Kudos for JoAnna!

In the middle of a hard day, following a hard night, I had to acknowledge to myself that for any given bad day, there are at least half a dozen good days. For every time I lose my  temper or somehow react in a way I wish I wouldn't have, there are a million times that I do it right.  A bit of a positive view helped the rest of the day go better.

When I was pregnant with Caius, the question came up a few times "what will you do differently?" This wasn't a negative thing, just a what have you learned or what perspective do you have? I have since thought, especially lately and in regards to a mom philosophy, that it might have been more productive to ask "what will you do the same?"
One thing I wanted to do differently was the sleeping thing. Rayne didn't sleep through the night until she was eighteen months old. Honestly, I think I ended up holding her or having her in the bed with me almost all night almost every night. I wanted to do better with Caius and not go sleepless for so long just because I was afraid to let him cry a bit (not that it was EVER that simple with Rayne). Well, a bit over a year old and he's only now, in spite of any efforts, starting to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. We had to give up breastfeeding completely for this to happen. I tried a few times to not feed him through the night but it was just too easy, especially every time he was teething or just before and after I had surgery, to fall back on it as an easy way to help him sleep.
In spite of the exhaustion and my orneriness, I am glad to have had that time with both of them. And the truth is, I was right to hold Rayne every night. And I'm glad that I breast fed Caius for the whole first year even through the night. I loved watching Caius fall asleep, the way his little body would curl up to me and his hands would play with my shirt sleeve. I loved it when Rayne would turn toward me and let me soothe her back to sleep. These things were well worth it! And I believe that my kids needed it just as much or more than I did.
I am glad that I had the courage to quit my job after Rayne was born. I have received a lot of criticism for being a stay at home mom, especially considering our circumstances. But it was and is the right thing to do. I am grateful for the help we get and that it is even possible but I also have to acknowledge that it hasn't been easy for me. Frankly, I give up a lot of what I need in order to do this.
I have really been trying lately to feed us healthier. Sure we still eat Hamburger Helper once a week and Daddy gives them too many Swedish Fish and we even eat things like Ramen, Kraft dinner, Pop Tarts or Kool Aid. But given my knowledge base and lack of experience, I'm doing pretty okay and getting better.
We have never run out of clean laundry and we always have clean dishes to eat from. Even on a lazy day, I tend to do a load or two of laundry, do the dishes, feed the children, and often I bathe them. I may end the day or spend the day thinking of all that needs to be done, but let's for a minute, look at what DID get done. I really do a lot to keep things going around here. The house may never be as clean as I would like, but it never is dirty either.
I read to my children. We try to make time for it everyday. Rayne is a smart girl. I know she just came that way but I have talked to her and shown her things and read to her and should give myself some credit for feeding her little brain. I play with her. I've tried lately to make sure we spend time everyday just doing what she wants to do. I've tried to be more aware of feeding her brain- playing with play dough and building things and singing songs. Caius loves books. He often comes toddling up to me carrying one and gets excited when I sit down to read it to him.
I don't really tell my children no. I'm sure some people think that's bad but I just mean that I try to let them do things even if it's not convenient for me. I go outside when I'm too hot or too tired. I stop what I'm doing to read the book to Caius or help Rayne with something- at least I try to as much as I can. Often I'm the one to instigate putting the couch cushions on the floor for them to climb and jump on. I let them play in the laundry. I hug them and hold them and tell them I love them as often as I can. I try to let them know how important they are to me. I try to support their individuality and encourage their efforts and feelings and desires and ideas.
I take them to church. Well okay. I think we miss at least half the time but I'm getting us there. We sing primary songs. We say our prayers. I'm trying to let them know what I believe in. And to be honest, sometimes I think when we miss I'm also doing the right thing. I try to be sensitive to when I know going will overwhelm Rayne's sensitivities or it really is just more important that Caius stays home and takes a nap. These things are also important to consider.
I love their Daddy. I don't know how to say this, it's probably too personal for a blog but here goes anyway... I have done a lot to establish this family and keep us going as such. I have supported him and been patient through some really hard things. I encourage him and give him what I can which I think is important for my children to see.

I

Q, R, X... Y and Z

What do I think anyway?

