Food on the brain

Last August, I went to the doctor thinking I was becoming diabetic. Everyone in my family is and I'm getting to that age so I felt like I was recognizing the symptoms. My sister went out and bought me a blood tester and told me all about it. I had some very high readings and I had some very low readings. But, the doctor's test said there was no diabetes or even pre-diabetes. I was told to eat healthy and lose weight and come back in a year.
I should have been relieved, and I was, but I also kept feeling like crap without much explanation. I really started working on my diet, cutting out sugar and watching how what I ate affected me. For the most part, I've been feeling better. But, some days I could eat a doughnut and be fine and other days, I'd eat white bread toast with my eggs and be thrown way off.

Two years ago, I had my gallbladder out. The surgeon said there was no need to change my diet, just go slowly at first, introducing foods back into my diet. Since then, I often feel sick to my stomach. Some days, I can eat a cheeseburger and fries and be okay. Other days, just the fries make me feel bloated and sick. It's like my body just doesn't work and process food. But, again, I've been trying to eat healthy and have figured out a few things about myself.

Until recently.

It seems for the last month or so I always feel sick to my stomach, no matter what I eat. Sometimes even a salad feels like I've eaten lead and I feel heavy and tired and full of air. It's kind of like I'm full as if I ate a big meal but I'm hungry at the same time because what food I did eat isn't going anywhere and I really didn't eat that much.

Last weekend, I saw my older brother that I rarely see. When I said something about how I was feeling, he suggested I look at milk products. What I described sounded like what he had felt when he became lactose intolerant. As we talked, it kind of made sense. Just the day before I ate ice-cream for lunch. Healthy I know but I thought it might be easy on my stomach and I just wasn't feeling well. Plus I really wanted some. But that's all I had for lunch and I felt so bloated after!

Well, I've been avoiding milk and cheese this week. Not completely, but I've had pretty much none and I feel SO much better. I feel like I've lost weight and I'm more awake and I don't have that horrible feeling in my stomach. I don't know if I've become lactose intolerant or, as I've read, it's just hard to digest dairy products when you don't have a gall bladder. I don't care. I feel much better and it hasn't been too hard to go without!

The down side is, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. What DO I eat? I tried to have a salad yesterday with dressing that wasn't ranch (a few days ago, I realized- duh!- I make ranch dressing with buttermilk and that's why even a salad with only veggies also hurt my stomach) and it just wasn't very good. I like other dressings, I just have to think of what kind of veggies go with them. What I had on that salad didn't really go with the dressing I had. In avoiding milk and cheese food, I haven't been as diligent about the stuff that was helping my sugar levels. Today that kind of caught up to me. I only tested my blood once and it was normal, but I sure didn't feel normal.

I have spent so much time in the last few months or longer trying to plan, write things down, learn recipes etc. and today I just feel discouraged. One of my children does NOT eat well and the other often follows her example, although he usually will give in and eat something when he's hungry. My hubby is a bit picky even though he tries not to complain. I want to eat REAL food. But I'm not even sure how.

I didn't mean to say so much about how I feel and the discouragements. I was actually hoping to have a few good thoughts. Like, if I buy things Rayne eats, she actually gets in and finds something to eat when she wants. She's not eating "meals" with us, but perhaps she likes (needs?) the independence or choice? Maybe I should quit trying to plan and control so much and plan to not plan? If I have string cheese in the fridge and apple sauce in the pantry and a few things, at least she is eating and eating healthy things? Maybe thinking Jeffrey will ever give up his frozen pizza and corn dogs is hopeless and maybe I should just feed him that? (Hm... doubtful on this one). But maybe... really, maybe I just try too hard to go nowhere! I feel like I have to start all over. AGAIN!

Christmas Pictures in February... oh well

Anticipation

At Great-grandma's/ Christmas Eve

Santa delivers

Christmas morning

Checking in on me

I have been a mother for about 5 years (depending on when you start counting- pregnancy or birth?). Out of 37+, that's not very many. But, I think my identity will always and first, from now on, be Mom.
I am not the same person I used to be. And that is okay. I've never been a mom before. She/I never existed.

But I do now.

I used to teach math. I always thought that if I worked after having children, teaching would be a good profession. Either I'd teach high school and have a similar schedule to my own kids. Or, I'd teach like I did at the college and only be gone for a few hours at a time.
Now? I'm pretty sure that teaching requires (at least when I do it) more emotional energy than I can spare. If I were to teach, I would need to "be" a teacher, and that would take away from what I need to give my children.
Currently, thinking of the possibility of me working and needing to make money, I have been looking into computer coding and programming. This is something I NEVER thought of before. I am surprised how much I am enjoying what I am learning so far. I like the thinking it requires. Instead of feeling like I'm giving and going outward, I feel like I'm reaching in and stretching in a way that is almost restful. I am connecting with my brain in places I haven't been for quite a while. I like bringing that old part of me into this new mom.

