Notes on My Life

In giving up I found an answer

Last night between 9:30 and 10, as I was making mac and cheese and microwaving a corn dog, I realized that reality keeps changing my plans. Similarly, that morning Rayne had finally sat down at the table and was starting her school work when Jeff got up and said he had about 1/2 an hour to get to work. I had totally forgotten he was going in early. Of course the kids want to see Daddy before he goes and I didn't want to ignore him by sticking with the school stuff so I gave up.

What I realized (probably not for the first time) last night is that no matter how much I plan things and set schedules and rules etc to make things go the way I think they should, life just happens. So, in both cases, I gave up. But in giving up, I was able to see what really needs to happen. Do I like making a second or third dinner/snack that late at night? Do I like school being interrupted? Definitely not. But it happens. Almost everyday it happens. So why do I keep fighting it, thinking I'm trying to make it right and that it's my job?

This is not sounding as positive as it was. The point is, in giving up, it all came together. Daddy gets home late from work. I think kids should be going to bed at that time, but they're not going to be. So I might as well plan around that. We'll have a snack when Daddy gets home, the kids can play with him for a bit and hopefully everyone is in bed by 10... ish. That sounds so late for little kids, but that's our life.

Rayne is totally resistant to getting up and getting into school and it ends up with me getting really frustrated and feeling like school takes the WHOLE day. So I give up. We have a couple things that need to be done in the morning but why not let the rest wait until Daddy goes to work? She'll feel like she had a day and settle into getting the work done. Caius is tired enough by then, he'll settle in to watching t.v. (great babysitter I know) or be willing to work with us. And maybe I'll get some housework done during the day and not feel like school has taken over everything. I even had it all come together in my mind how I've been trying to organize school, lessons etc.

More positive

I took Rayne to the doctor on Monday. It was traumatic. They x-rayed her stomach which was a horrible experience for the poor girl. I had to pin her down with the help of a nurse and she screamed in fear through it. Luckily it didn't last long.
But, it came with good... well, not good, but something we can work on... results. There may be a physical reason for the bathroom problems and that is at least fixable by medicine and diet instead of just thinking she's too stubborn and I'm too weak to make her do what she's supposed to.

Also on Monday I received an email from the Special Ed director at Rayne's school. She basically said that since the anxiety isn't affecting Rayne's ability to understand the work and get it done, the school doesn't intervene. My first reaction was fine, tell me there's something wrong and then there's nothing you can do to help. But then I realized that I was seeking help through the school because of how I felt the teacher was reacting. I felt like she was encouraging me to get help because we have a big problem here. But really? We don't. It's the same stuff that I've been handling since Rayne was born.
This was encouraging. I don't need to worry, at least when it comes to school, because Rayne won't talk to her teacher. We're doing online school because it's hard for her to be around other kids and a teacher. That's a different issue but as far as academics? We're doing just fine. And I can handle that!

I can handle that!