Food for Thought

One freezing cold Saturday I took both kids out through the slush covered parking lots to the grocery store to get some milk and bread. After getting us and the groceries home and up the stairs, we were all cold and hungry. Caius' favorite thing is Kraft dinner and it sounded good to me so I made some for lunch. To round it out into an actual meal I added some fish sticks and peas. My normal thoughts about the menu would go something like this. Kraft dinner has no food value. Fish sticks are prepared in so much fat they don't really count as fish. I may even think that peas, frozen at that, are too simple or common to really count as a vegetable.
But those aren't the thoughts I had that day that stood out. My thought was, it's okay to eat this much lunch because we are cold and tired and I'm planning a lighter dinner. I didn't really notice the thought until the next day when I opened a can of refried beans and put together some bean and cheese burritos for lunch. I was very concerned because it was just too much to eat when we were going to have whatever Sunday dinner I was planning (never anything very big or overly fancy, by the way).
And that's when I realized that I think breakfast and lunch don't really count. Sure you need to eat something to keep you going, but you're really only supposed to eat one "meal" a day so it shouldn't be much at all. Hmm. That can't be true can it?
I've been thinking on this for a while now. I've been trying to add a bit more protein to our diet. It's supposed to help process the carbs and keep blood sugar levels more balanced. For a while I was doing pretty well including some bit of protein for breakfast and I felt A LOT better. So in that regard, I've been trying to make more of a meal out of breakfast. I also realize that kids need a good flow of energy so I try to make sure lunch and snacks are decent. But for myself, I still find myself thinking that I shouldn't be eating anything any time I eat.
Which brings up other fallacies in my thinking of food.
I've realized that I don't think of fruit as a real food. Sure, it's better than a candy bar, but it has too much sugar, especially thinking diabetically. And, if it comes in a can, or even frozen, it's not worth anything. Unless you eat it fresh, it just doesn't count. Even then, it's a treat or a dessert.
Vegetables are a bit better. I know they are good for you and we should be eating nothing but veggies. But again, we have the problem that they should all be fresh, canned is bad. And most vegetables I'm familiar with and that the kids might (big might) be persuaded to eat aren't exotic or fancy enough. Potatoes are too starchy. Corn is really a grain. Iceberg lettuce (and watermelon for that matter) lacks vitamins and fiber etc.

More of this Energy Talk

Last night before I got in the shower, I stood in my closet trying to figure out if a few pieces I have fit in with this energy stuff I've been talking and thinking about lately. I had two shirts that I thought should work but just couldn't feel like they did. I finally gave up trying to make them work with something, thinking the one shirt probably doesn't fit anymore anyway so I could quit worrying about it. I then thought it would be okay if I just stick with things that work if I really want to go all the way with this.
After my shower I walked to the kitchen remembering a conversation I had with my mom earlier that day. We were looking at some dresses and I explained that one, while it had "my" colors, I didn't think worked because of the flow of it. I compared it to another that did flow and blend the way this system says I should in order to honor my energy. My mom said, "but you don't want to be muted everyday for the rest of your life!" And I responded, "but that's what I am."
(If you read this mom, don't take it as a criticism. I appreciate what you meant when you said that. I'm just trying to say what I thought thinking about it in another context).
And as I stood in my kitchen I gave myself permission to let go of what doesn't work. I am really liking the way this stuff feels and I want to make a comittment to it, to myself, and let myself have fun and believe in it. I want to give myself permission to be muted and soft and subtle and toned down. I've always hated people telling me that's "all" I was and yet I feel now that I have been struggling to be stronger, more defined, funner, cuter... for a very long time. It's okay to let go of that. It's okay to wear what makes me feel good and like what I am on the inside is coming out on the outside. The point of this program is that every woman (person actually) is beautiful and has qualities that aren't always acknowledged by fashion and media. I want to accept that in myself. I want to love myself. I want to express that love.
Yesterday Rayne was admiring my necklace telling me how pretty it was. Then she said "it makes everyone else feel happy looking at it." Honestly, that's what I'm seeking for. Peace in myself and that by being true to my nature, my children will feel honored in theirs as well. What more could I ask to give them!?

Me Love

I'm wanting to post about something that I am admittedly shy to talk about. So as I often do, I'm starting my blog with an apology. As if I'm sorry to make you read about this? If you don't want to, you won't be here right? ...

Mom, Khrystine and I have all posted previously about Dressing Your Truth by Carol Tuttle, or Energy Profiling. In my own words, the idea is that there are four basic building blocks of life, oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen and carbon. Each of these elements are what we are made of and we each "lead" with a dominant energy type. You can find more at dressingyourtruth.com.

