my best to get it out of my way. And I rarely wear make-up and this is wearing it more than I have for a while.
I try to read books or do crafty things to make me feel happy or to have my own thoughts and expression. But even going to the library is difficult with the kids so it's not like I have a lot to read. And I never dare spend money so what crafts am I even talking about?
Boy this post is taking a real negative turn. I'm simply trying to be real about where I'm at and what's bothering me... or what doesn't bother me but it's at least starting to bother me that it doesn't bother me more.
I have to start caring.
About me.
How I feel physically, mentally and emotionally.
Goals for this week:
No junk food at the grocery store
Eat more fruits and veggies- plan menus around them
Do yoga or at least a bit of stretching before bed
One last thought. As I talked to Rayne yesterday I remembered how much she's always liked to run (she's only three, but still). I have fond memories of a few times watching her run just for the pleasure of it. I decided that I need to make running my goal so that I can give that to her and do that with her. We need to run out her anxieties and let her have that time of freedom. It was very motivating.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
More Sunday Considerations
Today I made a decision.
I am no longer taking Rayne to nursery.
Yes, she does get something out of it but, it's just too hard on her. And what she gets from it doesn't outweigh the toll it takes on her.
We didn't have any huge episodes today but more than a few times another kid would come to see what we were playing or try to join in and she would very loudly and bossily say things like "go away!", " that's such a stupid kid we need to put him someplace else!", and she would push, try to kick, etc. She was mean and yet I know that in her mind, they were the ones attacking her, invading her space and that she was just defending herself.
Rayne was a total wreck by about 6:00 tonight. She was crying over the smallest thing. Yes Rayne typically does react this way a lot of the time. But this was a lot and more even for her. Usually she likes to watch Dragon Tales while I put Caius to bed and then I have to go through about fifty thousand extra steps to what is supposed to be our bedtime routine before she will settle in for sleeping. Tonight when I went to take Caius to bed, she burst into tears and didn't want to be left. Thankfully, Caius settled in and went to sleep quickly and I was able to hold Rayne and rock her in the chair. We talked a lot. She would start talking about something happy and then burst into tears worrying about Caius taking away the toy or having a bad dream or any number of things that could go wrong with whatever happy thought we were trying to go with. Thankfully I stayed calm and just wanted to hold her and help her. I tried to let her know I understood her fears and concerns and I tried to talk about what they were and how they felt and I tried to let her know I would take care of her. Eventually we moved into her bed and she still just snuggled close to me and we kept talking. She even had me make up a story and song about being rock star princesses. Finally she fell asleep and I just held her and rubbed her ear and hair. I just wanted her to feel safe and protected.
The thing is, she is often a wreck Sunday afternoon/nights. Nursery is crowded with kids and toys and noise. There is so much there, but nothing that is really hers. There are toys she loves, but she can't take care of them or take ownership of them. She shares her mom when we are there. She even has to let people into her space, her breathing room, and she's supposed to be nice about it. It really is hard on the poor girl. So today I decided we are done.
Rayne will start going to primary in January. While I think this will be more awkward for me to accompany her, I'm hoping the structure of it will be better for her. I'm hoping to work with her on going on her own, but I fully expect to be there every week. I entertain thoughts of perhaps taking turns, one week my class, the next week hers. We will see on that one. I'm thinking of talking to the primary presidency, I know a couple of them, just so they know what is up with Rayne. So that I feel like maybe someone understands what I'm doing. (Do I sound just melo-dramatic about this? I mean, it's not like there's something THAT wrong with her!...). I'm thinking maybe we could start going to at least sharing time, singing time, etc now just so she can see it before she gets there. I know they start taking the kids from nursery for a few weeks in December for this reason, but maybe we could start sooner.
Anyway, I felt sure of myself in deciding this today. Even writing a blog that I don't think anyone reads I feel hesitant. Why? I don't know. I guess because I always question myself and feel like I have to ask permission. But today I felt sure, as her mother, that this is right. No more nursery for her. I guess it is one of those things where I feel like you're supposed to just follow the rules and if it doesn't work it's because there is something wrong with you and you better just try harder to do the right thing. But I'm breaking away from that lately. I really do feel myself getting a bit stronger and more sure of myself, especially as the mother. Oh, and maybe I should mention that one of the things Rayne cried about tonight was that she never wants to go to church again. I want to make it a good, safe experience for her. THAT is what the right thing is.
I am no longer taking Rayne to nursery.
Yes, she does get something out of it but, it's just too hard on her. And what she gets from it doesn't outweigh the toll it takes on her.
We didn't have any huge episodes today but more than a few times another kid would come to see what we were playing or try to join in and she would very loudly and bossily say things like "go away!", " that's such a stupid kid we need to put him someplace else!", and she would push, try to kick, etc. She was mean and yet I know that in her mind, they were the ones attacking her, invading her space and that she was just defending herself.
Rayne was a total wreck by about 6:00 tonight. She was crying over the smallest thing. Yes Rayne typically does react this way a lot of the time. But this was a lot and more even for her. Usually she likes to watch Dragon Tales while I put Caius to bed and then I have to go through about fifty thousand extra steps to what is supposed to be our bedtime routine before she will settle in for sleeping. Tonight when I went to take Caius to bed, she burst into tears and didn't want to be left. Thankfully, Caius settled in and went to sleep quickly and I was able to hold Rayne and rock her in the chair. We talked a lot. She would start talking about something happy and then burst into tears worrying about Caius taking away the toy or having a bad dream or any number of things that could go wrong with whatever happy thought we were trying to go with. Thankfully I stayed calm and just wanted to hold her and help her. I tried to let her know I understood her fears and concerns and I tried to talk about what they were and how they felt and I tried to let her know I would take care of her. Eventually we moved into her bed and she still just snuggled close to me and we kept talking. She even had me make up a story and song about being rock star princesses. Finally she fell asleep and I just held her and rubbed her ear and hair. I just wanted her to feel safe and protected.
The thing is, she is often a wreck Sunday afternoon/nights. Nursery is crowded with kids and toys and noise. There is so much there, but nothing that is really hers. There are toys she loves, but she can't take care of them or take ownership of them. She shares her mom when we are there. She even has to let people into her space, her breathing room, and she's supposed to be nice about it. It really is hard on the poor girl. So today I decided we are done.
Rayne will start going to primary in January. While I think this will be more awkward for me to accompany her, I'm hoping the structure of it will be better for her. I'm hoping to work with her on going on her own, but I fully expect to be there every week. I entertain thoughts of perhaps taking turns, one week my class, the next week hers. We will see on that one. I'm thinking of talking to the primary presidency, I know a couple of them, just so they know what is up with Rayne. So that I feel like maybe someone understands what I'm doing. (Do I sound just melo-dramatic about this? I mean, it's not like there's something THAT wrong with her!...). I'm thinking maybe we could start going to at least sharing time, singing time, etc now just so she can see it before she gets there. I know they start taking the kids from nursery for a few weeks in December for this reason, but maybe we could start sooner.
