Turning 35

A common question for Rayne to be asked is "how old are you?" Her dad and grandma, especially around her birthday, made a big point of trying to get her to answer "I'm two!"

I watch the kids on the play ground and one of the first questions they ask each other is "how old are you?" They get excited to meet someone their same age. They group together by age. It does seem an important part of their identity.

I remember learning how to say your age in my high school French class. The actual translation was "I have ... years." This actually makes more sense. We have years, we've lived years, we aren't our years, at least not past a certain age.

Significant birthdays seem important. 8 years old in our church and you can be baptized, boys at 12 receive the priesthood, 19 (or 21 for girls) they go on missions. When we are 16 we can drive, 18 vote, 21 drink, 24 rent a car. I don't think I was ever THAT excited to turn an age and past a certain age, it really didn't matter to me anymore. I remember after 19, I just wasn't ready to be older so my mom "let" me stay 19 for a while. But then I think I turned 25, had graduated from college and was working a good job and felt ready to be a new age. At one point I worked a temp job at a flower store just to supplement my income and I'd always wanted to do that. Most the kids working there were in or just out of high school and a lot of people couldn't believe that I was as old as I was (29?). My students often commented on how young I looked and that I looked like I should be a student and not a teacher. My husband is significantly younger than I am. But, like I said, at some point it just didn't matter. I quit counting how old I was because I thought that someday I might feel old and if I didn't know how old I was I couldn't actually get there.

My life is about experiences and things I've done, felt, accomplished. People I've loved and places I've been. I am not my age...

Last August I turned 35.

Yes I say I turned 35 (another strange expression). I feel like I have aged a lot in the last five or so years. I feel like I AM my age. Being married, having babies and no sleep... perhaps it's taken a physical toll on me. I'm not so sure I've actually rested or recovered from having Caius. I felt like I did better being pregnant with him than I did with Rayne but my body has just not been the same. I hurt and I'm out of shape and some things are hard to do that I used to be able to do, like lifting and bending. I put on clothes that still fit, as in the size of them fits around me, but they just aren't the same... probably because my body has changed even more than I realize. I have more white hairs now than ever; I mean to the point I WANT to color my hair a bit. It's not like I'm gray, some people say they don't even see what I'm talking about, but I feel like I want a lift. I feel like it's time. Now that I've finally become comfortable with myself enough to go out without make up and not really care, I feel like I NEED it. The style of clothes I wear... well, I just don't even know what to wear lately. It's all too easy to stay in jammies all day when you're home with the kids, Caius spits his food at me, Rayne soaks the bathroom- and me- every time she takes a bath and most times when she washes her hands. It's not like I go out now and even when I do, like to the grocery store, it's not like people are noticing me as the cute girl or something; I'm a mom. I'm not looking for attention. I've felt very comfortable lately wearing dark colors top and bottom and I think it's because I feel like I'm in the background or something.

If I ever think about how I look, it's not the same as I used to, not even in what I want. I WANT to look like a mom, like a grown up. Sure I want to be pretty and all that, but somehow it's different. It's older or something. The things I'm putting around my house also are different. Some things I've had forever and truly love, but they don't fit me either. I have some old kitchen towels from my first apartment. They are bright and fun and really cute, but I find myself really wanting the towels I have acquired somewhere along the way, in very soft, almost muted colors. I suppose my whole life focus has changed having children and being home. I'm not sure how to manifest that on the outside.