Checking in with Me

Today I went to the doctor to talk about anxiety medication. This was hard and scary for me. I didn't realize just how hard it was until last night and this morning. I've had a lot of feelings come out in the last week just deciding to do this but last night they kind of all culminated.
Friday I felt a real need to talk to my mother. Last night I tried to talk more to my husband. Neither of them really like the idea of "mind altering drugs." Without their support I felt I can't do this. They both have tried to be supportive and understanding, but I've been left feeling a bit misunderstood. These are the two people I need most in the world to support me and care and I really felt that I couldn't go ahead with this if they felt it was bad idea.
This morning I took a deep breath and decided that I quit taking medication before in part for Jeff. Now I will take it for Rayne. If me being well is for her (and I'm sure Jeff and Caius as well, she's just the most noticeable at this point) then I will do what it takes. And that thought gave me the courage to go.
I think it is also good that in doing it for her, I felt myself care that I also do it for me. I think that's what I need my mom and husband behind me for; I can do this for my daughter but I need someone caring that I do it for me. It needs to matter that I am happy and well.
After talking a bit to Jeff last night, I got in the shower and cried like crazy. I had so many thoughts and feelings come to the surface. It was good for me to understand my feelings and to understand that this is a big deal and that just asking for help and admitting that I feel like there IS something wrong and it IS affecting my family is a huge, hard thing. I wish I could put in words the thoughts I had last night. I feel like if I could just say it that way, people would understand and recognize that yes, I do need something. So, I will try...

There is a person locked inside of me. She has thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas. But like a caged animal beaten to submission, she sits and waits, not daring to hope for a chance to be free. 
What you see on the outside is a broken person. I'm not really here on the outside. When I'm in the room with you, whoever you may be, stranger or friend, I am quiet. Like still water, I reflect back to you an image of yourself. My mind is blank. I don't know what I like or what I think or what is funny. It's hard to talk. It's hard to laugh. I used to say that I hated the sound of my own voice and it's because it could betray me. With you, I am the still water that has drown the person inside. 
But unlike the still water you see, I feel my body racing, pulsing, shaking, fidgeting, pounding, gasping for air. My heart beats out of control. It is hard to catch my breath. My hands twitch and fidget in self consciousness. I feel as if I am surrounded by static electricity and I am fearful that at any moment I will feel that familiar, stinging SHOCK. I feel constantly afraid. But to be fearful, you have to be afraid of something and there is nothing that I'm truly afraid of, it's just there is no other way to describe this feeling.
With people I am closer with, more comfortable with, the feelings are not so intense, but yes, they are usually there at least somewhat. You don't see it, I like to think because I have learned to hide it so well. I am good at coping. With you I can laugh and I can have thoughts and opinions, but really, if my feelings are different than yours, these feelings come even harder because with you, I do fear something. I fear your disapproval. I fear losing your love. I do not know unconditional love when it comes to me.
With any of you, I try so hard to be what is pleasing, what is acceptable, what will avoid conflict or drawing much attention to myself.
I NEVER get to be just me.

If a little bit of medicine can stop my body from drowning me, or at least calm me down enough I can find the key and let myself out, how, why, would you deny me that?