Just me

What if I'm a girlie girl?

What if I dress everyday the way I did today? What if it's not good enough? In style? Cool enough to fit in with my neighbor? What if I'm too old? What if I look funny?

What if I like it?

 I recently discovered that I still have this lingering, what I call "junior high" way of viewing things. I'm so afraid of standing out, being different, what someone else might think because surely if one person thinks it, it must be true.
I've never thought of myself as a girlie girl. Probably the same junior high mentality. You don't want to look like a little kid anymore or like your mommy dresses you or something.
Plus I kind of grew up with three brothers and perhaps being too girlie made me feel like I didn't fit in with them or was too weak to stick up for myself.

I like flowers. I like skirts. I like prairie shirts and details like ruffles and lace. I like old fashioned jewelry. I like curly soft hair and subtle make up and soft smelling soaps and perfume.
And maybe I can like these things and still love baseball and doing math and joking with my brothers. I can still be strong and in charge and take care of myself.



yyyyyyyyyyyyygewwuw3cccccbnmggggtttttahssawqertyuioppmmmmmmmmmbbbnnnnnnnnn

A "yay!" post- school

Today was the best day of school yet!
Jeff and I have been talking a lot this week about how to motivate our kids, how we want school to look, and just what matters to us. It's been really good. I've been making all kinds of plans and he wants to be a part of school. So today we just jumped into some of the things we've been talking about.
Rayne was quite hesitant about the change. I don't know if it's the change in time of day? She seemed quite resistant to having Jeff be there. But once we got going, it all went smoothly. She worked a lot with Daddy and loved it! Daddy and I both worked with her and Caius and Caius didn't have his normal grumpies. I could see that they both are thinking and learning and it will all be okay.
Good job! all of us! :)

Get with it, Mama!

It felt good to write my last post and accept that things can be good enough without being perfect. It was good to let go of a few things and quit pushing myself so hard to try for whatever picture of perfect I have in my head.
But a few days later and I'm going crazy. It's not the voices in my head and unrealistic perceptions I have. I WANT THINGS BETTER THAN THIS!

Knowing this is also good.

Tonight was our first real effort  doing homeschool rather than online. Some things went quite well. While Rayne wasn't completely agreeable, it wasn't a complete blow up. But, I still kind of felt just rushed to get it done and struggling to get her attention and "make" her do it.
We've been doing school at night when Jeff goes to work for a few weeks now. It seems to work. But Jeff and I both feel like it would be better to get up and get it done in the morning. I don't know why I feel like that. I guess it needs to be a bit of a focus and to be acknowledged that it needs to get done, not just as an after thought.
I want school to be better!

In my last post I admitted to myself that losing weight just isn't a priority for me right now. And so for a day or two, I let myself go. I had such bad sugar cravings and munchies and I just let myself indulge. And I feel horrible! It was really quite gross how much I just craved the comfort of food. I was already aware that I eat for comfort but boy oh boy, did it get away from me! This is also good to know. And to remember that I do care about my health. I may not be able to think about losing weight and wishing I looked "hot" but dang I do care how I feel!
I also care a lot about what my kids eat. Rayne doesn't eat anything! as I've said before. Caius does better but if he gets what he wants it's pretty much all pasta and cheese. Maybe that's not so bad but I think I can do better for him.

Is it wrong/bad for me to say that Jeff's schedule throws us off? Okay, it's easier to blame something out there than to take it upon myself, but really. He leaves before 5 so I've been trying to feed us more of a dinner before he goes and then he's hungry when he gets home around 9 so I thought we could have a bedtime snack. Well, the only reason this has been working for us, is because I just give in to everybody. And I am cooking mac and cheese or chili dogs at 9:00 at night when kids should be going to bed!
That's another thing. Caius has quite a habit of taking a nap when Daddy goes to work and Rayne and I do school. Then he gets up at 7 and doesn't want to go to bed until way too late. At least he naps. Rayne just thinks she doesn't have to go to bed until she's beyond tired and has a total breakdown (yes I do try to get her there before that happens, but it's not very fruitful). Then we are all tired so we sleep in and I've tried to work with that and say it's just our life but I think it's awful.
Perhaps it's just my style and people are different but I HATE being up late and sleeping in and trying to live a life in between. It just doesn't work for me!!! I feel crappy and tired all the time and so unproductive! Given that I am the mom, I think that's important to consider.

I'm not really blaming Jeff but if he's not at work, he has no discipline or structure to his life. It's probably one of the things I fell in love with. His happy, care free way of being and that he wanted me to slow down and enjoy life. But he stays up until whenever he feels like sleeping, which I think doesn't help with kids and bedtimes... somehow, it plays into it. He gets up when he's done sleeping or we get too loud and wake him up, which if I do have structure in our mornings, he kind of interrupts. Then he sits and plays games while we try to do school and somehow that's just not conducive to the atmosphere or something. And yet, what is he supposed to do? Just sit there while we work? So how do I change this!?

So now I'm back to saying, we need some rules dang it!
Bedtimes, mealtimes, school time. The t.v. and video games don't have to be on ALL DAY long (I'm sure it's just a bad energy past a certain point).

But really what needs to be said is "get with it mama!" I have to do better! And this isn't a beat my head against the wall trying to be perfect thing. This is a "this isn't working for me!" thing. I'm NOT happy with the way it is.
I don't make my kids do things because I'm not strong enough to fight about it. That's NOT okay. I'm sure they can at least sense that and maybe it's part of the reason Rayne is so insecure. Mom's a pushover so Rayne has so much control but perhaps feels like who's going to protect her?
Dang it! I thought if I was nice and loving, my kids would just go along with our routine. But EVERYTHING is a fight with her! I have to find some other motivation than "because I said so" or it's what has to be done! She just doesn't buy into that and then Caius follows her example even though he's such a mellow, do what he's supposed to kind of kid.

Alright, get with it mama! Be the grown up.

Another visit with mom perfection

A friend posted this on FB today.
I often wonder about other people, but rarely venture out to find out. Sometimes I apologize for my house not being cleaner when if I could be honest with myself, this is about as good as it gets and I think I'm doing pretty darn okay. If I could just let myself know it, I actually think I'm not doing too badly.

I've decided to quit worrying so much about what we are eating and just focus on making sure we do eat. There are some things I want to keep trying to do better, like eating more vegetables and not cooking 3 different dinners every time we eat. I really do believe in eating wholesome, real, unpackaged food, maybe even organic as we can. But I can't keep beating myself up over it.
I can't keep thinking we're failing every time I make dinner. Because really, the Velveeta Skillet that my boys are so fond of? I know it comes out of a box and is white pasta with cheese, but really, I'd be so happy if my girl would eat some and I'm glad my little boy gets the iron and protein from the beef. Some days, especially since starting kindergarten, I am just worn out and need to get something on the table fast. Sometimes, even if I do a more "homemade" meal, it does have canned ingredients and I just have to say that's okay. And really V-8 and canned fruit have always made me feel good, even if they aren't as good as the "real thing."
It's the world we live in. I wasn't raised knowing any better and teaching myself really isn't easy. Then there's always the food budget and the fact that no, really, I CAN'T afford organic eggs no matter how "worth it" they are. Or whatever the excuse, I just have to think it's not so bad as the foodies want me to believe.
In fact, like my house, I might even think I'm doing alright.

I really need to lose weight and get healthy. No really. I'm bigger now than I've ever been and I've never been so out of shape, even when I never really was in shape. And I do want to be healthier and stronger.
 But really? Right now it's just not a priority. I have so many things I'm trying to get done and think about everyday, being skinny and hating my body for not being there just isn't my top priority. Actually, I'd like to start with loving my body, getting better and more sleep, eating more veggies, and maybe doing some stretching and even just getting back in touch with my muscles.
Hello? Are you still there? My beautiful wonderful body that has come through so much? I made two babies for crying out loud! And I'm still here, living, breathing, getting things done. I have to admit, that's kind of awesome.

