Mission Statements

Last night I went to bed trying to think what I would do if we just had enough money to take care of ourselves and I didn't have to worry about it. I also asked what if I lived in the cabin by the lake I imagine in my head and never, or rarely, saw anyone else? If I truly didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought, how would I live?

Instead of giving me clarity, it's just made me ask more questions. Why do I do what I do if I don't think I would if no one else was ever around? Simple things like what clothes I wear and bigger things like what I try to teach my children.

Yesterday I also tried to write a bit of a mission statement for why we are homeschooling Rayne. This also was answered with more questions and I had to dig in to figure out my purpose.

Jeff and I have been toying with the idea of me getting part time work, if only for the summer. For the first time since before we had kids, I feel like it could be possible. I don't feel like I would be neglecting them or not doing my job as far as being a mom.

At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to take better care of myself and do some things for me. This is good and much needed, especially I think when it comes to my physical health. But in some ways, I think it's distracted me from what I really want to be doing with my life right now.

Caius went to sleep around 6:00 last night and Jeff was at work. It gave me time to play with Rayne, do some school stuff, watch some shows and just be with her. I've been worrying a lot about her lately and feeling really stressed about how to take care of her. I realized last night that if I'd quit thinking about all this other stuff and just remember why I'm here, we'd all be better off. 

I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom because I want to focus on my children. I want their needs to come first. I thought yesterday that I need to just remember this and that my goal is to just be with them and be there for them instead of thinking of getting all these things done. If we lived in a secluded cabin by a lake in the mountains, I could do school however I wanted to. I could teach them what I think is important. If we had enough money, I could quit thinking all the time that I need to make money and that what I do isn't as important as making money. If I did work, it could be for self fulfillment and to be an example to my children. All I've ever wanted is to give my children peace and comfort and stability. I want to be their safe and soft place. I want to build them up. That is what I want to be doing right now. And that's the vision that I should make decisions by. 

Food again

What I will feed Rayne everyday:

Breakfast 9a.m.
French toast or PB&Honey sandwich (ease into wheat bread, she used to like it!)
Make smoothies out of low sugar, high protein yogurt and juice

Dinner 2p.m.
Whole wheat spaghetti, cheese, fruit
Pepperoni, lunch meat once in a while
Offer veggies- she likes carrots

Supper 6p.m.
Cereal, fruit

Bedtime snack
Graham crackers (maybe oatmeal or healthy cookies) and chocolate milk (carnation instant breakfast or Ovaltine).

Jeff is on his own for breakfast and after work.

We will have our big meal of the day at 2. Always have an orange and green veggie, protein, some grain and fruit.
Supper around 6 will be cereal or something easy. Tuna sandwiches, deli sandwiches with lots of veggies, egg sand, salads. Caius likes chicken nuggets and fish sticks- give him some protein.


Food rules:
No sugary and colorful cereals. We can eat Wheat Chex, Rice Krispies, etc. It's still processed but way less sugar and none of the dyes etc. Plus they spray on some vitamins.
No more Ramen, Kraft dinner, canned or boxed dinners. Replace w/homemade recipes. This may take some time and adjustment.

Is there such thing as "healthy" lunch meat? Chicken nuggets or fish sticks?
Kids will eat whole wheat pasta- serve that with cheese rather than Kraft dinner, ramen etc. Perhaps try boullion or other flavoring?

I've about given up on getting myself to Costco and Trader Joe's. Be okay with this or go to Trader Joe's once a week!

Basic dinner menu:
Monday- Mac and Cheeseburger
Tuesday- Tacos
Wednesday- Chicken and veggies
Thursday- Chili dogs or pizza for Jeff, Salad nicoise or sweet potatoes for me
Friday- Fish, rice, Veggies
Saturday- Pasta and salad
Sunday- Meat and potatoes/Sunday dinner - don't work too hard. I'm the only one that likes this type of dinner. Pot roast, chicken in the crockpot, shepherds pie...

Tears

I am having a really rough few days. I wanted to blog to get some of my thoughts down where I could see them. Instead I started reading an old blog and came across THIS! post from when Rayne was a baby. It's exactly the same stuff going on almost six years later!

I'm really kinda down about it. This week I've had to physically hang onto her and stop her from attacking Caius. She is getting very physical and reacting to everything!

She is not eating. If I'm lucky she'll eat some cereal or whole wheat spaghetti. I also bought some Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks that promise a lot of nutrition.

Last week, she got really good with bathroom issues. I was so proud. She was feeling so good about herself. But this week? It's been back to the same old stuff.

She does really mean or gross things and when I get mad at her, she yells at me for always taking away her fun. I'm trying to see it from her point of view and I try to explain that it's not fun to hurt someone else or that some "jokes" are inappropriate. Today she told me she was going to put me and Caius in the trash. I got really upset and said fine, I'll just take Caius and leave her and Daddy on their own. Well, of course this made her burst into tears.

She's so sensitive and I think she is trying to be "strong" in defense of herself. Perhaps she feels overwhelmed and vulnerable and weak so she tries to be unafraid and aggressive to compensate? That feels true when I say it.
I also feel sure it's inspiration so many times when I REALLY worry about what she eats or doesn't eat and feel so determined to straighten things out with our eating. But every attempt I make gets defeated.

Anyway, the post I linked above was between 2 and 4 months old. I was worried perhaps she had some kind of reflux due the crying and horrible sleeping and bad eating. How she would cry so hard and had such trouble pooping.
And nothing has changed.

I feel defeated. I feel like a failure.