Re: my last post on food

What I was hoping to get to in my last post is basically, I think I ride a pendulum and perhaps it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Sometimes I think if I was a strong, "good" mom, I would feed my kids healthy stuff and not give them any other options and they would learn to like it. When that fails, I swing the other way and give up and they end up eating junk food all day. But let's face it, my kids will never eat oatmeal for breakfast. But I can! And that doesn't mean they have to live on Cap'n Crunch or Eggo waffles soaked in syrup. They WILL eat Cheerios, Rice Krispies and Wheat Chex. So, some may argue that those are processed and really not very healthy choices and I'll worry because I could be doing better, but you know what? They aren't BAD choices. Even the waffles or sugary cereals aren't always SO bad.
Which brings me to my next point. I try way too hard to get everything exactly perfect. I read things and no matter what I think is healthy, someone somewhere says something different. Well, I give up! I give up listening to all that. Even the stuff I think I might agree with. Okay, maybe I'll try to do better or incorporate that kind of thing (eating only organic food for example) but the reality is, it doesn't always work (it's expensive, the kids won't eat it etc) and that's not BAD.
A while back I read some very motivational books my mom loaned me on how kids eat in France. According to these sources, there is such a culture behind food and good eating, that kids just grow up in it and they are so much healthier. I was so inspired, again not to be perfect, but I was going to stick to some definite rules. I always think we should be on a schedule and sit down to our meals and snacks and eat what is given to us. I'm not completely willing to give up on this yet.
BUT...
My little Rayne girl does not really do well with this. I keep thinking if I limit snacks and juice between meals, she will do better. But it doesn't really seem to make much difference. If I honestly look at her and what works and when she eats the best, it's if I give her things frequently throughout the day. She'll eat a bit of cereal for breakfast. Then after an hour or two, she'll eat some cheese. Then for lunch, she'll never eat a sandwich, but she will eat bread and/or lunch meat and/or fruit and/or some carrots. In the afternoon, she'll eat some yogurt. Dinner I would like to stay a bit more formal about. Wait, I'm not formal. I'd like to be? Well anyway, I always end up making more than one thing. I don't think this is good. But maybe it really is okay if she has her whole grain spaghetti every night. Maybe dinner is the time to set some rules and expectations. I'll have to think more on this one. And I think they do need a bed time snack. Especially when we often have an early dinner. But, once I clean up the kitchen, I do NOT need to start all over with snacks and special orders. They can simply have some pudding or a healthy cookie and some milk or something not messy or a big deal.
See, when I can think and "plan," I feel like I can give and demand both a little better. I c an have my plans and ideas about it all but still give to what works for them.
I think. We'll see how it goes. And, there is still the problem of Daddy and his frozen pizza and corn dogs. But he is not entirely stubborn so I'll think some more on that as well.
Wish me luck!

Food on the brain

Last August, I went to the doctor thinking I was becoming diabetic. Everyone in my family is and I'm getting to that age so I felt like I was recognizing the symptoms. My sister went out and bought me a blood tester and told me all about it. I had some very high readings and I had some very low readings. But, the doctor's test said there was no diabetes or even pre-diabetes. I was told to eat healthy and lose weight and come back in a year.
I should have been relieved, and I was, but I also kept feeling like crap without much explanation. I really started working on my diet, cutting out sugar and watching how what I ate affected me. For the most part, I've been feeling better. But, some days I could eat a doughnut and be fine and other days, I'd eat white bread toast with my eggs and be thrown way off.

Two years ago, I had my gallbladder out. The surgeon said there was no need to change my diet, just go slowly at first, introducing foods back into my diet. Since then, I often feel sick to my stomach. Some days, I can eat a cheeseburger and fries and be okay. Other days, just the fries make me feel bloated and sick. It's like my body just doesn't work and process food. But, again, I've been trying to eat healthy and have figured out a few things about myself.

Until recently.

It seems for the last month or so I always feel sick to my stomach, no matter what I eat. Sometimes even a salad feels like I've eaten lead and I feel heavy and tired and full of air. It's kind of like I'm full as if I ate a big meal but I'm hungry at the same time because what food I did eat isn't going anywhere and I really didn't eat that much.

Last weekend, I saw my older brother that I rarely see. When I said something about how I was feeling, he suggested I look at milk products. What I described sounded like what he had felt when he became lactose intolerant. As we talked, it kind of made sense. Just the day before I ate ice-cream for lunch. Healthy I know but I thought it might be easy on my stomach and I just wasn't feeling well. Plus I really wanted some. But that's all I had for lunch and I felt so bloated after!

Well, I've been avoiding milk and cheese this week. Not completely, but I've had pretty much none and I feel SO much better. I feel like I've lost weight and I'm more awake and I don't have that horrible feeling in my stomach. I don't know if I've become lactose intolerant or, as I've read, it's just hard to digest dairy products when you don't have a gall bladder. I don't care. I feel much better and it hasn't been too hard to go without!

The down side is, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. What DO I eat? I tried to have a salad yesterday with dressing that wasn't ranch (a few days ago, I realized- duh!- I make ranch dressing with buttermilk and that's why even a salad with only veggies also hurt my stomach) and it just wasn't very good. I like other dressings, I just have to think of what kind of veggies go with them. What I had on that salad didn't really go with the dressing I had. In avoiding milk and cheese food, I haven't been as diligent about the stuff that was helping my sugar levels. Today that kind of caught up to me. I only tested my blood once and it was normal, but I sure didn't feel normal.