The truth is, my house might be messy, but it's not dirty.
I am aware of nutrition and keep making strides in feeding this group and I really am just grateful we have what we need and are healthy.
And my big confession is, I like Mt. Dew. I mean I LIKE Mt Dew and I just don't think I want to quit.
So instead, I give up trying to be "perfect." I am perfectly okay!

Deep breath- school decision

I have considered this last week a time of transition. I am quite happy with my process of deciding about Rayne's school. While it was very emotionally and mentally all encompassing for me, I really didn't freak out and stress in my typical decision making way. I didn't go searching everyone else's opinions in order to "figure out" what was right.
I gave myself time to feel. I prayed. I read a lot of different things just to get a picture in my mind of our options. I listened to my feelings. I discussed MY thoughts and feelings with people I felt mattered. And I let myself know what I thought and felt.
I breathed.
And then I knew.

Our final decision is to officially homeschool Rayne. Well, not officially. It turns out you don't even have to send a 5 year old to kindergarten legally in our state. So, we're not even going to bother with making it "official." What I mean by official is that we will be withdrawing from the online school, not sending her to a brick and mortar school, and taking this on all ourselves.
While this may not look like a change to anyone else, for me it is a big change. Daunting at first, I have found a lot of ideas and am actually feeling excited about teaching my children in a more formal, yet still home, way.
And, I keep reminding myself, it's only kindergarten. I think if she learns to read, write, and do some arithmetic, she'll be okay. I intend to really work on the behavior as well. I'm not completely sure what all that entails at this point (perhaps we should go back to therapy) but I have some plans in place for some first little steps. So far a couple serious time outs for hitting given by mom, who is seen as the weaker parent, have already seemed to make a big difference.

And so I continue to breathe.

Where we stand

Yesterday I had a conference call with Rayne's teacher and the Special Ed person. Basically, what it comes down to is this.
Rayne is not able to meet the expectations of this school because she is unwilling to meet and test with the teacher, showing aggressive behavior, she won't talk in the microphone for evaluations and won't participate in live lessons and reading groups. They are saying that they have to have a way of assessing that she is aquiring the information. That makes sense of course and I guess being an online school, one of their main ways is to talk to the kid. Not unreasonable.
In order to go forward with this school, we would need evaluations, including someone coming to our home to observe and probably Rayne meeting with a doctor/therapist on her own, and a behavior plan which, they were sure to tell me, would be extremely hard on me, require a lot, and things would definitely get worse before they get better. But, it is really important to take care of this now before Rayne is older and bigger and has hormonal changes etc thrown in to really mess with her. One word that stood out to me was that we need to "extinguish" this behavior before it gets worse.
Okay. Understandable. Reasonable expectation. Of course I don't want to be dealing with an aggressive, defiant teenager. Etc etc etc. But, there is no way for anyone to see Rayne when she is happy and sweet and confident and learning because if anyone else is there, she freaks out. I'm not completely convinced that forcing her to meet and work with strangers is going to help and not do more damage at this point.
Or maybe they are right. I have to confess that an exhausted part of me wishes I could just send her to school a couple hours a day and have someone else "fix" her.

The other option, according to this school, is to send her to the neighborhood traditional school. This might be better because she would be meeting face to face and have positive peer pressure and let's face it, just the convenience of it being just down the road rather than out in cyber space. They assured me that even being in a behavioral classroom, which may not even be always necessary, she should be learning at grade level, meaning what the "regular" classroom is learning. She is still expected to meet state requirements etc.
I can't help wondering if "experts" wouldn't be better able to help her.
But I don't think that's what my gut is saying. I don't want her to have a negative, hating school experience. I've never really believed that the best way to deal with fears is to face and overcome them. You need to learn how to deal in spite of them. I think that sending her to strangers, all alone, would be trying to get her over her fears. I'm pretty sure that if I were to go parachuting or something similar, I would die from my fears not suddenly not have them anymore.
Perhaps I'm wrong. I'm just not really ready to test it on my little girl.

So, my thinking, Jeff's thinking, is we will do flat out home school. I'm pretty sure that makes no difference to anyone but me. No one else knows really what we are currently doing or how it would be any sort of a change to be officially homeschooling. But, it is a big difference for me. I would be solely responsible for all her education and learning, academically, behaviorally, even socially. I'd have to come up with it all on my own. And as I've mentioned, I'm exhausted!
Because no matter how much someone else may love her or be concerned or try to help, when it comes down to it, I am the only one "in the trenches" with her. Even Daddy isn't completely there. Perhaps Caius is and that's a whole other issue. But it is me. I'm the one actually doing it. Taking her to doctor appointments, meeting with teachers, helping her in the bathroom, trying to get her to eat, being yelled at, trying to teach and love her.
My mom has told me the story of someone she once knew who had a daughter with some kind of disability. In exhaustion, the mother asked, "why me?" The answer she received was that she wasn't the one going through it. Her daughter was and she was the mother and it was her job to help her child.
I think of that often. This is my baby. It is my job to help her. I try not to think about my own tiredness and needs. I try to think of them enough to be better for my kids. This is what it is to be a mom. I believe that. I've somehow always known that it was so important for me to be there with my kids. I kind of think it's why my life has played out the way it has. It's all about them now.

Deep breath. It's time to be queen.

Meeting ED

Today Rayne and I met with the special ed director of her school. She (I'll just call her ED) tried to get Rayne to test with her like she had done with the teacher a month or so ago. Is it possible it could have gone worse than the initial test? Apparently so.

I suppose in fairness Rayne did tell me she wasn't going to do it and I should maybe just be glad she went with me without putting up a fight. But she demonstrated very aggressive behavior. I literally had to hold onto her to keep her from kicking, punching, scratching ED. And boy can my girl give some mean, threatening looks! Lately she does this mean face and holds up a fist like she's threatening to hit you. It was awful.

ED was very kind and patient. She has experience with this stuff! I felt like it was a good conversation to have had and that I learned something but by the time we got to the car, I felt like crying and I didn't even know what the conversation was about.

ED said that in a traditional, "brick and mortar" setting they take aggressive behavior very seriously. Hitting a teacher would not be tolerated at all. Rayne would probably be put in a special class and they would have to do things like a safety plan for her to participate in field trips. It was all very depressing. This is my beautiful, brilliant girl they are talking about! The alternate setting would be very structured and address behavior and maybe in a year or two, Rayne could assimilate into the regular classroom.
As for their school, an online school, there isn't a lot they can do because they aren't the ones dealing with it face to face everyday. They can come up with a behavior plan and it would be mostly teaching me how to implement it all. She said "it is exhausting."

I am exhausted. There are days when I hate school. There I times when I guiltily wish I could send her to someone else and have them deal with it. Maybe it would snap her out of it or something. I feel like a failure because I don't know how to fix it, I haven't fixed it already, it exists at all.

ED is going to call Rayne's teacher tomorrow morning and then they will contact me to talk further.

I talked to Jeff for a bit tonight (he's at work). He is very much against sending Rayne to the brick and mortar school. I think even more so after what I told him ED's recommendation would be. He was always in "resource" (I don't know if that's the PC word but that's what he calls it so it's the term I'll use) for behavioral issues, not a learning disability. That's exactly how ED explained it. There isn't an intellectual problem, it's behavior. But, according to Jeff, he had to work at the level of people who were mentally challenged, learning disabled etc and so he was never challenged, never learned anything and got bored so he'd act out more.
This is good to know. That's not what I want for my girl. The whole reason we are doing school at home is because I want to feed her intellectually even though we don't know what to do behaviorally.

