I have to find the strength to care...
about me.
I am really out of shape and gaining weight. I feel pretty crappy most the time. I think about exercising and I try to feed us healthy because I want to do that for the kids. But honestly, I think about exercising and easily dismiss it because I can't handle one more task on my to do list. I've always loved to exercise. I love to connect with my body and have that mental escape of just being in my own space and moment. But now? I know they say you have to make time, but I honestly cannot imagine it at all.
And the eating thing? I seriously think I have a problem. I don't say that to emphasize how bad it is. I mean I really sometimes worry. I used to have some self control and a sense of eating healthy because it feels good and stopping with the junk food because it feels bad. Now, I seriously fantasize about what I'm going to eat when I get the kids to bed and Jeff goes to work. I've found myself at times eating the last cookies not because I want them or I get pleasure from them but because I'm obsessed... I don't even know with what. With having one thing in the day that is mine? That the kids can't poke their fingers in or Jeff can't have an opinion about or something.
This week I'm trying to curb the caffeine a bit. I'm a bit concerned that it, or the sugar in the drinks that give me the caffeine, is making me a bit crazy. But for a long time now I've been drinking, not a lot, but everyday.
I get dressed in the morning (truth is I often don't do that if I'm staying in all day) and I don't like what I wear. I've posted a time or two about what to wear as a stay at home mom so that I'm comfortable but still look pulled together but really lately I have no sense of style. And I mean more than just trying to look cute or something. I mean I am totally out of touch with what I even like or what my outward appearance expresses. I don't have a hair style. I comb it and do my best to get it out of my way. And I rarely wear make-up and this is wearing it more than I have for a while.
I try to read books or do crafty things to make me feel happy or to have my own thoughts and expression. But even going to the library is difficult with the kids so it's not like I have a lot to read. And I never dare spend money so what crafts am I even talking about?
Boy this post is taking a real negative turn. I'm simply trying to be real about where I'm at and what's bothering me... or what doesn't bother me but it's at least starting to bother me that it doesn't bother me more.
I have to start caring.
About me.
How I feel physically, mentally and emotionally.
Goals for this week:
No junk food at the grocery store
Eat more fruits and veggies- plan menus around them
Do yoga or at least a bit of stretching before bed
One last thought. As I talked to Rayne yesterday I remembered how much she's always liked to run (she's only three, but still). I have fond memories of a few times watching her run just for the pleasure of it. I decided that I need to make running my goal so that I can give that to her and do that with her. We need to run out her anxieties and let her have that time of freedom. It was very motivating.
Hi... it sounds like everything came to a very good conclusion. If you and Rayne can run everyday that will be wonderful for both of you. It's really a good idea.
ReplyDeleteI think after having a baby you are in some state of limbo, and it takes a year or two to get back to the 'normal' life again, where you basically start all over with who you are now and you re-evaluate who you were before, and how much of that is still what you want vs what you would like to change. You have new people in your life who are constantly there. you have to allow for them and let things change. Being the leader of the group isn't something you're used to, either. But they support you and look to you for what they should be doing. It's a nice job, after all.
Then you begin to assess who you are and how you want to come across to them. It's progress. You get to start over and make yourself better than ever. And you are doing a great job with that. You Become.....kinda' cool.