JoAnna Theories

Last week was incredibly rough. I could not stop crying. I was very short of patience and felt quite hopeless. I was so down on myself feeling like I am completely failing at this job. I have felt invisible, as if nothing I say or think or try to do even shows up to people, let alone makes any difference even in the little world I'm trying to create. By the weekend I thought I was cracking up. I don't mean to sound so extreme, but I have really been feeling this way.

Yesterday, Monday, was a completely different day. What changed? I think it was that I spent the day pretty much alone with my babies. It's not that I don't love my people or that the help I've received hasn't been invaluable, so PLEASE, those of you reading this, don't take this the wrong way, I'm just trying to figure this out... The weekend was really busy. I went to Mom's and saw people I haven't seen in a long time and that was GREAT! At home (where we live), the weekends are always a bit of a flurry. Jeff's nephew was here again and he's a bit of a handful, always wanting Jeff's attention and doing sneaky little things to try to get Rayne upset and/or in trouble. I think, especially that I'd been feeling so overwhelmed all week long, I was just worn out by the end of the weekend. So, having Monday with just me and my babies was a chance to catch my breath. I got them both bathed. Rayne ate real food. Rayne and I played and laughed. Caius took a long peaceful nap.
Perhaps what I feel and maybe even what Rayne feels simply comes down to being introverted. I need my alone time. I need it in order to restore my energies, to get in touch with my own thoughts, to simply catch my breath. I've always felt like people think it's such a bad thing. But it's not. I just need to recognize and remember it and take care of myself, and perhaps my children, that way.

Here's another thought. I've been really scared of taking the babies out by myself. Every time we've had somewhere to go, I've had help. Saturday I needed to go to a store for just a couple things and I could not get it through my head how it was even going to work, mostly being afraid of getting two kids out of the car and safely through a parking lot to get to a store. Finally, I just did it. I thought quit worrying, complaining etc and just get it done. We went and guess what? We did just fine!
I felt so accomplished! Like I'd really done something hard. As I drove home and they both went to sleep I thought that sometimes I feel frustrated because "everyone" (it could just be the voices in my head) treats me like I'm so helpless and incapable (perhaps they are just trying to help- again, don't take it personally, I could not survive without the help I've had!) but in the end, I'm always left alone. Perhaps I treat me like I can't do anything. But I CAN! It was a small accomplishment, but an important one. I NEED to know that I have some control or ability or decision making power in my little world. I CAN DO THIS! I just need the time and the space...