Clown Suits

Once upon a time, my mom had a new baby and my niece and nephew, that she took care of a lot, soon followed. I was around junior high age, give or take a year and my younger brother was not far behind. Then of course my older brother and sister were not as grown up as I remember and my mother also spent a lot of time taking care of her parents. For some reason, I remember my mom talking about dressing for her job. It didn't make sense for her to dress up or, as an example, like a business woman. My mom made herself some outfits. I will call them jump suits but I don't know if that's accurate. Kind of like overalls that tied at the shoulder, she made them in bright colors and prints with a solid t-shirt underneath. She said she wanted to dress to be home with the kids. She called them "clown suits."
I don't know why she called them this. Did she feel clownish in them? Perhaps self conscious around those business women etc that she didn't want or need to dress like? I can't imagine that she didn't like the outfits. I remember picking out fabrics in flattering colors and prints that she liked. And even if they were "easy" to make, she still put the time and effort into making them.
I never really thought whether my mom was in style or not. It never really was a question. She was my mom. Not "just mom." My mom! She was everything to me and I suppose style wasn't a part of the beauty I saw in her. Whenever I was old enough I did look at her for those things, I saw the pretty things about her; I never judged if it was cool or in or whatever. Maybe some girls do look at their mothers that way but in some way I guess they learned it from their mothers (raging post about moms who send their 3 year olds to church nursery in a different prom dress every week forth coming). Maybe I remember this conversation because I was starting to be aware of my own style? I think about it a lot now because I'm doing the job she had then.
My mother in law and grandma in law gave me some money and a gift card for my birthday and while I tried to have fun with it, I also needed to be practical. I bought some much needed walking shoes and church shoes. I also bought two long sleeve t-shirts and two pairs of exercise pants. I needed clothes and I really needed something to be home and comfortable in when I'm cleaning, being sneezed and spilled on, going out to the playground or even running over to the store. I thought maybe this would look a bit sporty and playful and still be super comfortable.
I know, I know, the make over shows all say you can be comfortable in heels, jeans, and a nice blouse. And frankly, yes I do feel a bit clownish in these clothes sometimes. But sometimes I feel very dressed for my job and frankly how I look is not as important as how I feel.
For some reason as I dressed to go to Walmart this morning, I felt like things became clear- just for a moment,   nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnB   zz bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (hahaha I think I'll leave that. I had to run to the potty with Rayne and when I came back, Caius had typed that. It seems to fit :)
I saw me as I am or want to be. For this time in my life. For this job.
I was wearing overalls and a striped t-shirt (no farmer Jo jokes please Benjamin). My hair, I don't want it any longer than it is now but I can't afford regular trips to the salon or the time it takes to "do" a short hair style everyday. So, I will keep my bangs and have a "long" hair look. I always want it up in a ponytail anyway and I guess I don't really care how that looks. It can be cute. I also bought some new eyeshadow with my birthday money. I looked and looked and wanted (or thought I wanted) pretty colors and smoky eyes and to do more. Finally I allowed myself to realize that what I really wanted is just a duo in the same pretty brown tones I've always worn. And some new mascara. I just want to look more awake with a bit of color for a day to day look.
And that is me. Something happened recently (perhaps another scathing post about the rudeness of strangers also forthcoming) to make me harden up a bit to what other people think. This could be a good thing for me. It also softened me to myself, my children, and my world. I am me. And that's darn good enough.
To quote Billy Joel "what's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing/Can't you see that your tie's too wide." So it is. And that's the way I like it.

