Yesterday I took Rayne to the doctor for an ear infection. I was glad Jeff went with us and on the way home I commented that I always want to talk to my mom after these things. I am so glad to have her support and that she cares. But I also admitted and/or realized that I often feel an obligation to talk to both our moms when I've done something like take the kids to the doctor because I feel I'm supposed to report to them. It's okay, they are both very loving and glad to be involved. It's just that I don't think I give myself credit as the authority or that I see myself as really being the mom. I have to report to someone else as if they are the boss or the one really in charge and this tells me that I am not. I need to step up and realize that I am the mom, I am the authority, this is my world. And that's okay too.
I have been extremely ornery and frustrated for quite a while now. I honestly hate myself sometimes for the way I behave. One thing I've acknowledged this week is that it's okay to feel what I feel, even if I don't like how I express it or the behavior that comes from me. This is important for me to realize. As the mother I need to know that it's okay to say no or to correct them and it's also okay if I feel frustrated or upset or hurt physically or emotionally. Somehow knowing this helps so that I don't have to "freak out."
The other thing I've realized is that I get angry because I think it's the only way anyone listens to me. I'm talking about other people, other grown ups in my life, not the kids, but, sadly, they are the ones to most often receive my anger. If I get really angry, I have the nerve to say what I need or to talk back to mean people. Therefore, in order for my defiant child, or even when she's sweet but in her own world, as the little one almost always is, and just not listening kids to hear what I'm telling them, I have to be angry and frustrated. Or perhaps I feel like no one else listens so why should they and THAT is the frustration that comes out. Whatever it is, I know that being angry doesn't help the situation. I can be sweetsy to them or I can yell and scream and the result is not different, there's just a lot of hurt feelings that go with it.
I also get angry because I'm trying to prove to people I feel judge me that I can be in charge and make my kids behave and I am a good mom. This bugs me. This week I'm trying to let go of this. It's not how I believe in taking care of my kids.
Rayne got her own shoes on to go to the doctor yesterday. She wore one black, sparkly church shoe and one bright pink, Croc style shoe. I tried to get her to at least change one so they matched, even though I would have preferred her to wear socks and sneakers to stay warm and better match the style of her clothes and the weather outside. When she insisted she wanted to wear those two shoes, I let her. I let her because I was angry at a world that forces us to look right. That I know there are people who will judge me for letting her go that way and because her hair, while I did pull it up in a pony tail, was messy and uncombed because she felt crappy and I didn't feel like bugging her anymore than I had to. I honestly felt torn. Is it "right" to make her wear matching shoes so that she doesn't get made fun of and we look appropriate? Like someday she'll wonder why her mom never made her do things she "should" do. Or is it right to let her have her self expression and somehow show her how to stick up for what she thinks, feels, wants, believes even if other people do make fun? I decided on the second one and it felt like a big step for me. A defining moment in my way of thinking.
I want to be brave enough to stop looking at what everyone else thinks. That's what all these things are about.
I've realized this week that perhaps I am as soft (ie. not strong), unconfrontational, quiet, reserved, too nice as people have always said and I maybe have been fighting to say I'm not for most my life. Talk louder they say. Stick up for yourself. Be in charge. Be strong. Etc etc. This week I have given up on that. Or at least I'm trying. I speak quietly; it doesn't sound quiet to me and if you want to hear what I say, perhaps you need to listen better. I am not bossy or in charge, even of my own children; I suppose we will have to figure something else out. But you know what? They both behave better and Rayne is much more calm, when I quit trying to boss and I think we will go much farther if I embrace my too nice, push over self than if I am always trying to fight it. I will always avoid confrontation.
This week I give up trying to be strong. I give up anger. I give up trying to impress people and be perfect- at least what I think they see as perfect. I embrace being perfectly me!
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