A Rambling Attempt to Ask for Advice

I am sad today that I don't think my kids are getting the love and nurturing and patience I want to give them and feel they deserve. I know that a lot of times the way I am acting is a reaction to something not even the thing I'm responding to. Like if I'm mad at Jeff, Rayne receives the brunt of it because it comes out when I'm frustrated and trying to deal with her tantrums. It's not fair, it's not right and I'm feeling more and more unable to help it. I try to think about what really is bothering me so that I'm not just an angry or bitter or frustrated or heartbroken person and letting that all come out on my precious babies without realizing it. And, as I try to see the big picture, I try SO hard to think of how I'm going to fix those bigger things so that life can be perfect and ideal or at least better and normal. I know you can't blame everything else and you have to take responsibility and I really do try to make the most of my situations but sometimes it is so frustrating because I really believe I would do better if things were better.
A friend I've known for a very long time recently told me about some problems her brother has had because of bullying (to say problems and bullying makes it sound so simple but it's not my place to tell the story. Let me just note that it's some BIG stuff the guy has had to deal with). I know that people would say that the guy should have done this or could have stopped there etc, but knowing my friend and her family, I'm well convinced that the poor guy was doing the very best he could to deal with what was going on. We so much want to believe in choice and that people are never victimized that we forget to look at their insides and understand that there is a reason they do what they do and perhaps it really IS the best they can.
I remember my 9th grade English teacher telling us that as we read Romeo and Juliet we might wonder why they went to such extremes. Why didn't she just run away or tell her dad no? But, he explained, there were things within the culture and the times that made it impossible. She really did have no choice.
So what does that have to do with me? I really sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself to make such comparisons and no, things aren't that bad or that extreme. But, I do feel like I'm reaching the end of some rope. I am exhausted. Some things happened about a week ago to really shake up my little world and I feel like I'm freaking out. The thing is, to some of the people that have the most ability to help me or be with me etc, it's not a big deal or perhaps they don't understand why I react the way I do. And I can talk all day long and feel like they still don't get it.
But that's my problem. I CAN'T talk all day long. Words fail me. I don't know how to say what I need let alone do anything about it. And even then, there's really nothing I CAN do about it. I feel stuck.
So rather vague explanation of what's in my head, in part because I'm too tired to try to explain it all, but also because I tend to forget that blogs are public, cry out to those of you I love and trust the most, and then feel dumb for putting so much junk out there for anyone to see.
And I'm back to my beautiful, precious babies that I love and adore more than life itself. I want to be better. I like to think I'm doing okay as a mom, but there are things I wish were different. I want to give them the best of me, all of me. I want to give them the world. How do I do that!?