Yesterday I took Rayne to the doctor for an ear infection. I was glad Jeff went with us and on the way home I commented that I always want to talk to my mom after these things. I am so glad to have her support and that she cares. But I also admitted and/or realized that I often feel an obligation to talk to both our moms when I've done something like take the kids to the doctor because I feel I'm supposed to report to them. It's okay, they are both very loving and glad to be involved. It's just that I don't think I give myself credit as the authority or that I see myself as really being the mom. I have to report to someone else as if they are the boss or the one really in charge and this tells me that I am not. I need to step up and realize that I am the mom, I am the authority, this is my world. And that's okay too.
I have been extremely ornery and frustrated for quite a while now. I honestly hate myself sometimes for the way I behave. One thing I've acknowledged this week is that it's okay to feel what I feel, even if I don't like how I express it or the behavior that comes from me. This is important for me to realize. As the mother I need to know that it's okay to say no or to correct them and it's also okay if I feel frustrated or upset or hurt physically or emotionally. Somehow knowing this helps so that I don't have to "freak out."
The other thing I've realized is that I get angry because I think it's the only way anyone listens to me. I'm talking about other people, other grown ups in my life, not the kids, but, sadly, they are the ones to most often receive my anger. If I get really angry, I have the nerve to say what I need or to talk back to mean people. Therefore, in order for my defiant child, or even when she's sweet but in her own world, as the little one almost always is, and just not listening kids to hear what I'm telling them, I have to be angry and frustrated. Or perhaps I feel like no one else listens so why should they and THAT is the frustration that comes out. Whatever it is, I know that being angry doesn't help the situation. I can be sweetsy to them or I can yell and scream and the result is not different, there's just a lot of hurt feelings that go with it.
I also get angry because I'm trying to prove to people I feel judge me that I can be in charge and make my kids behave and I am a good mom. This bugs me. This week I'm trying to let go of this. It's not how I believe in taking care of my kids.
Rayne got her own shoes on to go to the doctor yesterday. She wore one black, sparkly church shoe and one bright pink, Croc style shoe. I tried to get her to at least change one so they matched, even though I would have preferred her to wear socks and sneakers to stay warm and better match the style of her clothes and the weather outside. When she insisted she wanted to wear those two shoes, I let her. I let her because I was angry at a world that forces us to look right. That I know there are people who will judge me for letting her go that way and because her hair, while I did pull it up in a pony tail, was messy and uncombed because she felt crappy and I didn't feel like bugging her anymore than I had to. I honestly felt torn. Is it "right" to make her wear matching shoes so that she doesn't get made fun of and we look appropriate? Like someday she'll wonder why her mom never made her do things she "should" do. Or is it right to let her have her self expression and somehow show her how to stick up for what she thinks, feels, wants, believes even if other people do make fun? I decided on the second one and it felt like a big step for me. A defining moment in my way of thinking.
I want to be brave enough to stop looking at what everyone else thinks. That's what all these things are about.
I've realized this week that perhaps I am as soft (ie. not strong), unconfrontational, quiet, reserved, too nice as people have always said and I maybe have been fighting to say I'm not for most my life. Talk louder they say. Stick up for yourself. Be in charge. Be strong. Etc etc. This week I have given up on that. Or at least I'm trying. I speak quietly; it doesn't sound quiet to me and if you want to hear what I say, perhaps you need to listen better. I am not bossy or in charge, even of my own children; I suppose we will have to figure something else out. But you know what? They both behave better and Rayne is much more calm, when I quit trying to boss and I think we will go much farther if I embrace my too nice, push over self than if I am always trying to fight it. I will always avoid confrontation.