Mom and Khrystine recently went to another presentation by Carol Tuttle and got excited about this stuff again. So, I pulled out my book and started reading again. It was so obvious this time around which type I am. I figured it out before but of course had to look at all the possibilities. And, I mostly wanted to read about Mom and Khrystine's type (they are the same). As I read about them, I felt overwhelmingly sure that this type is also my little Rayne girl. So many things explained about her! It made me excited.

Carol Tuttle also has a book out called The Child Whisperer. I was able to get this book and have been devouring it. As I've before posted, I have been taking my little girl to therapy for anxiety. To be honest, I have often been left feeling like it's all my fault, there's this huge problem here, and then nothing really gets better. When I started taking Zoloft, things did improve I think. And then I read about this energy stuff and I no longer see or feel that there's something wrong with her. We have issues. But it has really helped me to understand her basic nature and how she sees things. I'm left feeling empowered to respect and honor her rather than that I have to fix her and make her better. It's SUCH an improvement.

Part of energy profiling, at least from the Dressing your Truth angle, is about wearing colors, textures, styles that fit with your energy. Perhaps it sounds either superficial or a bit too "out there" to be true. But I think it is. As I've started to incorporate these things into how I dress, I feel a calmness about myself I've been looking for for a long time. I DO feel like MY energy, what I'm made of, is flowing as it has always been intended to.
I've also tried to be more aware of Rayne's colors. She has, before this, insisted that she hates light colors and likes dark colors. And, she's right! I feel like as I've tried to dress her with this in mind, I feel like she is calmer and happier. She talks about "my colors" and I now have a way of talking to her about her inner qualities as well. It helps SO much!

It was suggested when I started this that I take before and after pictures of myself and my closet. I've tried to do this. I'm not a photographer and I find it harder than heck to take a good self portrait. But I tried. I'm a bit reluctant to share. But here is my before closet:

I picked this picture to share because it's up close of the colors and patterns of my clothes.
And this is so far my after closet:

Again, not very great pictures, but I think you can tell there is a different energy or flow. The colors are more blended and calm. It's not a scattered bunch of stuff, which is a good way to describe how I've felt inside. I've been a bit of a scattered mess for a while. Or worse, I've been something hidden in the mess. By trying to do this, I have been calmed. I feel peace. I feel connected to myself. My clothes, my closet, are starting to show this.

I should note too that I'm poor and don't have much money to invest in new clothes etc. Most of what you see are things that I already had. I've put them together in a better way. I've pulled out things I loved but didn't know how to wear.

And now for before pictures. This first one, I think Rayne took. This was a pretty typical day. My hair was kind of done. I'm wearing comfortable clothes. Little or no make-up.

This one I tried to take of myself. I'm outside with too much sun. But I know on this day, I tried to do my hair. I think I may even have make-up on as I would normally do it. The colors I'm wearing are pretty typical.
And some after shots. Or, I like to call them, work-in-progress shots. Trying to see some color, some accessories, figuring out what to do with my hair.

I'm really not so self absorbed. I'm just very excited to feel good about myself. And I'm extremely excited to have some insight to my children and other people I care about. Being at peace with myself is definitely extending to other people as well.

Mama-Do-List

Not only does it help me to get things done, I find having a bit of a schedule or plan in mind also helps me to not stress about the things that are NOT getting done. Instead of feeling like I got nothing done because I'm seeing all that still needs to be done or not really getting anything done because I'm trying to do it all, I've been trying to focus on one or two chores or to-do's and then letting myself stop. I don't follow this strictly, but try to keep it in mind. It's still a work in progress, but here is my schedule.

MONDAY:
My room and bathroom
Jeff's laundry

TUESDAY:
Day off/ Usually go to Boppy's

WEDNESDAY:
Bathroom and hallway
Laundry: Towels and blankets

THURSDAY:
Kids rooms and laundry

FRIDAY:
Kitchen and/or Living room
My laundry

SATURDAY:
Kitchen and/or Living room
Catch up laundry

SUNDAY:
Day of rest
Wash my sheets and bedding

EVERYDAY: Tidy kitchen, unload and load/run dishwasher, wipe down stove, counters and table, sweep, get garbage out, vacuum living room, wipe down bathroom

KIDS SHOULD BE: Dressing themselves, using the potty, cleaning up rooms/toys before bed, brushing teeth and hair twice a day

What about you? What is your schedule like? How often do you do certain chores? I feel like I should clean the bathroom everyday but it doesn't usually happen unless really necessary. I try to move the couch and other living room furniture out once a week to vacuum because with small kids we get so many toys etc under there. Is it necessary to do it that often when they are older? How often do you do "spring cleaning" type chores like cleaning out from under the stove or fridge, cleaning carpets, walls and windows? And while I'm asking questions, as a stay at home mom especially, how often do you really wear make-up, do your hair, etc?
Oh and this is just the house keeping schedule. It doesn't include the activities etc with the kids...