Giving up on Sunday

A few weeks ago I wanted to write a blog about Reclaiming Sunday. Sunday used to be such a spiritual, uplifting day. Now it's the hardest day of the week. Monday used to be hard because it was a let down after Sunday. Now Monday is hard because I'm exhausted and, quite frankly, really down about Sunday being so hard.
They rearranged our stake this last month. I think they created a new ward and re-did the ward boundaries. I was very sad because I really loved our bishop and Relief Society president. They made me feel safe and like I belonged and would be taken care of. And there were other people in the ward that really befriended us and made us feel welcome. I really needed these things. But, I finally pulled myself out of the disappointment and was determined to have a good attitude.
With the change, I was released from my calling in the nursery. But because of the change, they still asked me to fill in until everything gets established. I had been wondering if I should ask to be released feeling like I wasn't any good at this, we miss so much and I often spend all my time taking care of my kids and not feeling like I'm contributing. This isn't a good reason to be released so I kept trying to do better but I was also often feeling like I needed to be able to focus on my kids. Caius will be old enough to officially be in nursery this month and Rayne will be moving to primary in January. I've thought that I need to be able to start working with her on this change and maybe even leaving her without me so that she will be ready for primary. I think Caius will be fine.
The week they announced there would be a change, they had a stake meeting that night to announce the boundaries etc. The next week was stake/regional conference. The week after that, we went to church, now starting at 1 o'clock. The following week they were doing the Brigham City temple dedication and didn't have regular church meetings. And that brings us to yesterday.

Yesterday was awful. Sometime close to the beginning, Rayne had something happen, I'm pretty sure involving a toy and she got pretty upset. I took her into the hall so she could catch her breath. She then wanted to stay there so I stood in the doorway "helping" with the other kids and keeping an eye on her. Later, while I was giving the lesson she started kicking someone and when I tried to get her to stop, she started yelling all while I continued to try to give the lesson which is hard enough with three year olds and younger. At the end of class, she climbed on the table and the other teacher asked her very nicely not to and she got so upset she screamed at the teacher. The teacher of course was embarrassed and probably quite put off at this reaction. She was nice to me and asked me about some things and I felt bad and embarrassed and out of control and like a bad mom.
So then we went to sacrament meeting. By the way, Caius' new naptime which also changed just in the last month is 12:30, the same time we are about leaving for church. He did well but was completely tired by the end of nursery. We found seats and were doing pretty well until, in the middle of the sacrament song when we are supposed to be getting reverent, Caius did something to make Rayne scream at him so he screamed back and started to cry which made Rayne yell at him... I picked up Caius and the diaper bag and walked out, trying to get Rayne to go or follow, they were both crying and I was trying hard not to. We stayed in the foyer for a while, eating snacks and talking to our wonderful primary president who offered to help but you know how that would not work with Rayne and Caius was just too tired and we eventually left. We walked in the house with Caius crying, Rayne being very demanding and me on the verge of yelling and crying at everyone. Caius took a nap, sleeping until five, which made bedtime last night quite a challenge.
I say all this trying to think it through but also trying to paint a picture of what the day was like. Like I said, I had wanted to have a good attitude about the changes and to take Sunday back and make it a special day for my kids. I made a good effort to have a clean house and a simple but nice Sunday dinner ready to just pop in the oven when we got home (oh yah, Jeff ate at the computer, I stood at the counter, Rayne played and Caius slept- even dinner didn't happen right).
I feel very frustrated. I want Sunday to be nice. I want it to be special. I want to take care of my kids. I want to help Rayne. I'm simply overwhelmed and don't know what to do for her or how to approach things. I feel like she will NEVER be able to be on her own. So I just need to think of how I'm going to do this.

BFFs

I have often and always said that my mom is one of my best friends. Even in junior high, where being cool is the big thing, she is the one I wanted to talk to about boys, friends, school stresses, all the big important things.
I've read and heard a lot about how the problem with kids nowadays is that parents are too worried about being cool and being friends with their kids. Kids need limits and to be told no and they need guidance and supervision etc. I've been convinced that kids really do need these boundaries. I feel like I've been trying really hard for at least the past year to get some control around here and be in charge. People, even people I really trust and love, have made comments that make me worry I'm too lax with my kids. I worry about what it will be like when the kids are 10, 13, 16, even 20. If I don't take charge now, they will be rebellious, horrible people doing things just because I told them not to and I don't know how to make them behave.
Last night I read a blog (It's a blog I found through a blog through a blog through a blog :) and the woman was writing about how much she needed her mom who had recently come to stay from out of town. This woman has four daughters and said she often wonders how they see her. She found three videos one of the daughters had made on her iPad that all started with the daughter saying "let me tell you about..." and then said the mom's first name. The first video cut out so the girl could take a shower, the second one so she could brush her teeth. The mom was really worried. If the daughter was using the mom's first name, it must be bad! She braced herself for the third video. The girl said, "let me tell you about... She's my best friend."
I know I'm sappy but it made me cry a bit. I cried because once upon a time, THAT was my mom philosophy. I wanted to be the kind of person my kids would come to when they needed help, love, support, someone to love them no matter what they were thinking or doing, when they don't fit in or are standing out. I want to be the kind of person that they would want my opinions and advice because they would know that I know something, that I believe in something, and most of all that I love them and want what's best for them, and even if they didn't agree or follow my advice, they'd at least have that teaching as an anchor from which to figure out what they do believe in.
As I lay in bed thinking about this last night, I realized that the advice not to worry so much about being the kids' friend is for a different kind of parent. It's to the parents who want to be cool so much they let them wear inappropriate clothes or give them their first beer or let them get away with things to the point it's like the parent is encouraging the rebellious behavior because they figure it's better to be a part of it than to have the kid be out on their own doing it anyway.
I think, I hope, I believe... that if I try to truly be-friend my children that they will grow up with a strong sense of themselves. That I can be the kind of friend that cheers them on and helps them be a better person. The true friend that accepts them for who they are. That speaks  kindly but frankly. And if I can do that, I think my children will grow up to be smart, moral, responsible people. And that's all I really want for them.

