Our Meeting with the Psychiatrist (...or... I know people have bigger problems, but here are mine)

My baby is paralyzed by fear. The doctor said it this way. If a child is unable to learn to walk, like she has cerebral palsy, she wants to walk, she will try, she will be frustrated and angry that she can't. That anger will be directed at the primary care giver. Not that it's your fault or really makes sense for her to be mad at you but perhaps she's looking to you to fix it. Perhaps there is no other outlet.

A child has a natural curiosity to explore and figure out their world. Things don't always go as planned or expected and that's supposed to be part of the fun of figuring things out. It's when the child doesn't have fun in figuring it out or gets afraid and won't go on that we should be concerned about her development. Rayne gets paralyzed by fear and refuses to go forward. She gets angry and frustrated. A lot, or most, of that anger is directed at me.

It was acknowledged yesterday that I have a very demanding child. Like I said, I know people have worse problems. But this is not normal exhaustion from the stress of being a stay at home mom. She is more the level of a special needs child.
As we sat in the office talking to the doctor/psychiatrist, Rayne had a hard time playing by herself. This is very typical of Rayne, even at home. When I tried to get her to let me continue talking, she sat on my lap, she pulled on my face, she didn't quite yell at me, or maybe she did, she covered my mouth. She was very demanding and insistent. I thought this was typical child behavior but I was told that most kids will, at least eventually, give in and find something to do on their own.
I was flattered that the doctor actually commended me for how I handled it. I encouraged Rayne and helped her find something to play with but I set limits and continued talking. Me? Set limits? I honestly think that everyone thinks I'm weak and dumb and ought to just smack the poor girl once in a while.

When Rayne was 4 months old, I took her for her check up and shots. Every time, even very young like this, the look in Rayne's eyes when they gave her the shots was very upsetting for me. I've always thought I was an over protective first time mom. But then I had Caius and while it's very heartbreaking for him to get shots,  it's not the same. I remember thinking that Rayne's reactions and crying scared even some of the nurses; they would return to the room to see if we were okay.
It was after this appointment in particular though that Rayne quit letting anyone but Mommy and Daddy hold her. The grandparents we were living with and she was somewhat comfortable with. My parents that we saw all the time.  One grandparent insisted that we push her past it, but I, and thankfully Jeff, refused. I felt like I should take care of her fear, not make her face it. I assumed that it was the doctor appointment that scared her and that she would get over it, but she never did.
In light of all this, perhaps I should have done more to help her get past this but I never felt, and still don't, that I did the wrong thing by holding her and not making her go to people when she was afraid.
The psychiatrist said that it was probably a panic attack, even at that young age. Panic attacks are severely scary. People who have them will do anything not to have them. The fear of the attack can be scarier than having one.  The psychiatrist yesterday said that she probably sees me as being her only life raft. Not that there's anything I can really do to stop her from feeling it, but I'm the only thing she can cling to.  I believe that if a person is drowning and they have a chance to grasp a life raft, you should give it to them, not throw them a dingy and try to convince them in that moment that it will save them.

We also discussed the possibility of medication. I am hesitant to start medicating her especially so young. I'm pretty sure Jeff won't like the idea. But, even just in the appointment yesterday as the doctor pointed out what she was seeing behind some of Rayne's behaviors, if she is feeling so locked up, so unable to be happy and be a kid and medicine would help, then I'm open to it. For some reason, it makes me cry even typing that. Like it's saying there really is something wrong with my baby. An answer to a question I've been asking for a long long time. The doctor said it's as if she's at Disneyland and isn't able to have any fun. She's always afraid, always hesitant, always unable to leave my side.

 

Leaving my side. I believe in holding babies as long and as much as you possibly can. I believe they shouldn't be pushed out of the nest to learn to fly. But I've always worried I'd hold them too tightly, be overprotective, and I want to teach them to be independent. This is where the paralysis comes in. If she is never able to be without me, that is a problem. Children naturally want to be on their own. They need to know they can be. Rayne is not able to do this. I think the way it was said is she is unable to sustain herself. It's not my fault. I'm not doing anything wrong. It's probably an anxiety she was born with. We need to help her. She needs to be able to explore the Disneyland that is life. She needs to be happy. She needs to have fun. She needs to not be held back to the point she quits or gives up when it doesn't work or she doesn't get it right.