If you haven't heard, we're pregnant. 15 weeks now. I am huge. Seriously bulging already. I am sick. Not as sick as I was with Rayne, but it's been very hard. It's different this time. The first time, I wanted to tell everyone personally, I counted every week, every trip to the doctor was fun and exciting. This time, I suppose I'm too busy with the first to think much more than about just not throwing up. It's kind of sad and yet, I have these moments where I glimpse the future and I'm so excited and so happy that it really feels good.
Jeff started a new job this week. He's excited and so far liking it. It is stuff he wants to be doing. I'm so glad for him. It's been really hard on me and Rayne having him gone all day and getting up so early with him, but I also feel good. I'm starting to feel hope again. His step dad, who we live with and helps us a lot, made us promise that we'll focus on getting an apartment. An apartment of our own again!!! The thought makes me cry. It's been so long.
It really has been a long hard stretch, these last two years. Sometimes I'm surprised we've survived it as well as we have. But sometimes I just think that it's been necessary and now we will somehow be better off. Quitting my job and being home with my baby was the best step I could have taken. Jeff now feels it's important for me to be home with the kids! I'm SO glad he's been able to see and experience that. Our finances are improving. Thank goodness for that! And hopefully we learned something from that as well and will do better in the future. Hopefully :)
And now I'm a mom. It's the greatest thing ever. I still have at least a moment everyday when I look at my daughter (MY DAUGHTER!) and feel like I will explode I love her so much. I went to the doctor today for the new baby. I have a great doctor. He's done ultrasounds both times I've been there. Today just because he couldn't get the angle for the heartbeat. When I see the picture of a real baby growing inside of me, I get this feeling of peace and joy and fulfillment. I feel very excited today about my little family. (P.S. and then I looked at Benny's blog and saw his pictures and that makes me VERY happy too.)
Friday, November 5, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Girlie girl
I think it's been made clear that I am kind of sexist and old fashioned when it comes to gender roles. I really do believe that there are just certain things that women are made for and certain things men are made for. On the other hand, I definitely believe in things like educating women and that men can be sensitive and sweet.
For some reason, probably the person who is usually the one who says this, it really bothers me when people comment about Rayne "she's such a girl" because she just happened to pick the pink toy instead of the blue one at the moment. Rayne loves to wear these shiny bead necklaces that her grandma has, she kisses her stuffed animals, she likes barrettes in her hair. I suppose these things all make her "girlie," but she also loves her cousin's "boy toys-" little guys that talk and cars that roll and stacking blocks. Does this make her a tom boy? Of course not. It makes her a kid, a human. Probably if she was a boy, she'd love the shiny beads and kissing her stuffed animals too. It's what they do. They are learning to love, to express things, to put beads over their heads and they like bright shiny colors.
Perhaps it bothers me because it's like saying girls are only into make-up, looking pretty and pink. Okay, those things are fun as a girl. But I just don't believe they are completely innate. What I would like to nurture about her being "such a girl," is femininity and education and creativity and... if she happens to like make up and pink when she's older, fine. If not, she's not any less of a girl.
For some reason, probably the person who is usually the one who says this, it really bothers me when people comment about Rayne "she's such a girl" because she just happened to pick the pink toy instead of the blue one at the moment. Rayne loves to wear these shiny bead necklaces that her grandma has, she kisses her stuffed animals, she likes barrettes in her hair. I suppose these things all make her "girlie," but she also loves her cousin's "boy toys-" little guys that talk and cars that roll and stacking blocks. Does this make her a tom boy? Of course not. It makes her a kid, a human. Probably if she was a boy, she'd love the shiny beads and kissing her stuffed animals too. It's what they do. They are learning to love, to express things, to put beads over their heads and they like bright shiny colors.
Perhaps it bothers me because it's like saying girls are only into make-up, looking pretty and pink. Okay, those things are fun as a girl. But I just don't believe they are completely innate. What I would like to nurture about her being "such a girl," is femininity and education and creativity and... if she happens to like make up and pink when she's older, fine. If not, she's not any less of a girl.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
To Mom and Dad
I feel like I've been whiny lately (ie. the past year or so) so I wanted to say sorry. I really enjoyed being at your new apartment last night. It felt good and it felt right. I really hope that you can make the most of it and have it the way you want it. It looks great! You both really deserve to be happy and have things the way you want them.