Anyway, I felt sure of myself in deciding this today. Even writing a blog that I don't think anyone reads I feel hesitant. Why? I don't know. I guess because I always question myself and feel like I have to ask permission. But today I felt sure, as her mother, that this is right. No more nursery for her. I guess it is one of those things where I feel like you're supposed to just follow the rules and if it doesn't work it's because there is something wrong with you and you better just try harder to do the right thing. But I'm breaking away from that lately. I really do feel myself getting a bit stronger and more sure of myself, especially as the mother. Oh, and maybe I should mention that one of the things Rayne cried about tonight was that she never wants to go to church again. I want to make it a good, safe experience for her. THAT is what the right thing is.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Our Meeting with the Psychiatrist (...or... I know people have bigger problems, but here are mine)
As we sat in the office talking to the doctor/psychiatrist, Rayne had a hard time playing by herself. This is very typical of Rayne, even at home. When I tried to get her to let me continue talking, she sat on my lap, she pulled on my face, she didn't quite yell at me, or maybe she did, she covered my mouth. She was very demanding and insistent. I thought this was typical child behavior but I was told that most kids will, at least eventually, give in and find something to do on their own.
I was flattered that the doctor actually commended me for how I handled it. I encouraged Rayne and helped her find something to play with but I set limits and continued talking. Me? Set limits? I honestly think that everyone thinks I'm weak and dumb and ought to just smack the poor girl once in a while.
It was after this appointment in particular though that Rayne quit letting anyone but Mommy and Daddy hold her. The grandparents we were living with and she was somewhat comfortable with. My parents that we saw all the time. One grandparent insisted that we push her past it, but I, and thankfully Jeff, refused. I felt like I should take care of her fear, not make her face it. I assumed that it was the doctor appointment that scared her and that she would get over it, but she never did.
In light of all this, perhaps I should have done more to help her get past this but I never felt, and still don't, that I did the wrong thing by holding her and not making her go to people when she was afraid.
The psychiatrist said that it was probably a panic attack, even at that young age. Panic attacks are severely scary. People who have them will do anything not to have them. The fear of the attack can be scarier than having one. The psychiatrist yesterday said that she probably sees me as being her only life raft. Not that there's anything I can really do to stop her from feeling it, but I'm the only thing she can cling to. I believe that if a person is drowning and they have a chance to grasp a life raft, you should give it to them, not throw them a dingy and try to convince them in that moment that it will save them.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Reclaiming Sunday Attempt #1
Today went so well.
They again asked if I could help in nursery but someone else was in charge of the lesson which made a surprisingly big difference. All I had to do was get us there. So, we got up today and the house wasn't as clean as I'd like it but I just decided not to worry about it. Jeff played with the kids while I took a shower and we just slowly got ready for church. We watched Dora and Dragon Tales and had breakfast and lunch. I guess in some way I gave up on trying to make it a special day and decided to just try to enjoy the day.
So we went to church and I played in nursery. Somehow things just seemed to go very smoothly there today. Not much, if any, crying by my kids or the others. And the other lady helping was wonderful. I think she was a bit more structured and that made quite a difference.
Rayne did excellently. They played some games and she got so into it and excited. One game, they took one kid into the hall (of course one kid always ended up being several) and another one got to hide a little paper pumpkin. Then the kids came in and had to find it. Of course after the first time, they all hid it in the same spot but the kids still had to look a bit and they would ALL get so excited and cheer when it was found. Rayne laughed and clapped and it was so cute. Then she even wanted a turn to go out in the hall and went without me. I was SO proud of her.
I had seriously considered going to the mother's room for the duration of sacrament meeting. I thought maybe I could rock Caius to sleep and let Rayne play and eat fruit snacks. But today I decided we'd just try starting out in the foyer since that's where we end up anyway. Just as we got there, the last seat was taken so I sat on the floor, in the corner, against a wall and fed my kids fruit snacks. I worried it would be distracting for other people, like we were sitting there having a picnic. But we were out of the way and they close the doors once the meeting starts anyway. So we sat there and we were quiet and good through the prayer and the start of the meeting. They even brought the sacrament out and I was able to take it. Yes, the kids did end up going up and down the hall, but it wasn't like they were trying to escape. They came back! I felt so much better not trying to balance the diaper bag and two kids on three or less chairs that Caius falls through and pokes the people in front of us.
After the sacrament, people left and we were able to sit on the couches and the kids went back and forth and played cars (yes! my kids shared their cars!) with another little boy from nursery. I was able to listen to one talk given by a lady that was my visiting teacher before they changed the wards around. It was a very good talk and something I needed to think about. We did leave before the meeting was over but not because the kids were freaking out. They were starting to get a bit fussy but it was more a preemptive move on my part. Rayne ran all the way home and Caius was happy in his stroller.
For dinner I bought a pre-made Stouffer's pasta dinner to go in the oven. While I think Stouffer's is a good brand, it's a bit expensive and I feel like a bad mom making pre-made food. We do it frequently- Hamburger Helper and such- but I've been trying to get away from that and I've been trying to make Sunday a bit special. But, getting home at 4 with everyone hungry and tired and the dishes not completely cleaned up from last night's dinner, I think it's probably a good idea. I came home, put in the oven and went to the bathroom. So simple! And that's probably in keeping with the Sunday spirit right?
So, I feel like I learned something today. It's been good.
They again asked if I could help in nursery but someone else was in charge of the lesson which made a surprisingly big difference. All I had to do was get us there. So, we got up today and the house wasn't as clean as I'd like it but I just decided not to worry about it. Jeff played with the kids while I took a shower and we just slowly got ready for church. We watched Dora and Dragon Tales and had breakfast and lunch. I guess in some way I gave up on trying to make it a special day and decided to just try to enjoy the day.
So we went to church and I played in nursery. Somehow things just seemed to go very smoothly there today. Not much, if any, crying by my kids or the others. And the other lady helping was wonderful. I think she was a bit more structured and that made quite a difference.
Rayne did excellently. They played some games and she got so into it and excited. One game, they took one kid into the hall (of course one kid always ended up being several) and another one got to hide a little paper pumpkin. Then the kids came in and had to find it. Of course after the first time, they all hid it in the same spot but the kids still had to look a bit and they would ALL get so excited and cheer when it was found. Rayne laughed and clapped and it was so cute. Then she even wanted a turn to go out in the hall and went without me. I was SO proud of her.
I had seriously considered going to the mother's room for the duration of sacrament meeting. I thought maybe I could rock Caius to sleep and let Rayne play and eat fruit snacks. But today I decided we'd just try starting out in the foyer since that's where we end up anyway. Just as we got there, the last seat was taken so I sat on the floor, in the corner, against a wall and fed my kids fruit snacks. I worried it would be distracting for other people, like we were sitting there having a picnic. But we were out of the way and they close the doors once the meeting starts anyway. So we sat there and we were quiet and good through the prayer and the start of the meeting. They even brought the sacrament out and I was able to take it. Yes, the kids did end up going up and down the hall, but it wasn't like they were trying to escape. They came back! I felt so much better not trying to balance the diaper bag and two kids on three or less chairs that Caius falls through and pokes the people in front of us.
After the sacrament, people left and we were able to sit on the couches and the kids went back and forth and played cars (yes! my kids shared their cars!) with another little boy from nursery. I was able to listen to one talk given by a lady that was my visiting teacher before they changed the wards around. It was a very good talk and something I needed to think about. We did leave before the meeting was over but not because the kids were freaking out. They were starting to get a bit fussy but it was more a preemptive move on my part. Rayne ran all the way home and Caius was happy in his stroller.
