Before he left for work yesterday, Jeff played some music on Youtube and asked us all our favorite songs. Rayne remembered one she'd heard when we babysat other kids last summer. Jeff found it and it's the perfect theme song for Rayne, "Eye of the Tiger" by Katy Perry.
When he came home, he picked up where he left off. He asked me my favorite song and as typically me, I really didn't know. But I had a few that I really like. "November Rain" by Guns 'n' Roses, a heart wrenching, makes you feel SO much song. And then we put on "Moondance" by Van Morrison.
Oh. My. Goodness.
This song resonates with my soul. That is no exaggeration. There is an underlying base line that centers me and makes my heart beat in rhythm. Then the piano that adds this texture and life to it. And the vocals. Not perfection musically, but soulfully drawing out emotion and experience.
Sadly, I really don't know my favorites, even more so lately than usual. My CD collection and iPod have some great stuff I really like and is fun to have on when I'm driving or cleaning the house etc. And there are a few things I LOVE. But sadly I don't even listen to the likable stuff much.
And that soul wrenching, listen with your eyes closed because your soul might escape and you become totally taken over by it music? I have very little. I don't even own "Moondance."
Perhaps in our day to day life, these kind of experiences aren't practical or even wanted. Perhaps they should be saved for moments when we can take our time and fully be in them. But shouldn't I, couldn't I, have more of them? Don't I tend to accept the practical too often?
My typical morning begins when Caius gets me up and we come out and he immediately turns on Lego Batman on the XBox. I sit on the couch drinking water and checking Facebook, email etc on my phone, just in case the world ended last night, as I try to wake up. By the time Rayne comes out, I'm usually looking at Pinterest, I suppose trying to find inspiration to start my day.
Today maybe I'm in a mood. As I looked over Pinterest and thought "that's pretty" or "I like that" I actually became a bit irritated or even angry. There is SO much out there! And as I confessed, I've been looking at this everyday as part of my morning wake up ritual. But there is SO LITTLE that I actually LOVE. So little that really resonates with me and makes me feel ALIVE!
Isn't it possible that food and home and clothes and music COULD exist to make me feel completely alive!? At least for some small part of my day?? Or maybe more? Maybe more of my day, my existence could be spent feeling completely in touch with myself, my surroundings, my living!
Perhaps it would be too much. One small bite of an eclair is decadence. To completely indulge would make it not as rich and wonderful. But...
But...
I want more in my life.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Friday, January 23, 2015
Note to Self
I think I found my mom look today! I'm very excited.
I put on an outfit that just didn't quite feel right. I put on make-up and some simple but pretty earrings and a necklace. My hair is kind of a mess and I just pushed it back with a headband. I just wasn't comfortable in the clothes, more for the fit than the style, and finally decided to change. I was wearing a shirt over a t-shirt and took that off first. Then I changed into some sweat pants that are velvety and very similar in color to the t-shirt. The t-shirt is a bit snug, but very comfortable. I like the way it fits in my shoulders and it has a flattering neckline. And there I was!
My make-up is simple but done and my eyes look really pretty. My messy hair, I like the natural look (it could be better but it's growing) and I quite like this headband and my hair off my face, both for looks and comfort. The clothes are so casual and some people think sweats are a fashion no-no no matter what. But, I think the soft velvety almost a bit of a shimmer makes them look a bit classy casual. And the make-up and jewelry, also simple, really add A LOT!
I suppose if I wanted to dress it up, I could add a scarf, dressier jewelry, change to a skirt or add a sweater or overshirt.
Ha! This is so me! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!
I put on an outfit that just didn't quite feel right. I put on make-up and some simple but pretty earrings and a necklace. My hair is kind of a mess and I just pushed it back with a headband. I just wasn't comfortable in the clothes, more for the fit than the style, and finally decided to change. I was wearing a shirt over a t-shirt and took that off first. Then I changed into some sweat pants that are velvety and very similar in color to the t-shirt. The t-shirt is a bit snug, but very comfortable. I like the way it fits in my shoulders and it has a flattering neckline. And there I was!
My make-up is simple but done and my eyes look really pretty. My messy hair, I like the natural look (it could be better but it's growing) and I quite like this headband and my hair off my face, both for looks and comfort. The clothes are so casual and some people think sweats are a fashion no-no no matter what. But, I think the soft velvety almost a bit of a shimmer makes them look a bit classy casual. And the make-up and jewelry, also simple, really add A LOT!
I suppose if I wanted to dress it up, I could add a scarf, dressier jewelry, change to a skirt or add a sweater or overshirt.
Ha! This is so me! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Disordered Eating
The other night, Jeff asked what my favorite food is. I honestly didn't know. And it dawned on me "that's why I've put on so much weight!"