Tonight as I rocked Caius back to sleep I was about to say "I wish I could always be a playful Mommy" but stopped myself with the thought well then why don't you just try it? Why don't I just throw out all my uptightness, my trying to be in charge and in control and just laugh more often? Play more? Quit trying so hard to get it all right? Well, because I'm the mom and I don't think that it would work if I did that completely. A mom needs to be in charge. I have to take care of everyone and that means things need to have some structure, some rules, some discipline. It's just that I so easily get frustrated and lose my temper and feel like I just give my kids stress instead of what I'm intending to give them anyway. Bah!

I generally go to my mom's house once a week (sometimes more). My sister Karen (aka Uncle Krush) lives there now and she is awesome and amazing to me and the kids. She takes them in and bounces them on the bed and gets them Kool-Aid and laughs and jokes with Rayne until I'm sure we just wear her (Karen) right out. It does Rayne SO much good though. Their latest game is sneezing sneeze boogers on each other and Rayne just laughs and laughs! I love how relaxed and happy she is with Karen. It gives her something that I see she needs so badly but can't seem to get anywhere else. I've been trying to think lately of how I can be more like Krush, give my kids more of... whatever it is she gives them. I always leave there and come home happier and more playful and it's so good for all of us. But again, I just don't think it's even possible for a mom to really fill that role. I can't let my little girl go around sneezing snot boogers and thinking it's hilarious. She needs to learn some propriety and manners! And it's my job to teach it to her!

But what if I don't think it's so bad for her to do that? What if I think her developing sense of humor and self expression is being exercised here and I value that more than the propriety. I mean, she is only 3 and I think the gross out factor of learning manners will come with time. Perhaps? The real question is ... I used to have so many ideas of what I wanted to be as a mom. That's not as naive as it sounds. Obviously the reality of this job is something you can never imagine or really prepare yourself for. But I believe you can to some extent. I think all my daydreaming and planning and thinking and idealizing about when I would be the mom was in some way a bit of a preparation. I think I need to remember or renew all those thoughts in order to keep me from completely floundering now.

What do I think? What do I want to be for my kids? What do I want to give them? Who is mom? I took a teaching class in which we had to write our teaching philosophy... I need a mom philosophy. My philosophy as mom!

