Today I went to the doctor to talk about anxiety medication. This was hard and scary for me. I didn't realize just how hard it was until last night and this morning. I've had a lot of feelings come out in the last week just deciding to do this but last night they kind of all culminated.
Friday I felt a real need to talk to my mother. Last night I tried to talk more to my husband. Neither of them really like the idea of "mind altering drugs." Without their support I felt I can't do this. They both have tried to be supportive and understanding, but I've been left feeling a bit misunderstood. These are the two people I need most in the world to support me and care and I really felt that I couldn't go ahead with this if they felt it was bad idea.
This morning I took a deep breath and decided that I quit taking medication before in part for Jeff. Now I will take it for Rayne. If me being well is for her (and I'm sure Jeff and Caius as well, she's just the most noticeable at this point) then I will do what it takes. And that thought gave me the courage to go.
I think it is also good that in doing it for her, I felt myself care that I also do it for me. I think that's what I need my mom and husband behind me for; I can do this for my daughter but I need someone caring that I do it for me. It needs to matter that I am happy and well.
After talking a bit to Jeff last night, I got in the shower and cried like crazy. I had so many thoughts and feelings come to the surface. It was good for me to understand my feelings and to understand that this is a big deal and that just asking for help and admitting that I feel like there IS something wrong and it IS affecting my family is a huge, hard thing. I wish I could put in words the thoughts I had last night. I feel like if I could just say it that way, people would understand and recognize that yes, I do need something. So, I will try...
There is a person locked inside of me. She has thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas. But like a caged animal beaten to submission, she sits and waits, not daring to hope for a chance to be free.
What you see on the outside is a broken person. I'm not really here on the outside. When I'm in the room with you, whoever you may be, stranger or friend, I am quiet. Like still water, I reflect back to you an image of yourself. My mind is blank. I don't know what I like or what I think or what is funny. It's hard to talk. It's hard to laugh. I used to say that I hated the sound of my own voice and it's because it could betray me. With you, I am the still water that has drown the person inside.
But unlike the still water you see, I feel my body racing, pulsing, shaking, fidgeting, pounding, gasping for air. My heart beats out of control. It is hard to catch my breath. My hands twitch and fidget in self consciousness. I feel as if I am surrounded by static electricity and I am fearful that at any moment I will feel that familiar, stinging SHOCK. I feel constantly afraid. But to be fearful, you have to be afraid of something and there is nothing that I'm truly afraid of, it's just there is no other way to describe this feeling.
With people I am closer with, more comfortable with, the feelings are not so intense, but yes, they are usually there at least somewhat. You don't see it, I like to think because I have learned to hide it so well. I am good at coping. With you I can laugh and I can have thoughts and opinions, but really, if my feelings are different than yours, these feelings come even harder because with you, I do fear something. I fear your disapproval. I fear losing your love. I do not know unconditional love when it comes to me.
With any of you, I try so hard to be what is pleasing, what is acceptable, what will avoid conflict or drawing much attention to myself.
I NEVER get to be just me.
If a little bit of medicine can stop my body from drowning me, or at least calm me down enough I can find the key and let myself out, how, why, would you deny me that?
Monday, December 17, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Tuesday with the Psychiatrist
Tuesday we again met with the psychiatrist. She is absolutely wonderful and brilliant. I feel like she pulls us right in as soon as we walk in her office, gets right to the point, and knows exactly what has been on my mind and what questions to ask. I had practiced what I was going to say to bring up what I needed to talk about but I didn't even have to- she did.
One thing we talked about is the mother's anxiety. She said, I don't remember if she gave an actual percent?, that a great deal of the time if the mother's anxiety is treated, the child's improves dramatically. People with anxiety and kids in general are often like emotional sponges. They soak up anything around them whether they even understand it or not. She told me of what she's seen and what I've had to say that makes her think that I should get my anxiety treated and see if that helps Rayne.
The truth is, I've been thinking for some time that I should get back on some medication for this. I know when I took it before, it kind of changed my life. It's like the only time in my life that I've felt normal and able to just exist. It's hard to explain how I feel most the time but I've been trying to figure it out. Jeff does not like the idea of taking "mind altering drugs." He's not completely unsupportive but he thinks I should be able to get control of myself in other ways. While he acknowledges that that doesn't mean it's easy, I don't think he really understands how I feel and how my brain/emotions/psyche all work. It's kind of discouraging for me. Well, quite discouraging. It makes me hesitate to get the help I feel I need because it makes me feel like I'm weak and doing things wrong etc etc. But, if it will help Rayne, I am willing to be brave enough to take that step. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday.
As for helping Rayne, we also talked about the pre-school they have at the Center. They call it a therapeutic pre-school and the therapists/teachers would know what she faces and how to help her deal with it. The classes are set up to get the kids talking and dealing with their issues. It would help her to practice separating from me, which is basically our goal in helping her deal with the anxiety. Get her to learn to cope and deal a bit on her own so she is empowered and able to grow into an independent person.
