What am I doing???

I'm pretty sure I have it in my head that a good mother really would starve her children until they were hungry enough to eat what they were given. Of course, it's okay because it really wouldn't take starving them for them to realize they are hungry and this is what they get. But today is not the first time I have really felt like I am just going to throw out what is in my head and listen to what I almost know inside myself. My girl will NOT eat because she's hungry. They suggest cutting back on juice and other drinks so she's not filling up on that and not giving candy and other treats. Okay, I agree, she gets too much of that stuff but I also know from experience that it's not going to make her eat something she doesn't want to eat just because she didn't have that extra cup of juice today.
She is getting extremely picky though. I had decided to incorporate more of what she likes into our meals so that I know she will eat something. It seems like this has just made her more picky. An example, she loves canned peaches but this summer she wouldn't eat fresh ones even when I sliced them because of the red bit on the side that touched the pit. Even if I was meticulous about cutting it off, she wouldn't go for it. Okay then, canned it is, it's better than none right? But now she picks out so many "gross" pieces even out of the canned ones that it's beginning to not be worth giving them to her. Kraft dinner, an old stand by that at least  I knew she was eating something and I'd sometimes sneak some baby food squash into it to make it a bit healthier, the last few times we've had it, she's too busy or it's too hot or by the time she gets to it, even though I try to make her come sooner, it's too cold and sticky.
I am seriously starting to worry! The doctor says she's okay because her weight is okay, she's getting enough calories even if her nutrition might be lacking. Well, for one that's not good enough for me! And two, so she has to waste away for a couple years before it shows up and then we can worry about it!?! Fine, she's probably not wasting away, but I don't think they get it when I say the girl doesn't eat!

Today Rayne wore underwear all day. She peed twice, neither time in the potty or toilet, and pretty early in the day. Then she didn't go ALL DAY! We kept trying to get her to try, we were nice, we were more forceful... the harder we tried, the more she insisted on not going. All the books say don't make a big deal out of it, she'll just resist further, but really??? I'm supposed to just stay calm and not worry and make her clean up her own accidents? Like that is working either! Anyway, I put her in the bath this afternoon and then put her pajamas on and decided to just let her wear a diaper and we'd try again tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was less than an hour and she was quite soggy. Had she just been holding it in all day waiting for a diaper!?
She doesn't want to do it!!!! I know I'm the mom and I'm supposed to make her but I can't force her to pee!!!! I even told her today I was starting to worry so we were going to work on it this week but if it doesn't work we might need to go to the doctor to make sure everything's okay. She's usually scared to death of the doctor and I didn't want to scare her but I thought it might click with her but all she did was tell me how brave she was when we went for her ear the last time. I thought when we ran out of pull ups and she had to go back to diapers, again I didn't want to embarrass her, but I thought it might motivate her, but she just doesn't care!!! I'm not really worried, but almost, that there's any kind of physical problem because she does go stand in the corner or away from us to pee. That's almost all the more frustrating! She knows how! She just won't.

It's really hard not to feel like a bad mom. Good moms get their kids potty trained at two years old, and for sure by three. They make them eat their vegetables. They take them to primary and pre-school and dance class and leave them and they have fun. Good moms do their hair and wear real clothes and do crafts and have hobbies and put the kids down for a nap in the afternoon. They certainly don't go crazy every afternoon and start yelling because no one is listening and they are so tired and frustrated and no one is listening anyway.
Going to therapy has established that there are some other issues here. That perhaps I'm not a bad mom and I may even be doing some things right. But in a way, it's just frustrated me. I'm not supposed to feel guilty that okay, maybe I didn't cause her to feel this way but I can't figure out how to fix it for her or help her feel any better? And it's extremely frustrating because no one is talking to me or giving me any skills or help in how to deal with these things. Sometimes I try to stop and think that it's just normal kid stuff, which by the way makes me feel worse that I can't get it right, but any "friends" I do have that give me advice or books I read make it seem like if I just did it right it would all work out. I don't know who to talk to.

I'm writing this thinking I won't post it, I just need to talk to myself. But if I don't post it, it will just get lost in my head and I need it out there where I can look at it and think about it. Someone said you can do a private blog? Maybe I should set one up. I suppose I don't expect many if any people read this so it doesn't matter if I publish it. Then I do and feel embarrassed for throwing so much personal stuff out there. Hmm... Mom? Melanie? If you happen to read this do you have any advice? Perhaps someone can just tell me, in a convincing way (boy I ask a lot!) that I'm not a complete failure in this!!!?

Oh and we put up our Christmas tree today and have had a lot of fun. So sorry to post this one instead... it's just that by bedtime I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I shall go drink hot chocolate and look at the tree and pray and think and BREATHE!