Believe it or not, I used to go to the gym. I started getting in pretty good shape. I was still large, but I could breathe and move and had strength. And I was getting smaller. I felt good in clothes and how I looked. I got so I could do 30 minutes or more on the elliptical and I LOVED it. For a while, I lifted weights pretty intensely with my brother. I enjoyed the strength and the challenge.
Now when I think of my physical health, I KNOW I need rest. I need acceptance, not challenge. I am too out of shape to breathe hard enough to do the elliptical. I imagine doing yoga and eating healthy and sleeping as what my body needs. Although I have recently REALLY enjoyed punching my sister's punching bag and I keep wanting to a bit of weight training to wake up my poor muscles.

I used to wear make-up and get dressed every day, even to stay home.
Now I spend most days not wearing make-up and often stay in my pajamas because I get cleaning and playing and cooking and I just don't bother to change into clothes. I've been trying to "get dressed" so I feel better but even that means something different now than it used to. And make-up? I wear it quite differently than I used to.

I guess I just needed to acknowledge the changes. They don't mean I'm getting old or lazy or letting myself go or any other negative thought I may have had about myself. They just are. And it's okay.

A mom has been born.

P.S. I just looked at the HTML tag of this post and understood it! There isn't a lot of code but I know what it stood for :) 

A revelation

I saw this on Pinterest the other day. That's nice, I scrolled on, I believe that too. The words a pinner put underneath were "you really don't."
I went on but then something clicked and I went back and pinned it myself. Maybe it deserves more pondering? And I kept thinking about it for a couple days now.

I equate not needing or wanting and giving everything I have with righteous sacrifice.
I think desire, want, having things is the same as being worldly, ungrateful, prideful.

I've never thought I was settling. In fact, I think I've lived a pretty good life. I've even been talking to my mom lately about how perhaps the challenges we face, my own trials at the moment, are meant to be (I'd given up on "meant to be"s along time ago). In some way, I have come to believe that while we do have our choices, things happen around us and to us and sometimes our challenge is not to overcome but to endure them.

But...

What have I ever truly WANTED in my life? I don't know, honestly, if I have ever allowed myself that. I wanted to go to college but when it came time to go, I didn't let myself think of where I wanted to go or what I wanted to study. I thought about what was possible, what was "right," what I was capable of. Fine, I'm all for practicality but...
One thing I know I really wanted with all my heart was to be a mom. This was something I prayed and yearned for. But even this, I waited a long time for and I assumed that was part of my sacrifice, proving that I really wanted it. I have thought for a long time, and feel I have done so, that I would give up anything to be home with my children. Maybe I never really thought that I could be a mom and we could have a nice house and enough money and some physical and spiritual stability. Because that would be too easy! That wouldn't show I was sacrificing enough. I might be happy and enjoy my children.
I worry now what if? What if all Rayne's anxiety and struggle is a manifestation of my thinking (therefore setting the intention- new age jargon here :) that I had to prove that I could do a good job, that no one else could do it. People needed to see that she really needed me in order to justify my being home and taking care of her.
It's ridiculous when I say it out loud. Isn't that great! I'm getting these thoughts, these false beliefs to come out of my head and onto paper and then I can laugh at them! I might be happy and enjoy my children. My life. My marriage. Myself.

Hu...

 Make a wish and let it come true.

What's new in My Universe

January is flying by! I can't believe it's February tomorrow. I just wanted to take a minute to catch up to myself and what we've been up to.
That house organization I was so proud of before? Yah, it's slowly falling undone. At least the basic structure is still in place and perhaps I just need to get back on top of things again. I rearranged Caius' room, again, to accommodate his toys and make for a better play place. He seems to like it and is SO good about putting things away when he's done. I think he likes to be a bit clean and organized! (PS he changes his clothes if they even get a drop of water on them. He definitely likes to be a bit neat and tidy!). Rayne's room on the other hand is quite a mess! And if I start doing anything in there, she kicks me out. I know, I know. She's four and I'm the boss but I do believe in respecting her space to some degree at least. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get in there and straighten up. I did a little today. We'll see how long that lasts!

Jeff has been pretty much unemployed since last July. It's incredibly frustrating! He had a job interview this week that he was actually excited about but he didn't get it. However, they did tell him that the only reason the other guy got it was that the other guy has experience. Jeff is definitely on the list if they have an opening or this guy doesn't work out etc. Here's hoping. Or hoping for anything really. We are receiving a tax refund that will help us tremendously to get through in the mean time but...