I think the idea of the pre-school sounds great and I'm somewhat trying to think of making it work and taking that step. But I hesitate a lot. It's five days a week for three hours a day. That's a long time for my little girl who can't even be in another room sometimes when we are home, to be away from me. I like the idea of her working with someone who could help her learn she's okay without me but I think it would be absolutely traumatic at first. I'm pretty sure she would have a full blown panic attack and to not be there to help her and let her know she's okay, no matter who is taking care of her, feels really wrong to me. But I do question if it's a step we should be taking. If it's my fear holding her back so she can't get past hers. This is something I need to think and pray about. Anyone have any thoughts? I'd like to know some other opinions.
We also talked to the psychiatrist about the therapy we've been going to. I told her that I don't feel like anything is changing and that I am a bit frustrated. She said it's not a big deal to try a different therapist. Typing now, I feel like isn't that great? Maybe we could just see if something clicks with someone else. It's not personal, it's just seeing if something else works. But at the time it was extremely difficult for me to say that. I told her that I don't want to say it like the therapist we've been working with isn't any good etc so she is going to talk to her and see what she has to say and just have us come back to the psychiatrist the next time, see how my "therapy" is going and then go from there.
So, I feel like we are at least going somewhere. There are things to do and try and that feels better. Sometimes I feel like we are making way too big a deal out of this. It's just who Rayne is and I just need to be there for her. Other times I worry so much about that poor girl. I just want her to be happy.
One thing we talked about is the mother's anxiety. She said, I don't remember if she gave an actual percent?, that a great deal of the time if the mother's anxiety is treated, the child's improves dramatically. People with anxiety and kids in general are often like emotional sponges. They soak up anything around them whether they even understand it or not. She told me of what she's seen and what I've had to say that makes her think that I should get my anxiety treated and see if that helps Rayne.
The truth is, I've been thinking for some time that I should get back on some medication for this. I know when I took it before, it kind of changed my life. It's like the only time in my life that I've felt normal and able to just exist. It's hard to explain how I feel most the time but I've been trying to figure it out. Jeff does not like the idea of taking "mind altering drugs." He's not completely unsupportive but he thinks I should be able to get control of myself in other ways. While he acknowledges that that doesn't mean it's easy, I don't think he really understands how I feel and how my brain/emotions/psyche all work. It's kind of discouraging for me. Well, quite discouraging. It makes me hesitate to get the help I feel I need because it makes me feel like I'm weak and doing things wrong etc etc. But, if it will help Rayne, I am willing to be brave enough to take that step. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday.
As for helping Rayne, we also talked about the pre-school they have at the Center. They call it a therapeutic pre-school and the therapists/teachers would know what she faces and how to help her deal with it. The classes are set up to get the kids talking and dealing with their issues. It would help her to practice separating from me, which is basically our goal in helping her deal with the anxiety. Get her to learn to cope and deal a bit on her own so she is empowered and able to grow into an independent person.
I think the idea of the pre-school sounds great and I'm somewhat trying to think of making it work and taking that step. But I hesitate a lot. It's five days a week for three hours a day. That's a long time for my little girl who can't even be in another room sometimes when we are home, to be away from me. I like the idea of her working with someone who could help her learn she's okay without me but I think it would be absolutely traumatic at first. I'm pretty sure she would have a full blown panic attack and to not be there to help her and let her know she's okay, no matter who is taking care of her, feels really wrong to me. But I do question if it's a step we should be taking. If it's my fear holding her back so she can't get past hers. This is something I need to think and pray about. Anyone have any thoughts? I'd like to know some other opinions.
We also talked to the psychiatrist about the therapy we've been going to. I told her that I don't feel like anything is changing and that I am a bit frustrated. She said it's not a big deal to try a different therapist. Typing now, I feel like isn't that great? Maybe we could just see if something clicks with someone else. It's not personal, it's just seeing if something else works. But at the time it was extremely difficult for me to say that. I told her that I don't want to say it like the therapist we've been working with isn't any good etc so she is going to talk to her and see what she has to say and just have us come back to the psychiatrist the next time, see how my "therapy" is going and then go from there.
So, I feel like we are at least going somewhere. There are things to do and try and that feels better. Sometimes I feel like we are making way too big a deal out of this. It's just who Rayne is and I just need to be there for her. Other times I worry so much about that poor girl. I just want her to be happy.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
This week's check-up: Being the Boss and Koasting the Wave
On my most recent post, the wonderful Melanie commented that you can't control your children. She also said that you have to be the boss.
I have never been good at being the boss. I can't make anyone do anything. I sometimes get so frustrated that my children don't know that they are supposed to do what I say and that I'm the one in charge. It's even more frustrating to realize that I don't believe these things. I try to say things with confidence and conviction so they know they are really supposed to do it and I'm really the boss, but if I don't feel it, how can that come across?