So I guess I'll see what ED and teacher say tomorrow and go from there. It would be good to have the help in helping Rayne. To know some tools and how to approach things.
Still, thinking in terms of "aggression" I feel a bit more able to see what I need to do just because we put that label on it.

Sigh. I am so tired. I really want to go to the library. Maybe I could read and learn how to help "aggressive" behavior and Rayne and Caius could just learn from reading. It's not a bad idea...

What is school?

I've been reading a lot about homeschooling. Because that's what I do. I gather information and try to look at all possibilities in order to figure out my own. Plus, even though we aren't technically homeschooling, we are schooling at home and I like getting ideas for how to structure things etc.
One article I read recently suggested that curriculum isn't the first thing you need to consider when doing home school. First you should decide your philosophies and values and why you are doing education this way. I thought this was great advice. I am needing now to evaluate why we are doing this and what I believe and want it to be. Forget the school for a while and look inside my head.

So, brainstorm...

I always imagined I wanted to teach my children everything! Art, philosophy, math, science, literature, music, history, religion. Good books must surround us!
Art- the space to create and appreciation of beauty
I want them to THINK! I took a really hard philosophy class in college. I didn't understand much. I want to learn it all and read it all again. I want my children to have that challenge. Just considering and thinking about ideas and what it means to know or learn or what existence is about.
They should be writers. For pleasure and telling stories. For expressing ideas and making a logical statement. For self expression, an outlet for thoughts and feelings.
History and science and math should be fun and hands on and relatable. They should know it's okay to try something just to see if or how it works. It's okay to make a mistake and figure it out.
I want them to love learning and school should be a positive thing. I believe in education. I believe in being smart. I love to learn! I love to read! I love to do! I want them to have that too.

One of my first reactions to this latest stuff with Rayne's school is that I wish I could just send her to school and it would all be positive. I have a feeling that things are not working out with this school and a change is coming.
I have since felt a lot of peace thinking perhaps we will just straight homeschool her. My understanding is there isn't much structure to homeschool and it's up to the parents to figure it all out. This is daunting and I didn't want to be so "weird" like that. I'm afraid of not teaching her all she needs to know. But in reading about it, I keep imagining what it could be. And in all honesty, I don't think she's ready for regular school. I don't know if overcoming those challenges would be positive right now or if they would just defeat us and set her up forever to hate school and be afraid. But if I just kept her home with me and taught her to read and write and play with numbers and do some art and science projects... we could do lessons about manners and home and friends and our spiritual beliefs. I could just hold her and read to her and she'd be okay. She'd be happy and smart. I really am feeling this. Is it right?
And Caius could be more a part of it and he'd learn right along with her and feel included and secure.

I want to read to my babies.

Since my last post...

I felt that the things I wrote about last time were truly inspiration. Things seem to be going much more smoothly. School has been less of a struggle. I haven't made quite so many dinners. I've set some limits and had kids to bed earlier. And I've felt much more calm.

But, the other day, I talked to Rayne's school teacher. While we are doing school at home, we are still registered with a public school and she has a class and teacher we are supposed to meet with online almost everyday. There are also assignments which require Rayne to talk into a microphone and record an answer that is sent to the teacher. These are the hard things for her to do.
I'm not sure why. I'm pretty sure she gets overwhelmed with all the noise of being online with other kids and a teacher who is trying to keep things moving along while still answering everybody's individual questions. The microphone thing, I've been able to get her to do a few times, just talking to me with the microphone on. But, her latest response to that is to run and hide behind a chair and whimper.
While the special ed director said that her assignments are fine and the anxiety is not getting in the way of her academics, it turns out the teacher has been compiling information to get a picture of what is going on with Rayne. She's saved assignments, the recorded lessons, and I don't know what all for sure. As she pointed out, a lot of the kindergarten lessons are the recorded answers and participation in the reading groups and live lessons. Oh and did I mention before how poorly the testing with the teacher in person went a month or two ago? My concern that I expressed to the teacher is that these things will keep her from moving on within the school system.
I guess she was pretty much agreeing, or acknowledging, that it may cause problems. The special ed director is wanting to meet with Rayne and see if she can get a better testing and maybe once or twice a week to do some evaluations. And, as the teacher put it, she wants to be able to come to me and say this is the plan to help Rayne and work within this school setting OR you know what, this isn't the best place for Rayne to be.

I had so many emotional reactions. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling or thinking and had to just let it flow for a while. Well, I suppose it's all still flowing and processing through my brain.
I can't help feeling like a failure. I can't get my girl to eat or go to the bathroom and now I'm failing with her schooling as well. And it's always been like this! We had such a hard time as a newborn just getting her to breastfeed and the sleeping thing! that I guess I was supposed to "teach" her how to do??? She didn't start sleeping through the night until she was four years old!
I also feel extremely defensive. Like the teacher is saying there is something wrong with my baby! And yet I know she is bright and catching on to everything I'm trying to teach her as far as school goes. I feel like we're being kicked out and how do you get kicked out of doing school at home???
I feel guilty. A part of me wishes I could just send her to the neighborhood school and it would all just be happy and we'd get her dressed up and comb her hair (another thing I have to fight with her about!) and she'd show the teacher how smart she is and make friends and we'd just be... normal.

But, we are not normal. I've never felt normal. I've always felt different and awkward. My baby girl has been scared since the day she was born and things like noise and people and rules are overwhelming to her. She has so many needs. She NEEDS input and an outlet for creativity and thinking and processing all the information she is so capable of understanding.
I talked to Jeff last night a lot about being the mom and stepping up and trusting myself to know my children and to defend them and do what I KNOW is best for them. Part of meeting with the special ed director is probably going to require Rayne to go into the office alone with her. Like that is going to have any good outcome! Perhaps it's not a good idea to even try. Or maybe we need to know what would happen?
I've also been thinking of how I've just been there Rayne's whole little life- carrying her, holding her, sleeping with her, eating with her, dressing her, trying to make- in spite of all the fights and resistance- her life go as smoothly as possible. Trying to give her calm and safety so she can deal with all this. And maybe I've approached it all wrong. Or maybe it was right for a while but now it's time to change. I wonder if she doesn't need more independence. I need to insist she does some things on her own and to not back down no matter how long it takes or how much screaming goes on. She needs to know that I am stronger than she is so she can feel safe that I CAN protect her. And she needs to know that she can do things and take care of herself a bit.

Hm... I feel derailed this week. Again. Perhaps things will never settle and this just is what it is to be a mother.

Notes on My Life

In giving up I found an answer

Last night between 9:30 and 10, as I was making mac and cheese and microwaving a corn dog, I realized that reality keeps changing my plans. Similarly, that morning Rayne had finally sat down at the table and was starting her school work when Jeff got up and said he had about 1/2 an hour to get to work. I had totally forgotten he was going in early. Of course the kids want to see Daddy before he goes and I didn't want to ignore him by sticking with the school stuff so I gave up.

What I realized (probably not for the first time) last night is that no matter how much I plan things and set schedules and rules etc to make things go the way I think they should, life just happens. So, in both cases, I gave up. But in giving up, I was able to see what really needs to happen. Do I like making a second or third dinner/snack that late at night? Do I like school being interrupted? Definitely not. But it happens. Almost everyday it happens. So why do I keep fighting it, thinking I'm trying to make it right and that it's my job?

This is not sounding as positive as it was. The point is, in giving up, it all came together. Daddy gets home late from work. I think kids should be going to bed at that time, but they're not going to be. So I might as well plan around that. We'll have a snack when Daddy gets home, the kids can play with him for a bit and hopefully everyone is in bed by 10... ish. That sounds so late for little kids, but that's our life.