In the last year and a half, I have tried to give up sugar and milk products. I've also tried to take a stand against processed foods. This means I no longer eat cheese and ice-cream (used to top my list of favorite foods) or even much enjoy a bowl of cereal (another favorite). You would think that giving these things up would help me to lose weight, but instead, I keep putting it on.
The thing is, I didn't give them up in an attempt to lose weight. I gave them up because my body seems unable to process them. So, every time I have a bit of cheese on my taco or a piece of candy or feed my boys and sometimes myself some thing out of a box or can, I really scold myself because of what I'm afraid it's doing to my body. I tell myself how it makes me sick and I can't handle it. And sure enough, my sugar levels go up or my stomach hurts as if I'm lactose intolerant.
Okay, so my body is trying to tell me something. The doctor says I'm not diabetic but my sugar levels easily go up and down out of normal range. I used to get really bad stomach aches every time I ate and I've discovered that giving up milk products has done a world of good to prevent that. But...
The next night I made some banana bread. Jeff and I ate the whole loaf that night. I LOVE bread. I like bananas. Two things that I need to be careful eating and make sure I balance with protein because of the sugar. But I just relaxed and enjoyed the bread. No stomach ache. No soaring blood sugar levels.
Shyly I admit to my main New Year's affirmation. "I am enjoying a re-connection with my physical body." I feel that these realizations may be quite insightful as I reconnect with my physical self.
I received an email a day or two ago from a blog(?) I've subscribed to. She has some great thoughts. This message was about not being so mean to yourself. As I read, I came to a part that said "all is forgiven." It was a very cool experience as I read those words. I felt them wash over my body. I forgive myself!
Rather than a list of wrongs I forgive myself for, I simply felt peace. An acceptance of myself. No criticism, just love. All is forgiven.
I am in this moment. I accept my body. I LOVE my body. Perhaps more than nourishing myself with food, I need to nourish myself with thoughts. I keep reminding myself to relax. To quit holding physically everything so tightly- the stress, worries, trying to be in control and do it all right- I can let go of that in a physical way. And I NEED to enjoy my food.
In the last year and a half, I have tried to give up sugar and milk products. I've also tried to take a stand against processed foods. This means I no longer eat cheese and ice-cream (used to top my list of favorite foods) or even much enjoy a bowl of cereal (another favorite). You would think that giving these things up would help me to lose weight, but instead, I keep putting it on.
The thing is, I didn't give them up in an attempt to lose weight. I gave them up because my body seems unable to process them. So, every time I have a bit of cheese on my taco or a piece of candy or feed my boys and sometimes myself some thing out of a box or can, I really scold myself because of what I'm afraid it's doing to my body. I tell myself how it makes me sick and I can't handle it. And sure enough, my sugar levels go up or my stomach hurts as if I'm lactose intolerant.
Okay, so my body is trying to tell me something. The doctor says I'm not diabetic but my sugar levels easily go up and down out of normal range. I used to get really bad stomach aches every time I ate and I've discovered that giving up milk products has done a world of good to prevent that. But...
The next night I made some banana bread. Jeff and I ate the whole loaf that night. I LOVE bread. I like bananas. Two things that I need to be careful eating and make sure I balance with protein because of the sugar. But I just relaxed and enjoyed the bread. No stomach ache. No soaring blood sugar levels.
Shyly I admit to my main New Year's affirmation. "I am enjoying a re-connection with my physical body." I feel that these realizations may be quite insightful as I reconnect with my physical self.
I received an email a day or two ago from a blog(?) I've subscribed to. She has some great thoughts. This message was about not being so mean to yourself. As I read, I came to a part that said "all is forgiven." It was a very cool experience as I read those words. I felt them wash over my body. I forgive myself!
Rather than a list of wrongs I forgive myself for, I simply felt peace. An acceptance of myself. No criticism, just love. All is forgiven.
I am in this moment. I accept my body. I LOVE my body. Perhaps more than nourishing myself with food, I need to nourish myself with thoughts. I keep reminding myself to relax. To quit holding physically everything so tightly- the stress, worries, trying to be in control and do it all right- I can let go of that in a physical way. And I NEED to enjoy my food.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Not for vanity, but for humanity :)
I really need new pants. Sigh.
Last week I cleaned up my closet a bit and realized I really do have some pretty things. I put together some things to kind of take inventory and felt good about the clothes in my closet.
Except for the lack of pants.
A day or two later, as I got dressed, I enjoyed picking out something pretty... until I didn't have pants to go with it. I wanted to cry and scream. Yes over pants. I think it's been two years now since I started "dressing my truth" and I still haven't had a real haircut and I still can't quite get it together.
