A revelation

I saw this on Pinterest the other day. That's nice, I scrolled on, I believe that too. The words a pinner put underneath were "you really don't."
I went on but then something clicked and I went back and pinned it myself. Maybe it deserves more pondering? And I kept thinking about it for a couple days now.

I equate not needing or wanting and giving everything I have with righteous sacrifice.
I think desire, want, having things is the same as being worldly, ungrateful, prideful.

I've never thought I was settling. In fact, I think I've lived a pretty good life. I've even been talking to my mom lately about how perhaps the challenges we face, my own trials at the moment, are meant to be (I'd given up on "meant to be"s along time ago). In some way, I have come to believe that while we do have our choices, things happen around us and to us and sometimes our challenge is not to overcome but to endure them.

But...

What have I ever truly WANTED in my life? I don't know, honestly, if I have ever allowed myself that. I wanted to go to college but when it came time to go, I didn't let myself think of where I wanted to go or what I wanted to study. I thought about what was possible, what was "right," what I was capable of. Fine, I'm all for practicality but...
One thing I know I really wanted with all my heart was to be a mom. This was something I prayed and yearned for. But even this, I waited a long time for and I assumed that was part of my sacrifice, proving that I really wanted it. I have thought for a long time, and feel I have done so, that I would give up anything to be home with my children. Maybe I never really thought that I could be a mom and we could have a nice house and enough money and some physical and spiritual stability. Because that would be too easy! That wouldn't show I was sacrificing enough. I might be happy and enjoy my children.
I worry now what if? What if all Rayne's anxiety and struggle is a manifestation of my thinking (therefore setting the intention- new age jargon here :) that I had to prove that I could do a good job, that no one else could do it. People needed to see that she really needed me in order to justify my being home and taking care of her.
It's ridiculous when I say it out loud. Isn't that great! I'm getting these thoughts, these false beliefs to come out of my head and onto paper and then I can laugh at them! I might be happy and enjoy my children. My life. My marriage. Myself.

Hu...

 Make a wish and let it come true.