Rayne is totally resistant to getting up and getting into school and it ends up with me getting really frustrated and feeling like school takes the WHOLE day. So I give up. We have a couple things that need to be done in the morning but why not let the rest wait until Daddy goes to work? She'll feel like she had a day and settle into getting the work done. Caius is tired enough by then, he'll settle in to watching t.v. (great babysitter I know) or be willing to work with us. And maybe I'll get some housework done during the day and not feel like school has taken over everything. I even had it all come together in my mind how I've been trying to organize school, lessons etc.

More positive

I took Rayne to the doctor on Monday. It was traumatic. They x-rayed her stomach which was a horrible experience for the poor girl. I had to pin her down with the help of a nurse and she screamed in fear through it. Luckily it didn't last long.
But, it came with good... well, not good, but something we can work on... results. There may be a physical reason for the bathroom problems and that is at least fixable by medicine and diet instead of just thinking she's too stubborn and I'm too weak to make her do what she's supposed to.

Also on Monday I received an email from the Special Ed director at Rayne's school. She basically said that since the anxiety isn't affecting Rayne's ability to understand the work and get it done, the school doesn't intervene. My first reaction was fine, tell me there's something wrong and then there's nothing you can do to help. But then I realized that I was seeking help through the school because of how I felt the teacher was reacting. I felt like she was encouraging me to get help because we have a big problem here. But really? We don't. It's the same stuff that I've been handling since Rayne was born.
This was encouraging. I don't need to worry, at least when it comes to school, because Rayne won't talk to her teacher. We're doing online school because it's hard for her to be around other kids and a teacher. That's a different issue but as far as academics? We're doing just fine. And I can handle that!

I can handle that!

Babble

The other day I decided
             "I give up my need for outside validation."

Since then, I feel like a lot has hit me to test this resolve. I keep searching and reading and talking for answers. When what I really need to do is go inside myself and find what I know.

This mom thing is so much harder than I could have imagined. Nearly everyday I feel like I am failing in at least some way, if not many. Another resolve I've tried to have is to remember that it may not be perfect or ideal, but I'm getting the job done and it really is satisfactory.

It's again mostly my Rayne girl. She still suffers from bathroom issues. This week has been extremely bad and I've made a doctor appointment for Monday. But it almost feels hopeless, like I'm again looking out there for someone to help me and I don't really believe there is a solution.

She doesn't eat. Seriously. I sometimes get to the end of the day and realize what little she is living on and it's absolute lack of nutrition and I just cry. How can I do that to her!? Why don't I quit giving her the treats and sugar etc? But deep down, I just don't know how to get her to eat anything good. The more I push, the more she pushes back and it too feels hopeless.

She has bad teeth. I'm suddenly seeing all these holes and I'm so worried about it. I don't dare take her to the dentist, I'm pretty sure it would be fruitless anyway. I've tried so hard to take care of my kids' teeth. She's pretty good about getting them brushed, even if we have to fight about it first it is one fight I do win. And she takes flouride vitamins. But still, I really feel like a bad mom for this one.

And school. I think we are doing better. I'm taking more ownership and being more in charge. She seems to hate it less. But it's another thing we usually fight about at least once a day. I try talking to the teacher and getting advice or help but she is starting to seem like she has a lot to say or offer but never gets around to doing so.

This leads to my precious Caius. I feel like he gets so left out of everything. I'm always so busy taking care of Rayne that he gets kind of left by the wayside. Yet when I try to include him and bring him in, I often meet with resistance from him as well which really breaks my heart because he's my sweet boy that I just want to be happy.

He's the happiest when he's with Uncle Krush. He loves staying all night there. He gets so much attention and validation that I am really happy he has her. But I'd be lying to say I don't sometimes feel like I'm failing him too. I wish he wanted to be here. I try to give him attention and love and I think he knows and feels that. I don't think he's unhappy here, but I worry if any of his needs are getting met.

How do I do it all!? How do people have 7 or 8 kids and function?

On a more positive side, I do see myself being stronger, especially this last week. I've been more clear headed and able to talk to myself about how I want things to be and what I think they should be. I am getting a bit over giving into the kids because I don't want them to ever feel sad or hurt or disappointed and this makes me better able to put up with the crying and fighting and stick with my assertions. But it's amazing how hard it is to hear them cry! And the fighting... with me or each other, it just makes me explode!

So, what needs to be done?
Bedtimes with bedtime prayers and soft music and story time. Teeth brushing! ALL t.v.s and computers etc need to be turned off. Even Daddy's? Can I ask that of him? That he is a part of this routine as well???

Somehow I have to quit buying the junk food. I keep thinking I'm doing better and then find all this candy or cookies in my house. :)
They have to eat what I give them and Rayne has to start trying things. I can't keep cooking multiple meals!

School time is school time and if we're doing it at home, everyone has to be supportive at the least and involved at best. Caius and Daddy too. I feel like I made some strides on this last week so I'll keep going.

I am the Mama! That is really big. They need to know that and I need to know it.

Rules to live by

I read this article last night about how to be a mean mom. I liked it because not only did it tell me to toughen up and take care of the kids but what rules are the most important to set down (ie. HOW to be mean). For some reason, I needed someone to tell me this.
As I've thought about it today, I've thought of some rules I need to set down to be a "mean" mom. Saying it that way also helps me realize I'm not really mean, just doing my job and that I need to stick with it no matter how much they push me and complain about it.

So...

How to be a mean mom:

* Kids go to bed at 8 o'clock! All t.v.s must be turned off, even for Daddy. No games, iPods etc will be allowed in bed.

* Meals and snacks are served at certain times at the table. I do NOT make special meals for people if they don't like it or just want something else. They can try what they are given if for no
other reason than to be polite!

* Rayne is in school from 10:00 to 4:00. If we finish earlier, fine, but that is our school time. NO tv or games allowed (perhaps games during "recess" because they are highly motivational right now). She will spend 30 minutes (work up to longer?) on school work and then have a 10 minute break.

* My children do not scream at me, each other, or other people. They do not hit, kick, scratch, etc.

Middle age thoughts

Something the kids were talking about the other day made me realize I most likely have at least as many years in my life as I've already lived. I've lived a whole life in that time! So what makes us all think it's middle age and going over the hill etc? If the best parts of my life have already happened, that's a long time to... do what? Sit around getting gray and achy?

The funny thing is, I've realized since my last birthday that I'm not even forty! While for the last year, I've been thinking, I'm almost 40! When I started the job I had when I got married, I met a few people that were in their early forties and thought they were pretty cool. They seemed mature but still young, smart and settled into their lives. That's what I wanted when I hit forty. So what's happened in the last few years to make me feel so old and worn out? Why am I suddenly afraid of my age? I've never worried about it before? And most importantly, what am I going to do with the other half of my life? I'm sure there are even better things still coming!

I want to be mature and confident and calm in my being. I want to be beautiful, not in a sexy model way but in an I'm a woman now way. I want to embrace education, past and future as well as my children's. I want to remember all the things I was going to do in life and DO them! I want to learn to roller blade and paint pictures and do more math. I want to continue to create my home and nurture my children. I want to remember what it was like to dream!

Today's school notes

She likes to get it done and do it quickly.
She likes to do it herself.
She likes being in charge.

Focus on DOing.
Let her make choices or be in charge
Give her the job to get it done instead of listening to me tell her a lesson.

