What do I think anyway?

Tonight as I rocked Caius back to sleep I was about to say "I wish I could always be a playful Mommy" but stopped myself with the thought well then why don't you just try it? Why don't I just throw out all my uptightness, my trying to be in charge and in control and just laugh more often? Play more? Quit trying so hard to get it all right? Well, because I'm the mom and I don't think that it would work if I did that completely. A mom needs to be in charge. I have to take care of everyone and that means things need to have some structure, some rules, some discipline. It's just that I so easily get frustrated and lose my temper and feel like I just give my kids stress instead of what I'm intending to give them anyway. Bah!

I generally go to my mom's house once a week (sometimes more). My sister Karen (aka Uncle Krush) lives there now and she is awesome and amazing to me and the kids. She takes them in and bounces them on the bed and gets them Kool-Aid and laughs and jokes with Rayne until I'm sure we just wear her (Karen) right out. It does Rayne SO much good though. Their latest game is sneezing sneeze boogers on each other and Rayne just laughs and laughs! I love how relaxed and happy she is with Karen. It gives her something that I see she needs so badly but can't seem to get anywhere else. I've been trying to think lately of how I can be more like Krush, give my kids more of... whatever it is she gives them. I always leave there and come home happier and more playful and it's so good for all of us. But again, I just don't think it's even possible for a mom to really fill that role. I can't let my little girl go around sneezing snot boogers and thinking it's hilarious. She needs to learn some propriety and manners! And it's my job to teach it to her!

But what if I don't think it's so bad for her to do that? What if I think her developing sense of humor and self expression is being exercised here and I value that more than the propriety. I mean, she is only 3 and I think the gross out factor of learning manners will come with time. Perhaps? The real question is ... I used to have so many ideas of what I wanted to be as a mom. That's not as naive as it sounds. Obviously the reality of this job is something you can never imagine or really prepare yourself for. But I believe you can to some extent. I think all my daydreaming and planning and thinking and idealizing about when I would be the mom was in some way a bit of a preparation. I think I need to remember or renew all those thoughts in order to keep me from completely floundering now.

What do I think? What do I want to be for my kids? What do I want to give them? Who is mom? I took a teaching class in which we had to write our teaching philosophy... I need a mom philosophy. My philosophy as mom!