It's easy when you have a defiant child to get in the habit of what I call pre-defense talking. I get so used to everything being challenged and I'm told "no" so often, I've started just trying to sound firm and in charge from the start. Lately, I have really felt like she is bossy and demanding in the way she talks to me and I've had to stop and wonder if that's how she feels I talk to her.
So yesterday I really tried to make a point of speaking nicely to each other. I can't really insist that she say please and ask nicely when I'm always telling her what she has to do without any consideration for how she feels. At first it felt kind of forced. I was surprised how often I had to stop and rephrase things. Instead of "get your shoes on!" I had to say "please will you get your shoes on?" Sometimes the nice talk, frankly, makes me feel kinda stupid, like if anyone was listening they'd think no wonder I'm such a push over and she rules the house. But the nice talk quickly set in and it made quite a difference yesterday. I don't know that she was really much more likely to do what I said but we were happier and laughing more and there was definitely a lighter tone in the air and things went much more smoothly. When you are in the flow of things, there isn't so much need to be telling her what to do.
P.S. Any suggestions for dealing with a defiant child? There are some things I do have to insist on and the more I do so, the more she insists on her own way. Sometimes it seems to help if I kind of walk away- if I tell her what needs to be done and then do something else myself. It's like that makes her get that I'm serious more than me standing there trying to oversee it all and "make sure" it gets done. Any other thoughts?
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