Oh How I Love the Rayne!

"Everybody's got their thing

Something diff'rent we all bring
Don't you let 'em clip your wings..."

from Disney Channel's A.N.T. Farm theme song

There was a movie on at Jeff's dad's house the other day and even though it was a kid's movie I was concerned how Rayne would react to what was going on. It was a sad part and she was suddenly paying a lot of attention and watching closely. I had a sudden memory of seeing the movie Savannah Smiles when I was quite young- five maybe? I remember, not just because I've been told the story, bursting into tears at the end and I remember how I felt- an incredible deep sadness at what had taken place.
Just after I graduated from college, my dad took the family on a trip to New York City! and we saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway! My baby sister would have been 13? or so and when it ended, she burst into tears. She cried the whole cab ride back to the hotel and then some. I remember at some point thinking she should be over it by now or should calm down or have it under control or something.
It makes me sad to have thought that. Not just because it was a bit insensitive to her but because of what it said about me. Sure as a grown up you have to learn to control your emotions a bit and have some self control, but what happened to the little girl who embraced so whole heartedly someone else's emotions to the point of crying for them? Could I not understand why my sister was crying that way? That she too is sensitive and intuitive and passionate?
Rayne was fine with the movie at Jeff's dad's, but this is not always the case. The other day at my mom's she dropped some My Little Pony toys in the bathroom sink and screamed out, scaring her poor grandma half to death. Grandma thought for sure she had hurt herself somehow but it's just Rayne's emotions. She has lost a thing or two down the drain at home so it's possible she thought the ponies were gone for good. It's possible, given other reactions to other things, that she thought the ponies were hurt. Perhaps she was just so sad and frustrated at losing them, even for a second, that all she could do was scream.
I know that these types of moments happen a lot for Rayne. I, of all people- believe me!- know that these reactions are sometimes hard to take or deal with or help her through. I find myself often thinking that she should be fine by now or have it under control or not be hurting when she keeps crying and crying with such "flare."
But that's my baby. I think she has truly been like that since the second night at the hospital after she was born. At her last well child check up, almost in passing, the doctor asked if she had always been or was normally an anxious baby. I hesitated in answering because I had never put that label- anxiety- on her but it suddenly was so clear that's exactly what her "problem" is. The doctor clarified by asking if she doesn't handle change, even small changes, well or if things are out of the ordinary. FINALLY, I felt like I understood her reactions. My sweet little girl I've tried so hard to take care of and almost every night just prayed that she can have some peace and calm.
Anxiety is definitely something I can relate to and I could now see how all her little reactions (I should probably say big reactions) are just that. It's not always a mental or emotional thing, sometimes it's just nerves going hay wire and you feel like you can't control or handle the situation. You feel hot and out of control or nervous and scared. My poor baby. I suppose it's just the down side of feeling passion and intuition and sensitivity to other people. It's like it all gets backed up and there's too much static electricity floating through your body and at any moment you're going to get shocked!
I was talking to some very dear people the other day about how I feel like people make me feel like Rayne is so unlike any other two year old that's ever been. People have rolled their eyes at her behavior. They've called her a drama queen or said she's simply throwing a fit. They've said she's okay now but it will be a problem when she's older. They've said, as if complimenting me which I know is their intention- an offer of sympathy- that they don't know how I do it (ie. put up with her). I've even had more than one person say about Caius "I'm glad you got a good baby..." because Rayne wasn't or was difficult.
I told the people I was talking to that I honestly didn't know if people said things to make me feel that way or if I was just too sensitive. But now that I've thought about it, I'm pretty sure people have said things. Not that that was their intention, a lot of these people love and adore Rayne and are just trying to help me or be supportive, but it hurts. I am very defensive of that little girl.
We were at a family picnic and I was impressed at how well Rayne interacted with everyone. She isn't around new people often and will react hesitant or clingy to mommy. But she shared her pretend cakes and had a blast passing out M&Ms to everyone. There was a little girl who hung around us who was a bit older and a bit disabled and Rayne had so much fun playing with her and sharing with her. She is an amazingly smart and very sweet little girl. I wouldn't want her to be anything but what she is.
Sometimes I feel like people think I should put a stop to her behavior or be more strict with her. I feel like they think I am weak and need help "disciplining" her. But when I get a chance to consider things and be a bit introspective, I know I'm doing things the way they should be done. No one is going to understand that girl the way I do. We are so connected I feel like I've known her most my life. She's been with me all this time, not just when she was born. I tell her all the time I love her more than anything because I truly do.
And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let anyone clip her wings. That's MY girl and she has the ability to fly!