Get with it, Mama!

It felt good to write my last post and accept that things can be good enough without being perfect. It was good to let go of a few things and quit pushing myself so hard to try for whatever picture of perfect I have in my head.
But a few days later and I'm going crazy. It's not the voices in my head and unrealistic perceptions I have. I WANT THINGS BETTER THAN THIS!

Knowing this is also good.

Tonight was our first real effort  doing homeschool rather than online. Some things went quite well. While Rayne wasn't completely agreeable, it wasn't a complete blow up. But, I still kind of felt just rushed to get it done and struggling to get her attention and "make" her do it.
We've been doing school at night when Jeff goes to work for a few weeks now. It seems to work. But Jeff and I both feel like it would be better to get up and get it done in the morning. I don't know why I feel like that. I guess it needs to be a bit of a focus and to be acknowledged that it needs to get done, not just as an after thought.
I want school to be better!

In my last post I admitted to myself that losing weight just isn't a priority for me right now. And so for a day or two, I let myself go. I had such bad sugar cravings and munchies and I just let myself indulge. And I feel horrible! It was really quite gross how much I just craved the comfort of food. I was already aware that I eat for comfort but boy oh boy, did it get away from me! This is also good to know. And to remember that I do care about my health. I may not be able to think about losing weight and wishing I looked "hot" but dang I do care how I feel!
I also care a lot about what my kids eat. Rayne doesn't eat anything! as I've said before. Caius does better but if he gets what he wants it's pretty much all pasta and cheese. Maybe that's not so bad but I think I can do better for him.

Is it wrong/bad for me to say that Jeff's schedule throws us off? Okay, it's easier to blame something out there than to take it upon myself, but really. He leaves before 5 so I've been trying to feed us more of a dinner before he goes and then he's hungry when he gets home around 9 so I thought we could have a bedtime snack. Well, the only reason this has been working for us, is because I just give in to everybody. And I am cooking mac and cheese or chili dogs at 9:00 at night when kids should be going to bed!
That's another thing. Caius has quite a habit of taking a nap when Daddy goes to work and Rayne and I do school. Then he gets up at 7 and doesn't want to go to bed until way too late. At least he naps. Rayne just thinks she doesn't have to go to bed until she's beyond tired and has a total breakdown (yes I do try to get her there before that happens, but it's not very fruitful). Then we are all tired so we sleep in and I've tried to work with that and say it's just our life but I think it's awful.
Perhaps it's just my style and people are different but I HATE being up late and sleeping in and trying to live a life in between. It just doesn't work for me!!! I feel crappy and tired all the time and so unproductive! Given that I am the mom, I think that's important to consider.

I'm not really blaming Jeff but if he's not at work, he has no discipline or structure to his life. It's probably one of the things I fell in love with. His happy, care free way of being and that he wanted me to slow down and enjoy life. But he stays up until whenever he feels like sleeping, which I think doesn't help with kids and bedtimes... somehow, it plays into it. He gets up when he's done sleeping or we get too loud and wake him up, which if I do have structure in our mornings, he kind of interrupts. Then he sits and plays games while we try to do school and somehow that's just not conducive to the atmosphere or something. And yet, what is he supposed to do? Just sit there while we work? So how do I change this!?

So now I'm back to saying, we need some rules dang it!
Bedtimes, mealtimes, school time. The t.v. and video games don't have to be on ALL DAY long (I'm sure it's just a bad energy past a certain point).

But really what needs to be said is "get with it mama!" I have to do better! And this isn't a beat my head against the wall trying to be perfect thing. This is a "this isn't working for me!" thing. I'm NOT happy with the way it is.
I don't make my kids do things because I'm not strong enough to fight about it. That's NOT okay. I'm sure they can at least sense that and maybe it's part of the reason Rayne is so insecure. Mom's a pushover so Rayne has so much control but perhaps feels like who's going to protect her?
Dang it! I thought if I was nice and loving, my kids would just go along with our routine. But EVERYTHING is a fight with her! I have to find some other motivation than "because I said so" or it's what has to be done! She just doesn't buy into that and then Caius follows her example even though he's such a mellow, do what he's supposed to kind of kid.

Alright, get with it mama! Be the grown up.