Notes on My Life

In giving up I found an answer

Last night between 9:30 and 10, as I was making mac and cheese and microwaving a corn dog, I realized that reality keeps changing my plans. Similarly, that morning Rayne had finally sat down at the table and was starting her school work when Jeff got up and said he had about 1/2 an hour to get to work. I had totally forgotten he was going in early. Of course the kids want to see Daddy before he goes and I didn't want to ignore him by sticking with the school stuff so I gave up.

What I realized (probably not for the first time) last night is that no matter how much I plan things and set schedules and rules etc to make things go the way I think they should, life just happens. So, in both cases, I gave up. But in giving up, I was able to see what really needs to happen. Do I like making a second or third dinner/snack that late at night? Do I like school being interrupted? Definitely not. But it happens. Almost everyday it happens. So why do I keep fighting it, thinking I'm trying to make it right and that it's my job?

This is not sounding as positive as it was. The point is, in giving up, it all came together. Daddy gets home late from work. I think kids should be going to bed at that time, but they're not going to be. So I might as well plan around that. We'll have a snack when Daddy gets home, the kids can play with him for a bit and hopefully everyone is in bed by 10... ish. That sounds so late for little kids, but that's our life.

Rayne is totally resistant to getting up and getting into school and it ends up with me getting really frustrated and feeling like school takes the WHOLE day. So I give up. We have a couple things that need to be done in the morning but why not let the rest wait until Daddy goes to work? She'll feel like she had a day and settle into getting the work done. Caius is tired enough by then, he'll settle in to watching t.v. (great babysitter I know) or be willing to work with us. And maybe I'll get some housework done during the day and not feel like school has taken over everything. I even had it all come together in my mind how I've been trying to organize school, lessons etc.

More positive

I took Rayne to the doctor on Monday. It was traumatic. They x-rayed her stomach which was a horrible experience for the poor girl. I had to pin her down with the help of a nurse and she screamed in fear through it. Luckily it didn't last long.
But, it came with good... well, not good, but something we can work on... results. There may be a physical reason for the bathroom problems and that is at least fixable by medicine and diet instead of just thinking she's too stubborn and I'm too weak to make her do what she's supposed to.

Also on Monday I received an email from the Special Ed director at Rayne's school. She basically said that since the anxiety isn't affecting Rayne's ability to understand the work and get it done, the school doesn't intervene. My first reaction was fine, tell me there's something wrong and then there's nothing you can do to help. But then I realized that I was seeking help through the school because of how I felt the teacher was reacting. I felt like she was encouraging me to get help because we have a big problem here. But really? We don't. It's the same stuff that I've been handling since Rayne was born.
This was encouraging. I don't need to worry, at least when it comes to school, because Rayne won't talk to her teacher. We're doing online school because it's hard for her to be around other kids and a teacher. That's a different issue but as far as academics? We're doing just fine. And I can handle that!

I can handle that!

Babble

The other day I decided
             "I give up my need for outside validation."

Since then, I feel like a lot has hit me to test this resolve. I keep searching and reading and talking for answers. When what I really need to do is go inside myself and find what I know.

This mom thing is so much harder than I could have imagined. Nearly everyday I feel like I am failing in at least some way, if not many. Another resolve I've tried to have is to remember that it may not be perfect or ideal, but I'm getting the job done and it really is satisfactory.

It's again mostly my Rayne girl. She still suffers from bathroom issues. This week has been extremely bad and I've made a doctor appointment for Monday. But it almost feels hopeless, like I'm again looking out there for someone to help me and I don't really believe there is a solution.

She doesn't eat. Seriously. I sometimes get to the end of the day and realize what little she is living on and it's absolute lack of nutrition and I just cry. How can I do that to her!? Why don't I quit giving her the treats and sugar etc? But deep down, I just don't know how to get her to eat anything good. The more I push, the more she pushes back and it too feels hopeless.

She has bad teeth. I'm suddenly seeing all these holes and I'm so worried about it. I don't dare take her to the dentist, I'm pretty sure it would be fruitless anyway. I've tried so hard to take care of my kids' teeth. She's pretty good about getting them brushed, even if we have to fight about it first it is one fight I do win. And she takes flouride vitamins. But still, I really feel like a bad mom for this one.