This week I give up trying to be strong. I give up anger. I give up trying to impress people and be perfect- at least what I think they see as perfect. I embrace being perfectly me!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Doing math in my sailboat
Sometimes when doing a complicated math problem, and I mean the page long kind, I'd get to the end only to find I hadn't reached the intended or expected result. I could read through my work, scrutinizing each step, and still not be able to find my mistake. Many times, the best next thing to do would be to walk away, think about something else, often discarding the whole page in the trash trusting that the correct thinking would still be there when I revisited the problem later. In other words, sometimes the best approach was to start completely over.
Sometimes I feel like doing that as a parent. I don't mean discard my children (haha that's a joke), I mean discard all my thinking, all my analyzing and critiquing and scrutinizing, catch my breath and come back trusting that the right principles will still be found when I look at it all again.
I often feel like such a patsy (that's a funny expression. I'm using it correctly right? I just think it's a fitting word here) as a mother. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I don't take charge, why I'm not more structured and disciplined with my children. Other times I feel like I do nothing but harp on them all day and that I am too mean and ornery. I often simply don't know what I'm doing and feel completely lost. But I think that if I could just step away for a minute, I might have some ideas of what I think is right. Every long once in a while I find myself responding back to my self criticism with what I really think.
What I'd like to throw away as I realize I'm not reaching the intended results:
*Caring what anyone else thinks. I know this should be an easy one, at least according to some people. But I think I worry so much what everyone thinks and I project so much into their responses or reactions etc. I want to get that out of my working solution.
*Things from the past? Can I say that? Like I want to make them not exist. Obviously I can't do that but maybe somehow I could throw them away so they don't have an effect on my thinking and acting? Like living with other people and feeling, both times, like I didn't really have a home to bring my baby to. Being scared and feeling like a child, and I'll point out a child like I never was in my own home growing up- disrespected, ill-considered- when I was supposed to be becoming a mother. Losing faith in my significant other, perhaps being disillusioned. Somehow giving up my choices, my right to exist and have say in my own life because of a lack of money.
*Trying to be perfect. This is such a hard one for me. It's like I'm afraid of letting go of this drive. I don't know what I'm afraid of and I suppose it doesn't matter. But I just am constantly looking at myself and what I'm doing and if it's right and how it could be better and what's wrong and could use improvement. Being afraid of making choices because I might get them wrong. Looking for answers, asking everyone I think might have some insight what they think. Not trusting myself because I'm not an authority on the subject only to find out I know as much or more as the "experts" which, by the way is unsettling. Reaching for some picture I don't know if it's really even formed in my head of what it's all supposed to look like. Thinking I can fix it all. Thinking if I was just doing it right, it would all flow nicely and no one would ever be sad or upset or argue and they would just do what they were supposed to do and we'd all just be perfect. Like that's really what I want for my children?
I had the thought the other day that I need to take charge of this ship- not sure why I said it that way- but I got a picture in my head of a racing boat, motorized, sleek, going fast toward a passage through something in the water and I thought "but I don't want to drive that boat. We are sitting over here in our sail boat, laughing and enjoying the scenery." THAT, perhaps, is what I need to identify. My little sail boat on the water of life.
Sometimes I feel like doing that as a parent. I don't mean discard my children (haha that's a joke), I mean discard all my thinking, all my analyzing and critiquing and scrutinizing, catch my breath and come back trusting that the right principles will still be found when I look at it all again.
I often feel like such a patsy (that's a funny expression. I'm using it correctly right? I just think it's a fitting word here) as a mother. I'm sure people look at me and wonder why I don't take charge, why I'm not more structured and disciplined with my children. Other times I feel like I do nothing but harp on them all day and that I am too mean and ornery. I often simply don't know what I'm doing and feel completely lost. But I think that if I could just step away for a minute, I might have some ideas of what I think is right. Every long once in a while I find myself responding back to my self criticism with what I really think.
What I'd like to throw away as I realize I'm not reaching the intended results:
*Caring what anyone else thinks. I know this should be an easy one, at least according to some people. But I think I worry so much what everyone thinks and I project so much into their responses or reactions etc. I want to get that out of my working solution.
