JoAnna Theories

Last week was incredibly rough. I could not stop crying. I was very short of patience and felt quite hopeless. I was so down on myself feeling like I am completely failing at this job. I have felt invisible, as if nothing I say or think or try to do even shows up to people, let alone makes any difference even in the little world I'm trying to create. By the weekend I thought I was cracking up. I don't mean to sound so extreme, but I have really been feeling this way.

Yesterday, Monday, was a completely different day. What changed? I think it was that I spent the day pretty much alone with my babies. It's not that I don't love my people or that the help I've received hasn't been invaluable, so PLEASE, those of you reading this, don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to figure this out... The weekend was really busy. I went to Mom's and saw people I haven't seen in a long time and that was GREAT! At home (where we live), the weekends are always a bit of a flurry. Jeff's nephew was here again and he's a bit of a handful, always wanting Jeff's attention and doing sneaky little things to try to get Rayne upset and/or in trouble. I think, especially that I'd been feeling so overwhelmed all week long, I was just worn out by the end of the weekend. So, having Monday with just me and my babies was a chance to catch my breath. I got them both bathed. Rayne ate real food. Rayne and I played and laughed. Caius took a long peaceful nap.
Perhaps what I feel and maybe even what Rayne feels simply comes down to being introverted. I need my alone time. I need it in order to restore my energies, to get in touch with my own thoughts, to simply catch my breath. I've always felt like people think it's such a bad thing. But it's not. I just need to recognize and remember it and take care of myself, and perhaps my children, that way.

Here's another thought. I've been really scared of taking the babies out by myself. Every time we've had somewhere to go, I've had help. Saturday I needed to go to a store for just a couple things and I could not get it through my head how it was even going to work, mostly being afraid of getting two kids out of the car and safely through a parking lot to get to a store. Finally, I just did it. I thought quit worrying, complaining etc and just get it done. We went and guess what? We did just fine!
I felt so accomplished! Like I'd really done something hard. As I drove home and they both went to sleep I thought that sometimes I feel frustrated because "everyone" (it could just be the voices in my head) treats me like I'm so helpless and incapable (perhaps they are just trying to help- again, don't take it personally, I could not survive without the help I've had!) but in the end, I'm always left alone. Perhaps I treat me like I can't do anything. But I CAN! It was a small accomplishment, but an important one. I NEED to know that I have some control or ability or decision making power in my little world. I CAN DO THIS! I just need the time and the space...

Picture Page

Invisible no more

In a rare moment of clarity, it suddenly became very clear in my mind how wrong it would be for a child to have an invisible mother. I don't mean invisible like she's not there taking care of them. I mean my children need to have their mother at her fullest and complete self. They need to see who I am- my education, my talents, my interests, my style, even what I find important enough or pretty enough to hang on the wall. If they don't have that, how will they know who they are? What they stand for or are made from?

Happy Birthday Rayne!

Rayne ate her cake and ice-cream on separate plates and without a fork.
She did NOT want her cake cut and tried to push it back together when I did cut it. She also cried at the candle being lit. She was enjoying her cake, frosting, and moving the candle about the cake.
Kelsey Grandma and Aunt Nini gave Rayne these very pretty sunglasses. I'm not the best at taking pictures, so I didn't get a shot of her "fabulous" hat and other gifts.
Grandma Moosehouse bought Rayne a bike. Rayne loves it! The weather has been so weird here and Mommy has still been struggling just to figure out how to get everyone fed and dressed that we don't get outside like we should. But Rayne loves to try to ride it. I never realized how much thought and work go into peddling. Mostly she scoots it with her feet on the ground, but she tries the peddles.
This is Rayne's birthday hat. She saw an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in which they wore party hats so I thought this would be fun for her. She wasn't too thrilled either way and now makes Mommy wear it around the house.
I adore my Rayne baby more than anything! She is awesome and amazing and perfect!

(As usual, I have to admit to not getting my pictures in the order I had hoped. I thought I was planning ahead?!? Isn't there a way to move them after I've uploaded them? I'm so dumb about these things!)

