Something happened yesterday that made me realize how truly blessed I am to have a mother like mine. I've always loved and appreciated and been grateful for her, but I realized how rare it is to have a mother that is truly nurturing, encouraging and kind. Someone who rubs your ankles when you sit in the dentist's chair, no matter how old you are. Who talks you through your crazy dreams and seemingly insurmountable shortcomings without making you feel stupid or corrected. I don't remember ever fighting with my mom.
A while back I wrote a post about wanting to be my childrens' best friend. I've since wondered if that was the right way to phrase it. If maybe I didn't mean their cheerleader or confidant. More recently I've thought it's not realistic to think of being a friend to them. I've felt like my children really lack discipline and manners and need to be taught things I'm not teaching them because I'm too lenient and willing to let them play. I've even somewhat set some goals to get them to be more independent and do things on their own.
Okay perhaps this is all fine and maybe even true. But...
I was reminded yesterday that I want to be like my mom. I want to be a mom who is always encouraging and kind. I don't believe we are given the job to create people. I believe we are given people to help become their best selves. I want them to learn and grow in themselves, for who they are. And I DO believe a lot of who and what they are came that way. I don't want to discourage them or even correct them in a certain sense.
I rearranged the living room furniture the other day. They LOVE running around and around and over the couch and chair. I believe in letting them do this. I also believe it's not okay to do at grandma's house, but this is THEIR home and I want them to be happy and comfortable and free to do and explore and play. These things come first. The independence, the manners, the discipline come later.
What does it mean to be a friend to your children? I sometimes hear people say things like "It's not a parent's job to be a friend" or "You need to be a parent, not a friend." I can be friends with a colleague, for example, and yet in certain settings, the friendship will take a backseat (or even become more or less non-existent) and the relationship will be colleague-based. So, can you be a friend and a parent, although sometimes the friendship is basically not a part of what's happening? I'm sincerely asking, because I'm not 100% confident about the answer.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I would hope that friendship is a state that can (and should) be achieved as the child becomes an adult. In fact, I suspect the roles should reverse, such that the parental role is manifest less and less and the friendship more and more. Does that sound right to you? I'm just thinking "out loud" here.
Thanks Ben! I like the way you've said this. I think yes. I suppose it does depend on how you define "friend." When I say it in regard to my children, I just want to be someone they can talk to, trust, and feel good around. I believe a true friend builds you up even when they have to tell you the hard truth. A good friend let's you know where they stand and when you are not making the best of choices. Then they are there to help you when you do it anyway.
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