*Things from the past? Can I say that? Like I want to make them not exist. Obviously I can't do that but maybe somehow I could throw them away so they don't have an effect on my thinking and acting? Like living with other people and feeling, both times, like I didn't really have a home to bring my baby to. Being scared and feeling like a child, and I'll point out a child like I never was in my own home growing up- disrespected, ill-considered- when I was supposed to be becoming a mother. Losing faith in my significant other, perhaps being disillusioned. Somehow giving up my choices, my right to exist and have say in my own life because of a lack of money.
*Trying to be perfect. This is such a hard one for me. It's like I'm afraid of letting go of this drive. I don't know what I'm afraid of and I suppose it doesn't matter. But I just am constantly looking at myself and what I'm doing and if it's right and how it could be better and what's wrong and could use improvement. Being afraid of making choices because I might get them wrong. Looking for answers, asking everyone I think might have some insight what they think. Not trusting myself because I'm not an authority on the subject only to find out I know as much or more as the "experts" which, by the way is unsettling. Reaching for some picture I don't know if it's really even formed in my head of what it's all supposed to look like. Thinking I can fix it all. Thinking if I was just doing it right, it would all flow nicely and no one would ever be sad or upset or argue and they would just do what they were supposed to do and we'd all just be perfect. Like that's really what I want for my children?
I had the thought the other day that I need to take charge of this ship- not sure why I said it that way- but I got a picture in my head of a racing boat, motorized, sleek, going fast toward a passage through something in the water and I thought "but I don't want to drive that boat. We are sitting over here in our sail boat, laughing and enjoying the scenery." THAT, perhaps, is what I need to identify. My little sail boat on the water of life.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Therapy this week
I left therapy today feeling quite discouraged. The thought that kept going through my mind was "It's the mom's fault. It's always the mom's fault. And I'm really on my own."
I don't know why I felt like this but I did.
I don't think we are really clicking with the therapist. Being me, I feel bad saying that and like it's just an excuse or something. I've kind of felt like that from the start. She was/is much different than I imagined and I feel like there's just a certain... disconnect?
Today we tried to play with puppets to act out what Rayne would feel if she has to stay alone without Mommy. She was able to pick out a puppet to be her and one to be me. As we started talking/playing and the Mommy puppet said she had to go and leave Rayne home, I watched the real Rayne tense up a lot. I watched her struggle to explain that it wasn't a good idea and she doesn't like to be without Mommy. It was hard to get Rayne to really get into it, she was more interested in picking out the puppets, and I almost felt like Kate (the therapist) seemed put off by that when I felt like she should know how to pull Rayne back in or something. Rayne the puppet did say it was okay if she stayed with Grandma or Daddy but she first said that she didn't want Mommy and Daddy to leave.
Kate asked if we are involved in a church which is something I felt we'd talked about significantly before, our experience at church, so it kind of felt discouraging that she didn't even remember. I mean I know it's a long time between our visits and I'm sure she sees lots of people but... isn't that we are there for? She suggested a few things for helping Rayne stay in her class without me but I feel like, while they were good ideas, they rather simplified how it would go over. Like just hand her a scarf that smells like you that she can hang onto and everything will be fine. I'm pretty sure that's not what was meant but it kinda felt that way.
We talked a bit about me and asking for help and getting Daddy involved more. I admitted to not knowing how to ask for help or be assertive but didn't get much feedback on that either. Perhaps that's why I left so discouraged and feeling alone. Perhaps I felt like admitting to these things makes it obvious that it really is the Mama not fixing things here.
I'll think on things some more and perhaps have a better resolve tomorrow. Oh, I was going to say that between today and the last time we visited with Kate, we saw the psychiatrist. She seemed to immediately pull Rayne in to some sort of safety net. She still challenged her but Rayne seemed to warm up a lot faster to her. And she talked to me. I realize their roles are different and the purpose of the visits are different but this is kind of what got me thinking that perhaps it's just a personality thing not clicking with Kate. I don't doubt she knows what she is doing, I just wondered in comparison, if we might click with someone else better.
