I've been spending a lot of time on Pinterest lately. In part, it's because I need new clothes and don't have money right now, so I'm pretend shopping. I suppose it's also because I'm trying to define myself, redefine. Who am I and how do I show that?
Today I had the thought that I can be whatever I want to be right now. I've never been this age. I've never been a mother. I've never been a wife or a stay at home mom. Even my body has never been this size and shape. I feel like the same person I was when I was 10 or 12, 15, 20, 30... But in a lot of ways, I'm very different.
There have been times in my life when it's almost like I've looked at my past, recent or distant, trying to bring that person into where I was currently. Clothes, hair, hobbies, goals, I'd try to find my current version of what I'd once had. Trying to bring an idealized past version of me into who and what I was currently doing. Or perhaps trying to create a continuation from one step in life to the next. But that has changed.
On the one hand, there is no way to connect my past life with where I am now. It's SO different and this is all so new. But at the same time, I am such a culmination of everything I've ever been, anything I've ever done that I don't have to try to bring that with me, it's just there as it's own piece of my puzzle.
I keep looking at Pinterest, not just at clothes and hair, but food and crafts and places and quotes, trying to figure out who I am right now. I really don't know. And yet, for once, it almost feels okay to not know, not define, because I do know I'm here, I know that I am. And all that stuff is just trying to paint a picture of what I hold on the inside.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Superficially speaking; Clothes
A week or two ago, I wore a new outfit when I went to my mom's house. It wasn't really new, just a refashioning of old stuff, including an old t-shirt of Jeff's. I felt amazingly comfortable in it. Not just physically, it was comfortable to wear, but it felt like me. I would describe the style as "boho" or gypsy and it was shades of gray. My mom and sister complimented me. Not like I was asking about the outfit, but of their own accord, that not only did they like the clothes, but the style was flattering to me.
Being me, if I find something that works, I like to make a rule out of it. We like tacos? Great! Taco Tuesday it is! The kids are more willing to brush their teeth and get dressed if we are going outside? Great! It's part of our routine- get ready to go outside! And so, being so comfortable and complimented, I drove home thinking "this is my new style!" I immediately started planning how I would achieve this. What items did I need to buy or make or pull out of my closet to put outfits together? What rules could I follow to bring this style into being?
Okay, so rules and using what works is quite practical. I have to admit I enjoy being practical. I don't like to have a lot of shoes or lipstick colors to choose from. I like what works. Routines help us stay focused and grounded and calm. They help get things done. This is all great. I like to think I'm a productive person and this is all part of that.
But...
One day I was thinking of wearing the aforementioned outfit, or putting something similar together and guess what? I didn't feel like wearing that style. Perhaps I was going to clean the toilet and couldn't have flowy things falling in. Or maybe I was going to the grocery store and wanted something more ... whatever. Then we are always going to the playground and I didn't want to snag the scarf. And it dawned on me.
Maybe I don't need multiple outfits of the same thing. Perhaps I can just enjoy that one perfect outfit on the days that's what I want to wear. And then I have a mom day outfit or one for days I'm going visiting teaching or what I wear when we meet friends at the park. I could even have an outfit for staying home and scrubbing toilets and tubs and mopping the floor. Maybe it's even okay if I wear the same one or two outfits to church each week!
It kind of makes me feel scattered to have different styles on different days. Like I'm not really being honest to who I am if one day it's gypsy and the next more preppy. It probably sounds silly but this is an important thing to learn about myself. I've accepted that I like only one lipstick and two pairs of shoes (okay, I have three- sneakers and two for church- and I'm really wanting some flip flops for summer!). Now maybe I need to accept that I have different roles on different days and that it's okay if I also have different moods. Dress up one day, extremely down the next. It's okay!!
Being me, if I find something that works, I like to make a rule out of it. We like tacos? Great! Taco Tuesday it is! The kids are more willing to brush their teeth and get dressed if we are going outside? Great! It's part of our routine- get ready to go outside! And so, being so comfortable and complimented, I drove home thinking "this is my new style!" I immediately started planning how I would achieve this. What items did I need to buy or make or pull out of my closet to put outfits together? What rules could I follow to bring this style into being?
Okay, so rules and using what works is quite practical. I have to admit I enjoy being practical. I don't like to have a lot of shoes or lipstick colors to choose from. I like what works. Routines help us stay focused and grounded and calm. They help get things done. This is all great. I like to think I'm a productive person and this is all part of that.
But...
One day I was thinking of wearing the aforementioned outfit, or putting something similar together and guess what? I didn't feel like wearing that style. Perhaps I was going to clean the toilet and couldn't have flowy things falling in. Or maybe I was going to the grocery store and wanted something more ... whatever. Then we are always going to the playground and I didn't want to snag the scarf. And it dawned on me.
Maybe I don't need multiple outfits of the same thing. Perhaps I can just enjoy that one perfect outfit on the days that's what I want to wear. And then I have a mom day outfit or one for days I'm going visiting teaching or what I wear when we meet friends at the park. I could even have an outfit for staying home and scrubbing toilets and tubs and mopping the floor. Maybe it's even okay if I wear the same one or two outfits to church each week!
It kind of makes me feel scattered to have different styles on different days. Like I'm not really being honest to who I am if one day it's gypsy and the next more preppy. It probably sounds silly but this is an important thing to learn about myself. I've accepted that I like only one lipstick and two pairs of shoes (okay, I have three- sneakers and two for church- and I'm really wanting some flip flops for summer!). Now maybe I need to accept that I have different roles on different days and that it's okay if I also have different moods. Dress up one day, extremely down the next. It's okay!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)