It's easy when you have a defiant child to get in the habit of what I call pre-defense talking. I get so used to everything being challenged and I'm told "no" so often, I've started just trying to sound firm and in charge from the start. Lately, I have really felt like she is bossy and demanding in the way she talks to me and I've had to stop and wonder if that's how she feels I talk to her.
So yesterday I really tried to make a point of speaking nicely to each other. I can't really insist that she say please and ask nicely when I'm always telling her what she has to do without any consideration for how she feels. At first it felt kind of forced. I was surprised how often I had to stop and rephrase things. Instead of "get your shoes on!" I had to say "please will you get your shoes on?" Sometimes the nice talk, frankly, makes me feel kinda stupid, like if anyone was listening they'd think no wonder I'm such a push over and she rules the house. But the nice talk quickly set in and it made quite a difference yesterday. I don't know that she was really much more likely to do what I said but we were happier and laughing more and there was definitely a lighter tone in the air and things went much more smoothly. When you are in the flow of things, there isn't so much need to be telling her what to do.
P.S. Any suggestions for dealing with a defiant child? There are some things I do have to insist on and the more I do so, the more she insists on her own way. Sometimes it seems to help if I kind of walk away- if I tell her what needs to be done and then do something else myself. It's like that makes her get that I'm serious more than me standing there trying to oversee it all and "make sure" it gets done. Any other thoughts?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Rules
For the record, I've been feeling a lot better since my last post. I felt rather hit in the head with things but it's helped make me (or perhaps I should say given me permission to?) look at myself and what I need and what needs to be happening around here. I've had some really constructive thoughts and some deep breaths. I should also note that it's not like I'm in crisis here, not wallowing away or anything. We are doing okay. I just need to get better.
I've been thinking for a while about schedules, rules, and routines. They say kids really need them. I know I really need them. I've also wished that I could not be like that and just go with the flow and be more relaxed about things. Perhaps the two are not related (structure vs. not stress). I've found myself really thinking about rules the last few days.
Rules are hard for me when it comes to the children. I tend to err on the side of thinking they are too young to really know any better but I think I still find myself expecting a lot of the kids and being surprised I've had to repeat myself so many times about certain issues. I think I've heard that children can handle about one rule for every year of age and that gets complicated too. I feel that something like "be nice" is too general a rule but "don't hit your brother" quickly expands into no hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, name calling, yelling... and that's just too much. The other problem I have is knowing that I have to enforce and be consistent with whatever rules I do make official. I find it too easy to make exceptions or that if we're at the store that's different than being at grandma's which is different than at home and... I guess I have a hard time with the consistency thing.
So, it finally dawned on me the other day that it's not THEM that needs rules, it's ME. If I give the rules to myself, being the one that has to follow through with them anyway, they (the kids) would kind of fall into place. The hardest things for me right now are bedtime and eating. I suppose I could write a whole blog just on these issues. But I thought I'd start with what I need with those things... oh and maybe some personal space/time for Mama... and give myself some rules and then things can go from there.
So, this is a working list, a start. I've been thinking about them for a while but have yet to solidify it all:
EATING:
Meals and snacks will be served at the table at certain times. Eating other than this is frowned upon- that means you too Daddy who lives on his own schedule.
Exceptions may be (or maybe should not be):
breakfast is really much easier if I just get a big bowl of cereal and I feed them while sitting on the couch as we wake up, watch t.v., get Daddy home etc. Hm. Saying it out loud sounds really dumb and perhaps breakfast should be a better start to our day?
I'm seriously considering today buying a big plastic table cloth and spreading it on the floor as a picnic blanket for some snacks and perhaps lunchtime.
Also need to consider sippy cups. I'd like to get rid of them for anyone over two years old? Or does that give one kid something the other can't have? But definitely need to rid us of carrying them around the house.
BEDTIME:
snack at 6:30 after changing diapers, getting on pj's etc
7:00 both kids brush teeth, come hair
Rayne to her room for quiet play, Caius bedtime
I was thinking tonight that if Rayne would play alone for an hour (she was doing well with that for a while), I could just say 7-8 is Caius' bedtime and 8-9 is for Rayne. If Caius is asleep sooner, yay! (he usually is) and Mommy gets some time to read or something. I think it helped Rayne sleep to play alone in her room- know it's her space, she's safe alone etc. Plus, then I don't feel like it takes 2 hours just to get kids to bed.
Bedtime routines: we're pretty good on this one! Books, stretches, bed
The problem is, Caius often wakes up within an hour of going to sleep and this often interrupts Rayne's time. Suggestions?!?!?!