I don't know why I felt like this but I did.
I don't think we are really clicking with the therapist. Being me, I feel bad saying that and like it's just an excuse or something. I've kind of felt like that from the start. She was/is much different than I imagined and I feel like there's just a certain... disconnect?
Today we tried to play with puppets to act out what Rayne would feel if she has to stay alone without Mommy. She was able to pick out a puppet to be her and one to be me. As we started talking/playing and the Mommy puppet said she had to go and leave Rayne home, I watched the real Rayne tense up a lot. I watched her struggle to explain that it wasn't a good idea and she doesn't like to be without Mommy. It was hard to get Rayne to really get into it, she was more interested in picking out the puppets, and I almost felt like Kate (the therapist) seemed put off by that when I felt like she should know how to pull Rayne back in or something. Rayne the puppet did say it was okay if she stayed with Grandma or Daddy but she first said that she didn't want Mommy and Daddy to leave.
Kate asked if we are involved in a church which is something I felt we'd talked about significantly before, our experience at church, so it kind of felt discouraging that she didn't even remember. I mean I know it's a long time between our visits and I'm sure she sees lots of people but... isn't that we are there for? She suggested a few things for helping Rayne stay in her class without me but I feel like, while they were good ideas, they rather simplified how it would go over. Like just hand her a scarf that smells like you that she can hang onto and everything will be fine. I'm pretty sure that's not what was meant but it kinda felt that way.
We talked a bit about me and asking for help and getting Daddy involved more. I admitted to not knowing how to ask for help or be assertive but didn't get much feedback on that either. Perhaps that's why I left so discouraged and feeling alone. Perhaps I felt like admitting to these things makes it obvious that it really is the Mama not fixing things here.
I'll think on things some more and perhaps have a better resolve tomorrow. Oh, I was going to say that between today and the last time we visited with Kate, we saw the psychiatrist. She seemed to immediately pull Rayne in to some sort of safety net. She still challenged her but Rayne seemed to warm up a lot faster to her. And she talked to me. I realize their roles are different and the purpose of the visits are different but this is kind of what got me thinking that perhaps it's just a personality thing not clicking with Kate. I don't doubt she knows what she is doing, I just wondered in comparison, if we might click with someone else better.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Riddle Me This
Lately Rayne responds to just about everything with "I have an idea. Okay. What if we..." Generally she just switches the order of the few things I have just said we are going to do. She wants to have a snack before we put on pajamas when I've said it the other way. That's okay, she's just trying to have a choice in it. Other times it's a bit more complicated. Times when I have to insist we do things my way, she often, thank goodness!, will say "I said let's do my idea TOMORROW." Again, she's trying to be in control and save face. It's kind of cute. If she's in a bad mood, her response right from the start is more like "You're not listening to my idea!!!!!" or "You're messing up my idea!!!!!" before she's even told me an idea.
However it goes, by the end of the day I'm often exhausted and even her charming "I have an idea" can be overwhelming to me. I'd just like..........
....... to get some
thing done with.............
.................... out
a stum --
-----bling
........ block
!
Since I got pregnant with Rayne, it has been important to me to sing to my babies. It's not that I have a great voice. I just think it's comforting for a baby, especially a newborn, to hear it's mother's voice. I usually sing primary songs and I've wanted my children to know the tunes. I find they set the mood, especially at bed time. And mostly, it's my small way of sharing what I believe with them everyday.
Before Caius was born, so Rayne was less than two years old, she started getting mad at me when I would sing at night. My all time favorite song is Away in a Manger and she would say "no Jesus song!" Again, cute and funny but a slight bit frustrating. More recently she very firmly tells me "NO singing!" when I start to sing at bed time. Not all the time but sometimes. She doesn't even have to be in a bad mood to say it.