Let her hurry but I  can stay calm and relaxed about it. Hahahahaha

School, a work in progress

So I spent the weekend re-thinking school for Rayne. It helped a lot to talk to Melanie who has done the online school as well as teach kindergarten in traditional school. Sunday night I moved some things around to set up more of a classroom atmosphere in the kitchen rather than a corner around the computer. I read through all of the weeks' lessons and wrote down the basic things we would be covering. We've done a few weeks now and I can see the basic structure of the lessons so I took control of them.
I felt like things went a lot better yesterday. We got through each subject without really realizing that we were doing it. It felt more like school should be as far as a teacher and activities etc. Instead of sitting at or near the computer and going down the list, I planned some activities to cover the lessons in a more active way. For example, instead of throwing in practice writing letters at some point during the lesson, I decided each day would start with a letter wall, a paper taped to the wall where she can write standing up and without lines. I showed her how the letters should be written but then I also had her listen to a word to figure out which letter it was. Instead of reading the book as part of the lesson, after lunch I met my students on the couch for story time. We read the school book as well as a couple that they chose.

Today everyone was tired and not feeling well this morning. I decided to run out to the store and start school later in the day. I even told Rayne (probably shouldn't have) that we'd just do what had to be done and skip what we could until tomorrow. So, we went rather quickly through the lessons, mostly just covering the basics, and yet I felt like she was on task much better than usual or even yesterday. When I asked if she felt better about school today she said yes because it was short.

So my new thought this week is maybe she needs to just be shown what needs to be done, let her do it, and get it done for the day. Then perhaps I can supplement throughout the rest of the day and make sure all the concepts are covered.

Hm...

Kindergarten

This fall, Rayne and I, which affects Daddy and Caius too, took on the challenge of doing online school at home. From what I understand, doing school at home online is different than "homeschooling." We are registered with a public school, she has a teacher, curriculum and assignments, books and supplies etc. I am called the learning coach. My job is to help her through the assignments. We meet each day with her teacher and classmates online for lessons and activities which will soon include a reading group.

So far, I have felt that this was the right decision to make for Rayne. We went to a kindergarten testing last spring at the school here in town and it resulted in a panic attack. I had hoped that meeting the teacher and seeing the classroom would help Rayne get excited about attending a "brick and mortar" school. But no. I wasn't very impressed by the teacher's reaction either. It wasn't a bad judgement, just a thought that if there are 20 or 30 students all needing attention, I couldn't send my sweet sensitive girl to try to deal with it all. And I couldn't imagine doing that to the teacher.

Rayne's anxiety expresses itself as aggression, yelling, and a fight response (as in fight or flight). I see fear in my girl and she will fight to defend herself, even if the only attack is happening in her head.
Even doing school at home has been a challenge. Pretty much everyday I am yelled at because she hates it and doesn't want to do it. I can usually get her attention with a fun activity and she even ends school time, sometimes, by saying that she loves it. But it is often a long hard day. It takes a lot of my energy and time. Caius feels left out a lot of the time and he is. This is hard on me too. I suppose somehow I had hoped that I would finally have some alone time with him and Rayne would adjust and excel and love going to a traditional school.

I have been reading about a few mental health issues that people have suggested I look into. These and even the anxiety label have felt inadequate lately. Like I can see the behaviors but my gut is saying it's not quite the problem. One thing I have read though, I really want to talk to someone about but I feel like I can't. Even here, I'm concerned what people will think.

I think I have a bright child.

I know. Every parent thinks their child is brilliant and we think all children are gifted in their own way. I try to be cautious of thinking my kids are so smart because I think it puts a great deal of expectation on them. I want them to know it's okay to make mistakes and not be perfect and not always know the right answer. And I do agree that all children have their own gifts and they all develop and learn so differently in their own way and at their own pace.

But that's not what I've been reading about.

From what I understand, being bright or gifted doesn't mean always knowing stuff. It doesn't mean having special aptitude for a particular subject or talent, although that can be. I'm reading that some kids just mentally process things differently. THAT is what I think I'm dealing with. I'm not bragging that I have a smart kid or that she's special and someone else's isn't. I'm just saying her brain works differently.

She processes a lot of information and is sensitive to a lot around her that might just go past a more "normal" child. She does have a good memory, a vivid imagination, big vocabulary and is very into solving problems. She gets frustrated easily and is quite perfectionist, giving up when she can't get it just right. These are all signs of a different mind.

So, WHAT DO I DO???!!? Schooling at home gives us the opportunity to adjust for her. It allows me the opportunity to be involved and work with her special needs. But honestly I am overwhelmed. Perhaps I stick too closely to the rules. I focus too much on finishing the assignments given on the computer in the order and way they are presented when really I could...

Make it fun. Mix things up. Present it my way FOR her. Instead of writing on the paper, color on the walls (not really, but trying to get ideas going :) Start at the end and see what steps it takes to get there. Get her to teach me.
And darnit, I need more of a classroom space rather than a corner! Perhaps I need to re-do my whole housing arrangement!

Anyone out there have experience with any of this? School at home or homeschooling? Special needs ? Bright children?

Summer in One Post

Oh how I miss blogging. It has been so long. We've had birthdays and summer and now we have started school. So much to catch up on.

 We had a double birthday party at a park near Boppy's house for the kids' birthday with family. I think these parks are being called splash pads? The kids love being in the water.
On their actual birthdays, we had presents and cake at home. On Caius' day we went to Toys 'R' Us for the first time and each of them got to pick out a present. On Rayne's day we just went to Walmart and they each got something again.

 I can't believe my baby girl is 5. I remember everything about her being born quite vividly. She's such a spunky monkey that I sometimes want to just kick her little tushy. She really keeps me going. But all the time, I look at her with such awe. She is so incredibly beautiful and moves so gracefully and with such strength. She has an amazing mind and is quick to solve problems, even if it's just using her imagination. It seems like she has a solution for everything.

 And my beautiful, beautiful boy. He is so incredibly sweet and cuddly. I feel like he's always been who he is but then I think about him being a baby and can't believe how much he's grown. I love his smile. The way he talks, his voice and the way he uses words. He is silly and likes to cheer people up, especially his sister. Three years old! Just let me hold you a little longer.

I honestly look at my kids and think that, objectively, they are so beautiful and so smart. I wonder if all moms think that of their children because I'm just sure it's true of mine. Sometimes I think I could just explode I feel so much love for them.

This is a picture of the minion cake I made for Caius' birthday. I had seen some on Pinterest but am proud to take full credit for figuring this out on my own. I think he turned out pretty cute. For Rayne, I drew a cheetah on a rectangle cake. It didn't turn out as cool as I wanted it to but I was still pretty proud.

This last summer, we took on a babysitting job. Our neighbors have three boys ages 12, 10 and 6. They have been wonderful friends to my kids and the mom was my visiting teaching partner. I started picking the younger two up from school on their early day as a favor but that turned into doing it every week for a bit of money. Then we took care of them over spring break and that worked out so well, I asked what she was doing with the boys for the summer or if she knew anyone that needed a sitter.
By summer they had moved so it was a little drive to their house but it was kind of fun. The kids would play and we would mostly go to lunch at an elementary school with a free lunch program. That was hard on my little Rayne but I think it was a good experience that they might remember fondly one day.
The job ended earlier than expected when the grandma decided she wanted to have the boys to help her with some projects around the house. I was ready for it to be over. Honestly five kids arguing and whining for more than a few hours a day was taking it's toll on me and my kids. The money would have been nice though and my kids have missed "their boys."

I am very excited that this summer my little brother and his family have moved back to Utah. They've lived out of state so long we barely know his three boys. We have been trying to all meet up at our mom's house on Saturdays and the last time we were there the kids finally seemed to be getting comfortable and Rayne LOVED playing outside with the boys and their swords and fighting the bad guy grown ups.