For dinner I bought a pre-made Stouffer's pasta dinner to go in the oven. While I think Stouffer's is a good brand, it's a bit expensive and I feel like a bad mom making pre-made food. We do it frequently- Hamburger Helper and such- but I've been trying to get away from that and I've been trying to make Sunday a bit special. But, getting home at 4 with everyone hungry and tired and the dishes not completely cleaned up from last night's dinner, I think it's probably a good idea. I came home, put in the oven and went to the bathroom. So simple! And that's probably in keeping with the Sunday spirit right?
So, I feel like I learned something today. It's been good.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Happy
I know it sounds like stating the obvious, but as I watched Rayne laughing so hard as she blew a cotton ball across the table with a straw, it occurred to me that my job number one priority should be to help that girl be happy. She's not even three and a half and she has high anxiety for crying out loud! Discipline and behavior and blah blah blah are not our concerns here. She needs to be happy! She needs to laugh!
Now, I'm not talking about giving her everything she wants and feeding her cookies for breakfast. I'm talking about the things you do as a mother anyway but perhaps need to be upped to critical importance here. Like watching her sugar levels- not letting her have too much because she needs to stay balanced as well as making sure she eats enough nourishing stuff. And yes, I'm talking about having fun. Making sure she gets to go outside when her friends are out because she NEEDS it. Putting off housework and just playing, chasing her, goofing around. Making her feel relaxed and uplifted and like she doesn't have to worry. Perhaps all my stressing really does wear off on her.
Hmpf, I've said this all before but thinking about it in this new light was important to me.
And with all this talk, I want to remember Caius. My little angel Caius. I can't stand to admit it but sometimes I do feel resentment that he gets ignored because I'm so busy dealing with this other stuff. Sometimes I hate leaving him with Grandma and Krush because I don't want him to be left out because he's the "good" one and will put up with it (not that he's not happy there or that I'm not very happy that it's okay with him). I just want him to have all my attention too. When I say all this about Rayne, he too is definitely a part of it. He needs to be happy and peaceful too. I don't want him to ever feel forgotten.
Now, I'm not talking about giving her everything she wants and feeding her cookies for breakfast. I'm talking about the things you do as a mother anyway but perhaps need to be upped to critical importance here. Like watching her sugar levels- not letting her have too much because she needs to stay balanced as well as making sure she eats enough nourishing stuff. And yes, I'm talking about having fun. Making sure she gets to go outside when her friends are out because she NEEDS it. Putting off housework and just playing, chasing her, goofing around. Making her feel relaxed and uplifted and like she doesn't have to worry. Perhaps all my stressing really does wear off on her.
Hmpf, I've said this all before but thinking about it in this new light was important to me.
And with all this talk, I want to remember Caius. My little angel Caius. I can't stand to admit it but sometimes I do feel resentment that he gets ignored because I'm so busy dealing with this other stuff. Sometimes I hate leaving him with Grandma and Krush because I don't want him to be left out because he's the "good" one and will put up with it (not that he's not happy there or that I'm not very happy that it's okay with him). I just want him to have all my attention too. When I say all this about Rayne, he too is definitely a part of it. He needs to be happy and peaceful too. I don't want him to ever feel forgotten.
Friday, October 19, 2012
I am NOT a dumb mother... or if I am
A couple weeks ago, my mom took us to lunch at Denny's. While this was nice, I don't really think of Denny's as a fancy restaurant. It's a family restaurant and kid friendly. Not really a place I worry about taking noisy or wiggly kids. It was very crowded when we got there and the kids were already tired and hungry. I thought we did well sitting at the table, coloring and making Grandma fetch things off the floor (Caius' favorite mealtime activity). It seemed to take a long time to get our meals and eventually the crowd died down a bit. When I was close to finished, I let Rayne get out to walk around. She's very good at staying near the table... until Caius, who thinks he can run all over the restaurant gets out and she thinks she can follow him. But, oh well. I let them loose as I somewhat finished eating and kept having to get up to pull Caius back closer. Eventually, he went down to another table and before I could get him, he'd climbed on the table and was dumping salt or pepper. I ran to grab him.
As I did so, I passed a table of two little old grandma looking ladies. As I walked by, I heard one of them say "she's encouraging them." I knew she was criticizing me but tried not to feel defensive- I didn't really know... until, as I walked by, she actually turned her head toward me and said "DUMB MOTHER."
I freaked out. I have never wanted to actually punch someone so bad in my life. I grabbed my kids, went back for the diaper bag and left. I stood outside crying and shaking, letting the kids play in the rocks around the bushes. It really hurt. I guess I worry that's what people think. I guess I worry I should be keeping my kids more under control, which frankly feels impossible at times. And honestly? I just didn't think they were being that bad.
On the way home, to make myself feel better, I made a list of people I hate in my head. Types of people I hate. Things I hate about people. Hate is a strong word, but I really was feeling it. I was going to blog my list because by saying it, I felt better. But also, by allowing myself to feel it, perhaps even own that feeling, I learned a lot about myself and what I think and it was quite freeing.
I've also thought since, "fine, if I'm a dumb mother anyway..." and I've relaxed and let myself do or think about things in my way. So, I thought that's the list I would start here. If I'm a dumb mother anyway...
I'm going to base meals around food Rayne likes and will eat. I know, I know. A good mother starves her children until they are so hungry they will eat whatever she's made for dinner without complaining. This way, they will learn to like things like lima beans and beef stew. But, I try to incorporate the healthy stuff Rayne likes so that she can at least eat something. I think I will start trying to make it a bigger part of our meals more often.
I will let Rayne talk me into one more book at bedtime, a few more minutes on the play ground, etc. A good mother says this is the limit and holds her ground. I like to give her that one more thing letting her know it's the last thing so that she feels like what she wants is considered and is prepared for it to be the last thing.
After a certain amount of time, I'm going to let Caius out of the crib if he's not going to sleep. If he's tired, he actually does a good job of settling in for sleeping. If he's not, he let's me know. A good mother would leave him crying for the duration of nap time so that he learns to sleep and that this is what mom said to do. I just don't have it in me. I'm too weak I guess.
I feed my kids lollipops when we go to the store. If we are on a big Walmart trip, I even open a package of cookies and feed them as we go around. A good mother would never bribe her children like this and let them think they deserve something special for good behavior. I just think they need something for being such good sports.
I feel like I had some better ones but I'm going blank. But, you get the idea. It actually helps a lot for me to think this way. Sarcastically. It's like I'm making fun of the old lady and she doesn't even get the joke.
Bwa-haha!!
As I did so, I passed a table of two little old grandma looking ladies. As I walked by, I heard one of them say "she's encouraging them." I knew she was criticizing me but tried not to feel defensive- I didn't really know... until, as I walked by, she actually turned her head toward me and said "DUMB MOTHER."
I freaked out. I have never wanted to actually punch someone so bad in my life. I grabbed my kids, went back for the diaper bag and left. I stood outside crying and shaking, letting the kids play in the rocks around the bushes. It really hurt. I guess I worry that's what people think. I guess I worry I should be keeping my kids more under control, which frankly feels impossible at times. And honestly? I just didn't think they were being that bad.
On the way home, to make myself feel better, I made a list of people I hate in my head. Types of people I hate. Things I hate about people. Hate is a strong word, but I really was feeling it. I was going to blog my list because by saying it, I felt better. But also, by allowing myself to feel it, perhaps even own that feeling, I learned a lot about myself and what I think and it was quite freeing.
I've also thought since, "fine, if I'm a dumb mother anyway..." and I've relaxed and let myself do or think about things in my way. So, I thought that's the list I would start here. If I'm a dumb mother anyway...
