More Sunday Considerations

Today I made a decision.

I am no longer taking Rayne to nursery.

Yes, she does get something out of it but, it's just too hard on her. And what she gets from it doesn't outweigh the toll it takes on her.
We didn't have any huge episodes today but more than a few times another kid would come to see what we were playing or try to join in and she would very loudly and bossily say things like "go away!", " that's such a stupid kid we need to put him someplace else!", and she would push, try to kick, etc. She was mean and yet I know that in her mind, they were the ones attacking her, invading her space and that she was just defending herself.
Rayne was a total wreck by about 6:00 tonight. She was crying over the smallest thing. Yes Rayne typically does react this way a lot of the time. But this was a lot and more even for her. Usually she likes to watch Dragon Tales while I put Caius to bed and then I have to go through about fifty thousand extra steps to what is supposed to be our bedtime routine before she will settle in for sleeping. Tonight when I went to take Caius to bed, she burst into tears and didn't want to be left. Thankfully, Caius settled in and went to sleep quickly and I was able to hold Rayne and rock her in the chair. We talked a lot. She would start talking about something happy and then burst into tears worrying about Caius taking away the toy or having a bad dream or any number of things that could go wrong with whatever happy thought we were trying to go with. Thankfully I stayed calm and just wanted to hold her and help her. I tried to let her know I understood her fears and concerns and I tried to talk about what they were and how they felt and I tried to let her know I would take care of her. Eventually we moved into her bed and she still just snuggled close to me and we kept talking. She even had me make up a story and song about being rock star princesses. Finally she fell asleep and I just held her and rubbed her ear and hair. I just wanted her to feel safe and protected.
The thing is, she is often a wreck Sunday afternoon/nights. Nursery is crowded with kids and toys and noise. There is so much there, but nothing that is really hers. There are toys she loves, but she can't take care of them or take ownership of them. She shares her mom when we are there. She even has to let people into her space, her breathing room, and she's supposed to be nice about it. It really is hard on the poor girl. So today I decided we are done.
Rayne will start going to primary in January. While I think this will be more awkward for me to accompany her, I'm hoping the structure of it will be better for her. I'm hoping to work with her on going on her own, but I fully expect to be there every week. I entertain thoughts of perhaps taking turns, one week my class, the next week hers. We will see on that one. I'm thinking of talking to the primary presidency, I know a couple of them, just so they know what is up with Rayne. So that I feel like maybe someone understands what I'm doing. (Do I sound just melo-dramatic about this? I mean, it's not like there's something THAT wrong with her!...). I'm thinking maybe we could start going to at least sharing time, singing time, etc now just so she can see it before she gets there. I know they start taking the kids from nursery for a few weeks in December for this reason, but maybe we could start sooner.
Anyway, I felt sure of myself in deciding this today. Even writing a blog that I don't think anyone reads I feel hesitant. Why? I don't know. I guess because I always question myself and feel like I have to ask permission. But today I felt sure, as her mother, that this is right. No more nursery for her. I guess it is one of those things where I feel like you're supposed to just follow the rules and if it doesn't work it's because there is something wrong with you and you better just try harder to do the right thing. But I'm breaking away from that lately. I really do feel myself getting a bit stronger and more sure of myself, especially as the mother. Oh, and maybe I should mention that one of the things Rayne cried about tonight was that she never wants to go to church again. I want to make it a good, safe experience for her. THAT is what the right thing is.