Generally I try to put the kids to bed separately, but given that I'm usually on my own, we often end up all in the same room together. So Caius has picked up on the no singing thing. My sweet angel boy recently told me "mm-mmm sing!" (how do you spell uh-uh with mm?) It was quite sad. I didn't think I sound that bad! Well, true to her nature, after hearing me tell this to Daddy or Grandma, the next time Rayne was in the room with Caius at bedtime and he said "mm-mmm sing!" she piped in with "I love to hear you sing. Sing out loud. Sing the words! (instead of hum)."
What a little stinker! I'm just sure it's only because he is saying no that she is saying yes. What do I do with this kid!?
I'm sure within these stories, and others I could tell, these are just the best and most recent, are the mysteries that are Rayne. I feel a need to take notes and remember all this. Someday... well, why someday, perhaps today!... if I could figure this out, I could find the secret to getting Rayne to do what she's supposed to. Ah yes! There were days not long ago that it was a game to her to make me tell her not to eat her dinner so that she would/could. Daddy didn't think it was a good game and I had my doubts, but it was working. I just think that in real practice, it has to be more subtle reverse psychology.
However it goes, by the end of the day I'm often exhausted and even her charming "I have an idea" can be overwhelming to me. I'd just like..........
....... to get some
thing done with.............
.................... out
a stum --
-----bling
........ block
!
Since I got pregnant with Rayne, it has been important to me to sing to my babies. It's not that I have a great voice. I just think it's comforting for a baby, especially a newborn, to hear it's mother's voice. I usually sing primary songs and I've wanted my children to know the tunes. I find they set the mood, especially at bed time. And mostly, it's my small way of sharing what I believe with them everyday.
Before Caius was born, so Rayne was less than two years old, she started getting mad at me when I would sing at night. My all time favorite song is Away in a Manger and she would say "no Jesus song!" Again, cute and funny but a slight bit frustrating. More recently she very firmly tells me "NO singing!" when I start to sing at bed time. Not all the time but sometimes. She doesn't even have to be in a bad mood to say it.
Generally I try to put the kids to bed separately, but given that I'm usually on my own, we often end up all in the same room together. So Caius has picked up on the no singing thing. My sweet angel boy recently told me "mm-mmm sing!" (how do you spell uh-uh with mm?) It was quite sad. I didn't think I sound that bad! Well, true to her nature, after hearing me tell this to Daddy or Grandma, the next time Rayne was in the room with Caius at bedtime and he said "mm-mmm sing!" she piped in with "I love to hear you sing. Sing out loud. Sing the words! (instead of hum)."
What a little stinker! I'm just sure it's only because he is saying no that she is saying yes. What do I do with this kid!?
I'm sure within these stories, and others I could tell, these are just the best and most recent, are the mysteries that are Rayne. I feel a need to take notes and remember all this. Someday... well, why someday, perhaps today!... if I could figure this out, I could find the secret to getting Rayne to do what she's supposed to. Ah yes! There were days not long ago that it was a game to her to make me tell her not to eat her dinner so that she would/could. Daddy didn't think it was a good game and I had my doubts, but it was working. I just think that in real practice, it has to be more subtle reverse psychology.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Another visit with Sunday
My kids made it almost all the way through sacrament meeting IN the meeting. I'm not really sure how it happened. I tried to plan snacks and quiet toys but it's not like I haven't tried that before. It was the primary program today so I talked that up and wanted Rayne to see the kids but she didn't seem much interested once it started so I don't know that that made any difference. Whatever it was, yea! Perhaps we've made some progress or maybe it was just a random week.
Nursery went well too. I had planned and even talked to Rayne about going to Mommy's class. Even once we got there, she said she wanted to go to my class. But no one was there to leave Caius with (I'm still having a hard time with that idea anyway) until right when meetings start. Because I'm often there helping, people kind of looked at me like they expected me to be there and by then Rayne was playing and didn't want to leave. I told her we could if she wanted to. At one point when she seemed to be getting flustered, I asked if we needed to take a walk so she could catch her breath but she didn't want to leave her toys and that seemed to calm her down.