As I've thought on this this week, I've thought about the last job I had and the boss I had. She wasn't mean or "bossy." She didn't make us do stuff. But she could get us to do stuff. We had a good team, and I suppose that helped, but our boss was awesome. She would motivate us. She would get us on board. She would give us an assignment and completely be there to back us up but pretty much leave it to us to decide how to get it done and when to fit it into our schedules to meet the deadline.
Perhaps, even as a mother, being the boss isn't about being in control of them or making them do things and forcing behaviors. That wouldn't be very effective, especially not long term. Being the boss is about being in control of the situations, the jobs that need to be done. It's about motivating people. It's about knowing who can do what job, what jobs they need to do and providing ways for them to accomplish them.
I talk a lot to my sister Karen. She has a lot of insight into a lot of things. One of her phrases is "koast the wave." This week we were talking about me having a mathematical brain and needing things to line up and go the right way. I commented that I sometimes wonder if I'm really that way or if I learned to be that way. I suppose it doesn't matter. I think with children, while the whole time you are supposed to be in charge and in control and one step ahead... really when it comes down to it, you need to go with their flow. I can't make them pee or eat or sleep, but I can provide the means and circumstance conducive to doing these things. I can even make some rules about it all. And then, I have to get myself to sit back and just breathe.
So far, my "check up" posts haven't been what I originally intended. I wanted to talk about me and what I need and little goals I want to start making. But these other topics, as I've thought about them, have helped me get in touch with myself. I didn't want to write as mother or wife, but just me, having a moment to get back to me and maybe even let go of these other titles just for a moment to make sure I'm still there. Perhaps that's still coming.
I have never been good at being the boss. I can't make anyone do anything. I sometimes get so frustrated that my children don't know that they are supposed to do what I say and that I'm the one in charge. It's even more frustrating to realize that I don't believe these things. I try to say things with confidence and conviction so they know they are really supposed to do it and I'm really the boss, but if I don't feel it, how can that come across?
As I've thought on this this week, I've thought about the last job I had and the boss I had. She wasn't mean or "bossy." She didn't make us do stuff. But she could get us to do stuff. We had a good team, and I suppose that helped, but our boss was awesome. She would motivate us. She would get us on board. She would give us an assignment and completely be there to back us up but pretty much leave it to us to decide how to get it done and when to fit it into our schedules to meet the deadline.
Perhaps, even as a mother, being the boss isn't about being in control of them or making them do things and forcing behaviors. That wouldn't be very effective, especially not long term. Being the boss is about being in control of the situations, the jobs that need to be done. It's about motivating people. It's about knowing who can do what job, what jobs they need to do and providing ways for them to accomplish them.
I talk a lot to my sister Karen. She has a lot of insight into a lot of things. One of her phrases is "koast the wave." This week we were talking about me having a mathematical brain and needing things to line up and go the right way. I commented that I sometimes wonder if I'm really that way or if I learned to be that way. I suppose it doesn't matter. I think with children, while the whole time you are supposed to be in charge and in control and one step ahead... really when it comes down to it, you need to go with their flow. I can't make them pee or eat or sleep, but I can provide the means and circumstance conducive to doing these things. I can even make some rules about it all. And then, I have to get myself to sit back and just breathe.
So far, my "check up" posts haven't been what I originally intended. I wanted to talk about me and what I need and little goals I want to start making. But these other topics, as I've thought about them, have helped me get in touch with myself. I didn't want to write as mother or wife, but just me, having a moment to get back to me and maybe even let go of these other titles just for a moment to make sure I'm still there. Perhaps that's still coming.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
What am I doing???
I'm pretty sure I have it in my head that a good mother really would starve her children until they were hungry enough to eat what they were given. Of course, it's okay because it really wouldn't take starving them for them to realize they are hungry and this is what they get. But today is not the first time I have really felt like I am just going to throw out what is in my head and listen to what I almost know inside myself. My girl will NOT eat because she's hungry. They suggest cutting back on juice and other drinks so she's not filling up on that and not giving candy and other treats. Okay, I agree, she gets too much of that stuff but I also know from experience that it's not going to make her eat something she doesn't want to eat just because she didn't have that extra cup of juice today.
She is getting extremely picky though. I had decided to incorporate more of what she likes into our meals so that I know she will eat something. It seems like this has just made her more picky. An example, she loves canned peaches but this summer she wouldn't eat fresh ones even when I sliced them because of the red bit on the side that touched the pit. Even if I was meticulous about cutting it off, she wouldn't go for it. Okay then, canned it is, it's better than none right? But now she picks out so many "gross" pieces even out of the canned ones that it's beginning to not be worth giving them to her. Kraft dinner, an old stand by that at least I knew she was eating something and I'd sometimes sneak some baby food squash into it to make it a bit healthier, the last few times we've had it, she's too busy or it's too hot or by the time she gets to it, even though I try to make her come sooner, it's too cold and sticky.