Rayne Theories

Rayne has been amazingly sweet and good about bringing home baby Caius. She's handled it better than I thought she would. But still, she has her moments. One day she decided she likes hitting him and told me so. She tells me she "needs" to do that. It's been hard on both of us. I hate losing my temper with her. I don't know why I think yelling at her is going to let her know I'm serious any better than staying calm with her would. Nothing seems to work really.
I've had some really hard emotions. I get so upset with her and frustrated at the situations. Then I feel just horrible. She's still my sweet baby girl and I should never treat her with anything but patience and nurturing and kindness. I simply find myself at a loss at how to handle the hard situations. Then I feel bad for upsetting her little world so much. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm neglecting one of my babies. I feel like I don't hold Caius enough because I keep setting him down or letting someone else take him to "deal with" Rayne. Then I feel bad when she spends so much time by herself and I ache to hold and snuggle her.
One thing that has helped is I finally realized that we were dealing with her tantrums before I brought Caius home. Perhaps it's not totally the new situation freaking her out. Perhaps it is just the "terrible twos." As for her playing by herself, she was learning to do that anyway and it's not such a bad thing. She doesn't always need me there.
I worry a lot about how Rayne eats and doesn't eat. She was good at eating when it was baby food and she'd eat all kinds of vegies and fruit. But the more grown up food she eats, the less healthy she eats. And once I got pregnant again, I was no good at feeding us. I had to concentrate on not throwing up! Plus when you live with other people, they influence things a lot and she's eaten a lot of things I was never going to give her!
Since I came home from the hospital, Rayne's diet has been made a lot of popsicles and M&Ms. I've been frustrated but also just trying to survive and adjust. If she can eat a little popsicle and watch Mickey Mouse and sit with me while I feed Caius, then we're doing well. But the other day, trying to wake up and take charge of all this, when we got up in the morning, she had Ovaltine (chocolate milk with vitamins!). Then we ate Cheerios and a banana. Wow! That's kind of healthy! And guess what, I thought her tantrums that day were a lot better. I decided that proved it! We HAVE to cut out the sugar and get some vitamins! But then, I don't even remember what, something in the next day or two made me think that maybe food had nothing to do with it.
The next thing I noticed was that really, Rayne and Caius and I get along quite well when we spend the day alone. Jeff sleeps during the day, his mom works, and his step dad keeps busy and isn't around a lot. Sure Rayne and I have our moments, but I do think they are getting better and might not even be as bad as when other people are here (I should clarify that mostly I mean the people who live her. Visitors she seems okay with... I think). Jeff got up the other day about the same time his mom got home from work and Rayne had been so sweet all day. I was able to go with her flow and not tell her no so much as show her how to change a bit what she was doing so as not to, for example, wrap Caius' head in the blanket. But as soon as Daddy and Grandma were on the scene, she was hitting and crying etc.
Today it seemed really obvious. We got up and sat on the bed with her chocolate milk and something on t.v. while I fed Caius. She was SO good and even helpful and happy. But then Daddy came in and she heard Grandma and her cousin, who had stayed the night, in the hallway. She got excited and wanted to go see them. By the time I followed them into the kitchen, she had knocked Grandma's glasses off her face, hit the cousin, and thrown herself on the floor screaming. We had a bit of a rough morning (in her defense, the cousin, who is 8-9, does like to egg her on and see what he can get away with) but as soon as everyone left, she was fine and her sweet self again. We actually had a really good day. I played with her like I haven't been able to for a long time, chasing her and laughing and tickling. She was nice to Caius and didn't try hitting him.
I'm not sure what this means. Perhaps she scared that I'll leave again so she acts out around Daddy and Grandma? Perhaps she's scared they'll spend too much time with Caius so she tries to get the attention first? Maybe, like her mother, she just gets overwhelmed by all the people? Any thoughts or suggestions? All I know is we have got find a way to get our own place soon. I feel like I'm going to have a tantrum because I can't just settle into my life and figure things out... not that I don't greatly appreciate the help, I just need to take care of my nest!