Jeff's time is 9-9:30
9:30-10:30 Mommy time- this means doing what I WANT and something so I can rest. Not catching up/finishing up housework, folding laundry (I do find that relaxing sometimes) etc. I'm serious on this one JoAnna-force yourself to relax! :)
MAMA NEEDS SOME PRIVACY AND SELF TIME:
I think I will start with, if Daddy is here/awake, Mommy goes to the bathroom or gets dressed alone. Rayne really struggles with this. Even if she's playing or watching a movie, if I go in the bathroom, she at least has to come check on me or something.
I've been making Jeff let me shower in the morning (instead of at night after kids go to bed) at least a few times a week (I shower everyday, just sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night). I think this should start becoming everyday.
I really want to start having an hour a week that Daddy keeps the kids and I go out alone.
I've been thinking for a while about schedules, rules, and routines. They say kids really need them. I know I really need them. I've also wished that I could not be like that and just go with the flow and be more relaxed about things. Perhaps the two are not related (structure vs. not stress). I've found myself really thinking about rules the last few days.
Rules are hard for me when it comes to the children. I tend to err on the side of thinking they are too young to really know any better but I think I still find myself expecting a lot of the kids and being surprised I've had to repeat myself so many times about certain issues. I think I've heard that children can handle about one rule for every year of age and that gets complicated too. I feel that something like "be nice" is too general a rule but "don't hit your brother" quickly expands into no hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, name calling, yelling... and that's just too much. The other problem I have is knowing that I have to enforce and be consistent with whatever rules I do make official. I find it too easy to make exceptions or that if we're at the store that's different than being at grandma's which is different than at home and... I guess I have a hard time with the consistency thing.
So, it finally dawned on me the other day that it's not THEM that needs rules, it's ME. If I give the rules to myself, being the one that has to follow through with them anyway, they (the kids) would kind of fall into place. The hardest things for me right now are bedtime and eating. I suppose I could write a whole blog just on these issues. But I thought I'd start with what I need with those things... oh and maybe some personal space/time for Mama... and give myself some rules and then things can go from there.
So, this is a working list, a start. I've been thinking about them for a while but have yet to solidify it all:
EATING:
Meals and snacks will be served at the table at certain times. Eating other than this is frowned upon- that means you too Daddy who lives on his own schedule.
Exceptions may be (or maybe should not be):
breakfast is really much easier if I just get a big bowl of cereal and I feed them while sitting on the couch as we wake up, watch t.v., get Daddy home etc. Hm. Saying it out loud sounds really dumb and perhaps breakfast should be a better start to our day?
I'm seriously considering today buying a big plastic table cloth and spreading it on the floor as a picnic blanket for some snacks and perhaps lunchtime.
Also need to consider sippy cups. I'd like to get rid of them for anyone over two years old? Or does that give one kid something the other can't have? But definitely need to rid us of carrying them around the house.
BEDTIME:
snack at 6:30 after changing diapers, getting on pj's etc
7:00 both kids brush teeth, come hair
Rayne to her room for quiet play, Caius bedtime
I was thinking tonight that if Rayne would play alone for an hour (she was doing well with that for a while), I could just say 7-8 is Caius' bedtime and 8-9 is for Rayne. If Caius is asleep sooner, yay! (he usually is) and Mommy gets some time to read or something. I think it helped Rayne sleep to play alone in her room- know it's her space, she's safe alone etc. Plus, then I don't feel like it takes 2 hours just to get kids to bed.
Bedtime routines: we're pretty good on this one! Books, stretches, bed
The problem is, Caius often wakes up within an hour of going to sleep and this often interrupts Rayne's time. Suggestions?!?!?!
Jeff's time is 9-9:30
9:30-10:30 Mommy time- this means doing what I WANT and something so I can rest. Not catching up/finishing up housework, folding laundry (I do find that relaxing sometimes) etc. I'm serious on this one JoAnna-force yourself to relax! :)
MAMA NEEDS SOME PRIVACY AND SELF TIME:
I think I will start with, if Daddy is here/awake, Mommy goes to the bathroom or gets dressed alone. Rayne really struggles with this. Even if she's playing or watching a movie, if I go in the bathroom, she at least has to come check on me or something.
I've been making Jeff let me shower in the morning (instead of at night after kids go to bed) at least a few times a week (I shower everyday, just sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night). I think this should start becoming everyday.