I've also tried to get my kids into the pool at Boppy's each Saturday. This was a needed activity and my kids are taking quite well to the water becoming quite independent and sometimes a bit too brave! When we were babysitting I really enjoyed this time to just play with my kids and have some time with them.


And now we are into September. Rayne has started kindergarten which we are doing at home online. For the most part it's good but it seems everyday starts with her screaming at me that she hates it and quits. If I can get something fun pulled up on the computer to start her lessons, I can suck her into it. Then her teacher does a "live lesson" each day except Thursday. This allows her to see her teacher on the computer and go through some songs and activities with a class. She can't see the other students but we sure can hear them. I feel like a lot of the time is spent with people trying to get microphones working and muted etc. It is quite frustrating and I don't blame her for hating it. But there are some good parts of it too I'm trying to get her to participate more with. It's a challenge!
It makes me think we did the right thing choosing to keep her home. I can't imagine what would happen if she was in the classroom with the teacher giving directions and kids making noise! I'm pretty sure she'd "go postal" and start hitting anything and anyone she could! And yet today I wondered if we didn't just get her through a few days or even weeks of it, if she wouldn't be better off? Doing it at home where she can take it all out on me may not be the best for either of us. We will see.

I am trying to draw the line and be even more firm with some of her behaviors. It's hard for me to not see the emotion behind it and try to reassure her that it/she's okay. I just feel that it's to the point that I have to stop her from things like hitting and screaming at people no matter what is going on inside her poor little self.

And that is us. I'd really like to blog more but I won't even say that because it hasn't been happening.

So it wasn't my final answer

I again need to discuss food. I have relaxed quite a bit since my last post about it. I've been eating and feeling much better (aside from a weekend and a few days of my blood sugar going up and down like crazy for no reason I could figure out). But my kids and hubby? Sometimes I'm just appalled at what we live on!
So today my question is, what do I do about them? Does anyone out there really make dinner, put it on the table and they can take it or leave it and you don't worry about the kid starving to death? What about the total melt down and physical outbursts that totally seem to go better when she's eaten something- even if it is waffles and syrup or sugary cereal?
So many times I have written plans and lists and menus and, to give myself credit, I don't do too badly. But there is always an exception. There is always a down side. Very often I end up making two or even three dinners. It's driving me crazy! I've even resolved to fine, I only have two kids and I don't care if I have to make one of them something special that she will eat. Honestly, I try to plan around what the hubby wants and likes. I'm getting bold and a time or two a week, I make what I want whether he likes it or not. But, I decided, or tried to plan, that maybe I'm the exception. I'll make something for my boys as "what's for dinner" and then I'll make my healthy something and as long as I'm doing that, I might as well make something for the girl to eat. Ugh! I really am ridiculous aren't I?

I was talking to my mom the other day about something else and we came to the conclusion that I am the queen of the castle and I have to set the way things go. It would actually be better for my kids, I think, if I would step up and set some rules and boundaries. I think this is true of food too.
But how in the heck do I do it!?!? Somehow, I have to just set the expectation and stick with it.

What we (should) eat:

Breakfast: I like the idea of a breakfast bar. Some cereal and/or bread items. Fruit. Milk. Sometimes eggs. Then they can kind of pick and choose.

Lunch: What is wrong with sandwiches??? I like the idea of a sandwich (for me that can be a lot of veggies or even a salad with a salad bar type set up for the kids- again so they can choose!) and some fruit.

Afternoon snack: Fruit, nuts/nut butter/yogurt/cheese, maybe some crackers

Dinner: I am buying into the idea of meat and vegetables. We can switch things up with some spaghetti or tacos (things we eat often).

Bedtime snack: I do feel the kids need it and sometimes by the time I'm going to bed and we've had an early dinner, I do too. But something simple. Bread and butter? Chocolate milk, cereal... I like the idea of a healthy cookie. Nobody eats them but me. And what I've made isn't that healthy, I just think if it has peanut butter or oatmeal in it and I made it rather than opened a package, it's healthy enough.

Baby your babies

I had a conversation yesterday that makes me wonder if I baby my babies too much.
Okay, I'm pretty sure I probably do, but is that really such a bad thing?
I know I'm too soft on them. Not that I at all think you should be hard, but it would be nice if they treated me with some respect or acknowledged that when mom says something they should at least consider it.
The conversation yesterday started with me telling my mother in law that Caius is extremely picky lately about the pants he wears. In fact, both kids, if I pick out clothes for them, won't wear what I pick so I've quit trying and just tell them to do it themselves. That's not bad right? Teaching independence?
 Her suggestion was to give them two choices. After all, who's the boss? I think it bothers her that we let our kids "control" so much of what goes on here and perhaps she is right. But...
Lately Caius goes into his drawer and usually has a particular pair of pants he's looking for. If it isn't there, nothing else will do. As frustrating as it can be when I just need him to get dressed, I actually think it's kind of cute that he knows what he wants and I'm sure there is a reason behind it. He also has worn the same shirt pretty much exclusively for the last week or more. And Rayne! Oh my. She will NOT let me comb her hair. She has allowed Daddy to do it at night but by morning it really needs to be done again. Sometimes I persuade her or I just do it anyway, but for the most part, I let her get away with it. Why? Because it really isn't that important to me that my kids' clothes match or their hair is nice and neat and styled. Sure, I don't like it much when they look like uncared for ragamuffins. But really, there are things I find more important.
So the question isn't really about letting them dress themselves but if letting them get away with not combing their hair is giving them too much power or something? Does this carry over into not being able to get them to do the important stuff?
As far as babying them, I also question if I do too much for them. I had thought that one of my new year resolutions would be to not do anything for them that they are capable of doing themselves. I know they are still little, but really? Suddenly my girl is almost five and I'm still putting on her shoes and socks, not because she can't but because she won't. Not to mention other things. When does it just get ridiculous and you have to put a stop to such things?
I guess I know I should be in charge more. Sometimes it drives me crazy. Why don't I have more authority and what damage am I doing by not? But sometimes when I stop and think about things and how I want to be as a mother, I understand why I do things the way I do.
Fittingly, I wanted to type as I thought so as to get some thoughts going as to what I DO think I should be doing as a mother. But I've been so interrupted, this is all I've managed to say.
To be continued... or something like that!

Food: My Final Answer?

The answer is the Word of Wisdom.

Of course it is. I've always known that and I actually think a lot about it when I'm talking about food and what I should be feeding my family.

I've never really been bothered by what we shouldn't have. The closest I've been to even temptation is that I think coffee smells good and it would be nice to have a soothing hot drink in the morning. Oh, and when I was pregnant the first time and working and so sick all the time, I would stand by the coffee pot in the office because the smell would purge any other smells or bad tastes in my mouth and help calm my nausea.

But, I've always been concerned about what we should be eating. It's bothered me that we avoid the "bad" stuff, but I've never really had lessons about what the good stuff is and what it means. I'm kind of a stickler for rules. I feel like an authority has to tell me what it means so I know for sure and I don't really trust my own instincts, thoughts, or feelings about things. We all know that's not right!
So today I had the thought, then later read someone saying it better than I could, if our body is a temple and you have to have a recommend to go into the temple, then what we put into our bodies should have to be worthy to enter. 

I read the Word of Wisdom this morning and it is what I've always thought. Fruits, vegetables, grains. Meat should be eaten sparingly. I don't know what this means about dairy, eggs and fish. But really, there is no need for an authority to tell me what or how. It's right there!!!

So now the question becomes, how do I get my family to eat this way? I really think my Rayne girl would let herself starve rather than eat something she thinks she doesn't like. Jeff, I'm pretty sure, will think he's starving if he doesn't have his convenience food. He actually told me the other day that vegetables aren't food when I was hungry not long after dinner because I had filled up on vegetables and not much meat.