Behavior

Last weekend we went to my niece's 4th birthday party. Rayne has played with Hunter and been at her house a few times and was excited to see her and to play on her playground. For some reason I didn't even think about who else might be there. With Rayne, I usually do think about these kinds of things so we can talk about it before we get there. I try not to build up the anxiety by talking about it way ahead of time, but maybe on the way there we talk about who will be there and what to do if she feels nervous etc. It does seem to help. I didn't even think about it until we were pulling onto the street and there was no place to park. Briefly I talked to Rayne and we got out of the car and started to walk in. As we greeted different people just getting to the house, I physically saw a change in Rayne. Her whole little body slowed and tightened. She was hesitant. She held close to me. I felt sad and wanted to rescue my baby! In the meantime, being a good mom and knowing we would be outside, I remembered to put sunscreen on the kids before we left. Caius cried the whole way there (we had a pretty long drive) which is not like him and by the time we were getting to the house, I realized he had rubbed sunscreen in his eyes! I was concerned and, being me, was pretty soon feeling panicky myself worrying he was going to go blind or something. To Rayne's credit, once we got to the backyard, she was brave enough to go to the other end of the yard and play by herself while I took care of Caius. This was quite a big step for my girl! Eventually it was time for Hunter to open presents and blow out candles etc. There were enough people there that I don't know if Rayne even realized what was going on. When the crowd cleared a bit, she and Caius got over to Hunter's presents and when I told them we couldn't play with them and tried to dissuade them over where we could have cake and ice-cream, I felt like Rayne started really grabbing things and almost throwing them around. Perhaps she was jealous or something? Or maybe I was just overly stressed about Caius and hadn't calmed down so it felt worse than it was? Anyway, when I pulled the kids away, I don't remember what happened or if anything did but Rayne started crying and screaming. It wasn't really a tantrum but more like a tantrum than any anxiety induced thing. I lost my patience and yelled at her telling her she couldn't act that way. I think I even said something dumb like maybe we just can't do these things because she can't handle them; I hope or thought I said it more to myself than to her but still. Not the way I wanted to respond or behave as the mom. I was embarrassed and quite disappointed in myself. I can't describe the hate I feel for myself when I lose my temper at my babies. I really wanted to be good at this job and I get so saddened not knowing what I'm doing and feeling helpless in some situations. Sometimes when I go to bed after a hard day, I go over the situation in my mind so I can figure out, in a calm state, how I wish I would have responded, how to do it better next time. I thought about the party and felt sad that I wasn't more sensitive to Rayne and her anxieties. I wished I would have kept her closer to me and been more with her. At the same time, I felt sad that after taking care of Caius, he got left with other people while I DID play with Rayne and give her attention. Caius was fine and it's good for him to play with Grandma and Nini but I just kind of felt like he was hurt and then Mama had to leave him. To be honest I wasn't sure how I wished I had handled this. It's so overwhelming sometimes. Then I had a thought. Perhaps I didn't like the way I responded but MAYBE I responded that way not because I'm a bad mom but because I really did not approve of Rayne's behavior. I didn't think it was okay for her to act that way and I feel that she is getting old enough to learn about manners and being polite. I know she's still little, but the point is not what she is capable of but that I, as Mom, would feel an expectation of her rather than it's all my fault or under my control and jurisdiction. When your baby is born, you have this helpless little thing that is completely dependent on you. The advice is to breastfeed ON DEMAND, get up at night when SHE cries, learn what HIS cries mean, they will settle into THEIR OWN sleeping and eating schedule. You spend so much time with their wants and needs and figuring out their temperaments that I think it's easy to forget that YOU are mom. My mom has often told me there isn't really a right answer or way of doing it. You have to decide how you want it to go and then just do it, making them fit you if needs be. Sometimes I get what she means. I just wish I could remember. Perhaps I want to improve in my actions. But perhaps it's also okay to think or expect some things too. P.S. Since going to the new format of Blogger, I type my posts and put in paragraphs but when I publish it, there are none. Does anybody know what I'm doing? Also, when I post pictures, all that shows up in the draft is the code, not the picture. This is workable, but rather annoying. Even here, I pushed the italics button and instead of seeing my type in italics, I see the coding instead. ???

Happy 3rd Birthday!

We started Rayne's birthday with a present. Because Caius got a zoo for his birthday, she kept saying she was going to get a zoo with a pink slide (the zoo has a blue slide for the polar bear). I had already bought this toy that is a car garage with lots of red ramps. Red is Rayne's favorite color and I thought this was going to work out perfectly. I was right. She calls it her car zoo. I know it's probably considered a "boy" toy, but it seemed like something she would have fun with and I thought all the ramps would get her mind working as well, something she seems to really need lately.

Our activity for the day was swimming. Sadly, Daddy worked all night and had been sick for several days so he came home just too worn out to go. But Rayne's grandma, great grandma, and cousin all went with us and we had a great time even while missing Daddy.

We came home from swimming for a quick bite followed by cake and ice-cream. Rayne helped make the cake the night before and I decorated it once the kids were in bed. It was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and tiny chocolate chips. We had chocolate chip ice-cream. Do you sense a theme? :) It turned out only Kelsey Grandma and Aunt Nini came over for this but I thought that was just perfect. They didn't mind that I let Rayne sit on the counter, "cut" the cake, or play whatever she and Nini did with the pink flatware BEFORE serving the cake!

Rayne got a lot of really fun presents between her families so I hate to not mention everything but I do have to note how much she LOVES the doll that can go in the bath from Krush and Junior. She's played with baby dolls before but she seems to have really taken to pretending to be a mommy with this one. She pushes it around the house in her little doll stroller and tells me she is pretending to be a mom. And we all LOVE the book Kelsey Grandpa chose called "Giraffes Can't Dance." We've read it multiple times every night since.

Oh and Rayne did get some quality ice-cream time with Daddy the next day. She even requested I take pictures of them doing that :)

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY TO MY PERFECT, ADORABLE, BRILLIANT, HILARIOUS, RAYNE GIRL!!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!