As for me, I have been looking into computer coding. It is pretty exciting actually. I feel like I haven't used this part of my brain for quite some time. There is a website that teaches some of this stuff for free! I have a friend who works doing coding and has had some good opportunities to work from home. That is my goal at the moment. Supposedly, with my math degree and some learning I will be a good candidate. My dad has also talked to me about this, in fact that's where it all started, and has been told that there are good opportunities out there.

Another thing that has been on my mind is that Rayne will be five this year and starting kindergarten. I know I think too much, but I've been thinking and pondering on our options since she was three! I kind of wish I didn't know there were options so we'd just have the mind set that she starts public school in the fall. (Perhaps that is my answer?). But we've really been thinking that we will do online school, at least for the first year or two.
Jeff is concerned about the academic. Frankly, she is quite a bright kid and he doesn't think she'll be challenged. He was often bored in school. I worry about her emotions and anxiety and that this will lead to "behavior problems." I don't want her to be labelled as the bad kid because she acts out when she gets frustrated, scared, challenged, embarrassed, etc. And she feels these things often in a day!
At this point, I'm just trying to think of how to look into things and how to think about the decision. I can't help feeling I can't be everything for her and a school setting would do her a lot of good. But I also don't want to just throw her into deep waters and hope she can swim.

Mommy thoughts

Something happened yesterday that made me realize how truly blessed I am to have a mother like mine. I've always loved and appreciated and been grateful for her, but I realized how rare it is to have a mother that is truly nurturing, encouraging and kind. Someone who rubs your ankles when you sit in the dentist's chair, no matter how old you are. Who talks you through your crazy dreams and seemingly insurmountable shortcomings without making you feel stupid or corrected. I don't remember ever fighting with my mom.

A while back I wrote a post about wanting to be my childrens' best friend. I've since wondered if that was the right way to phrase it. If maybe I didn't mean their cheerleader or confidant. More recently I've thought it's not realistic to think of being a friend to them. I've felt like my children really lack discipline and manners and need to be taught things I'm not teaching them because I'm too lenient and willing to let them play. I've even somewhat set some goals to get them to be more independent and do things on their own.

Okay perhaps this is all fine and maybe even true. But...

I was reminded yesterday that I want to be like my mom. I want to be a mom who is always encouraging and kind. I don't believe we are given the job to create people. I believe we are given people to help become their best selves. I want them to learn and grow in themselves, for who they are. And I DO believe a lot of who and what they are came that way. I don't want to discourage them or even correct them in a certain sense.

I rearranged the living room furniture the other day. They LOVE running around and around and over the couch and chair. I believe in letting them do this. I also believe it's not okay to do at grandma's house, but this is THEIR home and I want them to be happy and comfortable and free to do and explore and play. These things come first. The independence, the manners, the discipline come later.

Happy New Year

I have been thinking of New Year Resolutions for a while. I haven't been too strict about writing them down and planning things out, but there are definitely a few things I am working on. I am happy to report that I am taking strides.

Eat healthy! This is the year I want to get rid of processed foods. Jeff and I have talked about keeping sugar and treats out of the house. The kids', especially one of them, behavior seems very affected by the amount of sugar consumed. I'd also like to put the food on the table and say eat it or not, it's up to you. I think the kids are still a bit young for strict adherence to this one. And the same kid that seems so affected by sugar also won't eat to save her life but gets extremely moody when hungry. I also have goals to use table cloths and to not let anyone say what they don't like, but just to eat what they do and say thank you.

Organize my house! I have dreams of my closets and kids' rooms looking like the pictures in Pottery Barn kids. But in reality, those pictures have no kids or very little and unrealistic activity going on. And, I can't afford such fanciness. Right now, most of my storage containers consist of old diaper boxes wrapped in shelf lining paper I bought at the Dollar Store- genius right? But I am happy to say that this last week things feel like they are falling into place. I at least feel like I have places to keep the stuff when we do clean up and I have managed to pack away a lot of old, unused and/or broken stuff. I've also created a few "pretty" spots in my house. The kids are  getting old enough I feel safe bringing out some of my pretty things and I've made a few spots pretty and functional!

Stop worrying! I worry about everything. And then I worry about worrying. And worry how worrying effects my health. And how my health and worrying effect my children and the energy in my house. Then I worry about my whole role as mother and if I'm doing anything right and that of course leads to my eternal salvation! Aye! Things have been tough lately in several ways. But somehow things work out. People help and we are provided for. I will keep praying, keep breathing, and have faith. One day at a time. I'm learning how to do that.