Checking in on me

I have been a mother for about 5 years (depending on when you start counting- pregnancy or birth?). Out of 37+, that's not very many. But, I think my identity will always and first, from now on, be Mom.
I am not the same person I used to be. And that is okay. I've never been a mom before. She/I never existed.

But I do now.

I used to teach math. I always thought that if I worked after having children, teaching would be a good profession. Either I'd teach high school and have a similar schedule to my own kids. Or, I'd teach like I did at the college and only be gone for a few hours at a time.
Now? I'm pretty sure that teaching requires (at least when I do it) more emotional energy than I can spare. If I were to teach, I would need to "be" a teacher, and that would take away from what I need to give my children.
Currently, thinking of the possibility of me working and needing to make money, I have been looking into computer coding and programming. This is something I NEVER thought of before. I am surprised how much I am enjoying what I am learning so far. I like the thinking it requires. Instead of feeling like I'm giving and going outward, I feel like I'm reaching in and stretching in a way that is almost restful. I am connecting with my brain in places I haven't been for quite a while. I like bringing that old part of me into this new mom.

Believe it or not, I used to go to the gym. I started getting in pretty good shape. I was still large, but I could breathe and move and had strength. And I was getting smaller. I felt good in clothes and how I looked. I got so I could do 30 minutes or more on the elliptical and I LOVED it. For a while, I lifted weights pretty intensely with my brother. I enjoyed the strength and the challenge.
Now when I think of my physical health, I KNOW I need rest. I need acceptance, not challenge. I am too out of shape to breathe hard enough to do the elliptical. I imagine doing yoga and eating healthy and sleeping as what my body needs. Although I have recently REALLY enjoyed punching my sister's punching bag and I keep wanting to a bit of weight training to wake up my poor muscles.

I used to wear make-up and get dressed every day, even to stay home.
Now I spend most days not wearing make-up and often stay in my pajamas because I get cleaning and playing and cooking and I just don't bother to change into clothes. I've been trying to "get dressed" so I feel better but even that means something different now than it used to. And make-up? I wear it quite differently than I used to.

I guess I just needed to acknowledge the changes. They don't mean I'm getting old or lazy or letting myself go or any other negative thought I may have had about myself. They just are. And it's okay.

A mom has been born.

P.S. I just looked at the HTML tag of this post and understood it! There isn't a lot of code but I know what it stood for :)