Checking back in... I hope

I was really enjoying blogging more regularly and checking in with myself. I've been wanting to blog for some time now. So here I am finally, again with the goal of doing it more often.
So what is new?
Last Monday I had three wisdom teeth pulled. It was more complicated than anticipated and I felt horrible afterward. It's Sunday night and I'm still suffering but I think I'm getting better.
With our tax refund, I've been able to get a few fun things recently, besides my teeth pulled I mean- some new shirts, a book, a rug, and today I bought a cute little garden welcome thing with turtles on it. It's been fun and in some way relaxing to be able to get some things just because I want them and like them.
I started taking Zoloft about a week before Christmas and it has changed my life. They say it can take about three weeks to get into your system but I felt like I felt it right away. I am so much more calm. I don't lose my temper. I feel like myself and like I'm able to do things the way I want to and closer to what is true to my values than I was before. This last week, being in pain, it's been hard again to stay calm and patient with the kids. I've lost my tempered, cried, haven't been able to do much with them and it's been horrible! It has reminded me of how I felt before Zoloft. I don't ever want to go back to that.
Today is my 6th wedding anniversary. I've been in pain and Jeff's been fighting a migraine. Last night, he would get bloody noses and then his head would feel better. Is that something to be concerned about? It makes me worry! And they are having him work an extra day this week (meaning tonight) so he has been sleeping all day. So much for celebrating.
Six years suddenly doesn't sound so long. I don't think I remember before I was married and more specifically before having kids. I guess I have settled into this life.
Settled.
I do feel like things have finally been settling lately. I feel like we are finally at a point where we are just in our life and I'm not worrying what comes next and what it should be like now. We are here. We are happy. The weather has warmed up enough a few times now that the kids and I have played outside. They are getting more independent. Rayne got a new bike- two wheels with training wheels- and is doing wonderfully on it. Caius inherited her tri-cycle and has already figured it out. I feel happy and have been doing things and reading things to get in touch with myself again. I really do feel happy.
Imagine that!

In a Day's Work

Some days, most days, I start my mornings feeling like I have the same exact jobs to do as I just finished yesterday. There are always dishes in the sink, a full hamper of laundry, a floor that needs vacuuming, you get the idea. Even if I run the dishwasher sometime after dinner and before bed, by the time breakfast is done the next day, there are dirty dishes as well as a dishwasher to be unloaded. I do some laundry almost everyday and have decided it's my destiny to have a basket full of clean, folded laundry sitting on the dryer waiting to be put away and often more to be folded in the hallway or dryer. And by the end of the day, the hamper still has stuff in it.
I've found it helps my attitude if I view my life as a job. Not in my interaction with the kids, but just to think of things like having a routine in our day or even getting dressed and ready for what needs to be done that day, almost like wearing a uniform, rather than staying in pajamas because I'm just home cleaning anyway. I've even thought of it in terms of taking a break. In an eight hour shift, my husband takes breaks every two hours. He has a physically demanding job so he uses this time to sit down, stretch, drink water, talk to friends and clear his head. So, I try to allow or even insist that I take a break after certain tasks. Not on schedule or anything, but just to acknowledge that doing this or that was an accomplishment and now I can sit down or look at Facebook or read a blog before moving on to what is next.
Recently someone shared what I think was someone else's blog on Facebook. This woman had written about how our role as wife and mother should be seen as a service, in the sense that when you serve others, you are serving Christ. This would help with our attitudes, not seeing cooking and cleaning as just another menial task to get done. She talked about enjoying the work. It was very inspiring to me.
One of the hardest things for me is that everything I do, I'm looking to "get it done" rather than "doing." In college, it felt so good to get to the end of the semester and turn in the last assignment, get through the finals and be done. Take a break, clear my head and then start fresh with the new semester and new classes. As a teacher, that didn't change much. I put so much energy into getting my students through that it really felt good to get to the end, turn in the grades, and then start over with fresh ideas. This obviously is not how motherhood works. And, as the blog pointed out, I wouldn't want it to.
Which got me thinking about my last job. As I do now, I would often get to work and feel like I'd just finished the same task I now how to start all over. It truly drove me crazy! There were some weekly tasks that felt finished for a while and I learned to get through those, even the hard ones, by enjoying the completion. But what I had to really do, especially the last few months I was there and pregnant and sick almost everyday, was learn to just see it as the job. The job was doing, not getting done.
I've tried to think of that today. It was my big shopping trip to Wal-Mart today which I find so hard when I have two kids and once a month I try to stock up on groceries as well as household items like cleaners and diapers and toilet paper. Getting through the store with my brain intact is nearly impossible. I always unload the cart at check out and I just can't go fast enough to get the cart to the other end before they've piled up all my now bagged groceries and are waiting for me to move them so they can continue. We always wait in line for too long and the kids are done for by then. If they aren't hitting each other, they are climbing on things and running me over with the cart. Then I have to get the kids in car seats and get all the stuff packed in the trunk without the cart rolling down the hill (who designs a parking lot on a hill?). Lucky for me, Jeff is always willing to carry all the stuff up the stairs at home, but I continue by having to put it all away, make lunch, get kids to the potty and out of coats etc.
Usually I am so focused on getting us through the store and getting it done that I really am stressed by the time we get through. Then I'm trying to make the lunch and change the diaper and get the other one on the potty and put everything away so it can be done. And why does it need to be done? So I can get to the dishes and laundry etc. And they need to be done so I can make dinner and clean up that. It just goes on and on.
So today I thought all I'm doing today, my big task, is getting the shopping done and put away. I took baby steps. I stopped in the middle of things to do other things that needed immediate attention. Even going to and getting through the store, I just kept reminding myself that this is what I'm doing, I'm not getting it done. It helped. At bedtime, I tried make the time we go to bed the goal rather then getting the kids to sleep. It was much calmer.
Doing, not getting done.
My mantra for this week.