Reeling it in

If Rayne has a general feeling of anxiety in most situations, to the point that she has some real fears of being away from Mommy, why would the answer be to push her out on her own? I mean, I understand the thinking behind it and helping her learn to be okay on her own, but she's only three. She's already had things and people she was afraid of become not so scary and she's told me that now she grew up, she's not afraid anymore. I just feel that the answer is to bring her closer, not push her away.

If Jeff and I both have a hard time being around people and out doing things, being involved etc, why would I  think my kids are going to be that different from us. Of course we are aware and don't want to give them our hang ups. We try to push ourselves a bit knowing the kids need it. I actually like being around people even though it's hard for me so I try to be confident and friendly and show Rayne how to be that way. Jeff doesn't like going out and doing things, but he'll do it because he wants to be with his kids and he knows these things are good for them.
That said, when I recognize in Rayne that she's overwhelmed, tired, stressed by certain situations, people, or just the amount of time we've spent being out, I think the right answer is to bring her home, give her some quiet time, time in her/our space. Caius, so far, does better. I need to be careful not to hold him back but even he is bothered by loud noises, needs his regular naps and to be fed quite on schedule. He has his own little sensitivities I want to take care of, not push him past them.
I always look at other people and all their activities and outgoing-ness and feel like I'm not measuring up. I've always felt like there was something wrong with me because I was shy and felt awkward, but the truth is, I never really wanted to be the center of attention and all that. And maybe there's just nothing wrong with that. And maybe it's okay not to think my kids need all that too. When I look at them, it doesn't seem, yet, to be part of their characters. We're all kind of shy and introverted... in a way. And maybe I just need to pull us in, not push us out.

Therapy

Rayne had her first official "therapy" session at The Children's Center on Thursday. While I've had many thoughts leading up to and since then that I've wanted to blog about, I'm going to start with this...

We went into the counselor's office where we'd been two times before for the evaluation. She talked to me for a minute and then tried to get Rayne to play some games and do some activities. Rayne responded to some, others she refused. And then it was over and she was getting her fruit snack and sticker to go home.

I felt a bit disappointed and wondered if it had been worth our time. Nothing was said to me about what we were going to do or what we did or what the point was or what was learned or what I should be working on at home or how to help us. But as I drove and as I've talked to Jeff and to myself since I figured I'm a smart person and I can still learn from it.

One activity we did was simply sitting at the table with markers and a blank sheet of paper to color. Rayne wouldn't sit in her own chair, but had to sit on my lap. At home, she has LOVED drawing on paper with markers. Our fridge is covered in her work. But it took some encouragement from Kate (the counselor) to get her going. At first Rayne told her she only knows how to draw circles. Kate said that was okay, we were just going to fill the page with squiggles. She then took a marker herself and even drew on the table to show Rayne it was okay. She asked Rayne to pick a marker for herself and for Mom. Usually very in charge and telling me what to do, Rayne hesitated and had me pick for both of us. Once she got going she seemed okay but when she drew on the table accidentally, she said oops and looked shy or nervous. It was only when Kate said "is that a big deal? NO! You probably can't do it at home, but it's okay here" that Rayne was able to relax and really enjoy it.