There is also the question of canned food not being as good as fresh (some people think it's not worth anything! But I'm not so sure I agree). And all this talk about wheat being altered so it's not good for us anymore when right there not only does it say grain is the staff of life but that wheat is for man.

But it's a start. I think I need to quit reading all the other stuff that's out there. At least for a while so my brain settles. True or not, there is just so much fear in a lot of it, I don't think it's worth reading.

Fruits, vegetables and grains. Focus on that for now. That is enough.

Re: my last post on food

What I was hoping to get to in my last post is basically, I think I ride a pendulum and perhaps it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Sometimes I think if I was a strong, "good" mom, I would feed my kids healthy stuff and not give them any other options and they would learn to like it. When that fails, I swing the other way and give up and they end up eating junk food all day. But let's face it, my kids will never eat oatmeal for breakfast. But I can! And that doesn't mean they have to live on Cap'n Crunch or Eggo waffles soaked in syrup. They WILL eat Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Wheat Chex. So, some may argue that those are processed and really not very healthy choices and I'll worry because I could be doing better, but you know what? They aren't BAD choices. Even the waffles or sugary cereals aren't always SO bad.
Which brings me to my next point. I try way too hard to get everything exactly perfect. I read things and no matter what I think is healthy, someone somewhere says something different. Well, I give up! I give up listening to all that. Even the stuff I think I might agree with. Okay, maybe I'll try to do better or incorporate that kind of thing (eating only organic food for example) but the reality is, it doesn't always work (it's expensive, the kids won't eat it etc) and that's not BAD.
A while back I read some very motivational books my mom loaned me on how kids eat in France. According to these sources, there is such a culture behind food and good eating, that kids just grow up in it and they are so much healthier. I was so inspired, again not to be perfect, but I was going to stick to some definite rules. I always think we should be on a schedule and sit down to our meals and snacks and eat what is given to us. I'm not completely willing to give up on this yet.
BUT...
My little Rayne girl does not really do well with this. I keep thinking if I limit snacks and juice between meals, she will do better. But it doesn't really seem to make much difference. If I honestly look at her and what works and when she eats the best, it's if I give her things frequently throughout the day. She'll eat a bit of cereal for breakfast. Then after an hour or two, she'll eat some cheese. Then for lunch, she'll never eat a sandwich, but she will eat bread and/or lunch meat and/or fruit and/or some carrots. In the afternoon, she'll eat some yogurt. Dinner I would like to stay a bit more formal about. Wait, I'm not formal. I'd like to be? Well anyway, I always end up making more than one thing. I don't think this is good. But maybe it really is okay if she has her whole grain spaghetti every night. Maybe dinner is the time to set some rules and expectations. I'll have to think more on this one. And I think they do need a bed time snack. Especially when we often have an early dinner. But, once I clean up the kitchen, I do NOT need to start all over with snacks and special orders. They can simply have some pudding or a healthy cookie and some milk or something not messy or a big deal.
See, when I can think and "plan," I feel like I can give and demand both a little better. I c an have my plans and ideas about it all but still give to what works for them.
I think. We'll see how it goes. And, there is still the problem of Daddy and his frozen pizza and corn dogs. But he is not entirely stubborn so I'll think some more on that as well.
Wish me luck!

Food on the brain

Last August, I went to the doctor thinking I was becoming diabetic. Everyone in my family is and I'm getting to that age so I felt like I was recognizing the symptoms. My sister went out and bought me a blood tester and told me all about it. I had some very high readings and I had some very low readings. But, the doctor's test said there was no diabetes or even pre-diabetes. I was told to eat healthy and lose weight and come back in a year.
I should have been relieved, and I was, but I also kept feeling like crap without much explanation. I really started working on my diet, cutting out sugar and watching how what I ate affected me. For the most part, I've been feeling better. But, some days I could eat a doughnut and be fine and other days, I'd eat white bread toast with my eggs and be thrown way off.

Two years ago, I had my gallbladder out. The surgeon said there was no need to change my diet, just go slowly at first, introducing foods back into my diet. Since then, I often feel sick to my stomach. Some days, I can eat a cheeseburger and fries and be okay. Other days, just the fries make me feel bloated and sick. It's like my body just doesn't work and process food. But, again, I've been trying to eat healthy and have figured out a few things about myself.

Until recently.

It seems for the last month or so I always feel sick to my stomach, no matter what I eat. Sometimes even a salad feels like I've eaten lead and I feel heavy and tired and full of air. It's kind of like I'm full as if I ate a big meal but I'm hungry at the same time because what food I did eat isn't going anywhere and I really didn't eat that much.

Last weekend, I saw my older brother that I rarely see. When I said something about how I was feeling, he suggested I look at milk products. What I described sounded like what he had felt when he became lactose intolerant. As we talked, it kind of made sense. Just the day before I ate ice-cream for lunch. Healthy I know but I thought it might be easy on my stomach and I just wasn't feeling well. Plus I really wanted some. But that's all I had for lunch and I felt so bloated after!

Well, I've been avoiding milk and cheese this week. Not completely, but I've had pretty much none and I feel SO much better. I feel like I've lost weight and I'm more awake and I don't have that horrible feeling in my stomach. I don't know if I've become lactose intolerant or, as I've read, it's just hard to digest dairy products when you don't have a gall bladder. I don't care. I feel much better and it hasn't been too hard to go without!

The down side is, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. What DO I eat? I tried to have a salad yesterday with dressing that wasn't ranch (a few days ago, I realized- duh!- I make ranch dressing with buttermilk and that's why even a salad with only veggies also hurt my stomach) and it just wasn't very good. I like other dressings, I just have to think of what kind of veggies go with them. What I had on that salad didn't really go with the dressing I had. In avoiding milk and cheese food, I haven't been as diligent about the stuff that was helping my sugar levels. Today that kind of caught up to me. I only tested my blood once and it was normal, but I sure didn't feel normal.

I have spent so much time in the last few months or longer trying to plan, write things down, learn recipes etc. and today I just feel discouraged. One of my children does NOT eat well and the other often follows her example, although he usually will give in and eat something when he's hungry. My hubby is a bit picky even though he tries not to complain. I want to eat REAL food. But I'm not even sure how.

I didn't mean to say so much about how I feel and the discouragements. I was actually hoping to have a few good thoughts. Like, if I buy things Rayne eats, she actually gets in and finds something to eat when she wants. She's not eating "meals" with us, but perhaps she likes (needs?) the independence or choice? Maybe I should quit trying to plan and control so much and plan to not plan? If I have string cheese in the fridge and apple sauce in the pantry and a few things, at least she is eating and eating healthy things? Maybe thinking Jeffrey will ever give up his frozen pizza and corn dogs is hopeless and maybe I should just feed him that? (Hm... doubtful on this one). But maybe... really, maybe I just try too hard to go nowhere! I feel like I have to start all over. AGAIN!

Christmas Pictures in February... oh well

Anticipation

At Great-grandma's/ Christmas Eve

Santa delivers

Christmas morning

Checking in on me

I have been a mother for about 5 years (depending on when you start counting- pregnancy or birth?). Out of 37+, that's not very many. But, I think my identity will always and first, from now on, be Mom.
I am not the same person I used to be. And that is okay. I've never been a mom before. She/I never existed.

But I do now.