And school. I think we are doing better. I'm taking more ownership and being more in charge. She seems to hate it less. But it's another thing we usually fight about at least once a day. I try talking to the teacher and getting advice or help but she is starting to seem like she has a lot to say or offer but never gets around to doing so.

This leads to my precious Caius. I feel like he gets so left out of everything. I'm always so busy taking care of Rayne that he gets kind of left by the wayside. Yet when I try to include him and bring him in, I often meet with resistance from him as well which really breaks my heart because he's my sweet boy that I just want to be happy.

He's the happiest when he's with Uncle Krush. He loves staying all night there. He gets so much attention and validation that I am really happy he has her. But I'd be lying to say I don't sometimes feel like I'm failing him too. I wish he wanted to be here. I try to give him attention and love and I think he knows and feels that. I don't think he's unhappy here, but I worry if any of his needs are getting met.

How do I do it all!? How do people have 7 or 8 kids and function?

On a more positive side, I do see myself being stronger, especially this last week. I've been more clear headed and able to talk to myself about how I want things to be and what I think they should be. I am getting a bit over giving into the kids because I don't want them to ever feel sad or hurt or disappointed and this makes me better able to put up with the crying and fighting and stick with my assertions. But it's amazing how hard it is to hear them cry! And the fighting... with me or each other, it just makes me explode!

So, what needs to be done?
Bedtimes with bedtime prayers and soft music and story time. Teeth brushing! ALL t.v.s and computers etc need to be turned off. Even Daddy's? Can I ask that of him? That he is a part of this routine as well???

Somehow I have to quit buying the junk food. I keep thinking I'm doing better and then find all this candy or cookies in my house. :)
They have to eat what I give them and Rayne has to start trying things. I can't keep cooking multiple meals!

School time is school time and if we're doing it at home, everyone has to be supportive at the least and involved at best. Caius and Daddy too. I feel like I made some strides on this last week so I'll keep going.

I am the Mama! That is really big. They need to know that and I need to know it.

Rules to live by

I read this article last night about how to be a mean mom. I liked it because not only did it tell me to toughen up and take care of the kids but what rules are the most important to set down (ie. HOW to be mean). For some reason, I needed someone to tell me this.
As I've thought about it today, I've thought of some rules I need to set down to be a "mean" mom. Saying it that way also helps me realize I'm not really mean, just doing my job and that I need to stick with it no matter how much they push me and complain about it.

So...

How to be a mean mom:

* Kids go to bed at 8 o'clock! All t.v.s must be turned off, even for Daddy. No games, iPods etc will be allowed in bed.

* Meals and snacks are served at certain times at the table. I do NOT make special meals for people if they don't like it or just want something else. They can try what they are given if for no
other reason than to be polite!

* Rayne is in school from 10:00 to 4:00. If we finish earlier, fine, but that is our school time. NO tv or games allowed (perhaps games during "recess" because they are highly motivational right now). She will spend 30 minutes (work up to longer?) on school work and then have a 10 minute break.

* My children do not scream at me, each other, or other people. They do not hit, kick, scratch, etc.

Middle age thoughts

Something the kids were talking about the other day made me realize I most likely have at least as many years in my life as I've already lived. I've lived a whole life in that time! So what makes us all think it's middle age and going over the hill etc? If the best parts of my life have already happened, that's a long time to... do what? Sit around getting gray and achy?

The funny thing is, I've realized since my last birthday that I'm not even forty! While for the last year, I've been thinking, I'm almost 40! When I started the job I had when I got married, I met a few people that were in their early forties and thought they were pretty cool. They seemed mature but still young, smart and settled into their lives. That's what I wanted when I hit forty. So what's happened in the last few years to make me feel so old and worn out? Why am I suddenly afraid of my age? I've never worried about it before? And most importantly, what am I going to do with the other half of my life? I'm sure there are even better things still coming!

I want to be mature and confident and calm in my being. I want to be beautiful, not in a sexy model way but in an I'm a woman now way. I want to embrace education, past and future as well as my children's. I want to remember all the things I was going to do in life and DO them! I want to learn to roller blade and paint pictures and do more math. I want to continue to create my home and nurture my children. I want to remember what it was like to dream!

Today's school notes

She likes to get it done and do it quickly.
She likes to do it herself.
She likes being in charge.

Focus on DOing.
Let her make choices or be in charge
Give her the job to get it done instead of listening to me tell her a lesson.

Let her hurry but I  can stay calm and relaxed about it. Hahahahaha