I am seriously starting to worry! The doctor says she's okay because her weight is okay, she's getting enough calories even if her nutrition might be lacking. Well, for one that's not good enough for me! And two, so she has to waste away for a couple years before it shows up and then we can worry about it!?! Fine, she's probably not wasting away, but I don't think they get it when I say the girl doesn't eat!
Today Rayne wore underwear all day. She peed twice, neither time in the potty or toilet, and pretty early in the day. Then she didn't go ALL DAY! We kept trying to get her to try, we were nice, we were more forceful... the harder we tried, the more she insisted on not going. All the books say don't make a big deal out of it, she'll just resist further, but really??? I'm supposed to just stay calm and not worry and make her clean up her own accidents? Like that is working either! Anyway, I put her in the bath this afternoon and then put her pajamas on and decided to just let her wear a diaper and we'd try again tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was less than an hour and she was quite soggy. Had she just been holding it in all day waiting for a diaper!?
She doesn't want to do it!!!! I know I'm the mom and I'm supposed to make her but I can't force her to pee!!!! I even told her today I was starting to worry so we were going to work on it this week but if it doesn't work we might need to go to the doctor to make sure everything's okay. She's usually scared to death of the doctor and I didn't want to scare her but I thought it might click with her but all she did was tell me how brave she was when we went for her ear the last time. I thought when we ran out of pull ups and she had to go back to diapers, again I didn't want to embarrass her, but I thought it might motivate her, but she just doesn't care!!! I'm not really worried, but almost, that there's any kind of physical problem because she does go stand in the corner or away from us to pee. That's almost all the more frustrating! She knows how! She just won't.
It's really hard not to feel like a bad mom. Good moms get their kids potty trained at two years old, and for sure by three. They make them eat their vegetables. They take them to primary and pre-school and dance class and leave them and they have fun. Good moms do their hair and wear real clothes and do crafts and have hobbies and put the kids down for a nap in the afternoon. They certainly don't go crazy every afternoon and start yelling because no one is listening and they are so tired and frustrated and no one is listening anyway.
Going to therapy has established that there are some other issues here. That perhaps I'm not a bad mom and I may even be doing some things right. But in a way, it's just frustrated me. I'm not supposed to feel guilty that okay, maybe I didn't cause her to feel this way but I can't figure out how to fix it for her or help her feel any better? And it's extremely frustrating because no one is talking to me or giving me any skills or help in how to deal with these things. Sometimes I try to stop and think that it's just normal kid stuff, which by the way makes me feel worse that I can't get it right, but any "friends" I do have that give me advice or books I read make it seem like if I just did it right it would all work out. I don't know who to talk to.
I'm writing this thinking I won't post it, I just need to talk to myself. But if I don't post it, it will just get lost in my head and I need it out there where I can look at it and think about it. Someone said you can do a private blog? Maybe I should set one up. I suppose I don't expect many if any people read this so it doesn't matter if I publish it. Then I do and feel embarrassed for throwing so much personal stuff out there. Hmm... Mom? Melanie? If you happen to read this do you have any advice? Perhaps someone can just tell me, in a convincing way (boy I ask a lot!) that I'm not a complete failure in this!!!?
Oh and we put up our Christmas tree today and have had a lot of fun. So sorry to post this one instead... it's just that by bedtime I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I shall go drink hot chocolate and look at the tree and pray and think and BREATHE!
She is getting extremely picky though. I had decided to incorporate more of what she likes into our meals so that I know she will eat something. It seems like this has just made her more picky. An example, she loves canned peaches but this summer she wouldn't eat fresh ones even when I sliced them because of the red bit on the side that touched the pit. Even if I was meticulous about cutting it off, she wouldn't go for it. Okay then, canned it is, it's better than none right? But now she picks out so many "gross" pieces even out of the canned ones that it's beginning to not be worth giving them to her. Kraft dinner, an old stand by that at least I knew she was eating something and I'd sometimes sneak some baby food squash into it to make it a bit healthier, the last few times we've had it, she's too busy or it's too hot or by the time she gets to it, even though I try to make her come sooner, it's too cold and sticky.
I am seriously starting to worry! The doctor says she's okay because her weight is okay, she's getting enough calories even if her nutrition might be lacking. Well, for one that's not good enough for me! And two, so she has to waste away for a couple years before it shows up and then we can worry about it!?! Fine, she's probably not wasting away, but I don't think they get it when I say the girl doesn't eat!
Today Rayne wore underwear all day. She peed twice, neither time in the potty or toilet, and pretty early in the day. Then she didn't go ALL DAY! We kept trying to get her to try, we were nice, we were more forceful... the harder we tried, the more she insisted on not going. All the books say don't make a big deal out of it, she'll just resist further, but really??? I'm supposed to just stay calm and not worry and make her clean up her own accidents? Like that is working either! Anyway, I put her in the bath this afternoon and then put her pajamas on and decided to just let her wear a diaper and we'd try again tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it was less than an hour and she was quite soggy. Had she just been holding it in all day waiting for a diaper!?