Happy Birthday Caius

We started the day with a present for Caius. I went a bit big on birthday gifts this year- at least I think they are big. I had the present sitting on a chair in the kitchen and was a bit surprised that Caius even noticed and especially that he was very interested in it. He and I were up early and we had to wait for Rayne and then Daddy to get up to open it. The wrapping paper had jungle animals on it so we spent some time looking at the animals.

I expected Rayne to over take things a bit. I didn't want her to be jealous or feel left out but I also think it's okay if she starts to learn that it's his turn and hers will be in a couple weeks. We started out well, putting the zoo together and sharing pieces but once it was set up she didn't want him playing at all. Jeff and I got a bit frustrated trying to explain to her that it was actually Caius' toy and that he should get to play. Eventually it made for an unhappy morning which was really hard for me because, of course, I wanted it to be a perfect day, but I tried to keep my perspective.

We took the kids to the zoo for his special day. Again, this is a bit more than we will probably normally do, but this felt like a significant year. Wouldn't you know, we had record heat and Daddy does not do well with heat. Other than that we had fun. The first thing we saw was a turkey crossing our path and Caius got so excited he about jumped out of the stroller pointing at it. Rayne later said her favorite animal was the gorilla we saw eating grass. We had heard that the new polar bear exhibit, with penguins too, was open but it wasn't so that was too bad. But it was a good day.

After the zoo, we went to Jeff's grandma's for cake and ice-cream. His mom and Joe and my mom and Khrystine came too. Caius got a few more presents and quite enjoyed his cake! I made the cake, with help from Rayne and Daddy, and topped it with more animals for his zoo toy. It was nothing fancy but I wanted to make it rather than store buy it and I thought it turned out cute.

Micro-managing Mama

It's funny where ideas come from. I've been watching a show about kids at an Australian dance academy. One kid is working on choreography and when the dancer just can't get it right, he gets quite frustrated. His mentor takes him aside to remind him that the dancer is also an artist and needs to be able to put her own expression into it as well. He needs to stop micromanaging. It made me think of being a mom. It is my job to feed them, bathe them, dress them, put them to bed, teach them stuff, make sure they behave... I feel a lot of responsibility to get it right. But there is a limit to it. They are little people and who they are, their "artistic expression" is going to come out. I can't, and don't even want to, control it all. My kids are still small and I like putting them to bed, but I often get SO frustrated at the time and effort it takes. Sometimes I worry that I'm doing it wrong (ie setting up bad habits) and should leave them alone a bit more. Other times, I just want to hold my babies and rock them to sleep. But, no matter how much I sing, rock them, rub their backs, even nursing the baby, I can't MAKE them fall asleep until they are ready. I need to let go of the frustration. Rayne often likes me to spoon feed her, especially if it's something messy. Caius on the other hand wants to do it all himself. Sometimes I feel like I follow Rayne around the house trying to get her to just take one bite of something (I don't literally follow her around the house, it just feels like it). And I can't shovel the dropped noodles off of Caius fast enough and he ends up sitting in handfuls of pasta and I just hope something ended up in his mouth. Again, I need to let go of the frustration. I can't MAKE them eat and making a mess is just part of the process. Last night Jeff said he'd never thought of himself as an easy going, go with the flow type person. Until he met me. Being with someone so scheduled and high strung has made him realize how laid back he is. In some ways we are good for each other that way. I always knew I was more uptight- I love lists, charts, rules, schedules, routines. But I didn't want to be so stressed out as a mom. While I think the routine and trying to be organized and tidy are all good for the kids, the stressed out frustrated mom isn't. I really do try to control it all. I don't want to be like that. As I've just let this thought be in my head the last couple days, it's helped. Messes, chaos, not getting things done all drive me crazy. Not that I ever get things perfectly the way I think they should be anyway. But it's helped to let go a bit. To realize, or remind myself, that these are children and their artistic expression needs to be allowed for as well... even if it means it takes forever to get them to sleep, I sweep the floor a thousand times a day to no avail, and in all the mess and bargaining and pleading and sometimes even yelling and crying, hair never gets combed, shoes are on the wrong feet, and I don't know if they ever actually eat anything.