But, the other day, I talked to Rayne's school teacher. While we are doing school at home, we are still registered with a public school and she has a class and teacher we are supposed to meet with online almost everyday. There are also assignments which require Rayne to talk into a microphone and record an answer that is sent to the teacher. These are the hard things for her to do.
I'm not sure why. I'm pretty sure she gets overwhelmed with all the noise of being online with other kids and a teacher who is trying to keep things moving along while still answering everybody's individual questions. The microphone thing, I've been able to get her to do a few times, just talking to me with the microphone on. But, her latest response to that is to run and hide behind a chair and whimper.
While the special ed director said that her assignments are fine and the anxiety is not getting in the way of her academics, it turns out the teacher has been compiling information to get a picture of what is going on with Rayne. She's saved assignments, the recorded lessons, and I don't know what all for sure. As she pointed out, a lot of the kindergarten lessons are the recorded answers and participation in the reading groups and live lessons. Oh and did I mention before how poorly the testing with the teacher in person went a month or two ago? My concern that I expressed to the teacher is that these things will keep her from moving on within the school system.
I guess she was pretty much agreeing, or acknowledging, that it may cause problems. The special ed director is wanting to meet with Rayne and see if she can get a better testing and maybe once or twice a week to do some evaluations. And, as the teacher put it, she wants to be able to come to me and say this is the plan to help Rayne and work within this school setting OR you know what, this isn't the best place for Rayne to be.
I had so many emotional reactions. I wasn't even sure what I was feeling or thinking and had to just let it flow for a while. Well, I suppose it's all still flowing and processing through my brain.
I can't help feeling like a failure. I can't get my girl to eat or go to the bathroom and now I'm failing with her schooling as well. And it's always been like this! We had such a hard time as a newborn just getting her to breastfeed and the sleeping thing! that I guess I was supposed to "teach" her how to do??? She didn't start sleeping through the night until she was four years old!
I also feel extremely defensive. Like the teacher is saying there is something wrong with my baby! And yet I know she is bright and catching on to everything I'm trying to teach her as far as school goes. I feel like we're being kicked out and how do you get kicked out of doing school at home???
I feel guilty. A part of me wishes I could just send her to the neighborhood school and it would all just be happy and we'd get her dressed up and comb her hair (another thing I have to fight with her about!) and she'd show the teacher how smart she is and make friends and we'd just be... normal.
But, we are not normal. I've never felt normal. I've always felt different and awkward. My baby girl has been scared since the day she was born and things like noise and people and rules are overwhelming to her. She has so many needs. She NEEDS input and an outlet for creativity and thinking and processing all the information she is so capable of understanding.
I talked to Jeff last night a lot about being the mom and stepping up and trusting myself to know my children and to defend them and do what I KNOW is best for them. Part of meeting with the special ed director is probably going to require Rayne to go into the office alone with her. Like that is going to have any good outcome! Perhaps it's not a good idea to even try. Or maybe we need to know what would happen?
I've also been thinking of how I've just been there Rayne's whole little life- carrying her, holding her, sleeping with her, eating with her, dressing her, trying to make- in spite of all the fights and resistance- her life go as smoothly as possible. Trying to give her calm and safety so she can deal with all this. And maybe I've approached it all wrong. Or maybe it was right for a while but now it's time to change. I wonder if she doesn't need more independence. I need to insist she does some things on her own and to not back down no matter how long it takes or how much screaming goes on. She needs to know that I am stronger than she is so she can feel safe that I CAN protect her. And she needs to know that she can do things and take care of herself a bit.
Hm... I feel derailed this week. Again. Perhaps things will never settle and this just is what it is to be a mother.
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