She doesn't want to do it!!!! I know I'm the mom and I'm supposed to make her but I can't force her to pee!!!! I even told her today I was starting to worry so we were going to work on it this week but if it doesn't work we might need to go to the doctor to make sure everything's okay. She's usually scared to death of the doctor and I didn't want to scare her but I thought it might click with her but all she did was tell me how brave she was when we went for her ear the last time. I thought when we ran out of pull ups and she had to go back to diapers, again I didn't want to embarrass her, but I thought it might motivate her, but she just doesn't care!!! I'm not really worried, but almost, that there's any kind of physical problem because she does go stand in the corner or away from us to pee. That's almost all the more frustrating! She knows how! She just won't.
It's really hard not to feel like a bad mom. Good moms get their kids potty trained at two years old, and for sure by three. They make them eat their vegetables. They take them to primary and pre-school and dance class and leave them and they have fun. Good moms do their hair and wear real clothes and do crafts and have hobbies and put the kids down for a nap in the afternoon. They certainly don't go crazy every afternoon and start yelling because no one is listening and they are so tired and frustrated and no one is listening anyway.
Going to therapy has established that there are some other issues here. That perhaps I'm not a bad mom and I may even be doing some things right. But in a way, it's just frustrated me. I'm not supposed to feel guilty that okay, maybe I didn't cause her to feel this way but I can't figure out how to fix it for her or help her feel any better? And it's extremely frustrating because no one is talking to me or giving me any skills or help in how to deal with these things. Sometimes I try to stop and think that it's just normal kid stuff, which by the way makes me feel worse that I can't get it right, but any "friends" I do have that give me advice or books I read make it seem like if I just did it right it would all work out. I don't know who to talk to.
I'm writing this thinking I won't post it, I just need to talk to myself. But if I don't post it, it will just get lost in my head and I need it out there where I can look at it and think about it. Someone said you can do a private blog? Maybe I should set one up. I suppose I don't expect many if any people read this so it doesn't matter if I publish it. Then I do and feel embarrassed for throwing so much personal stuff out there. Hmm... Mom? Melanie? If you happen to read this do you have any advice? Perhaps someone can just tell me, in a convincing way (boy I ask a lot!) that I'm not a complete failure in this!!!?
Oh and we put up our Christmas tree today and have had a lot of fun. So sorry to post this one instead... it's just that by bedtime I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I shall go drink hot chocolate and look at the tree and pray and think and BREATHE!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
This week's check-up: Anger and Perfection
Yesterday I took Rayne to the doctor for an ear infection. I was glad Jeff went with us and on the way home I commented that I always want to talk to my mom after these things. I am so glad to have her support and that she cares. But I also admitted and/or realized that I often feel an obligation to talk to both our moms when I've done something like take the kids to the doctor because I feel I'm supposed to report to them. It's okay, they are both very loving and glad to be involved. It's just that I don't think I give myself credit as the authority or that I see myself as really being the mom. I have to report to someone else as if they are the boss or the one really in charge and this tells me that I am not. I need to step up and realize that I am the mom, I am the authority, this is my world. And that's okay too.
I have been extremely ornery and frustrated for quite a while now. I honestly hate myself sometimes for the way I behave. One thing I've acknowledged this week is that it's okay to feel what I feel, even if I don't like how I express it or the behavior that comes from me. This is important for me to realize. As the mother I need to know that it's okay to say no or to correct them and it's also okay if I feel frustrated or upset or hurt physically or emotionally. Somehow knowing this helps so that I don't have to "freak out."
The other thing I've realized is that I get angry because I think it's the only way anyone listens to me. I'm talking about other people, other grown ups in my life, not the kids, but, sadly, they are the ones to most often receive my anger. If I get really angry, I have the nerve to say what I need or to talk back to mean people. Therefore, in order for my defiant child, or even when she's sweet but in her own world, as the little one almost always is, and just not listening kids to hear what I'm telling them, I have to be angry and frustrated. Or perhaps I feel like no one else listens so why should they and THAT is the frustration that comes out. Whatever it is, I know that being angry doesn't help the situation. I can be sweetsy to them or I can yell and scream and the result is not different, there's just a lot of hurt feelings that go with it.
I also get angry because I'm trying to prove to people I feel judge me that I can be in charge and make my kids behave and I am a good mom. This bugs me. This week I'm trying to let go of this. It's not how I believe in taking care of my kids.