The day at home was nice too. It doesn't seem very Sunday like but I did spend the morning cleaning up which I actually think helped my mood. Not just the clean house but doing something productive. Also, as bad as this sounds, working helps me have my thoughts rather than just focusing on what the kids are doing/wanting/saying. It took me several attempts and somehow finally agreeing with Rayne that we could just stay home all day before I could get in the shower. By the time I came out, I asked if she had changed her mind and wanted to go to church and she said yes. She wore a new dress and felt like a princess. Caius looked adorable in his preppy striped shirt and corduroy pants.
We all came home hungry and got a bit fussy and the dinner took too long to cook and I was the only one that wanted to eat it and it wasn't a perfect day, but still, I feel like Sundays are getting back to what they should be. Or maybe I'm figuring out what they should be. Let's hope so anyway.
Things I may have learned:
Don't try to MAKE the day, ENJOY the day.
Food is a big part of the day. Snacks at church and maybe with late meetings even a throw it in the oven dinner takes too long after church. Have a big meal, perhaps brunch?, before church and come home to sandwiches and snacky type food. Of course once I figure this one out, we'll be back at 9 a.m. meetings!
I would like to make it a bit more reverent somehow. I've decided the kids are just a bit little for this, but there must be things I can do... music, books, different shows to watch than what they watch everyday?
Nursery went well too. I had planned and even talked to Rayne about going to Mommy's class. Even once we got there, she said she wanted to go to my class. But no one was there to leave Caius with (I'm still having a hard time with that idea anyway) until right when meetings start. Because I'm often there helping, people kind of looked at me like they expected me to be there and by then Rayne was playing and didn't want to leave. I told her we could if she wanted to. At one point when she seemed to be getting flustered, I asked if we needed to take a walk so she could catch her breath but she didn't want to leave her toys and that seemed to calm her down.
The day at home was nice too. It doesn't seem very Sunday like but I did spend the morning cleaning up which I actually think helped my mood. Not just the clean house but doing something productive. Also, as bad as this sounds, working helps me have my thoughts rather than just focusing on what the kids are doing/wanting/saying. It took me several attempts and somehow finally agreeing with Rayne that we could just stay home all day before I could get in the shower. By the time I came out, I asked if she had changed her mind and wanted to go to church and she said yes. She wore a new dress and felt like a princess. Caius looked adorable in his preppy striped shirt and corduroy pants.
We all came home hungry and got a bit fussy and the dinner took too long to cook and I was the only one that wanted to eat it and it wasn't a perfect day, but still, I feel like Sundays are getting back to what they should be. Or maybe I'm figuring out what they should be. Let's hope so anyway.
Things I may have learned:
Don't try to MAKE the day, ENJOY the day.
Food is a big part of the day. Snacks at church and maybe with late meetings even a throw it in the oven dinner takes too long after church. Have a big meal, perhaps brunch?, before church and come home to sandwiches and snacky type food. Of course once I figure this one out, we'll be back at 9 a.m. meetings!
I would like to make it a bit more reverent somehow. I've decided the kids are just a bit little for this, but there must be things I can do... music, books, different shows to watch than what they watch everyday?
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Checking in on Me
I've decided to try to blog once a week to check in on myself and where I'm at. My last post was a lot more negative than I had intended (thanks for your comments btw Mom!) and I just want to start setting some goals and getting in touch with myself. I think my mom's comment is correct... you have children and it changes your life. You are NOT the same person and now is just my time to start redefining or restructuring or something.
I guess this is kind of personal for a blog, given that blogs are public... but I suppose they are only as public as they are interesting and I like this format for some of my journaling. It's usually about the only journal writing I do. So anyway, this week...