This combined with the way Rayne reacted and resisted other activities made me really see the fear in her. I mean, I've seen it before, that's why we're going to therapy, but it's usually with other people and a lot going on, not in her play. The diagnosis for Rayne is that she has generalized anxiety disorder. Kate says it's the worst she's seen because there isn't something specific she's afraid of that we can help her with (like bugs, the dark etc). When she said it, I thought she meant Rayne specifically is worse than she's seen but I've wondered since if she just meant that it's the worst type of anxiety because it's generalized.

Anyway, of course I feel a lot of guilt. I keep searching for what I've done, what I do or don't do that has made this happen to my little girl. I know, I know, I can't do that to myself blah blah blah. It's there and I feel it and it's part of what I have to work through.

The crayon thing made me wonder how much I intimidate her or if I'm more rigid than I realize. I mean I obviously know I'm hard on myself and am uptight, but I thought I was encouraging to my children. I put the couch cushions on the floor to jump on. I play in the play-dough with them. I scribble on the paper. But maybe I do worry about messes and go crazy when things are all scattered and unorganized. And, since this day and thinking about this, I realize how much I tell Rayne no and "aaah!" and "be careful" and "okay but don't make a mess" etc.

It made me think of a movie Jeff and I watched before we were married called "Yours, Mine, and Ours." It's about a mixed family and the dad is in the military and that's how he's been raising his kids- rules, schedules, rigidity. The mom is an artist and raises her kids with freedom and creativity and mess. Jeff and I talked about which parent we thought we'd be like and what we thought we should be like. It was funny to me because he was already the fun, relaxed one in the relationship and I, obviously, have always been about rules and lists and schedules etc. But he wanted to be the strict one and felt like kids need that and that he would have been better off in that kind of structured environment. I wanted to be like the mom. I believed that kids need freedom to express themselves and make messes and explore their world. I wondered the other night if I need to remember that. If I should be more like that. I've said before I want to be the "hippie" mom.

The next morning, when Rayne was having her third total and complete breakdown in two hours, I thought "BUT SOMEBODY HAS TO TAKE CHARGE AROUND HERE!!!" Perhaps it's our lack of structure making everything crazy. I'd just been reading how important it is for kids, especially anxious kids, to have structure and guidance so they feel safe and like someone is in control and able to take care of them. We need rules! Less t.v., less sugar, more vegetables, bedtimes...

Okay, so I think the "right" answer is some sort of perfect balance. Mealtimes, bedtimes, definite rules about some things. And I think this Mama needs to step up and really be more of a presence (not, I hope, that I'm a total doormat at the moment, but some days it does feel close!) But maybe this mama also needs to relax and not be so fussy and cautious and meddling.

???

Thoughts? How do you achieve this balance? Do you lean more toward one way of thinking/being than the other? What works at your house?
Or, looking back, what would have done differently?

A mom should....

*always know what to do and have the right answers. If not, she should at least have a strong opinion.

*be happy, calm, and in charge of the situation.

*accept you as you are, nurture and inspire your true self.

*smell good. Not too perfumey, just something soft and comforting when giving lots of snuggles, hugs and kisses.


It gives me something to think about, something to reach for. A picture in my head of what they need me to be.

Happy Birthday to Me

 The kids helped me make a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. I think I have eaten most of it throughout the week and officially overdosed on cake. My favorite part is that Rayne decorated it for me with sprinkles-pretty!

 We went to lunch at La Frontera in Tooele. It is kind of dark and quiet, though I hear it gets quite crowded during peak times. I had chile verde enchiladas- YUM! Caius burned his finger on my plate and cried for quite a while resulting in the kids mostly eating a lollipop for lunch even though we ordered them their own quesadilla. Poor baby! He was okay and kept touching things saying "hot."

 There was a fun little park behind the restaurant that we went and played on after lunch. It was fun having Daddy with us. And the day wasn't TOO hot so that was nice.

I took a self portrait. Those never turn out well from what I've seen. But, I think I look happy and I like my hair :) I didn't have too many expectations for the day but felt quite satisfied at the end of it. I actually relaxed and felt happy and pretended we had money and didn't worry about it. Oh, and I drank Coke. That always helps.