I used to teach math. I always thought that if I worked after having children, teaching would be a good profession. Either I'd teach high school and have a similar schedule to my own kids. Or, I'd teach like I did at the college and only be gone for a few hours at a time.
Now? I'm pretty sure that teaching requires (at least when I do it) more emotional energy than I can spare. If I were to teach, I would need to "be" a teacher, and that would take away from what I need to give my children.
Currently, thinking of the possibility of me working and needing to make money, I have been looking into computer coding and programming. This is something I NEVER thought of before. I am surprised how much I am enjoying what I am learning so far. I like the thinking it requires. Instead of feeling like I'm giving and going outward, I feel like I'm reaching in and stretching in a way that is almost restful. I am connecting with my brain in places I haven't been for quite a while. I like bringing that old part of me into this new mom.

Believe it or not, I used to go to the gym. I started getting in pretty good shape. I was still large, but I could breathe and move and had strength. And I was getting smaller. I felt good in clothes and how I looked. I got so I could do 30 minutes or more on the elliptical and I LOVED it. For a while, I lifted weights pretty intensely with my brother. I enjoyed the strength and the challenge.
Now when I think of my physical health, I KNOW I need rest. I need acceptance, not challenge. I am too out of shape to breathe hard enough to do the elliptical. I imagine doing yoga and eating healthy and sleeping as what my body needs. Although I have recently REALLY enjoyed punching my sister's punching bag and I keep wanting to a bit of weight training to wake up my poor muscles.

I used to wear make-up and get dressed every day, even to stay home.
Now I spend most days not wearing make-up and often stay in my pajamas because I get cleaning and playing and cooking and I just don't bother to change into clothes. I've been trying to "get dressed" so I feel better but even that means something different now than it used to. And make-up? I wear it quite differently than I used to.

I guess I just needed to acknowledge the changes. They don't mean I'm getting old or lazy or letting myself go or any other negative thought I may have had about myself. They just are. And it's okay.

A mom has been born.

P.S. I just looked at the HTML tag of this post and understood it! There isn't a lot of code but I know what it stood for :) 

A revelation

I saw this on Pinterest the other day. That's nice, I scrolled on, I believe that too. The words a pinner put underneath were "you really don't."
I went on but then something clicked and I went back and pinned it myself. Maybe it deserves more pondering? And I kept thinking about it for a couple days now.

I equate not needing or wanting and giving everything I have with righteous sacrifice.
I think desire, want, having things is the same as being worldly, ungrateful, prideful.

I've never thought I was settling. In fact, I think I've lived a pretty good life. I've even been talking to my mom lately about how perhaps the challenges we face, my own trials at the moment, are meant to be (I'd given up on "meant to be"s along time ago). In some way, I have come to believe that while we do have our choices, things happen around us and to us and sometimes our challenge is not to overcome but to endure them.

But...

What have I ever truly WANTED in my life? I don't know, honestly, if I have ever allowed myself that. I wanted to go to college but when it came time to go, I didn't let myself think of where I wanted to go or what I wanted to study. I thought about what was possible, what was "right," what I was capable of. Fine, I'm all for practicality but...
One thing I know I really wanted with all my heart was to be a mom. This was something I prayed and yearned for. But even this, I waited a long time for and I assumed that was part of my sacrifice, proving that I really wanted it. I have thought for a long time, and feel I have done so, that I would give up anything to be home with my children. Maybe I never really thought that I could be a mom and we could have a nice house and enough money and some physical and spiritual stability. Because that would be too easy! That wouldn't show I was sacrificing enough. I might be happy and enjoy my children.
I worry now what if? What if all Rayne's anxiety and struggle is a manifestation of my thinking (therefore setting the intention- new age jargon here :) that I had to prove that I could do a good job, that no one else could do it. People needed to see that she really needed me in order to justify my being home and taking care of her.
It's ridiculous when I say it out loud. Isn't that great! I'm getting these thoughts, these false beliefs to come out of my head and onto paper and then I can laugh at them! I might be happy and enjoy my children. My life. My marriage. Myself.

Hu...

 Make a wish and let it come true.

What's new in My Universe

January is flying by! I can't believe it's February tomorrow. I just wanted to take a minute to catch up to myself and what we've been up to.
That house organization I was so proud of before? Yah, it's slowly falling undone. At least the basic structure is still in place and perhaps I just need to get back on top of things again. I rearranged Caius' room, again, to accommodate his toys and make for a better play place. He seems to like it and is SO good about putting things away when he's done. I think he likes to be a bit clean and organized! (PS he changes his clothes if they even get a drop of water on them. He definitely likes to be a bit neat and tidy!). Rayne's room on the other hand is quite a mess! And if I start doing anything in there, she kicks me out. I know, I know. She's four and I'm the boss but I do believe in respecting her space to some degree at least. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get in there and straighten up. I did a little today. We'll see how long that lasts!

Jeff has been pretty much unemployed since last July. It's incredibly frustrating! He had a job interview this week that he was actually excited about but he didn't get it. However, they did tell him that the only reason the other guy got it was that the other guy has experience. Jeff is definitely on the list if they have an opening or this guy doesn't work out etc. Here's hoping. Or hoping for anything really. We are receiving a tax refund that will help us tremendously to get through in the mean time but...

As for me, I have been looking into computer coding. It is pretty exciting actually. I feel like I haven't used this part of my brain for quite some time. There is a website that teaches some of this stuff for free! I have a friend who works doing coding and has had some good opportunities to work from home. That is my goal at the moment. Supposedly, with my math degree and some learning I will be a good candidate. My dad has also talked to me about this, in fact that's where it all started, and has been told that there are good opportunities out there.

Another thing that has been on my mind is that Rayne will be five this year and starting kindergarten. I know I think too much, but I've been thinking and pondering on our options since she was three! I kind of wish I didn't know there were options so we'd just have the mind set that she starts public school in the fall. (Perhaps that is my answer?). But we've really been thinking that we will do online school, at least for the first year or two.
Jeff is concerned about the academic. Frankly, she is quite a bright kid and he doesn't think she'll be challenged. He was often bored in school. I worry about her emotions and anxiety and that this will lead to "behavior problems." I don't want her to be labelled as the bad kid because she acts out when she gets frustrated, scared, challenged, embarrassed, etc. And she feels these things often in a day!
At this point, I'm just trying to think of how to look into things and how to think about the decision. I can't help feeling I can't be everything for her and a school setting would do her a lot of good. But I also don't want to just throw her into deep waters and hope she can swim.

Mommy thoughts

Something happened yesterday that made me realize how truly blessed I am to have a mother like mine. I've always loved and appreciated and been grateful for her, but I realized how rare it is to have a mother that is truly nurturing, encouraging and kind. Someone who rubs your ankles when you sit in the dentist's chair, no matter how old you are. Who talks you through your crazy dreams and seemingly insurmountable shortcomings without making you feel stupid or corrected. I don't remember ever fighting with my mom.

A while back I wrote a post about wanting to be my childrens' best friend. I've since wondered if that was the right way to phrase it. If maybe I didn't mean their cheerleader or confidant. More recently I've thought it's not realistic to think of being a friend to them. I've felt like my children really lack discipline and manners and need to be taught things I'm not teaching them because I'm too lenient and willing to let them play. I've even somewhat set some goals to get them to be more independent and do things on their own.

Okay perhaps this is all fine and maybe even true. But...

I was reminded yesterday that I want to be like my mom. I want to be a mom who is always encouraging and kind. I don't believe we are given the job to create people. I believe we are given people to help become their best selves. I want them to learn and grow in themselves, for who they are. And I DO believe a lot of who and what they are came that way. I don't want to discourage them or even correct them in a certain sense.

I rearranged the living room furniture the other day. They LOVE running around and around and over the couch and chair. I believe in letting them do this. I also believe it's not okay to do at grandma's house, but this is THEIR home and I want them to be happy and comfortable and free to do and explore and play. These things come first. The independence, the manners, the discipline come later.