Oh How I Love the Rayne!

"Everybody's got their thing

Something diff'rent we all bring
Don't you let 'em clip your wings..."

from Disney Channel's A.N.T. Farm theme song

There was a movie on at Jeff's dad's house the other day and even though it was a kid's movie I was concerned how Rayne would react to what was going on. It was a sad part and she was suddenly paying a lot of attention and watching closely. I had a sudden memory of seeing the movie Savannah Smiles when I was quite young- five maybe? I remember, not just because I've been told the story, bursting into tears at the end and I remember how I felt- an incredible deep sadness at what had taken place.
Just after I graduated from college, my dad took the family on a trip to New York City! and we saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway! My baby sister would have been 13? or so and when it ended, she burst into tears. She cried the whole cab ride back to the hotel and then some. I remember at some point thinking she should be over it by now or should calm down or have it under control or something.
It makes me sad to have thought that. Not just because it was a bit insensitive to her but because of what it said about me. Sure as a grown up you have to learn to control your emotions a bit and have some self control, but what happened to the little girl who embraced so whole heartedly someone else's emotions to the point of crying for them? Could I not understand why my sister was crying that way? That she too is sensitive and intuitive and passionate?
Rayne was fine with the movie at Jeff's dad's, but this is not always the case. The other day at my mom's she dropped some My Little Pony toys in the bathroom sink and screamed out, scaring her poor grandma half to death. Grandma thought for sure she had hurt herself somehow but it's just Rayne's emotions. She has lost a thing or two down the drain at home so it's possible she thought the ponies were gone for good. It's possible, given other reactions to other things, that she thought the ponies were hurt. Perhaps she was just so sad and frustrated at losing them, even for a second, that all she could do was scream.
I know that these types of moments happen a lot for Rayne. I, of all people- believe me!- know that these reactions are sometimes hard to take or deal with or help her through. I find myself often thinking that she should be fine by now or have it under control or not be hurting when she keeps crying and crying with such "flare."
But that's my baby. I think she has truly been like that since the second night at the hospital after she was born. At her last well child check up, almost in passing, the doctor asked if she had always been or was normally an anxious baby. I hesitated in answering because I had never put that label- anxiety- on her but it suddenly was so clear that's exactly what her "problem" is. The doctor clarified by asking if she doesn't handle change, even small changes, well or if things are out of the ordinary. FINALLY, I felt like I understood her reactions. My sweet little girl I've tried so hard to take care of and almost every night just prayed that she can have some peace and calm.
Anxiety is definitely something I can relate to and I could now see how all her little reactions (I should probably say big reactions) are just that. It's not always a mental or emotional thing, sometimes it's just nerves going hay wire and you feel like you can't control or handle the situation. You feel hot and out of control or nervous and scared. My poor baby. I suppose it's just the down side of feeling passion and intuition and sensitivity to other people. It's like it all gets backed up and there's too much static electricity floating through your body and at any moment you're going to get shocked!
I was talking to some very dear people the other day about how I feel like people make me feel like Rayne is so unlike any other two year old that's ever been. People have rolled their eyes at her behavior. They've called her a drama queen or said she's simply throwing a fit. They've said she's okay now but it will be a problem when she's older. They've said, as if complimenting me which I know is their intention- an offer of sympathy- that they don't know how I do it (ie. put up with her). I've even had more than one person say about Caius "I'm glad you got a good baby..." because Rayne wasn't or was difficult.
I told the people I was talking to that I honestly didn't know if people said things to make me feel that way or if I was just too sensitive. But now that I've thought about it, I'm pretty sure people have said things. Not that that was their intention, a lot of these people love and adore Rayne and are just trying to help me or be supportive, but it hurts. I am very defensive of that little girl.
We were at a family picnic and I was impressed at how well Rayne interacted with everyone. She isn't around new people often and will react hesitant or clingy to mommy. But she shared her pretend cakes and had a blast passing out M&Ms to everyone. There was a little girl who hung around us who was a bit older and a bit disabled and Rayne had so much fun playing with her and sharing with her. She is an amazingly smart and very sweet little girl. I wouldn't want her to be anything but what she is.
Sometimes I feel like people think I should put a stop to her behavior or be more strict with her. I feel like they think I am weak and need help "disciplining" her. But when I get a chance to consider things and be a bit introspective, I know I'm doing things the way they should be done. No one is going to understand that girl the way I do. We are so connected I feel like I've known her most my life. She's been with me all this time, not just when she was born. I tell her all the time I love her more than anything because I truly do.
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone clip her wings. That's MY girl and she has the ability to fly!