I LOVED seeing Dad play with Rayne. It really makes me happy.
I LOVED seeing Dad play with Rayne. It really makes me happy.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Hope and Homelessness
My parents are moving. The house from which they are moving was my grandparents' house. My parents bought it when I was in college and living at home so I moved there too. It's an old house that needs a lot of work... I like to say it has a lot of potential. For example, it has a big old fashioned tub with no shower. Or, there is the huge, energy sucking, probably lined with asbestos furnace in the basement. But, it's in a great neighborhood that I loved taking walks in. And, I spent my college days there, probably the best times of my life :) Not to mention the childhood memories of my grandparents.
I am happy for my parents. They have been talking about their options for a while now and I kept hoping that they would do something. They aren't much for doing their own home repairs and with my dad looking at retirement, it's not like there's a lot of money to pay someone to do the work. Houses in this neighborhood are old and it seems like people like to buy them to gut them out and re-do them. I think my parents will be happy if they can truly sort through all their things and down size. I think letting go of stuff is hard but in a way it's freeing. I think they will be really happy with a bright, sunny apartment where if anything goes wrong they can just call maintenance. And, I'm really glad they are taking my little sister and nephew with them.
It's been fun seeing the new apartment and talking to them about how they will set it up. I can't wait to go visit them... and their swimming pool :)
It's strange when something you believed to be such a constant, changes. But, with that change comes hope for me that life is always changing. It's hard to imagine this change, even as I see it happening. It's hard to really imagine visiting them not at the house, but somewhere else. It's hard to imagine a lot of things in my life right now though and so to see something this unexpected come to pass, reminds me that I am kind of caught in a moment... but it too will most likely pass and change. That's what life does. And in that way, it's hopeful.
On the other hand... I probably shouldn't say what I'm about to, but I need to. I need to say it for me. I need to say it to let it go... somewhere...
I've also been very sad about them moving. Sure there are the memories and the letting go and the fact that change is just hard. But, selfishly, it scares me. Given my current life circumstances, my parents not having a house, my home, has made me feel quite completely homeless.
(This picture has nothing to do with them moving. It's a picture of where I live now and for some reason, I just thought it fit. Maybe next time I'm at my parents' house, I'll take a picture to have for here.)
I am happy for my parents. They have been talking about their options for a while now and I kept hoping that they would do something. They aren't much for doing their own home repairs and with my dad looking at retirement, it's not like there's a lot of money to pay someone to do the work. Houses in this neighborhood are old and it seems like people like to buy them to gut them out and re-do them. I think my parents will be happy if they can truly sort through all their things and down size. I think letting go of stuff is hard but in a way it's freeing. I think they will be really happy with a bright, sunny apartment where if anything goes wrong they can just call maintenance. And, I'm really glad they are taking my little sister and nephew with them.
It's been fun seeing the new apartment and talking to them about how they will set it up. I can't wait to go visit them... and their swimming pool :)
It's strange when something you believed to be such a constant, changes. But, with that change comes hope for me that life is always changing. It's hard to imagine this change, even as I see it happening. It's hard to really imagine visiting them not at the house, but somewhere else. It's hard to imagine a lot of things in my life right now though and so to see something this unexpected come to pass, reminds me that I am kind of caught in a moment... but it too will most likely pass and change. That's what life does. And in that way, it's hopeful.
On the other hand... I probably shouldn't say what I'm about to, but I need to. I need to say it for me. I need to say it to let it go... somewhere...
I've also been very sad about them moving. Sure there are the memories and the letting go and the fact that change is just hard. But, selfishly, it scares me. Given my current life circumstances, my parents not having a house, my home, has made me feel quite completely homeless.
(This picture has nothing to do with them moving. It's a picture of where I live now and for some reason, I just thought it fit. Maybe next time I'm at my parents' house, I'll take a picture to have for here.)
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