How am I?

Jeff recently started a new job. I mentioned one in November but it ultimately lasted only two weeks and that's all we'll say about that. I think this is week three on this new one. He's working nights, 10 p.m. until 7 a.m., doing stock at Wal-Mart. It's a very physically demanding job, which he wanted, and he loves working nights. He also thought this would be good so that he can be home during the day with the family. His normal routine was starting to be playing WoW (an online game) until about 2 in the morning and then sleeping until about 10. I felt like a night job would be okay. I was kind of used to sleeping alone and having some of the day by myself. Plus, I would like his help etc during the day.
I think we both forgot that he has to sleep a good amount during the day and I'm starting to feel quite lonely. Sadly, I don't just mean that I miss him but that I'm feeling overwhelmed and like "do I really have to do everything alone?" I try to tell myself it's no different than him working during the day and there have been a few days that have been really nice. Rayne and I play and do laundry etc and I really enjoy our time together.
I think it's a bit rough right now because there is a house guest staying here (he's been here 3+ weeks with at least one more to go) occupying the basement, ie. family room where a lot of Rayne's toys and the t.v. are. We still can be down there, but he talks a lot and watches really boring t.v. The last few days, Rayne has warmed up to him and he plays ball with her and I think it's good for both of them. I'm sure a lot of it is awkward me. I try to remember he just needs someone to talk to.
I have a lot of aches and pains lately. I really can't stand up very long and it's getting almost impossible to get up and down the stairs. Yesterday, I sat on the floor to organize and put groceries away in the freezer and on a pantry shelf. I couldn't get up! I mean, I couldn't even attempt at getting up. Jeff had to lift me completely with his own strength. My hero! I have to laugh, but it is kind of discouraging. When we go to the grocery store, I drive one of those little carts because I can't walk through the store without being in pain. It's embarrassing but necessary. Yesterday I told myself that for all people know my doctor told me not to walk so I have to drive it. That helped and I'm just so grateful the things exist! Just a few more weeks!
At my last doctor appointment, we talked about the possibility of inducing me. I guess conditions have to be right and I'd have to be 39 weeks anyway, but it seems like it would be for convenience. There is some concern about getting there in time considering Jeff's working nights and we live a bit of a distance from the hospital. But, I kind of feel like it's something that should just happen on its own as long as everything is going okay. I've read a bit about induction and felt convinced that I don't want to unless it really is necessary, but I still find myself considering it.
Rayne has been sleeping in her crib since about November. We finally had a doctor say something that clicked and one night I just went for it. The first night was rough, but she's been so good about it since. She actually prefers to sleep in her own bed. And, she sleeps through the night at least half the time. When I do get up with her, most the time I can just fix her blanket and rub her back and she goes right back to sleep.
Occasionally, she lets out a pretty good scream. I don't know if she's just frustrated with the blanket or having a bad dream or what. It always scares me. Sometimes she settles right back to sleep and sometimes she cries and needs little or lots of attention. Last night she screamed and I thought went back to sleep. It's so hard for me to move, I didn't even roll over. But then she started crying pretty hard and I knew she needed me. By the time I got to her, her feet were on the side of the crib and she was doing some kind of head stand on her pillow. She was stuck. I don't know what she was trying to do? It's kind of funny, but it kind of scared me. She could hurt herself! After that, she wanted to sit with me and she slept in my bed. It was kind of nice to snuggle her, it's been so long since she's slept with me. But, not being used to sleeping with her and having such a hard time being comfortable anyway, I didn't get much sleep last night.

Defining Moments

Today as I washed dishes, I watched out the window as two horses frolicked in the spring snow. Yes, frolicked. They jumped and batted and played with each other like dogs do, only much more gracefully and the snow was lightly falling around them. There was a time when I would have imagined that scene, not just the horses, but me pregnant with a baby playing happily on the floor and thought my life was perfect.

...

I don't know what we were talking about. I think I was telling my mom about a friend who is always posting on Facebook and telling me in emails about her hobbies, school, etc. This friend is almost as pregnant as I am and her daughter is about six weeks older than Rayne. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong when people can do these things and I can't even manage to get my hair done. But as I talked, something clicked. More than just a feeling, I felt something, a knowing perhaps, inside that I don't really care. I AM doing things the way I want to do them and the way I think they should be done. Imagine that.

...