I really want to start having an hour a week that Daddy keeps the kids and I go out alone.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Facing up to some denial
Did you know that the doctor gave me a prescription for post-par tum depression after Rayne was born? The main reason I didn't fill it is because I was breast feeding and although he said it was safe, I just didn't want it in me. But another reason was I didn't want to say it was post par tum. There were so many things going on in my life that I was stressed and sad about, I didn't want people thinking it was my baby or that I couldn't handle it or that she was stressing me. In fact, the only times I was happy was when I was with my baby- playing on the bed, laughing, taking walks; I'd show her things and sing primary songs and hold her all the time. She cried a lot but it didn't bother me. I mean, sometimes I worried, but it didn't stress me. I felt like it was just what I was there for.
After Caius was born I talked to someone quite a bit about post par tum depression and how it feels and what you can do for it and how to get help. In saying this, I think there are worse case scenarios out there and I don't want to say I was THAT bad off or belittle what anyone else goes through by simply saying I'm sad too, but...
I'm sad too.
Yesterday I took Rayne to see a psychiatrist for anxiety. It was just an initial visit, I think they call it a screening. Mostly she asked us questions and observed and wrote a lot of things down. I made the appointment months ago at the referral of our pediatrician. In preparation for the visit I had to fill out a lot of paperwork, all kinds of questions about her and me. It was kind of cool because they put all that information in a computer and quantify it onto a graph. About the only feedback we did get yesterday (we will do part 2 in a couple weeks and that will tell us what needs to come next) is that not only is Rayne's anxiety and emotional stress high, but so is my stress and depression.
She told me I'm depressed and that's...well... depressing.
It means I'm not hiding it well. I'm not holding it together. And in my mind at least, that means I'm not doing a good job. Again I want to scream that it's not my babies but everything around me. And then I have to admit that about the only times I am happy are when I'm with my babies. Probably alone. When I don't have to think about what Jeff's going to eat or if he's going to help, what his mom feels or mine thinks, or what anyone has to say... about much of anything.
There are times when I feel so incredibly happy. I LOVE and adore my kids so much I feel like I'll explode. I love my home and where we live and the views out our windows. We have what we need.
But sometimes... there are things I'm sad about.
So what do I do? Start taking some pills? Start admitting to everything that makes me mad or sad, a lot of which is in the past and not worth bringing up now except that I never dealt with it then? Start making some demands and figuring out what Mama needs?
I'm not sure I'm ready to ask those questions yet. I've let myself feel down and just ponder over this today. I feel my insides working on it and I know I will be okay because I always am. Yesterday just made it real and made me realize that it's having an effect not just on me but on my babies... and that I will not do!
After Caius was born I talked to someone quite a bit about post par tum depression and how it feels and what you can do for it and how to get help. In saying this, I think there are worse case scenarios out there and I don't want to say I was THAT bad off or belittle what anyone else goes through by simply saying I'm sad too, but...
I'm sad too.
Yesterday I took Rayne to see a psychiatrist for anxiety. It was just an initial visit, I think they call it a screening. Mostly she asked us questions and observed and wrote a lot of things down. I made the appointment months ago at the referral of our pediatrician. In preparation for the visit I had to fill out a lot of paperwork, all kinds of questions about her and me. It was kind of cool because they put all that information in a computer and quantify it onto a graph. About the only feedback we did get yesterday (we will do part 2 in a couple weeks and that will tell us what needs to come next) is that not only is Rayne's anxiety and emotional stress high, but so is my stress and depression.
She told me I'm depressed and that's...well... depressing.
It means I'm not hiding it well. I'm not holding it together. And in my mind at least, that means I'm not doing a good job. Again I want to scream that it's not my babies but everything around me. And then I have to admit that about the only times I am happy are when I'm with my babies. Probably alone. When I don't have to think about what Jeff's going to eat or if he's going to help, what his mom feels or mine thinks, or what anyone has to say... about much of anything.
There are times when I feel so incredibly happy. I LOVE and adore my kids so much I feel like I'll explode. I love my home and where we live and the views out our windows. We have what we need.
But sometimes... there are things I'm sad about.
So what do I do? Start taking some pills? Start admitting to everything that makes me mad or sad, a lot of which is in the past and not worth bringing up now except that I never dealt with it then? Start making some demands and figuring out what Mama needs?