So I cried via messenger to my sister who is much more a fashionista than I am. She wasn't online but as I talked to her anyway, I came to some conclusions. And, to my happiness, I didn't think I would never get it, I just thought that somehow it will come. It's kind of my goal or intention for the year- to acquire a wardrobe I feel good in. Call it vanity if you think so but I deserve that right?
So I began this week determined to dress up and feel good about myself. I have to admit to looking quite beautiful yesterday. My hair worked with very little effort and I put on make up. I just wore sweats to be home but they were matching and cute. I felt great especially when I did end up going out to the bank and the store. And by the time I cleaned the bathroom, I was glad to be wearing sweats.
Today I'm not having such luck. My hair is looking good and I put on make up. I quite like the top I'm wearing but it's again with the pants. I'm trying really hard not to say that I'm just too fat but that might be the problem. But even if it is, I am what I am and I need pants that fit!
And the problem is, I have another bathroom to clean today and wearing what I'm wearing is not going to work. So I'm back to needing a mom wardrobe. I have beautiful things that I can't wear because I have no pants that fit decently AND I have to wash dishes and clean bathrooms.
How many times have I so happily and grateful received some money and tried to buy a whole wardrobe at Wal-mart for $50? Around Christmas time I decided I liked the cute sweats thing and that would be my stay home look. I still like that idea except even when it's freezing outside I'm too danged hot inside! But perhaps something like that???
In my rant to my sister I decided I used to love the look of jeans and how it felt to put on a good pair. Since having kids, I really don't like jeans. They are tight and stiff and too danged hot. But perhaps I just need to get a good pair, not from the clearance rack at Wal-mart that will just shrink, break the zipper and/or wear thin really fast, and get used to wearing them again.
Well anyway. The title of this post is a quote from "All Dogs Go to Heaven." I think it's hilarious and fitting. I feel vain and silly trying so hard to look and feel good. But I have decided that my new year resolution is to try. To not think I'm vain and silly but a woman who wants to feel good about myself. That's not so bad. I don't believe I'm proud in my efforts. I actually think it would be good for my children to take a bit of care for myself.
Setting my intention for a workable wardrobe...
P.S. I'm not against shopping at Wal-mart. I love it actually. I just know I've bought more than a few low quality items and perhaps I need to buy better for myself.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Accepting Ramen for Breakfast
Reading back through blogs, I realize I have been trying to figure out and take control of our food for a long time. This is not without merit. I think I have taken steps to improve our diet. And besides, I keep us fed on a budget and that's saying something!
In my most recent attempts to get things planned out and improved, Hubby said to me "how often do you make things that no one wants to eat?"
This was not empathizing with my frustration. This was a statement of why don't I just quit trying to make anything special or healthy because it just wastes food.
Then my sisters and mom, yes my mom!, got me watching Desperate Housewives. I've only watched one episode but one character is trying so hard to be perfect she is coming across as a Stepford Wife. Her family is miserable and the teenage son asks if every meal has to be so special and why can't they just eat something normal. His friend's mom gets home from work, opens a can of pork and beans and they have food in three minutes.
I of course sympathize with the mom. "Little brat! Appreciate what I'm giving you!"
But okay, I get it. She's trying so hard and the family is miserable. My guess is, she's not so happy herself. Hmm. Is there a lesson here for me?
So as I attempted to write out menus and grocery lists, I invited the input of my family.
Jeff gave the answers I expected. Hamburger Helper, pizza, chili dogs...
Rayne in all her sweet take charge-ness said she wants curly noodles (Ramen) for breakfast, spaghetti for lunch, blueberry waffles for dinner, and Rice Krispies as a bed time snack.
I've been wanting so long to get away from processed food and learn how to cook. But, in this conversation, I gave up. I gave in. Rayne shall have the menu she planned. (I did talk about fruit and vegetables she likes so we'll add those too).
And that's where I'm at. Hamburger Helper once a week. I used to not think it such a bad meal. Add some veggies and cut out sugar and treats. I guess we will survive. As I've noted before, I'd be happy if Rayne would eat this, she might just get some protein and iron from the beef. And so it goes.
I may even feel okay about it. Truth is, I kinda like Hamburger Helper. It tastes good and is satisfying. And while I've read enough to think that canned fruit isn't healthy, I ate some for breakfast and I feel better than not eating fruit. So I'm just going to be thankful for what we have and pray over it and, perhaps (deep sigh), keep trying to take my little steps...
Dinner menu:
M- Hamburger Helper, veggies, fruit
T- tacos or taco soup (I make my own taco seasoning now, isn't that a cool thing!)
W-spaghetti w/meat sauce or other pasta (I have also made my own spaghetti sauce. May be worth the effort. And we eat whole wheat spaghetti so it's not so bad), salad, garlic bread
Th-chili dogs and potatoes (baked, sweet, salade nicoise, for me!)