I'm going to base meals around food Rayne likes and will eat. I know, I know. A good mother starves her children until they are so hungry they will eat whatever she's made for dinner without complaining. This way, they will learn to like things like lima beans and beef stew. But, I try to incorporate the healthy stuff Rayne likes so that she can at least eat something. I think I will start trying to make it a bigger part of our meals more often.
I will let Rayne talk me into one more book at bedtime, a few more minutes on the play ground, etc. A good mother says this is the limit and holds her ground. I like to give her that one more thing letting her know it's the last thing so that she feels like what she wants is considered and is prepared for it to be the last thing.
After a certain amount of time, I'm going to let Caius out of the crib if he's not going to sleep. If he's tired, he actually does a good job of settling in for sleeping. If he's not, he let's me know. A good mother would leave him crying for the duration of nap time so that he learns to sleep and that this is what mom said to do. I just don't have it in me. I'm too weak I guess.
I feed my kids lollipops when we go to the store. If we are on a big Walmart trip, I even open a package of cookies and feed them as we go around. A good mother would never bribe her children like this and let them think they deserve something special for good behavior. I just think they need something for being such good sports.
I feel like I had some better ones but I'm going blank. But, you get the idea. It actually helps a lot for me to think this way. Sarcastically. It's like I'm making fun of the old lady and she doesn't even get the joke.
Bwa-haha!!
Therapy #2
Rayne warmed up a lot yesterday in our second therapy session. We started with blowing bubbles. Kate would blow them and Rayne would pop them- something she LOVES to do. Kate would try to get her to pop them with a certain finger or in a certain way but mostly Rayne just did her own thing. Kate pointed out that she made a different choice and sometimes that's okay. Kate then balanced bean bags on her head and tipped them into a "basket"- the basket was just a loop I made with my arms when Rayne wouldn't make one. But eventually Rayne did do it and caught the bean bags and Kate and I were both impressed that she would do it.
Then we sat at the table and blew a cotton ball to each other using straws. Rayne laughed and laughed! It was great to see her having so much fun, especially in this setting with someone still kind of a stranger. Then Rayne decided we were done and went and picked up other toys and made up her own games for us to try, each one lasting only a few seconds. Kate's office is lined with shelves and drawers and baskets of toys. She had tried to tell Rayne in our first meeting that it was okay to explore and find things but this is the first time Rayne really let go and did that. She kind of took over what we were doing and Kate let her, explaining later that she likes to go with the kid's flow.
Eventually Rayne decided to play in the big beautiful wooden dollhouse she's looked at before but I guess never dared get into. She made Kate play as the dad and when the princess kept insisting the dad come upstairs but the dad didn't want to because he was busy, I thought she would lose it. If I tried to play that way, it would have ended up in a big lecture and/or screaming fit. I could tell Kate was trying to push her a little. But, surprisingly, Rayne finally just said okay. Then she was allowed to keep playing while Kate and I talked.
Mostly our talk was me answering questions. I still felt a bit like "what did we learn today?" Like I want to ask that question but Kate did comment on the small improvements she saw and I too felt like we'd made giant strides. I'm just not sure what that does once we leave or the next time we're in church etc.
But, as for my own "what did we learn today?" I loved watching Rayne laugh as we blew a cotton ball around the table. She was having so much fun and it dawned on me, she's not often like that. I thought that I need to find fun little activities like that for us to do at home. Even we can afford some straws and cotton balls :) And it would be fun to get Daddy and Caius playing too. I left thinking that we need to play more.
Play more. This is kind of a funny thought because I'm pretty sure that's about all Daddy does with the kids ;) and I thought that I play a lot. I play with toys, I take them outside, I even wrestle and tickle and chase sometimes. But really? Being honest? How many times do I just say "be careful" or "five more minutes until we have to go in"? How little do I actually get down on the floor and let go of my own hang ups, anxieties, list of things to do and just laugh with them??? We need this more.
Then we sat at the table and blew a cotton ball to each other using straws. Rayne laughed and laughed! It was great to see her having so much fun, especially in this setting with someone still kind of a stranger. Then Rayne decided we were done and went and picked up other toys and made up her own games for us to try, each one lasting only a few seconds. Kate's office is lined with shelves and drawers and baskets of toys. She had tried to tell Rayne in our first meeting that it was okay to explore and find things but this is the first time Rayne really let go and did that. She kind of took over what we were doing and Kate let her, explaining later that she likes to go with the kid's flow.
Eventually Rayne decided to play in the big beautiful wooden dollhouse she's looked at before but I guess never dared get into. She made Kate play as the dad and when the princess kept insisting the dad come upstairs but the dad didn't want to because he was busy, I thought she would lose it. If I tried to play that way, it would have ended up in a big lecture and/or screaming fit. I could tell Kate was trying to push her a little. But, surprisingly, Rayne finally just said okay. Then she was allowed to keep playing while Kate and I talked.
Mostly our talk was me answering questions. I still felt a bit like "what did we learn today?" Like I want to ask that question but Kate did comment on the small improvements she saw and I too felt like we'd made giant strides. I'm just not sure what that does once we leave or the next time we're in church etc.
But, as for my own "what did we learn today?" I loved watching Rayne laugh as we blew a cotton ball around the table. She was having so much fun and it dawned on me, she's not often like that. I thought that I need to find fun little activities like that for us to do at home. Even we can afford some straws and cotton balls :) And it would be fun to get Daddy and Caius playing too. I left thinking that we need to play more.
Play more. This is kind of a funny thought because I'm pretty sure that's about all Daddy does with the kids ;) and I thought that I play a lot. I play with toys, I take them outside, I even wrestle and tickle and chase sometimes. But really? Being honest? How many times do I just say "be careful" or "five more minutes until we have to go in"? How little do I actually get down on the floor and let go of my own hang ups, anxieties, list of things to do and just laugh with them??? We need this more.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The Her That Is Me
Ever since I was 10 or 12 years old, I've felt like there was a secret me inside, the real me waiting to get out. I thought I would grow up and somehow bloom into her. I suppose I came close in my early/mid twenties as I graduated from college but there was still so much holding back-
This person I guess I've always been afraid of showing to the world. She might be wrong...
No, not wrong. Just... there's shame or guilt or fear in there somehow. But of what? And why?
She's not bad.
She's too visible.
And with visibility comes confrontation. Disagreement. It's somehow been easier to just try to be what I'm expected to be and not cause any waves. To be invisible.
The sadly ironic thing is that as a mother I NEED to be her. I NEED to know her. My children need her.
I'm still trying to form this picture in my head of what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to look like as a mother. Jeff's right. I read too many books and get caught up in what it's supposed to be instead of going with our flow. Looking at us. Not even what we need to be but being what we are.
I need to look at her.
This person I guess I've always been afraid of showing to the world. She might be wrong...
No, not wrong. Just... there's shame or guilt or fear in there somehow. But of what? And why?
She's not bad.
She's too visible.
And with visibility comes confrontation. Disagreement. It's somehow been easier to just try to be what I'm expected to be and not cause any waves. To be invisible.
The sadly ironic thing is that as a mother I NEED to be her. I NEED to know her. My children need her.