For one reason or another, I spent a minute on Facebook the other day. It started that I was looking to see if any news had been posted about someone I care about. One thing led to another and I looked at an old friend's page. I've known this friend since junior high school and she had a baby right after high school graduation. Don't do the math, but her daughter is now 16 years old. I haven't seen this friend for a long time, but it's been since Rayne was born. I haven't seen the daughter in even longer and remember her as this cute, spunky kid that frankly I worried would be driven to rebellion by her mother. I saw a picture of the daughter and I couldn't even recognize her. I wondered and worried how she is doing.
Something caught my attention so I also looked through this friend's friend list. There were a lot of people that I knew, or at least knew of, in high school, some even dating back to elementary school. I don't really know what I learned from this but something happened. I felt light and like laughing. These weren't the kids I knew or was too intimidated to know. These were just people, grown up people. Not impressive people. People I wouldn't notice, let alone recognize if I saw them on the street. Perhaps by seeing them, I could let go of my high school self and realize that I'm just living my life, just like all of them. Nobody is looking? I thought I'd let go of high school a long time ago, but it was almost as if I was freed of thinking that life is about living in such a way you can go to your high school reunion and present the finished version of yourself.

Ain't she sweet?

Misunderstood?

Yesterday morning, Rayne was playing with two bears, a black and a pink one. The day before, she carried the black one around saying "you're such a good bear" and "mommy, look how cute" (the way she says cute is more like toot and it's really... well, cute!). Yesterday as I got breakfast pulled together, she got in Grandma's cupboard and got out four dish cloths. She took the black bear to one chair, laid out one cloth, put the bear on top and then covered him with another cloth telling him to take a nap. Then she did the same with the pink bear on another chair. Finally she was ready to climb up in the high chair for her Cheerios.
She has been VERY independent lately. I can't lift her to the chair or do the buckles. This is fine and good except when it scares mommy or I simply can't stand there that long. I was having a hard time standing yesterday and was glad she finally got in the chair. Just then, Grandpa Joe came in the kitchen. She stared him down in her affectionate way.
Rayne and "Poppy Joe" have a special relationship. I think they both adore each other and are a bit intimidated. Joe is a teaser and he appears and sometimes talks gruff and rough, but he's really quite sweet. Rayne loves to give him things and make him play but she won't give him any affection. I believe in letting her set her own limits so she always knows it's okay to say no. Sometimes I feel a need to be a mediator as far as that goes. So, as he came in, I said something about them having a staring contest and she really gave him a look. He sat down in the chair next to her.
Oops. She got so sad and started to cry. Grandpa Joe had sat, as far as she could tell, on the pink bear. After she'd worked so hard and with such care! I think he was embarrassed but sometimes I also think he gets a bit... annoyed by her reactions. I don't blame him for feeling bad when they were just playing and he quickly left, not with rude comments but something about her having "an attitude." I wasn't sure what to think or how Rayne would feel should she understand any of it. When he talked about it later, I think he gets that she's just a sensitive girl and he sat on her bear. But at the time I wasn't sure he did.
Sometimes I feel like people think I should change her reacting this way. That it's more of a spoiled or "bad" reaction. I know, because I can relate and I've seen it in almost all the children in my family, that she's just really sensitive. It's not just a toy, the bear might not be okay, it could be hurt, her hard work was disregarded, etc etc. I don't want to change that about her- how sweet and sensitive and conscientious she is. I don't think she should have to censor her feelings as hard as they are for any of the rest of us to "deal with."
She's really not spoiled. Sometimes I worry we are headed in that direction, but I really think that a lot of parent/children problems come from not understanding the kids' view or feelings.
Not to say I'm perfect. I've done better this week with my patience but it is VERY hard to stand there for so long when she could just get in the chair. But... isn't that my job as her mother? To give her what she needs even if it means giving up a bit myself (I say in my sleep deprived state). I wanted to discuss my thoughts and feelings more but she's done making her dinner mess and I have to go free her from the high chair. And I guess that's kinda my point anyway...