Rayne got her own shoes on to go to the doctor yesterday. She wore one black, sparkly church shoe and one bright pink, Croc style shoe. I tried to get her to at least change one so they matched, even though I would have preferred her to wear socks and sneakers to stay warm and better match the style of her clothes and the weather outside. When she insisted she wanted to wear those two shoes, I let her. I let her because I was angry at a world that forces us to look right. That I know there are people who will judge me for letting her go that way and because her hair, while I did pull it up in a pony tail, was messy and uncombed because she felt crappy and I didn't feel like bugging her anymore than I had to. I honestly felt torn. Is it "right" to make her wear matching shoes so that she doesn't get made fun of and we look appropriate? Like someday she'll wonder why her mom never made her do things she "should" do. Or is it right to let her have her self expression and somehow show her how to stick up for what she thinks, feels, wants, believes even if other people do make fun? I decided on the second one and it felt like a big step for me. A defining moment in my way of thinking.
I want to be brave enough to stop looking at what everyone else thinks. That's what all these things are about.
I've realized this week that perhaps I am as soft (ie. not strong), unconfrontational, quiet, reserved, too nice as people have always said and I maybe have been fighting to say I'm not for most my life. Talk louder they say. Stick up for yourself. Be in charge. Be strong. Etc etc. This week I have given up on that. Or at least I'm trying. I speak quietly; it doesn't sound quiet to me and if you want to hear what I say, perhaps you need to listen better. I am not bossy or in charge, even of my own children; I suppose we will have to figure something else out. But you know what? They both behave better and Rayne is much more calm, when I quit trying to boss and I think we will go much farther if I embrace my too nice, push over self than if I am always trying to fight it. I will always avoid confrontation.
This week I give up trying to be strong. I give up anger. I give up trying to impress people and be perfect- at least what I think they see as perfect. I embrace being perfectly me!
I have been extremely ornery and frustrated for quite a while now. I honestly hate myself sometimes for the way I behave. One thing I've acknowledged this week is that it's okay to feel what I feel, even if I don't like how I express it or the behavior that comes from me. This is important for me to realize. As the mother I need to know that it's okay to say no or to correct them and it's also okay if I feel frustrated or upset or hurt physically or emotionally. Somehow knowing this helps so that I don't have to "freak out."
The other thing I've realized is that I get angry because I think it's the only way anyone listens to me. I'm talking about other people, other grown ups in my life, not the kids, but, sadly, they are the ones to most often receive my anger. If I get really angry, I have the nerve to say what I need or to talk back to mean people. Therefore, in order for my defiant child, or even when she's sweet but in her own world, as the little one almost always is, and just not listening kids to hear what I'm telling them, I have to be angry and frustrated. Or perhaps I feel like no one else listens so why should they and THAT is the frustration that comes out. Whatever it is, I know that being angry doesn't help the situation. I can be sweetsy to them or I can yell and scream and the result is not different, there's just a lot of hurt feelings that go with it.
I also get angry because I'm trying to prove to people I feel judge me that I can be in charge and make my kids behave and I am a good mom. This bugs me. This week I'm trying to let go of this. It's not how I believe in taking care of my kids.
Rayne got her own shoes on to go to the doctor yesterday. She wore one black, sparkly church shoe and one bright pink, Croc style shoe. I tried to get her to at least change one so they matched, even though I would have preferred her to wear socks and sneakers to stay warm and better match the style of her clothes and the weather outside. When she insisted she wanted to wear those two shoes, I let her. I let her because I was angry at a world that forces us to look right. That I know there are people who will judge me for letting her go that way and because her hair, while I did pull it up in a pony tail, was messy and uncombed because she felt crappy and I didn't feel like bugging her anymore than I had to. I honestly felt torn. Is it "right" to make her wear matching shoes so that she doesn't get made fun of and we look appropriate? Like someday she'll wonder why her mom never made her do things she "should" do. Or is it right to let her have her self expression and somehow show her how to stick up for what she thinks, feels, wants, believes even if other people do make fun? I decided on the second one and it felt like a big step for me. A defining moment in my way of thinking.
I want to be brave enough to stop looking at what everyone else thinks. That's what all these things are about.
I've realized this week that perhaps I am as soft (ie. not strong), unconfrontational, quiet, reserved, too nice as people have always said and I maybe have been fighting to say I'm not for most my life. Talk louder they say. Stick up for yourself. Be in charge. Be strong. Etc etc. This week I have given up on that. Or at least I'm trying. I speak quietly; it doesn't sound quiet to me and if you want to hear what I say, perhaps you need to listen better. I am not bossy or in charge, even of my own children; I suppose we will have to figure something else out. But you know what? They both behave better and Rayne is much more calm, when I quit trying to boss and I think we will go much farther if I embrace my too nice, push over self than if I am always trying to fight it. I will always avoid confrontation.
This week I give up trying to be strong. I give up anger. I give up trying to impress people and be perfect- at least what I think they see as perfect. I embrace being perfectly me!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Doing math in my sailboat
Sometimes when doing a complicated math problem, and I mean the page long kind, I'd get to the end only to find I hadn't reached the intended or expected result. I could read through my work, scrutinizing each step, and still not be able to find my mistake. Many times, the best next thing to do would be to walk away, think about something else, often discarding the whole page in the trash trusting that the correct thinking would still be there when I revisited the problem later. In other words, sometimes the best approach was to start completely over.