I'm still trying to form this picture in my head of what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to look like as a mother. Jeff's right. I read too many books and get caught up in what it's supposed to be instead of going with our flow. Looking at us. Not even what we need to be but being what we are.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Clown Suits
Once upon a time, my mom had a new baby and my niece and nephew, that she took care of a lot, soon followed. I was around junior high age, give or take a year and my younger brother was not far behind. Then of course my older brother and sister were not as grown up as I remember and my mother also spent a lot of time taking care of her parents. For some reason, I remember my mom talking about dressing for her job. It didn't make sense for her to dress up or, as an example, like a business woman. My mom made herself some outfits. I will call them jump suits but I don't know if that's accurate. Kind of like overalls that tied at the shoulder, she made them in bright colors and prints with a solid t-shirt underneath. She said she wanted to dress to be home with the kids. She called them "clown suits."
I don't know why she called them this. Did she feel clownish in them? Perhaps self conscious around those business women etc that she didn't want or need to dress like? I can't imagine that she didn't like the outfits. I remember picking out fabrics in flattering colors and prints that she liked. And even if they were "easy" to make, she still put the time and effort into making them.
I never really thought whether my mom was in style or not. It never really was a question. She was my mom. Not "just mom." My mom! She was everything to me and I suppose style wasn't a part of the beauty I saw in her. Whenever I was old enough I did look at her for those things, I saw the pretty things about her; I never judged if it was cool or in or whatever. Maybe some girls do look at their mothers that way but in some way I guess they learned it from their mothers (raging post about moms who send their 3 year olds to church nursery in a different prom dress every week forth coming). Maybe I remember this conversation because I was starting to be aware of my own style? I think about it a lot now because I'm doing the job she had then.
My mother in law and grandma in law gave me some money and a gift card for my birthday and while I tried to have fun with it, I also needed to be practical. I bought some much needed walking shoes and church shoes. I also bought two long sleeve t-shirts and two pairs of exercise pants. I needed clothes and I really needed something to be home and comfortable in when I'm cleaning, being sneezed and spilled on, going out to the playground or even running over to the store. I thought maybe this would look a bit sporty and playful and still be super comfortable.
I know, I know, the make over shows all say you can be comfortable in heels, jeans, and a nice blouse. And frankly, yes I do feel a bit clownish in these clothes sometimes. But sometimes I feel very dressed for my job and frankly how I look is not as important as how I feel.
For some reason as I dressed to go to Walmart this morning, I felt like things became clear- just for a moment, nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnB zz bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (hahaha I think I'll leave that. I had to run to the potty with Rayne and when I came back, Caius had typed that. It seems to fit :)
I saw me as I am or want to be. For this time in my life. For this job.
I was wearing overalls and a striped t-shirt (no farmer Jo jokes please Benjamin). My hair, I don't want it any longer than it is now but I can't afford regular trips to the salon or the time it takes to "do" a short hair style everyday. So, I will keep my bangs and have a "long" hair look. I always want it up in a ponytail anyway and I guess I don't really care how that looks. It can be cute. I also bought some new eyeshadow with my birthday money. I looked and looked and wanted (or thought I wanted) pretty colors and smoky eyes and to do more. Finally I allowed myself to realize that what I really wanted is just a duo in the same pretty brown tones I've always worn. And some new mascara. I just want to look more awake with a bit of color for a day to day look.
And that is me. Something happened recently (perhaps another scathing post about the rudeness of strangers also forthcoming) to make me harden up a bit to what other people think. This could be a good thing for me. It also softened me to myself, my children, and my world. I am me. And that's darn good enough.
To quote Billy Joel "what's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing/Can't you see that your tie's too wide." So it is. And that's the way I like it.
I don't know why she called them this. Did she feel clownish in them? Perhaps self conscious around those business women etc that she didn't want or need to dress like? I can't imagine that she didn't like the outfits. I remember picking out fabrics in flattering colors and prints that she liked. And even if they were "easy" to make, she still put the time and effort into making them.
I never really thought whether my mom was in style or not. It never really was a question. She was my mom. Not "just mom." My mom! She was everything to me and I suppose style wasn't a part of the beauty I saw in her. Whenever I was old enough I did look at her for those things, I saw the pretty things about her; I never judged if it was cool or in or whatever. Maybe some girls do look at their mothers that way but in some way I guess they learned it from their mothers (raging post about moms who send their 3 year olds to church nursery in a different prom dress every week forth coming). Maybe I remember this conversation because I was starting to be aware of my own style? I think about it a lot now because I'm doing the job she had then.
My mother in law and grandma in law gave me some money and a gift card for my birthday and while I tried to have fun with it, I also needed to be practical. I bought some much needed walking shoes and church shoes. I also bought two long sleeve t-shirts and two pairs of exercise pants. I needed clothes and I really needed something to be home and comfortable in when I'm cleaning, being sneezed and spilled on, going out to the playground or even running over to the store. I thought maybe this would look a bit sporty and playful and still be super comfortable.
I know, I know, the make over shows all say you can be comfortable in heels, jeans, and a nice blouse. And frankly, yes I do feel a bit clownish in these clothes sometimes. But sometimes I feel very dressed for my job and frankly how I look is not as important as how I feel.
For some reason as I dressed to go to Walmart this morning, I felt like things became clear- just for a moment, nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnB zz bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (hahaha I think I'll leave that. I had to run to the potty with Rayne and when I came back, Caius had typed that. It seems to fit :)
I saw me as I am or want to be. For this time in my life. For this job.
I was wearing overalls and a striped t-shirt (no farmer Jo jokes please Benjamin). My hair, I don't want it any longer than it is now but I can't afford regular trips to the salon or the time it takes to "do" a short hair style everyday. So, I will keep my bangs and have a "long" hair look. I always want it up in a ponytail anyway and I guess I don't really care how that looks. It can be cute. I also bought some new eyeshadow with my birthday money. I looked and looked and wanted (or thought I wanted) pretty colors and smoky eyes and to do more. Finally I allowed myself to realize that what I really wanted is just a duo in the same pretty brown tones I've always worn. And some new mascara. I just want to look more awake with a bit of color for a day to day look.
And that is me. Something happened recently (perhaps another scathing post about the rudeness of strangers also forthcoming) to make me harden up a bit to what other people think. This could be a good thing for me. It also softened me to myself, my children, and my world. I am me. And that's darn good enough.
To quote Billy Joel "what's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing/Can't you see that your tie's too wide." So it is. And that's the way I like it.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Giving up on Sunday
A few weeks ago I wanted to write a blog about Reclaiming Sunday. Sunday used to be such a spiritual, uplifting day. Now it's the hardest day of the week. Monday used to be hard because it was a let down after Sunday. Now Monday is hard because I'm exhausted and, quite frankly, really down about Sunday being so hard.
They rearranged our stake this last month. I think they created a new ward and re-did the ward boundaries. I was very sad because I really loved our bishop and Relief Society president. They made me feel safe and like I belonged and would be taken care of. And there were other people in the ward that really befriended us and made us feel welcome. I really needed these things. But, I finally pulled myself out of the disappointment and was determined to have a good attitude.
With the change, I was released from my calling in the nursery. But because of the change, they still asked me to fill in until everything gets established. I had been wondering if I should ask to be released feeling like I wasn't any good at this, we miss so much and I often spend all my time taking care of my kids and not feeling like I'm contributing. This isn't a good reason to be released so I kept trying to do better but I was also often feeling like I needed to be able to focus on my kids. Caius will be old enough to officially be in nursery this month and Rayne will be moving to primary in January. I've thought that I need to be able to start working with her on this change and maybe even leaving her without me so that she will be ready for primary. I think Caius will be fine.
