Mission Statements

Last night I went to bed trying to think what I would do if we just had enough money to take care of ourselves and I didn't have to worry about it. I also asked what if I lived in the cabin by the lake I imagine in my head and never, or rarely, saw anyone else? If I truly didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought, how would I live?

Instead of giving me clarity, it's just made me ask more questions. Why do I do what I do if I don't think I would if no one else was ever around? Simple things like what clothes I wear and bigger things like what I try to teach my children.

Yesterday I also tried to write a bit of a mission statement for why we are homeschooling Rayne. This also was answered with more questions and I had to dig in to figure out my purpose.

Jeff and I have been toying with the idea of me getting part time work, if only for the summer. For the first time since before we had kids, I feel like it could be possible. I don't feel like I would be neglecting them or not doing my job as far as being a mom.

At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to take better care of myself and do some things for me. This is good and much needed, especially I think when it comes to my physical health. But in some ways, I think it's distracted me from what I really want to be doing with my life right now.

Caius went to sleep around 6:00 last night and Jeff was at work. It gave me time to play with Rayne, do some school stuff, watch some shows and just be with her. I've been worrying a lot about her lately and feeling really stressed about how to take care of her. I realized last night that if I'd quit thinking about all this other stuff and just remember why I'm here, we'd all be better off. 

I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom because I want to focus on my children. I want their needs to come first. I thought yesterday that I need to just remember this and that my goal is to just be with them and be there for them instead of thinking of getting all these things done. If we lived in a secluded cabin by a lake in the mountains, I could do school however I wanted to. I could teach them what I think is important. If we had enough money, I could quit thinking all the time that I need to make money and that what I do isn't as important as making money. If I did work, it could be for self fulfillment and to be an example to my children. All I've ever wanted is to give my children peace and comfort and stability. I want to be their safe and soft place. I want to build them up. That is what I want to be doing right now. And that's the vision that I should make decisions by.