Sometimes I feel like doing that as a parent. I don't mean discard my children (haha that's a joke), I mean discard all my thinking, all my analyzing and critiquing and scrutinizing, catch my breath and come back trusting that the right principles will still be found when I look at it all again.
I often feel like such a patsy (that's a funny expression. I'm using it correctly right? I just think it's a fitting word here) as a mother. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I don't take charge, why I'm not more structured and disciplined with my children. Other times I feel like I do nothing but harp on them all day and that I am too mean and ornery. I often simply don't know what I'm doing and feel completely lost. But I think that if I could just step away for a minute, I might have some ideas of what I think is right. Every long once in a while I find myself responding back to my self criticism with what I really think.
What I'd like to throw away as I realize I'm not reaching the intended results:
*Caring what anyone else thinks. I know this should be an easy one, at least according to some people. But I think I worry so much what everyone thinks and I project so much into their responses or reactions etc. I want to get that out of my working solution.
*Things from the past? Can I say that? Like I want to make them not exist. Obviously I can't do that but maybe somehow I could throw them away so they don't have an effect on my thinking and acting? Like living with other people and feeling, both times, like I didn't really have a home to bring my baby to. Being scared and feeling like a child, and I'll point out a child like I never was in my own home growing up- disrespected, ill-considered- when I was supposed to be becoming a mother. Losing faith in my significant other, perhaps being disillusioned. Somehow giving up my choices, my right to exist and have say in my own life because of a lack of money.
*Trying to be perfect. This is such a hard one for me. It's like I'm afraid of letting go of this drive. I don't know what I'm afraid of and I suppose it doesn't matter. But I just am constantly looking at myself and what I'm doing and if it's right and how it could be better and what's wrong and could use improvement. Being afraid of making choices because I might get them wrong. Looking for answers, asking everyone I think might have some insight what they think. Not trusting myself because I'm not an authority on the subject only to find out I know as much or more as the "experts" which, by the way is unsettling. Reaching for some picture I don't know if it's really even formed in my head of what it's all supposed to look like. Thinking I can fix it all. Thinking if I was just doing it right, it would all flow nicely and no one would ever be sad or upset or argue and they would just do what they were supposed to do and we'd all just be perfect. Like that's really what I want for my children?
I had the thought the other day that I need to take charge of this ship- not sure why I said it that way- but I got a picture in my head of a racing boat, motorized, sleek, going fast toward a passage through something in the water and I thought "but I don't want to drive that boat. We are sitting over here in our sail boat, laughing and enjoying the scenery." THAT, perhaps, is what I need to identify. My little sail boat on the water of life.
Sometimes I feel like doing that as a parent. I don't mean discard my children (haha that's a joke), I mean discard all my thinking, all my analyzing and critiquing and scrutinizing, catch my breath and come back trusting that the right principles will still be found when I look at it all again.
I often feel like such a patsy (that's a funny expression. I'm using it correctly right? I just think it's a fitting word here) as a mother. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I don't take charge, why I'm not more structured and disciplined with my children. Other times I feel like I do nothing but harp on them all day and that I am too mean and ornery. I often simply don't know what I'm doing and feel completely lost. But I think that if I could just step away for a minute, I might have some ideas of what I think is right. Every long once in a while I find myself responding back to my self criticism with what I really think.
What I'd like to throw away as I realize I'm not reaching the intended results:
*Caring what anyone else thinks. I know this should be an easy one, at least according to some people. But I think I worry so much what everyone thinks and I project so much into their responses or reactions etc. I want to get that out of my working solution.
*Things from the past? Can I say that? Like I want to make them not exist. Obviously I can't do that but maybe somehow I could throw them away so they don't have an effect on my thinking and acting? Like living with other people and feeling, both times, like I didn't really have a home to bring my baby to. Being scared and feeling like a child, and I'll point out a child like I never was in my own home growing up- disrespected, ill-considered- when I was supposed to be becoming a mother. Losing faith in my significant other, perhaps being disillusioned. Somehow giving up my choices, my right to exist and have say in my own life because of a lack of money.
*Trying to be perfect. This is such a hard one for me. It's like I'm afraid of letting go of this drive. I don't know what I'm afraid of and I suppose it doesn't matter. But I just am constantly looking at myself and what I'm doing and if it's right and how it could be better and what's wrong and could use improvement. Being afraid of making choices because I might get them wrong. Looking for answers, asking everyone I think might have some insight what they think. Not trusting myself because I'm not an authority on the subject only to find out I know as much or more as the "experts" which, by the way is unsettling. Reaching for some picture I don't know if it's really even formed in my head of what it's all supposed to look like. Thinking I can fix it all. Thinking if I was just doing it right, it would all flow nicely and no one would ever be sad or upset or argue and they would just do what they were supposed to do and we'd all just be perfect. Like that's really what I want for my children?