I'm not sure I'm ready to ask those questions yet. I've let myself feel down and just ponder over this today. I feel my insides working on it and I know I will be okay because I always am. Yesterday just made it real and made me realize that it's having an effect not just on me but on my babies... and that I will not do!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Holiday Brain Storm
I've been wanting to post about holidays for a while now. For various reasons (different expectations, small children, etc) holidays seem to be difficult around here but are becoming increasingly important to me as the kids get older and we are becoming our own family. Well, we've been in our apartment for a year now and I thought I'd just start a list of what the holidays are or should be. It's just a start and I'm not explaining, defending, or critiquing myself. And yes, I realize a lot of it revolves around food :)
4th of July:
Popcorn and cookies on the couch watching fireworks out our window, hot dogs and potato salad for lunch, black-cherry soda, slushies or ice-cream, parades, bbq, family movie (going out or renting)
24th of July: family stories/history, parade, activity like swimming
My birthday: cake and a few people over, maybe flowers or balloons, a special dinner (maybe I don't have to cook!)
Halloween: chili and corn bread or stew and biscuits, costumes, donuts or cupcakes and cider, trick or treat or ward party if kids are interested, decorations
Thanksgiving: dinner with MY family- I think the Mr has forfeited his right to any claims several times over on this one!, am willing to have it at my house until someone else decides they want it, doesn't mean I want to be in charge, but am happy to give my space and cook what I am capable of, cute appetizers/place settings, want a pretty table cloth
Christmas: Christmas Eve at Jeff's grandma/mom's family, decorations and tree all month, music/movies/stories all month, cookies, gingerbread house, send cards, fun cereal in the morning, breakfast with Kelsey's that day or another?, visit Jeff's dad sometime, stockings include: coloring book and crayons, gold coins, presents: toy from Santa, books are a must, something special/made from Mom
New Year's Eve: NOT a kid holiday, possibly when they are 10 or 12 and want to stay up I will let them, games with the kids, journal writing, scrapbooks, resolutions, dancing in the kitchen
Valentine's day: exchange cards with Jeff, something cute (cards, candies) for the kids, get the kids to make something/send Valentine's, decorate
Wedding anniversary: dinner out, flowers
Easter: decorating eggs, Spring flowers etc around the house, candies, special small present and Easter baskets with treats, blowing bubbles, new dress/church clothes
Caius' and Rayne's birthday: home made cake, toy and a new outfit, favorite dinner, perhaps family over or an activity, don't believe in friend parties until they are a bit older.
Mother's day and Father's day: kids make something special, a favorite breakfast or dinner
Jeff's birthday: cheesecake or crumb cake, favorite dinner
St Patrick's day: would like to do something fun with green and shamrocks, not a big deal
Memorial day
Labor day
4th of July:
Popcorn and cookies on the couch watching fireworks out our window, hot dogs and potato salad for lunch, black-cherry soda, slushies or ice-cream, parades, bbq, family movie (going out or renting)
24th of July: family stories/history, parade, activity like swimming
My birthday: cake and a few people over, maybe flowers or balloons, a special dinner (maybe I don't have to cook!)
Halloween: chili and corn bread or stew and biscuits, costumes, donuts or cupcakes and cider, trick or treat or ward party if kids are interested, decorations
Thanksgiving: dinner with MY family- I think the Mr has forfeited his right to any claims several times over on this one!, am willing to have it at my house until someone else decides they want it, doesn't mean I want to be in charge, but am happy to give my space and cook what I am capable of, cute appetizers/place settings, want a pretty table cloth
Christmas: Christmas Eve at Jeff's grandma/mom's family, decorations and tree all month, music/movies/stories all month, cookies, gingerbread house, send cards, fun cereal in the morning, breakfast with Kelsey's that day or another?, visit Jeff's dad sometime, stockings include: coloring book and crayons, gold coins, presents: toy from Santa, books are a must, something special/made from Mom
New Year's Eve: NOT a kid holiday, possibly when they are 10 or 12 and want to stay up I will let them, games with the kids, journal writing, scrapbooks, resolutions, dancing in the kitchen
Valentine's day: exchange cards with Jeff, something cute (cards, candies) for the kids, get the kids to make something/send Valentine's, decorate
Wedding anniversary: dinner out, flowers
Easter: decorating eggs, Spring flowers etc around the house, candies, special small present and Easter baskets with treats, blowing bubbles, new dress/church clothes
Caius' and Rayne's birthday: home made cake, toy and a new outfit, favorite dinner, perhaps family over or an activity, don't believe in friend parties until they are a bit older.
Mother's day and Father's day: kids make something special, a favorite breakfast or dinner
Jeff's birthday: cheesecake or crumb cake, favorite dinner
St Patrick's day: would like to do something fun with green and shamrocks, not a big deal
Memorial day
Labor day
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