Clown Suits

Once upon a time, my mom had a new baby and my niece and nephew, that she took care of a lot, soon followed. I was around junior high age, give or take a year and my younger brother was not far behind. Then of course my older brother and sister were not as grown up as I remember and my mother also spent a lot of time taking care of her parents. For some reason, I remember my mom talking about dressing for her job. It didn't make sense for her to dress up or, as an example, like a business woman. My mom made herself some outfits. I will call them jump suits but I don't know if that's accurate. Kind of like overalls that tied at the shoulder, she made them in bright colors and prints with a solid t-shirt underneath. She said she wanted to dress to be home with the kids. She called them "clown suits."
I don't know why she called them this. Did she feel clownish in them? Perhaps self conscious around those business women etc that she didn't want or need to dress like? I can't imagine that she didn't like the outfits. I remember picking out fabrics in flattering colors and prints that she liked. And even if they were "easy" to make, she still put the time and effort into making them.
I never really thought whether my mom was in style or not. It never really was a question. She was my mom. Not "just mom." My mom! She was everything to me and I suppose style wasn't a part of the beauty I saw in her. Whenever I was old enough I did look at her for those things, I saw the pretty things about her; I never judged if it was cool or in or whatever. Maybe some girls do look at their mothers that way but in some way I guess they learned it from their mothers (raging post about moms who send their 3 year olds to church nursery in a different prom dress every week forth coming). Maybe I remember this conversation because I was starting to be aware of my own style? I think about it a lot now because I'm doing the job she had then.
My mother in law and grandma in law gave me some money and a gift card for my birthday and while I tried to have fun with it, I also needed to be practical. I bought some much needed walking shoes and church shoes. I also bought two long sleeve t-shirts and two pairs of exercise pants. I needed clothes and I really needed something to be home and comfortable in when I'm cleaning, being sneezed and spilled on, going out to the playground or even running over to the store. I thought maybe this would look a bit sporty and playful and still be super comfortable.
I know, I know, the make over shows all say you can be comfortable in heels, jeans, and a nice blouse. And frankly, yes I do feel a bit clownish in these clothes sometimes. But sometimes I feel very dressed for my job and frankly how I look is not as important as how I feel.
For some reason as I dressed to go to Walmart this morning, I felt like things became clear- just for a moment,   nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnB   zz bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (hahaha I think I'll leave that. I had to run to the potty with Rayne and when I came back, Caius had typed that. It seems to fit :)
I saw me as I am or want to be. For this time in my life. For this job.
I was wearing overalls and a striped t-shirt (no farmer Jo jokes please Benjamin). My hair, I don't want it any longer than it is now but I can't afford regular trips to the salon or the time it takes to "do" a short hair style everyday. So, I will keep my bangs and have a "long" hair look. I always want it up in a ponytail anyway and I guess I don't really care how that looks. It can be cute. I also bought some new eyeshadow with my birthday money. I looked and looked and wanted (or thought I wanted) pretty colors and smoky eyes and to do more. Finally I allowed myself to realize that what I really wanted is just a duo in the same pretty brown tones I've always worn. And some new mascara. I just want to look more awake with a bit of color for a day to day look.
And that is me. Something happened recently (perhaps another scathing post about the rudeness of strangers also forthcoming) to make me harden up a bit to what other people think. This could be a good thing for me. It also softened me to myself, my children, and my world. I am me. And that's darn good enough.
To quote Billy Joel "what's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing/Can't you see that your tie's too wide." So it is. And that's the way I like it.