I had the thought the other day that I need to take charge of this ship- not sure why I said it that way- but I got a picture in my head of a racing boat, motorized, sleek, going fast toward a passage through something in the water and I thought "but I don't want to drive that boat. We are sitting over here in our sail boat, laughing and enjoying the scenery." THAT, perhaps, is what I need to identify. My little sail boat on the water of life.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Therapy this week
I left therapy today feeling quite discouraged. The thought that kept going through my mind was "It's the mom's fault. It's always the mom's fault. And I'm really on my own."
I don't know why I felt like this but I did.
I don't think we are really clicking with the therapist. Being me, I feel bad saying that and like it's just an excuse or something. I've kind of felt like that from the start. She was/is much different than I imagined and I feel like there's just a certain... disconnect?
Today we tried to play with puppets to act out what Rayne would feel if she has to stay alone without Mommy. She was able to pick out a puppet to be her and one to be me. As we started talking/playing and the Mommy puppet said she had to go and leave Rayne home, I watched the real Rayne tense up a lot. I watched her struggle to explain that it wasn't a good idea and she doesn't like to be without Mommy. It was hard to get Rayne to really get into it, she was more interested in picking out the puppets, and I almost felt like Kate (the therapist) seemed put off by that when I felt like she should know how to pull Rayne back in or something. Rayne the puppet did say it was okay if she stayed with Grandma or Daddy but she first said that she didn't want Mommy and Daddy to leave.
Kate asked if we are involved in a church which is something I felt we'd talked about significantly before, our experience at church, so it kind of felt discouraging that she didn't even remember. I mean I know it's a long time between our visits and I'm sure she sees lots of people but... isn't that we are there for? She suggested a few things for helping Rayne stay in her class without me but I feel like, while they were good ideas, they rather simplified how it would go over. Like just hand her a scarf that smells like you that she can hang onto and everything will be fine. I'm pretty sure that's not what was meant but it kinda felt that way.
We talked a bit about me and asking for help and getting Daddy involved more. I admitted to not knowing how to ask for help or be assertive but didn't get much feedback on that either. Perhaps that's why I left so discouraged and feeling alone. Perhaps I felt like admitting to these things makes it obvious that it really is the Mama not fixing things here.
I'll think on things some more and perhaps have a better resolve tomorrow. Oh, I was going to say that between today and the last time we visited with Kate, we saw the psychiatrist. She seemed to immediately pull Rayne in to some sort of safety net. She still challenged her but Rayne seemed to warm up a lot faster to her. And she talked to me. I realize their roles are different and the purpose of the visits are different but this is kind of what got me thinking that perhaps it's just a personality thing not clicking with Kate. I don't doubt she knows what she is doing, I just wondered in comparison, if we might click with someone else better.
I don't know why I felt like this but I did.
I don't think we are really clicking with the therapist. Being me, I feel bad saying that and like it's just an excuse or something. I've kind of felt like that from the start. She was/is much different than I imagined and I feel like there's just a certain... disconnect?
Today we tried to play with puppets to act out what Rayne would feel if she has to stay alone without Mommy. She was able to pick out a puppet to be her and one to be me. As we started talking/playing and the Mommy puppet said she had to go and leave Rayne home, I watched the real Rayne tense up a lot. I watched her struggle to explain that it wasn't a good idea and she doesn't like to be without Mommy. It was hard to get Rayne to really get into it, she was more interested in picking out the puppets, and I almost felt like Kate (the therapist) seemed put off by that when I felt like she should know how to pull Rayne back in or something. Rayne the puppet did say it was okay if she stayed with Grandma or Daddy but she first said that she didn't want Mommy and Daddy to leave.
Kate asked if we are involved in a church which is something I felt we'd talked about significantly before, our experience at church, so it kind of felt discouraging that she didn't even remember. I mean I know it's a long time between our visits and I'm sure she sees lots of people but... isn't that we are there for? She suggested a few things for helping Rayne stay in her class without me but I feel like, while they were good ideas, they rather simplified how it would go over. Like just hand her a scarf that smells like you that she can hang onto and everything will be fine. I'm pretty sure that's not what was meant but it kinda felt that way.
We talked a bit about me and asking for help and getting Daddy involved more. I admitted to not knowing how to ask for help or be assertive but didn't get much feedback on that either. Perhaps that's why I left so discouraged and feeling alone. Perhaps I felt like admitting to these things makes it obvious that it really is the Mama not fixing things here.
I'll think on things some more and perhaps have a better resolve tomorrow. Oh, I was going to say that between today and the last time we visited with Kate, we saw the psychiatrist. She seemed to immediately pull Rayne in to some sort of safety net. She still challenged her but Rayne seemed to warm up a lot faster to her. And she talked to me. I realize their roles are different and the purpose of the visits are different but this is kind of what got me thinking that perhaps it's just a personality thing not clicking with Kate. I don't doubt she knows what she is doing, I just wondered in comparison, if we might click with someone else better.
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