We have made great strides to eat more fruits and vegetables this week. I thought I didn't do too badly with this but making a conscious effort has made a big difference. I have also cut back on sugar and caffeine which seems to have helped enormously already. And probably the biggest thing I've done is I started doing a yoga video before I go to bed at night. I think it will change my life if I keep it up!
It's a short and relatively simple video but it feels really good! I'm stretching and flexing and connecting physically to my body. Mentally my mind just goes and I realize how little time I have during the day for my own thoughts. I try to just let them go. As the video suggests, let my mind become a casual observer... and it works! I've been sleeping better when I am asleep. I don't wake up with my back hurting, among other aches and pains that were making me feel old before my time. And my mood has been elevated immensely. It's very exciting!
I've worn make-up a bit more often this week but have also been feeling like it's not THAT important, which is a nice thing to remember. I want to wear it to feel better not so I don't feel ugly; it's a subtle difference but one I need to figure out.
Recently I subscribed to a couple magazines, Parents and Better Homes and Gardens (I feel like such a grown up). Having them sitting on the counter has given me some pretty pictures to look at and a few interesting articles to think about. At least it's a start.
This week my goals will be to continue. Thanksgiving is Thursday and I'm excited to have my family out to my house. I hope to think this week about some goals for myself for the coming weeks.
I guess this is kind of personal for a blog, given that blogs are public... but I suppose they are only as public as they are interesting and I like this format for some of my journaling. It's usually about the only journal writing I do. So anyway, this week...
We have made great strides to eat more fruits and vegetables this week. I thought I didn't do too badly with this but making a conscious effort has made a big difference. I have also cut back on sugar and caffeine which seems to have helped enormously already. And probably the biggest thing I've done is I started doing a yoga video before I go to bed at night. I think it will change my life if I keep it up!
It's a short and relatively simple video but it feels really good! I'm stretching and flexing and connecting physically to my body. Mentally my mind just goes and I realize how little time I have during the day for my own thoughts. I try to just let them go. As the video suggests, let my mind become a casual observer... and it works! I've been sleeping better when I am asleep. I don't wake up with my back hurting, among other aches and pains that were making me feel old before my time. And my mood has been elevated immensely. It's very exciting!
I've worn make-up a bit more often this week but have also been feeling like it's not THAT important, which is a nice thing to remember. I want to wear it to feel better not so I don't feel ugly; it's a subtle difference but one I need to figure out.
Recently I subscribed to a couple magazines, Parents and Better Homes and Gardens (I feel like such a grown up). Having them sitting on the counter has given me some pretty pictures to look at and a few interesting articles to think about. At least it's a start.
This week my goals will be to continue. Thanksgiving is Thursday and I'm excited to have my family out to my house. I hope to think this week about some goals for myself for the coming weeks.
Monday, November 12, 2012
No more I don't care
I have to find the strength to care...
about me.
I am really out of shape and gaining weight. I feel pretty crappy most the time. I think about exercising and I try to feed us healthy because I want to do that for the kids. But honestly, I think about exercising and easily dismiss it because I can't handle one more task on my to do list. I've always loved to exercise. I love to connect with my body and have that mental escape of just being in my own space and moment. But now? I know they say you have to make time, but I honestly cannot imagine it at all.
And the eating thing? I seriously think I have a problem. I don't say that to emphasize how bad it is. I mean I really sometimes worry. I used to have some self control and a sense of eating healthy because it feels good and stopping with the junk food because it feels bad. Now, I seriously fantasize about what I'm going to eat when I get the kids to bed and Jeff goes to work. I've found myself at times eating the last cookies not because I want them or I get pleasure from them but because I'm obsessed... I don't even know with what. With having one thing in the day that is mine? That the kids can't poke their fingers in or Jeff can't have an opinion about or something.
This week I'm trying to curb the caffeine a bit. I'm a bit concerned that it, or the sugar in the drinks that give me the caffeine, is making me a bit crazy. But for a long time now I've been drinking, not a lot, but everyday.