I have spent so much time in the last few months or longer trying to plan, write things down, learn recipes etc. and today I just feel discouraged. One of my children does NOT eat well and the other often follows her example, although he usually will give in and eat something when he's hungry. My hubby is a bit picky even though he tries not to complain. I want to eat REAL food. But I'm not even sure how.

I didn't mean to say so much about how I feel and the discouragements. I was actually hoping to have a few good thoughts. Like, if I buy things Rayne eats, she actually gets in and finds something to eat when she wants. She's not eating "meals" with us, but perhaps she likes (needs?) the independence or choice? Maybe I should quit trying to plan and control so much and plan to not plan? If I have string cheese in the fridge and apple sauce in the pantry and a few things, at least she is eating and eating healthy things? Maybe thinking Jeffrey will ever give up his frozen pizza and corn dogs is hopeless and maybe I should just feed him that? (Hm... doubtful on this one). But maybe... really, maybe I just try too hard to go nowhere! I feel like I have to start all over. AGAIN!

Christmas Pictures in February... oh well

Anticipation

At Great-grandma's/ Christmas Eve

Santa delivers

Christmas morning

Checking in on me

I have been a mother for about 5 years (depending on when you start counting- pregnancy or birth?). Out of 37+, that's not very many. But, I think my identity will always and first, from now on, be Mom.
I am not the same person I used to be. And that is okay. I've never been a mom before. She/I never existed.

But I do now.

I used to teach math. I always thought that if I worked after having children, teaching would be a good profession. Either I'd teach high school and have a similar schedule to my own kids. Or, I'd teach like I did at the college and only be gone for a few hours at a time.
Now? I'm pretty sure that teaching requires (at least when I do it) more emotional energy than I can spare. If I were to teach, I would need to "be" a teacher, and that would take away from what I need to give my children.
Currently, thinking of the possibility of me working and needing to make money, I have been looking into computer coding and programming. This is something I NEVER thought of before. I am surprised how much I am enjoying what I am learning so far. I like the thinking it requires. Instead of feeling like I'm giving and going outward, I feel like I'm reaching in and stretching in a way that is almost restful. I am connecting with my brain in places I haven't been for quite a while. I like bringing that old part of me into this new mom.

Believe it or not, I used to go to the gym. I started getting in pretty good shape. I was still large, but I could breathe and move and had strength. And I was getting smaller. I felt good in clothes and how I looked. I got so I could do 30 minutes or more on the elliptical and I LOVED it. For a while, I lifted weights pretty intensely with my brother. I enjoyed the strength and the challenge.
Now when I think of my physical health, I KNOW I need rest. I need acceptance, not challenge. I am too out of shape to breathe hard enough to do the elliptical. I imagine doing yoga and eating healthy and sleeping as what my body needs. Although I have recently REALLY enjoyed punching my sister's punching bag and I keep wanting to a bit of weight training to wake up my poor muscles.

I used to wear make-up and get dressed every day, even to stay home.
Now I spend most days not wearing make-up and often stay in my pajamas because I get cleaning and playing and cooking and I just don't bother to change into clothes. I've been trying to "get dressed" so I feel better but even that means something different now than it used to. And make-up? I wear it quite differently than I used to.

I guess I just needed to acknowledge the changes. They don't mean I'm getting old or lazy or letting myself go or any other negative thought I may have had about myself. They just are. And it's okay.

A mom has been born.

P.S. I just looked at the HTML tag of this post and understood it! There isn't a lot of code but I know what it stood for :) 

A revelation

I saw this on Pinterest the other day. That's nice, I scrolled on, I believe that too. The words a pinner put underneath were "you really don't."
I went on but then something clicked and I went back and pinned it myself. Maybe it deserves more pondering? And I kept thinking about it for a couple days now.

I equate not needing or wanting and giving everything I have with righteous sacrifice.
I think desire, want, having things is the same as being worldly, ungrateful, prideful.

I've never thought I was settling. In fact, I think I've lived a pretty good life. I've even been talking to my mom lately about how perhaps the challenges we face, my own trials at the moment, are meant to be (I'd given up on "meant to be"s along time ago). In some way, I have come to believe that while we do have our choices, things happen around us and to us and sometimes our challenge is not to overcome but to endure them.

But...

What have I ever truly WANTED in my life? I don't know, honestly, if I have ever allowed myself that. I wanted to go to college but when it came time to go, I didn't let myself think of where I wanted to go or what I wanted to study. I thought about what was possible, what was "right," what I was capable of. Fine, I'm all for practicality but...
One thing I know I really wanted with all my heart was to be a mom. This was something I prayed and yearned for. But even this, I waited a long time for and I assumed that was part of my sacrifice, proving that I really wanted it. I have thought for a long time, and feel I have done so, that I would give up anything to be home with my children. Maybe I never really thought that I could be a mom and we could have a nice house and enough money and some physical and spiritual stability. Because that would be too easy! That wouldn't show I was sacrificing enough. I might be happy and enjoy my children.
I worry now what if? What if all Rayne's anxiety and struggle is a manifestation of my thinking (therefore setting the intention- new age jargon here :) that I had to prove that I could do a good job, that no one else could do it. People needed to see that she really needed me in order to justify my being home and taking care of her.
It's ridiculous when I say it out loud. Isn't that great! I'm getting these thoughts, these false beliefs to come out of my head and onto paper and then I can laugh at them! I might be happy and enjoy my children. My life. My marriage. Myself.

Hu...

 Make a wish and let it come true.