Disordered Eating

The other night, Jeff asked what my favorite food is. I honestly didn't know. And it dawned on me "that's why I've put on so much weight!"

In the last year and a half, I have tried to give up sugar and milk products. I've also tried to take a stand against processed foods. This means I no longer eat cheese and ice-cream (used to top my list of favorite foods) or even much enjoy a bowl of cereal (another favorite). You would think that giving these things up would help me to lose weight, but instead, I keep putting it on.

The thing is, I didn't give them up in an attempt to lose weight. I gave them up because my body seems unable to process them. So, every time I have a bit of cheese on my taco or a piece of candy or feed my boys and sometimes myself some thing out of a box or can, I really scold myself because of what I'm afraid it's doing to my body. I tell myself how it makes me sick and I can't handle it. And sure enough, my sugar levels go up or my stomach hurts as if I'm lactose intolerant.

Okay, so my body is trying to tell me something. The doctor says I'm not diabetic but my sugar levels easily go up and down out of normal range. I used to get really bad stomach aches every time I ate and I've discovered that giving up milk products has done a world of good to prevent that. But...

The next night I made some banana bread. Jeff and I ate the whole loaf that night. I LOVE bread. I like bananas. Two things that I need to be careful eating and make sure I balance with protein because of the sugar. But I just relaxed and enjoyed the bread. No stomach ache. No soaring blood sugar levels.

Shyly I admit to my main New Year's affirmation. "I am enjoying a re-connection with my physical body." I feel that these realizations may be quite insightful as I reconnect with my physical self.

I received an email a day or two ago from a blog(?) I've subscribed to. She has some great thoughts. This message was about not being so mean to yourself. As I read, I came to a part that said "all is forgiven." It was a very cool experience as I read those words. I felt them wash over my body. I forgive myself!

Rather than a list of wrongs I forgive myself for, I simply felt peace. An acceptance of myself. No criticism, just love. All is forgiven.

I am in this moment. I accept my body. I LOVE my body. Perhaps more than nourishing myself with food, I need to nourish myself with thoughts. I keep reminding myself to relax. To quit holding physically everything so tightly- the stress, worries, trying to be in control and do it all right- I can let go of that in a physical way. And I NEED to enjoy my food.