I get dressed in the morning (truth is I often don't do that if I'm staying in all day) and I don't like what I wear. I've posted a time or two about what to wear as a stay at home mom so that I'm comfortable but still look pulled together but really lately I have no sense of style. And I mean more than just trying to look cute or something. I mean I am totally out of touch with what I even like or what my outward appearance expresses. I don't have a hair style. I comb it and do my best to get it out of my way. And I rarely wear make-up and this is wearing it more than I have for a while.
I try to read books or do crafty things to make me feel happy or to have my own thoughts and expression. But even going to the library is difficult with the kids so it's not like I have a lot to read. And I never dare spend money so what crafts am I even talking about?
Boy this post is taking a real negative turn. I'm simply trying to be real about where I'm at and what's bothering me... or what doesn't bother me but it's at least starting to bother me that it doesn't bother me more.
I have to start caring.
About me.
How I feel physically, mentally and emotionally.
Goals for this week:
No junk food at the grocery store
Eat more fruits and veggies- plan menus around them
Do yoga or at least a bit of stretching before bed
One last thought. As I talked to Rayne yesterday I remembered how much she's always liked to run (she's only three, but still). I have fond memories of a few times watching her run just for the pleasure of it. I decided that I need to make running my goal so that I can give that to her and do that with her. We need to run out her anxieties and let her have that time of freedom. It was very motivating.
about me.
I am really out of shape and gaining weight. I feel pretty crappy most the time. I think about exercising and I try to feed us healthy because I want to do that for the kids. But honestly, I think about exercising and easily dismiss it because I can't handle one more task on my to do list. I've always loved to exercise. I love to connect with my body and have that mental escape of just being in my own space and moment. But now? I know they say you have to make time, but I honestly cannot imagine it at all.
And the eating thing? I seriously think I have a problem. I don't say that to emphasize how bad it is. I mean I really sometimes worry. I used to have some self control and a sense of eating healthy because it feels good and stopping with the junk food because it feels bad. Now, I seriously fantasize about what I'm going to eat when I get the kids to bed and Jeff goes to work. I've found myself at times eating the last cookies not because I want them or I get pleasure from them but because I'm obsessed... I don't even know with what. With having one thing in the day that is mine? That the kids can't poke their fingers in or Jeff can't have an opinion about or something.
This week I'm trying to curb the caffeine a bit. I'm a bit concerned that it, or the sugar in the drinks that give me the caffeine, is making me a bit crazy. But for a long time now I've been drinking, not a lot, but everyday.
I get dressed in the morning (truth is I often don't do that if I'm staying in all day) and I don't like what I wear. I've posted a time or two about what to wear as a stay at home mom so that I'm comfortable but still look pulled together but really lately I have no sense of style. And I mean more than just trying to look cute or something. I mean I am totally out of touch with what I even like or what my outward appearance expresses. I don't have a hair style. I comb it and do my best to get it out of my way. And I rarely wear make-up and this is wearing it more than I have for a while.
I try to read books or do crafty things to make me feel happy or to have my own thoughts and expression. But even going to the library is difficult with the kids so it's not like I have a lot to read. And I never dare spend money so what crafts am I even talking about?
Boy this post is taking a real negative turn. I'm simply trying to be real about where I'm at and what's bothering me... or what doesn't bother me but it's at least starting to bother me that it doesn't bother me more.
I have to start caring.
About me.
How I feel physically, mentally and emotionally.
Goals for this week:
No junk food at the grocery store
Eat more fruits and veggies- plan menus around them
Do yoga or at least a bit of stretching before bed
One last thought. As I talked to Rayne yesterday I remembered how much she's always liked to run (she's only three, but still). I have fond memories of a few times watching her run just for the pleasure of it. I decided that I need to make running my goal so that I can give that to her and do that with her. We need to run out her anxieties and let her have that time of freedom. It was very motivating.
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