The week they announced there would be a change, they had a stake meeting that night to announce the boundaries etc. The next week was stake/regional conference. The week after that, we went to church, now starting at 1 o'clock. The following week they were doing the Brigham City temple dedication and didn't have regular church meetings. And that brings us to yesterday.
Yesterday was awful. Sometime close to the beginning, Rayne had something happen, I'm pretty sure involving a toy and she got pretty upset. I took her into the hall so she could catch her breath. She then wanted to stay there so I stood in the doorway "helping" with the other kids and keeping an eye on her. Later, while I was giving the lesson she started kicking someone and when I tried to get her to stop, she started yelling all while I continued to try to give the lesson which is hard enough with three year olds and younger. At the end of class, she climbed on the table and the other teacher asked her very nicely not to and she got so upset she screamed at the teacher. The teacher of course was embarrassed and probably quite put off at this reaction. She was nice to me and asked me about some things and I felt bad and embarrassed and out of control and like a bad mom.
So then we went to sacrament meeting. By the way, Caius' new naptime which also changed just in the last month is 12:30, the same time we are about leaving for church. He did well but was completely tired by the end of nursery. We found seats and were doing pretty well until, in the middle of the sacrament song when we are supposed to be getting reverent, Caius did something to make Rayne scream at him so he screamed back and started to cry which made Rayne yell at him... I picked up Caius and the diaper bag and walked out, trying to get Rayne to go or follow, they were both crying and I was trying hard not to. We stayed in the foyer for a while, eating snacks and talking to our wonderful primary president who offered to help but you know how that would not work with Rayne and Caius was just too tired and we eventually left. We walked in the house with Caius crying, Rayne being very demanding and me on the verge of yelling and crying at everyone. Caius took a nap, sleeping until five, which made bedtime last night quite a challenge.
I say all this trying to think it through but also trying to paint a picture of what the day was like. Like I said, I had wanted to have a good attitude about the changes and to take Sunday back and make it a special day for my kids. I made a good effort to have a clean house and a simple but nice Sunday dinner ready to just pop in the oven when we got home (oh yah, Jeff ate at the computer, I stood at the counter, Rayne played and Caius slept- even dinner didn't happen right).
I feel very frustrated. I want Sunday to be nice. I want it to be special. I want to take care of my kids. I want to help Rayne. I'm simply overwhelmed and don't know what to do for her or how to approach things. I feel like she will NEVER be able to be on her own. So I just need to think of how I'm going to do this.
They rearranged our stake this last month. I think they created a new ward and re-did the ward boundaries. I was very sad because I really loved our bishop and Relief Society president. They made me feel safe and like I belonged and would be taken care of. And there were other people in the ward that really befriended us and made us feel welcome. I really needed these things. But, I finally pulled myself out of the disappointment and was determined to have a good attitude.
With the change, I was released from my calling in the nursery. But because of the change, they still asked me to fill in until everything gets established. I had been wondering if I should ask to be released feeling like I wasn't any good at this, we miss so much and I often spend all my time taking care of my kids and not feeling like I'm contributing. This isn't a good reason to be released so I kept trying to do better but I was also often feeling like I needed to be able to focus on my kids. Caius will be old enough to officially be in nursery this month and Rayne will be moving to primary in January. I've thought that I need to be able to start working with her on this change and maybe even leaving her without me so that she will be ready for primary. I think Caius will be fine.
The week they announced there would be a change, they had a stake meeting that night to announce the boundaries etc. The next week was stake/regional conference. The week after that, we went to church, now starting at 1 o'clock. The following week they were doing the Brigham City temple dedication and didn't have regular church meetings. And that brings us to yesterday.
Yesterday was awful. Sometime close to the beginning, Rayne had something happen, I'm pretty sure involving a toy and she got pretty upset. I took her into the hall so she could catch her breath. She then wanted to stay there so I stood in the doorway "helping" with the other kids and keeping an eye on her. Later, while I was giving the lesson she started kicking someone and when I tried to get her to stop, she started yelling all while I continued to try to give the lesson which is hard enough with three year olds and younger. At the end of class, she climbed on the table and the other teacher asked her very nicely not to and she got so upset she screamed at the teacher. The teacher of course was embarrassed and probably quite put off at this reaction. She was nice to me and asked me about some things and I felt bad and embarrassed and out of control and like a bad mom.
So then we went to sacrament meeting. By the way, Caius' new naptime which also changed just in the last month is 12:30, the same time we are about leaving for church. He did well but was completely tired by the end of nursery. We found seats and were doing pretty well until, in the middle of the sacrament song when we are supposed to be getting reverent, Caius did something to make Rayne scream at him so he screamed back and started to cry which made Rayne yell at him... I picked up Caius and the diaper bag and walked out, trying to get Rayne to go or follow, they were both crying and I was trying hard not to. We stayed in the foyer for a while, eating snacks and talking to our wonderful primary president who offered to help but you know how that would not work with Rayne and Caius was just too tired and we eventually left. We walked in the house with Caius crying, Rayne being very demanding and me on the verge of yelling and crying at everyone. Caius took a nap, sleeping until five, which made bedtime last night quite a challenge.
I say all this trying to think it through but also trying to paint a picture of what the day was like. Like I said, I had wanted to have a good attitude about the changes and to take Sunday back and make it a special day for my kids. I made a good effort to have a clean house and a simple but nice Sunday dinner ready to just pop in the oven when we got home (oh yah, Jeff ate at the computer, I stood at the counter, Rayne played and Caius slept- even dinner didn't happen right).
I feel very frustrated. I want Sunday to be nice. I want it to be special. I want to take care of my kids. I want to help Rayne. I'm simply overwhelmed and don't know what to do for her or how to approach things. I feel like she will NEVER be able to be on her own. So I just need to think of how I'm going to do this.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
BFFs
I have often and always said that my mom is one of my best friends. Even in junior high, where being cool is the big thing, she is the one I wanted to talk to about boys, friends, school stresses, all the big important things.
I've read and heard a lot about how the problem with kids nowadays is that parents are too worried about being cool and being friends with their kids. Kids need limits and to be told no and they need guidance and supervision etc. I've been convinced that kids really do need these boundaries. I feel like I've been trying really hard for at least the past year to get some control around here and be in charge. People, even people I really trust and love, have made comments that make me worry I'm too lax with my kids. I worry about what it will be like when the kids are 10, 13, 16, even 20. If I don't take charge now, they will be rebellious, horrible people doing things just because I told them not to and I don't know how to make them behave.
Last night I read a blog (It's a blog I found through a blog through a blog through a blog :) and the woman was writing about how much she needed her mom who had recently come to stay from out of town. This woman has four daughters and said she often wonders how they see her. She found three videos one of the daughters had made on her iPad that all started with the daughter saying "let me tell you about..." and then said the mom's first name. The first video cut out so the girl could take a shower, the second one so she could brush her teeth. The mom was really worried. If the daughter was using the mom's first name, it must be bad! She braced herself for the third video. The girl said, "let me tell you about... She's my best friend."
I know I'm sappy but it made me cry a bit. I cried because once upon a time, THAT was my mom philosophy. I wanted to be the kind of person my kids would come to when they needed help, love, support, someone to love them no matter what they were thinking or doing, when they don't fit in or are standing out. I want to be the kind of person that they would want my opinions and advice because they would know that I know something, that I believe in something, and most of all that I love them and want what's best for them, and even if they didn't agree or follow my advice, they'd at least have that teaching as an anchor from which to figure out what they do believe in.