Talking

I feel contemplative today. I've been an ornery mess lately. Poor little Rayne gets the end of my patience almost everyday. My mom reminded me the other day that it's okay to not care- not care that she's throwing food around the house or having a tantrum or won't brush her teeth before insisting on the green Chapstick. I like to think I'd be a calmer person if I had my own space, if I wasn't worried that her messes are messing up someone else's house, her tantrums hurting someone else's ears etc. Maybe I'd be just as tired and short of patience. And, maybe it is okay to not care, even when I'm in someone else's space.
We had a good night's sleep last night- thank goodness! We all needed it. I feel much more calm and happy today. It's scary how much sleep affects me. Sometimes I'm sure I can't handle things just because I'm tired. And how differently I can view and handle things when I've slept. I keep telling myself that once I have the baby, my body can start to heal and I'll feel better. I forget about being up every few hours to feed him. The newborn part was the easy part with Rayne. I felt so good not being pregnant and she slept so well... better than expected anyway. But now I haven't had a full night's sleep in over two years and that worries me a bit.
I'm a lot more calm this time though. I think what I was imagining as the worst that could happen two years ago has now happened. So there's nothing (not as much anyway) to fear. And I'm home with my baby and that has been the greatest blessing ever. I used to say that I would give anything for that, I felt it was that important- so here we are. In someone else's house, moving every few months, and not knowing where we'll be for sure every few months. It's draining and exhausting but we're okay. We have a place to live, food to eat, and we have each other. As cliche as it is, that really is the important thing.
In my latest wave of bitterness, I sometimes think how "easy" it would be to send Rayne to daycare. All I'd have to do is get her dressed in the morning and feed and bathe her at night and wouldn't I look like the perfect mom? Her hair would always be combed and she'd wear cute clothes and my house (I'd have a house :) would always be pristine. I know it's not that easy for working mom's, but sometimes there are some I feel judge me so I like to lash back in my mind. But Rayne is a happy girl, despite the frustrated tantrums. And she is so smart and so secure- she's shy and cautious but not afraid of anything. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mom, losing my cool too often and, being pregnant, much too lazy for her. But then I see her play with her baby doll or how she takes care of people and toys and dogs, and I think perhaps I am doing something right.
Everyday I worry about Jeff's mom coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes, not to mention toys everywhere etc. I try so hard to at least keep dishes done. But, I wash them in the morning and they pile up by the end of the day- sometimes even when I feel like all we've eaten all day is sandwiches on paper plates! I just feel so bad and hate the thought of her working all day and coming home to our mess in her house. But, the other night, she thanked me for doing dishes and told me how much she appreciates that I do that. I thought of course I do, it's our mess and apologized for not being better about them. Perhaps, as always, I judge myself too harshly.
Perhaps today, in a rested, happy state, I can let go of the pressures I put on myself. I can take the next 7-8 weeks before this baby comes to rest and calm down and gee, maybe even be happy and enjoy my life, my people, even my own thoughts.

Zoo

A few weekends ago, the weather was surprisingly warm for February. Jeff's mom got up and said, "It's a great day for the zoo." She gave us some money and off we went. It was a perfect day. Not too many people. We were warm in the sun with jackets on and Jeff and I were so excited for Rayne to see the animals. She was perfect!
Above is a picture of what they call a cavvy. They had lots of them in different shapes and sizes. It was a cute little guy who posed at the window for a picture... that is of course, like Rayne, as soon as I was ready for the picture, they both turned around. Oh well. You can at least see how close we were able to get to some of the animals and exhibits.

Rayne talked for several days about the giraffes and their long necks and eating the grass. From her point of view, we were at eye level!

I think the tiger exhibit is all new. Or maybe it's just been a long time since I've been to the zoo. At one part, the tiger was just on the other side of the (dirty) glass. I wanted to pet him.

There were more tigers on this side. Fortunately for Rayne, she has a tall, strong Daddy who could lift her up to see. The tiger in front seemed to pose for all the people. The sign on the post warns that tigers "spray." I was impressed by the size of the animals. I don't remember seeing tigers so big and strong looking. It was kind of awesome.

One of the first animals we saw were the elephants. Rayne, at first, was more excited about the big red ball. There's a baby elephant in there somewhere who eventually played with the ball, rolling all over it. It was really cute and made us laugh.
I really wanted to take Rayne to the zoo for her birthday last year. We finally decided she was still too young/little and it was too expensive anyway. This year, I'll probably be a bit busy on her birthday- at least too tired to walk around the zoo (wink, wink). So, this was a perfect day. We had so much fun!

Catching up on some pictures

This is at Uncle Georgie's. Notice how Rayne likes to hold ALL the toys at once. This is frustrating for her at times, when they just won't cooperate with her.

This is one of the first day's at Kelsey Grandma's new apartment. She wasn't sleeping, but she likes to play with little towels and blankets. She lays them out, folds them up, sits or lays on them.

This one is just cute. Rayne has become quite good at the stair climbing thing. It scares mommy.

Having tea with Kelsey Grandpa!

Last August/September Rayne's grandma brought home this little house. She loved it!