Checking in with Me

Today I went to the doctor to talk about anxiety medication. This was hard and scary for me. I didn't realize just how hard it was until last night and this morning. I've had a lot of feelings come out in the last week just deciding to do this but last night they kind of all culminated.
Friday I felt a real need to talk to my mother. Last night I tried to talk more to my husband. Neither of them really like the idea of "mind altering drugs." Without their support I felt I can't do this. They both have tried to be supportive and understanding, but I've been left feeling a bit misunderstood. These are the two people I need most in the world to support me and care and I really felt that I couldn't go ahead with this if they felt it was bad idea.
This morning I took a deep breath and decided that I quit taking medication before in part for Jeff. Now I will take it for Rayne. If me being well is for her (and I'm sure Jeff and Caius as well, she's just the most noticeable at this point) then I will do what it takes. And that thought gave me the courage to go.
I think it is also good that in doing it for her, I felt myself care that I also do it for me. I think that's what I need my mom and husband behind me for; I can do this for my daughter but I need someone caring that I do it for me. It needs to matter that I am happy and well.
After talking a bit to Jeff last night, I got in the shower and cried like crazy. I had so many thoughts and feelings come to the surface. It was good for me to understand my feelings and to understand that this is a big deal and that just asking for help and admitting that I feel like there IS something wrong and it IS affecting my family is a huge, hard thing. I wish I could put in words the thoughts I had last night. I feel like if I could just say it that way, people would understand and recognize that yes, I do need something. So, I will try...

There is a person locked inside of me. She has thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas. But like a caged animal beaten to submission, she sits and waits, not daring to hope for a chance to be free. 
What you see on the outside is a broken person. I'm not really here on the outside. When I'm in the room with you, whoever you may be, stranger or friend, I am quiet. Like still water, I reflect back to you an image of yourself. My mind is blank. I don't know what I like or what I think or what is funny. It's hard to talk. It's hard to laugh. I used to say that I hated the sound of my own voice and it's because it could betray me. With you, I am the still water that has drown the person inside. 
But unlike the still water you see, I feel my body racing, pulsing, shaking, fidgeting, pounding, gasping for air. My heart beats out of control. It is hard to catch my breath. My hands twitch and fidget in self consciousness. I feel as if I am surrounded by static electricity and I am fearful that at any moment I will feel that familiar, stinging SHOCK. I feel constantly afraid. But to be fearful, you have to be afraid of something and there is nothing that I'm truly afraid of, it's just there is no other way to describe this feeling.
With people I am closer with, more comfortable with, the feelings are not so intense, but yes, they are usually there at least somewhat. You don't see it, I like to think because I have learned to hide it so well. I am good at coping. With you I can laugh and I can have thoughts and opinions, but really, if my feelings are different than yours, these feelings come even harder because with you, I do fear something. I fear your disapproval. I fear losing your love. I do not know unconditional love when it comes to me.
With any of you, I try so hard to be what is pleasing, what is acceptable, what will avoid conflict or drawing much attention to myself.
I NEVER get to be just me.

If a little bit of medicine can stop my body from drowning me, or at least calm me down enough I can find the key and let myself out, how, why, would you deny me that?