As I lay in bed thinking about this last night, I realized that the advice not to worry so much about being the kids' friend is for a different kind of parent. It's to the parents who want to be cool so much they let them wear inappropriate clothes or give them their first beer or let them get away with things to the point it's like the parent is encouraging the rebellious behavior because they figure it's better to be a part of it than to have the kid be out on their own doing it anyway.
I think, I hope, I believe... that if I try to truly be-friend my children that they will grow up with a strong sense of themselves. That I can be the kind of friend that cheers them on and helps them be a better person. The true friend that accepts them for who they are. That speaks kindly but frankly. And if I can do that, I think my children will grow up to be smart, moral, responsible people. And that's all I really want for them.
I've read and heard a lot about how the problem with kids nowadays is that parents are too worried about being cool and being friends with their kids. Kids need limits and to be told no and they need guidance and supervision etc. I've been convinced that kids really do need these boundaries. I feel like I've been trying really hard for at least the past year to get some control around here and be in charge. People, even people I really trust and love, have made comments that make me worry I'm too lax with my kids. I worry about what it will be like when the kids are 10, 13, 16, even 20. If I don't take charge now, they will be rebellious, horrible people doing things just because I told them not to and I don't know how to make them behave.
Last night I read a blog (It's a blog I found through a blog through a blog through a blog :) and the woman was writing about how much she needed her mom who had recently come to stay from out of town. This woman has four daughters and said she often wonders how they see her. She found three videos one of the daughters had made on her iPad that all started with the daughter saying "let me tell you about..." and then said the mom's first name. The first video cut out so the girl could take a shower, the second one so she could brush her teeth. The mom was really worried. If the daughter was using the mom's first name, it must be bad! She braced herself for the third video. The girl said, "let me tell you about... She's my best friend."
I know I'm sappy but it made me cry a bit. I cried because once upon a time, THAT was my mom philosophy. I wanted to be the kind of person my kids would come to when they needed help, love, support, someone to love them no matter what they were thinking or doing, when they don't fit in or are standing out. I want to be the kind of person that they would want my opinions and advice because they would know that I know something, that I believe in something, and most of all that I love them and want what's best for them, and even if they didn't agree or follow my advice, they'd at least have that teaching as an anchor from which to figure out what they do believe in.
As I lay in bed thinking about this last night, I realized that the advice not to worry so much about being the kids' friend is for a different kind of parent. It's to the parents who want to be cool so much they let them wear inappropriate clothes or give them their first beer or let them get away with things to the point it's like the parent is encouraging the rebellious behavior because they figure it's better to be a part of it than to have the kid be out on their own doing it anyway.
I think, I hope, I believe... that if I try to truly be-friend my children that they will grow up with a strong sense of themselves. That I can be the kind of friend that cheers them on and helps them be a better person. The true friend that accepts them for who they are. That speaks kindly but frankly. And if I can do that, I think my children will grow up to be smart, moral, responsible people. And that's all I really want for them.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Reeling it in
If Rayne has a general feeling of anxiety in most situations, to the point that she has some real fears of being away from Mommy, why would the answer be to push her out on her own? I mean, I understand the thinking behind it and helping her learn to be okay on her own, but she's only three. She's already had things and people she was afraid of become not so scary and she's told me that now she grew up, she's not afraid anymore. I just feel that the answer is to bring her closer, not push her away.
If Jeff and I both have a hard time being around people and out doing things, being involved etc, why would I think my kids are going to be that different from us. Of course we are aware and don't want to give them our hang ups. We try to push ourselves a bit knowing the kids need it. I actually like being around people even though it's hard for me so I try to be confident and friendly and show Rayne how to be that way. Jeff doesn't like going out and doing things, but he'll do it because he wants to be with his kids and he knows these things are good for them.
That said, when I recognize in Rayne that she's overwhelmed, tired, stressed by certain situations, people, or just the amount of time we've spent being out, I think the right answer is to bring her home, give her some quiet time, time in her/our space. Caius, so far, does better. I need to be careful not to hold him back but even he is bothered by loud noises, needs his regular naps and to be fed quite on schedule. He has his own little sensitivities I want to take care of, not push him past them.
I always look at other people and all their activities and outgoing-ness and feel like I'm not measuring up. I've always felt like there was something wrong with me because I was shy and felt awkward, but the truth is, I never really wanted to be the center of attention and all that. And maybe there's just nothing wrong with that. And maybe it's okay not to think my kids need all that too. When I look at them, it doesn't seem, yet, to be part of their characters. We're all kind of shy and introverted... in a way. And maybe I just need to pull us in, not push us out.
If Jeff and I both have a hard time being around people and out doing things, being involved etc, why would I think my kids are going to be that different from us. Of course we are aware and don't want to give them our hang ups. We try to push ourselves a bit knowing the kids need it. I actually like being around people even though it's hard for me so I try to be confident and friendly and show Rayne how to be that way. Jeff doesn't like going out and doing things, but he'll do it because he wants to be with his kids and he knows these things are good for them.
That said, when I recognize in Rayne that she's overwhelmed, tired, stressed by certain situations, people, or just the amount of time we've spent being out, I think the right answer is to bring her home, give her some quiet time, time in her/our space. Caius, so far, does better. I need to be careful not to hold him back but even he is bothered by loud noises, needs his regular naps and to be fed quite on schedule. He has his own little sensitivities I want to take care of, not push him past them.
I always look at other people and all their activities and outgoing-ness and feel like I'm not measuring up. I've always felt like there was something wrong with me because I was shy and felt awkward, but the truth is, I never really wanted to be the center of attention and all that. And maybe there's just nothing wrong with that. And maybe it's okay not to think my kids need all that too. When I look at them, it doesn't seem, yet, to be part of their characters. We're all kind of shy and introverted... in a way. And maybe I just need to pull us in, not push us out.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Therapy
Rayne had her first official "therapy" session at The Children's Center on Thursday. While I've had many thoughts leading up to and since then that I've wanted to blog about, I'm going to start with this...
We went into the counselor's office where we'd been two times before for the evaluation. She talked to me for a minute and then tried to get Rayne to play some games and do some activities. Rayne responded to some, others she refused. And then it was over and she was getting her fruit snack and sticker to go home.
I felt a bit disappointed and wondered if it had been worth our time. Nothing was said to me about what we were going to do or what we did or what the point was or what was learned or what I should be working on at home or how to help us. But as I drove and as I've talked to Jeff and to myself since I figured I'm a smart person and I can still learn from it.
One activity we did was simply sitting at the table with markers and a blank sheet of paper to color. Rayne wouldn't sit in her own chair, but had to sit on my lap. At home, she has LOVED drawing on paper with markers. Our fridge is covered in her work. But it took some encouragement from Kate (the counselor) to get her going. At first Rayne told her she only knows how to draw circles. Kate said that was okay, we were just going to fill the page with squiggles. She then took a marker herself and even drew on the table to show Rayne it was okay. She asked Rayne to pick a marker for herself and for Mom. Usually very in charge and telling me what to do, Rayne hesitated and had me pick for both of us. Once she got going she seemed okay but when she drew on the table accidentally, she said oops and looked shy or nervous. It was only when Kate said "is that a big deal? NO! You probably can't do it at home, but it's okay here" that Rayne was able to relax and really enjoy it.
