Babble

The other day I decided
             "I give up my need for outside validation."

Since then, I feel like a lot has hit me to test this resolve. I keep searching and reading and talking for answers. When what I really need to do is go inside myself and find what I know.

This mom thing is so much harder than I could have imagined. Nearly everyday I feel like I am failing in at least some way, if not many. Another resolve I've tried to have is to remember that it may not be perfect or ideal, but I'm getting the job done and it really is satisfactory.

It's again mostly my Rayne girl. She still suffers from bathroom issues. This week has been extremely bad and I've made a doctor appointment for Monday. But it almost feels hopeless, like I'm again looking out there for someone to help me and I don't really believe there is a solution.

She doesn't eat. Seriously. I sometimes get to the end of the day and realize what little she is living on and it's absolute lack of nutrition and I just cry. How can I do that to her!? Why don't I quit giving her the treats and sugar etc? But deep down, I just don't know how to get her to eat anything good. The more I push, the more she pushes back and it too feels hopeless.

She has bad teeth. I'm suddenly seeing all these holes and I'm so worried about it. I don't dare take her to the dentist, I'm pretty sure it would be fruitless anyway. I've tried so hard to take care of my kids' teeth. She's pretty good about getting them brushed, even if we have to fight about it first it is one fight I do win. And she takes flouride vitamins. But still, I really feel like a bad mom for this one.

And school. I think we are doing better. I'm taking more ownership and being more in charge. She seems to hate it less. But it's another thing we usually fight about at least once a day. I try talking to the teacher and getting advice or help but she is starting to seem like she has a lot to say or offer but never gets around to doing so.

This leads to my precious Caius. I feel like he gets so left out of everything. I'm always so busy taking care of Rayne that he gets kind of left by the wayside. Yet when I try to include him and bring him in, I often meet with resistance from him as well which really breaks my heart because he's my sweet boy that I just want to be happy.

He's the happiest when he's with Uncle Krush. He loves staying all night there. He gets so much attention and validation that I am really happy he has her. But I'd be lying to say I don't sometimes feel like I'm failing him too. I wish he wanted to be here. I try to give him attention and love and I think he knows and feels that. I don't think he's unhappy here, but I worry if any of his needs are getting met.

How do I do it all!? How do people have 7 or 8 kids and function?

On a more positive side, I do see myself being stronger, especially this last week. I've been more clear headed and able to talk to myself about how I want things to be and what I think they should be. I am getting a bit over giving into the kids because I don't want them to ever feel sad or hurt or disappointed and this makes me better able to put up with the crying and fighting and stick with my assertions. But it's amazing how hard it is to hear them cry! And the fighting... with me or each other, it just makes me explode!

So, what needs to be done?
Bedtimes with bedtime prayers and soft music and story time. Teeth brushing! ALL t.v.s and computers etc need to be turned off. Even Daddy's? Can I ask that of him? That he is a part of this routine as well???

Somehow I have to quit buying the junk food. I keep thinking I'm doing better and then find all this candy or cookies in my house. :)
They have to eat what I give them and Rayne has to start trying things. I can't keep cooking multiple meals!

School time is school time and if we're doing it at home, everyone has to be supportive at the least and involved at best. Caius and Daddy too. I feel like I made some strides on this last week so I'll keep going.

I am the Mama! That is really big. They need to know that and I need to know it.