A Rambling Attempt to Ask for Advice

I am sad today that I don't think my kids are getting the love and nurturing and patience I want to give them and feel they deserve. I know that a lot of times the way I am acting is a reaction to something not even the thing I'm responding to. Like if I'm mad at Jeff, Rayne receives the brunt of it because it comes out when I'm frustrated and trying to deal with her tantrums. It's not fair, it's not right and I'm feeling more and more unable to help it. I try to think about what really is bothering me so that I'm not just an angry or bitter or frustrated or heartbroken person and letting that all come out on my precious babies without realizing it. And, as I try to see the big picture, I try SO hard to think of how I'm going to fix those bigger things so that life can be perfect and ideal or at least better and normal. I know you can't blame everything else and you have to take responsibility and I really do try to make the most of my situations but sometimes it is so frustrating because I really believe I would do better if things were better.
A friend I've known for a very long time recently told me about some problems her brother has had because of bullying (to say problems and bullying makes it sound so simple but it's not my place to tell the story. Let me just note that it's some BIG stuff the guy has had to deal with). I know that people would say that the guy should have done this or could have stopped there etc, but knowing my friend and her family, I'm well convinced that the poor guy was doing the very best he could to deal with what was going on. We so much want to believe in choice and that people are never victimized that we forget to look at their insides and understand that there is a reason they do what they do and perhaps it really IS the best they can.
I remember my 9th grade English teacher telling us that as we read Romeo and Juliet we might wonder why they went to such extremes. Why didn't she just run away or tell her dad no? But, he explained, there were things within the culture and the times that made it impossible. She really did have no choice.
So what does that have to do with me? I really sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself to make such comparisons and no, things aren't that bad or that extreme. But, I do feel like I'm reaching the end of some rope. I am exhausted. Some things happened about a week ago to really shake up my little world and I feel like I'm freaking out. The thing is, to some of the people that have the most ability to help me or be with me etc, it's not a big deal or perhaps they don't understand why I react the way I do. And I can talk all day long and feel like they still don't get it.
But that's my problem. I CAN'T talk all day long. Words fail me. I don't know how to say what I need let alone do anything about it. And even then, there's really nothing I CAN do about it. I feel stuck.
So rather vague explanation of what's in my head, in part because I'm too tired to try to explain it all, but also because I tend to forget that blogs are public, cry out to those of you I love and trust the most, and then feel dumb for putting so much junk out there for anyone to see.
And I'm back to my beautiful, precious babies that I love and adore more than life itself. I want to be better. I like to think I'm doing okay as a mom, but there are things I wish were different. I want to give them the best of me, all of me. I want to give them the world. How do I do that!?

Loves of my Life!

Rayne usually runs and tells me no when I want to take a picture of her. I'm not sure where she got this from but getting a picture of her with Caius has been hard to do. Especially since I usually have to hold at least one of them and work the camera! But today she let me take some pictures of them sitting on the couch together. Ahhh, my pretty babies!
She was actually trying to "help" him after I told them to "look at mommy." The look on his face is priceless!

Happy 4th

Holidays have become more and more important to me. I'm not sure why, I just know that they are something I really want to "do well" as a mom. The 4th of July is one of my favorites. I think it's important to eat hot dogs and drink Black Cherry soda and visit grandparents and see some sort of fireworks. I guess I'm working on the whole starting a tradition thing.
We didn't eat hot dogs, we ate deli sandwiches. But we did have potato salad and sit outside for a picnic. I think the best part of my day was playing outside with Rayne and Caius in Rayne's new little swimming pool.
Even Caius liked getting his feet wet, until Rayne pored water on him and he screamed. I scolded her for it, but I don't think she cared. She continued to make attempts through out the rest of our time outside.
Jeff found on the internet that Tooele high school was doing some kind of concert and fireworks. I figured we could get close enough to hear some music and see some fireworks without getting right in the crowd or scaring the kids. But, when we got there, there was nothing going on. Turns out it was done on Saturday, not Monday. So, not sure what else to do, I went in to Walmart and bought a few little fountains for us to set off in the driveway. I thought that Rayne is young enough just a few will be exciting and the more the night went on, the more it was obvious that I was the only one to really care.
I think Rayne liked what we did and I felt accomplished that at least we did something (I'm being positive so I won't explain that this really was an accomplishment).

Sometimes I wish someone would follow me around with a camera...

Yesterday, Rayne asked if she could "rock him lullaby" as I was holding Caius. I put her on my lap and held him on hers. She held on to him and talked to him and I sang silly songs. I really could only see the tops and sides of their heads, but it was the cutest thing ever! It might just be my happiest moment as a mom yet.