This combined with the way Rayne reacted and resisted other activities made me really see the fear in her. I mean, I've seen it before, that's why we're going to therapy, but it's usually with other people and a lot going on, not in her play. The diagnosis for Rayne is that she has generalized anxiety disorder. Kate says it's the worst she's seen because there isn't something specific she's afraid of that we can help her with (like bugs, the dark etc). When she said it, I thought she meant Rayne specifically is worse than she's seen but I've wondered since if she just meant that it's the worst type of anxiety because it's generalized.
Anyway, of course I feel a lot of guilt. I keep searching for what I've done, what I do or don't do that has made this happen to my little girl. I know, I know, I can't do that to myself blah blah blah. It's there and I feel it and it's part of what I have to work through.
The crayon thing made me wonder how much I intimidate her or if I'm more rigid than I realize. I mean I obviously know I'm hard on myself and am uptight, but I thought I was encouraging to my children. I put the couch cushions on the floor to jump on. I play in the play-dough with them. I scribble on the paper. But maybe I do worry about messes and go crazy when things are all scattered and unorganized. And, since this day and thinking about this, I realize how much I tell Rayne no and "aaah!" and "be careful" and "okay but don't make a mess" etc.
It made me think of a movie Jeff and I watched before we were married called "Yours, Mine, and Ours." It's about a mixed family and the dad is in the military and that's how he's been raising his kids- rules, schedules, rigidity. The mom is an artist and raises her kids with freedom and creativity and mess. Jeff and I talked about which parent we thought we'd be like and what we thought we should be like. It was funny to me because he was already the fun, relaxed one in the relationship and I, obviously, have always been about rules and lists and schedules etc. But he wanted to be the strict one and felt like kids need that and that he would have been better off in that kind of structured environment. I wanted to be like the mom. I believed that kids need freedom to express themselves and make messes and explore their world. I wondered the other night if I need to remember that. If I should be more like that. I've said before I want to be the "hippie" mom.
The next morning, when Rayne was having her third total and complete breakdown in two hours, I thought "BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO TAKE CHARGE AROUND HERE!!!" Perhaps it's our lack of structure making everything crazy. I'd just been reading how important it is for kids, especially anxious kids, to have structure and guidance so they feel safe and like someone is in control and able to take care of them. We need rules! Less t.v., less sugar, more vegetables, bedtimes...
Okay, so I think the "right" answer is some sort of perfect balance. Mealtimes, bedtimes, definite rules about some things. And I think this Mama needs to step up and really be more of a presence (not, I hope, that I'm a total doormat at the moment, but some days it does feel close!) But maybe this mama also needs to relax and not be so fussy and cautious and meddling.
???
Thoughts? How do you achieve this balance? Do you lean more toward one way of thinking/being than the other? What works at your house?
Or, looking back, what would have done differently?
We went into the counselor's office where we'd been two times before for the evaluation. She talked to me for a minute and then tried to get Rayne to play some games and do some activities. Rayne responded to some, others she refused. And then it was over and she was getting her fruit snack and sticker to go home.
I felt a bit disappointed and wondered if it had been worth our time. Nothing was said to me about what we were going to do or what we did or what the point was or what was learned or what I should be working on at home or how to help us. But as I drove and as I've talked to Jeff and to myself since I figured I'm a smart person and I can still learn from it.
One activity we did was simply sitting at the table with markers and a blank sheet of paper to color. Rayne wouldn't sit in her own chair, but had to sit on my lap. At home, she has LOVED drawing on paper with markers. Our fridge is covered in her work. But it took some encouragement from Kate (the counselor) to get her going. At first Rayne told her she only knows how to draw circles. Kate said that was okay, we were just going to fill the page with squiggles. She then took a marker herself and even drew on the table to show Rayne it was okay. She asked Rayne to pick a marker for herself and for Mom. Usually very in charge and telling me what to do, Rayne hesitated and had me pick for both of us. Once she got going she seemed okay but when she drew on the table accidentally, she said oops and looked shy or nervous. It was only when Kate said "is that a big deal? NO! You probably can't do it at home, but it's okay here" that Rayne was able to relax and really enjoy it.
This combined with the way Rayne reacted and resisted other activities made me really see the fear in her. I mean, I've seen it before, that's why we're going to therapy, but it's usually with other people and a lot going on, not in her play. The diagnosis for Rayne is that she has generalized anxiety disorder. Kate says it's the worst she's seen because there isn't something specific she's afraid of that we can help her with (like bugs, the dark etc). When she said it, I thought she meant Rayne specifically is worse than she's seen but I've wondered since if she just meant that it's the worst type of anxiety because it's generalized.
Anyway, of course I feel a lot of guilt. I keep searching for what I've done, what I do or don't do that has made this happen to my little girl. I know, I know, I can't do that to myself blah blah blah. It's there and I feel it and it's part of what I have to work through.
The crayon thing made me wonder how much I intimidate her or if I'm more rigid than I realize. I mean I obviously know I'm hard on myself and am uptight, but I thought I was encouraging to my children. I put the couch cushions on the floor to jump on. I play in the play-dough with them. I scribble on the paper. But maybe I do worry about messes and go crazy when things are all scattered and unorganized. And, since this day and thinking about this, I realize how much I tell Rayne no and "aaah!" and "be careful" and "okay but don't make a mess" etc.
It made me think of a movie Jeff and I watched before we were married called "Yours, Mine, and Ours." It's about a mixed family and the dad is in the military and that's how he's been raising his kids- rules, schedules, rigidity. The mom is an artist and raises her kids with freedom and creativity and mess. Jeff and I talked about which parent we thought we'd be like and what we thought we should be like. It was funny to me because he was already the fun, relaxed one in the relationship and I, obviously, have always been about rules and lists and schedules etc. But he wanted to be the strict one and felt like kids need that and that he would have been better off in that kind of structured environment. I wanted to be like the mom. I believed that kids need freedom to express themselves and make messes and explore their world. I wondered the other night if I need to remember that. If I should be more like that. I've said before I want to be the "hippie" mom.
The next morning, when Rayne was having her third total and complete breakdown in two hours, I thought "BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO TAKE CHARGE AROUND HERE!!!" Perhaps it's our lack of structure making everything crazy. I'd just been reading how important it is for kids, especially anxious kids, to have structure and guidance so they feel safe and like someone is in control and able to take care of them. We need rules! Less t.v., less sugar, more vegetables, bedtimes...
Okay, so I think the "right" answer is some sort of perfect balance. Mealtimes, bedtimes, definite rules about some things. And I think this Mama needs to step up and really be more of a presence (not, I hope, that I'm a total doormat at the moment, but some days it does feel close!) But maybe this mama also needs to relax and not be so fussy and cautious and meddling.
???
Thoughts? How do you achieve this balance? Do you lean more toward one way of thinking/being than the other? What works at your house?
Or, looking back, what would have done differently?
Friday, September 7, 2012
A mom should....
*always know what to do and have the right answers. If not, she should at least have a strong opinion.
*be happy, calm, and in charge of the situation.
*accept you as you are, nurture and inspire your true self.
*smell good. Not too perfumey, just something soft and comforting when giving lots of snuggles, hugs and kisses.
It gives me something to think about, something to reach for. A picture in my head of what they need me to be.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me
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