A few weeks ago I wanted to write a blog about Reclaiming Sunday. Sunday used to be such a spiritual, uplifting day. Now it's the hardest day of the week. Monday used to be hard because it was a let down after Sunday. Now Monday is hard because I'm exhausted and, quite frankly, really down about Sunday being so hard.
They rearranged our stake this last month. I think they created a new ward and re-did the ward boundaries. I was very sad because I really loved our bishop and Relief Society president. They made me feel safe and like I belonged and would be taken care of. And there were other people in the ward that really befriended us and made us feel welcome. I really needed these things. But, I finally pulled myself out of the disappointment and was determined to have a good attitude.
With the change, I was released from my calling in the nursery. But because of the change, they still asked me to fill in until everything gets established. I had been wondering if I should ask to be released feeling like I wasn't any good at this, we miss so much and I often spend all my time taking care of my kids and not feeling like I'm contributing. This isn't a good reason to be released so I kept trying to do better but I was also often feeling like I needed to be able to focus on my kids. Caius will be old enough to officially be in nursery this month and Rayne will be moving to primary in January. I've thought that I need to be able to start working with her on this change and maybe even leaving her without me so that she will be ready for primary. I think Caius will be fine.
The week they announced there would be a change, they had a stake meeting that night to announce the boundaries etc. The next week was stake/regional conference. The week after that, we went to church, now starting at 1 o'clock. The following week they were doing the Brigham City temple dedication and didn't have regular church meetings. And that brings us to yesterday.
Yesterday was awful. Sometime close to the beginning, Rayne had something happen, I'm pretty sure involving a toy and she got pretty upset. I took her into the hall so she could catch her breath. She then wanted to stay there so I stood in the doorway "helping" with the other kids and keeping an eye on her. Later, while I was giving the lesson she started kicking someone and when I tried to get her to stop, she started yelling all while I continued to try to give the lesson which is hard enough with three year olds and younger. At the end of class, she climbed on the table and the other teacher asked her very nicely not to and she got so upset she screamed at the teacher. The teacher of course was embarrassed and probably quite put off at this reaction. She was nice to me and asked me about some things and I felt bad and embarrassed and out of control and like a bad mom.
So then we went to sacrament meeting. By the way, Caius' new naptime which also changed just in the last month is 12:30, the same time we are about leaving for church. He did well but was completely tired by the end of nursery. We found seats and were doing pretty well until, in the middle of the sacrament song when we are supposed to be getting reverent, Caius did something to make Rayne scream at him so he screamed back and started to cry which made Rayne yell at him... I picked up Caius and the diaper bag and walked out, trying to get Rayne to go or follow, they were both crying and I was trying hard not to. We stayed in the foyer for a while, eating snacks and talking to our wonderful primary president who offered to help but you know how that would not work with Rayne and Caius was just too tired and we eventually left. We walked in the house with Caius crying, Rayne being very demanding and me on the verge of yelling and crying at everyone. Caius took a nap, sleeping until five, which made bedtime last night quite a challenge.
I say all this trying to think it through but also trying to paint a picture of what the day was like. Like I said, I had wanted to have a good attitude about the changes and to take Sunday back and make it a special day for my kids. I made a good effort to have a clean house and a simple but nice Sunday dinner ready to just pop in the oven when we got home (oh yah, Jeff ate at the computer, I stood at the counter, Rayne played and Caius slept- even dinner didn't happen right).
I feel very frustrated. I want Sunday to be nice. I want it to be special. I want to take care of my kids. I want to help Rayne. I'm simply overwhelmed and don't know what to do for her or how to approach things. I feel like she will NEVER be able to be on her own. So I just need to think of how I'm going to do this.
I wish I had advice to give. It stresses me out to read this. It saddens me. I empathize. Not that the situations Melanie and I face are identical to yours, but I feel like I completely understand what this must be like for you. Despair is too common a feeling in parenthood sometimes, and it's awful. It's not at all what you think it will be. And it seems so hopeless. You can muster up the most ambitious, optimistic, resolute attitudes and they are just as quickly obliterated by a child who couldn't care less what you have to say or even how you say it.
ReplyDeleteI know this isn't a helpful comment. Maybe I'm just making it worse. But, for whatever tiny little bit it may be worth, I understand. Sorry that doesn't change anything.
Thank you so much for commenting and making me feel not alone. Perhaps I'm not so dumb, my kids aren't so bad... Maybe it's just hard and I needed to hear that.
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