F-salmon, squash and/or spinach, rice- fish sticks for kids and Jeff- Caius will be happy, Rayne might like rice if she's in the mood, I don't know about Jeff. He can have hot pockets
S- Something easy that I can throw in the oven and not dirty dishes. This is my day out at my mom's. I don't want to come home and cook anyway.
S- I want to do a Brunch before church and simple soup and sandwiches for dinner after.
What do you feed your family? Anyone else think canned and packaged food isn't bad? Perhaps I just read too many health nut blogs :) Has anyone made any changes and had the family go along happily?
In my most recent attempts to get things planned out and improved, Hubby said to me "how often do you make things that no one wants to eat?"
This was not empathizing with my frustration. This was a statement of why don't I just quit trying to make anything special or healthy because it just wastes food.
Then my sisters and mom, yes my mom!, got me watching Desperate Housewives. I've only watched one episode but one character is trying so hard to be perfect she is coming across as a Stepford Wife. Her family is miserable and the teenage son asks if every meal has to be so special and why can't they just eat something normal. His friend's mom gets home from work, opens a can of pork and beans and they have food in three minutes.
I of course sympathize with the mom. "Little brat! Appreciate what I'm giving you!"
But okay, I get it. She's trying so hard and the family is miserable. My guess is, she's not so happy herself. Hmm. Is there a lesson here for me?
So as I attempted to write out menus and grocery lists, I invited the input of my family.
Jeff gave the answers I expected. Hamburger Helper, pizza, chili dogs...
Rayne in all her sweet take charge-ness said she wants curly noodles (Ramen) for breakfast, spaghetti for lunch, blueberry waffles for dinner, and Rice Krispies as a bed time snack.
I've been wanting so long to get away from processed food and learn how to cook. But, in this conversation, I gave up. I gave in. Rayne shall have the menu she planned. (I did talk about fruit and vegetables she likes so we'll add those too).
And that's where I'm at. Hamburger Helper once a week. I used to not think it such a bad meal. Add some veggies and cut out sugar and treats. I guess we will survive. As I've noted before, I'd be happy if Rayne would eat this, she might just get some protein and iron from the beef. And so it goes.
I may even feel okay about it. Truth is, I kinda like Hamburger Helper. It tastes good and is satisfying. And while I've read enough to think that canned fruit isn't healthy, I ate some for breakfast and I feel better than not eating fruit. So I'm just going to be thankful for what we have and pray over it and, perhaps (deep sigh), keep trying to take my little steps...
Dinner menu:
M- Hamburger Helper, veggies, fruit
T- tacos or taco soup (I make my own taco seasoning now, isn't that a cool thing!)
W-spaghetti w/meat sauce or other pasta (I have also made my own spaghetti sauce. May be worth the effort. And we eat whole wheat spaghetti so it's not so bad), salad, garlic bread
Th-chili dogs and potatoes (baked, sweet, salade nicoise, for me!)
F-salmon, squash and/or spinach, rice- fish sticks for kids and Jeff- Caius will be happy, Rayne might like rice if she's in the mood, I don't know about Jeff. He can have hot pockets
S- Something easy that I can throw in the oven and not dirty dishes. This is my day out at my mom's. I don't want to come home and cook anyway.
S- I want to do a Brunch before church and simple soup and sandwiches for dinner after.
What do you feed your family? Anyone else think canned and packaged food isn't bad? Perhaps I just read too many health nut blogs :) Has anyone made any changes and had the family go along happily?
Monday, January 5, 2015
Back to It
Today was our first day back to home school after an extended holiday break. I have made a lot of plans and was excited about some things but also found myself a bit anxious about it. We've had a rough go of things. But today went quite well for getting back to it.
I have set some good resolutions for 2015. I feel I might actually be able to focus on myself a bit and do some things I want to do. But when Caius got me out of bed before I was ready this morning it was hard to believe that. I'm not sure how to get on top of my life when I just can't quite get enough sleep. Don't get me wrong. Time was, getting this much sleep would have been heaven. And it's not like I'm completely zombified. But still, just not getting enough sleep to catch up to myself and that makes it hard to get up early or want to exercise etc.
So life goes on. Smaller steps than I want perhaps, but at least I'm taking them.
I have set some good resolutions for 2015. I feel I might actually be able to focus on myself a bit and do some things I want to do. But when Caius got me out of bed before I was ready this morning it was hard to believe that. I'm not sure how to get on top of my life when I just can't quite get enough sleep. Don't get me wrong. Time was, getting this much sleep would have been heaven. And it's not like I'm completely zombified. But still, just not getting enough sleep to catch up to myself and that makes it hard to get up early or want to exercise etc.
So life goes on. Smaller steps than I want perhaps, but at least I'm taking them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)