Puddles

As I watched my children run back and forth between the weed growing in the sidewalk crack from which they were plucking leaves and the puddle in the gutter, I had to ask myself if this is really my great calling in life. Recently inspired by General Conference, I've recommitted myself to being a stay at home mom, not that it was ever in question but I regained some perspective and set some goals. But as I stood there, I wondered, in the big grand scheme of things with all that goes on in the world and even the War in Heaven, is THIS really so important? Would it even matter if I was there? Couldn't it be anyone standing there?

The thought entered my mind "the worth of a soul is great."

In an article about dealing with stress I recently read in a parenting magazine, it said that what your family needs more than anything from you is just your presence. I also remembered growing up in a ward with very few kids my age. I sat through many, many Sunday school lessons about fellowship and helping less active members to come out to church. It wasn't really that there were kids that needed activation so much as, I felt, teachers who didn't feel like it was worth their time to teach just one or two of us. How great in my experience are those that DID take the time to care and befriend and teach me.

Is it true, that I am caring for these souls? Is my love as a mother, that I know is greater than anyone else could feel for them, really so important that it does matter that I am the one standing with them? As I encouraged them and laughed with them as they floated leaves in the puddle and told me how they were helping them get water, I wondered if anyone else would even care about their endeavors. Isn't THAT worth something?

I could never look at these two beautiful little people and say they are not worth it. I suppose that the question is in believing that I am worth it to them.
I have to believe that I am.

Arriving at now

I've been spending a lot of time on Pinterest lately. In part, it's because I need new clothes and don't have money right now, so I'm pretend shopping. I suppose it's also because I'm trying to define myself, redefine. Who am I and how do I show that?
Today I had the thought that I can be whatever I want to be right now. I've never been this age. I've never been a mother. I've never been a wife or a stay at home mom. Even my body has never been this size and shape. I feel like the same person I was when I was 10 or 12, 15, 20, 30... But in a lot of ways, I'm very different.
There have been times in my life when it's almost like I've looked at my past, recent or distant, trying to bring that person into where I was currently. Clothes, hair, hobbies, goals, I'd try to find my current version of what I'd once had. Trying to bring an idealized past version of me into who and what I was currently doing. Or perhaps trying to create a continuation from one step in life to the next. But that has changed.
On the one hand, there is no way to connect my past life with where I am now. It's SO different and this is all so new. But at the same time, I am such a culmination of everything I've ever been, anything I've ever done that I don't have to try to bring that with me, it's just there as it's own piece of my puzzle.
I keep looking at Pinterest, not just at clothes and hair, but food and crafts and places and quotes, trying to figure out who I am right now. I really don't know. And yet, for once, it almost feels okay to not know, not define, because I do know I'm here, I know that I am. And all that stuff is just trying to paint a picture of what I hold on the inside.

Superficially speaking; Clothes

A week or two ago, I wore a new outfit when I went to my mom's house. It wasn't really new, just a refashioning of old stuff, including an old t-shirt of Jeff's. I felt amazingly comfortable in it. Not just physically, it was comfortable to wear, but it felt like me. I would describe the style as "boho" or gypsy and it was shades of gray. My mom and sister complimented me. Not like I was asking about the outfit, but of their own accord, that not only did they like the clothes, but the style was flattering to me.

Being me, if I find something that works, I like to make a rule out of it. We like tacos? Great! Taco Tuesday it is! The kids are more willing to brush their teeth and get dressed if we are going outside? Great! It's part of our routine- get ready to go outside! And so, being so comfortable and complimented, I drove home thinking "this is my new style!" I immediately started planning how I would achieve this.  What items did I need to buy or make or pull out of my closet to put outfits together? What rules could I follow to bring this style into being?

Okay, so rules and using what works is quite practical. I have to admit I enjoy being practical. I don't like to have a lot of shoes or lipstick colors to choose from. I like what works. Routines help us stay focused and grounded and calm. They help get things done. This is all great. I like to think I'm a productive person and this is all part of that.

But...

One day I was thinking of wearing the aforementioned outfit, or putting something similar together and guess what? I didn't feel like wearing that style. Perhaps I was going to clean the toilet and couldn't have flowy things falling in. Or maybe I was going to the grocery store and wanted something more ... whatever. Then we are always going to the playground and I didn't want to snag the scarf. And it dawned on me.
Maybe I don't need multiple outfits of the same thing. Perhaps I can just enjoy that one perfect outfit on the days that's what I want to wear. And then I have a mom day outfit or one for days I'm going visiting teaching or what I wear when we meet friends at the park. I could even have an outfit for staying home and scrubbing toilets and tubs and mopping the floor. Maybe it's even okay if I wear the same one or two outfits to church each week!

It kind of makes me feel scattered to have different styles on different days. Like I'm not really being honest to who I am if one day it's gypsy and the next more preppy. It probably sounds silly but this is an important thing to learn about myself. I've accepted that I like only one lipstick and two pairs of shoes (okay, I have three- sneakers and two for church- and I'm really wanting some flip flops for summer!). Now maybe I need to accept that I have different roles on different days and that it's okay if I also have different moods. Dress up one day, extremely down the next. It's okay!!

Just something I observed (learned?) today

I was outside with the kids today. They were riding bikes around the apartments and there were a couple kids behind us on the playground. As we went one way, I saw a woman get out of her car, call a kid by his full name and tell him he was in big trouble. When they came back to where we were, she was asking what the heck he thought he was doing and he told her she wasn't in charge of him to which she replied she was his sister and yes she was. As the turned into the stairway she said you wanna tell mom what you were doing. Then she explained that he was standing on the green thing (I don't know what they are- something to do with power or something) peeing! The mom seemed more upset that he was doing this in front of a little girl than that he was doing it and told him he was grounded from the playground for the rest of the day as she got him in the car.
The little boy, through all of this was crying and arguing even though he really had nothing to say for himself. Being me, I of course felt sorry for him. Maybe he didn't know better or didn't think ahead that far or ??? But the truth is, the mom was right and she certainly wasn't acting out of hand. She wasn't irate and mean and hurtful. She scolded him for sure but nothing that was uncalled for.
Hm...
I am so afraid of hurting my kids. I ALWAYS give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to not believe them or expect more than they are capable of. I don't want to make them feel bad no matter how bad they are behaving. Whenever I do "lose it" and yell at them or really insist on what I told them to do, I feel horrible and mean.
But maybe I'm not.
Maybe I should do that more often.
I don't really know if my kids are out of hand or if they are pretty normal. But I do know Rayne gets away with a lot of meanness at her brother. I think they are both getting a bit spoiled and demanding. And they definitely could behave better a great deal of the time.
Rather than see myself as mean, I've got to take responsibility for what they are learning. Teaching them how to handle situations and express themselves in a way that gets results rather than makes people want to scream back. And one thing I read was interesting... about teaching your kids they can believe in you and trust what you say and that includes when you say there is going to be a given consequence for a certain action. Don't let them get away with it if you told them they couldn't because they need to be able to ALWAYS trust you. Hadn't thought of it like that...

Food for Thought

One freezing cold Saturday I took both kids out through the slush covered parking lots to the grocery store to get some milk and bread. After getting us and the groceries home and up the stairs, we were all cold and hungry. Caius' favorite thing is Kraft dinner and it sounded good to me so I made some for lunch. To round it out into an actual meal I added some fish sticks and peas. My normal thoughts about the menu would go something like this. Kraft dinner has no food value. Fish sticks are prepared in so much fat they don't really count as fish. I may even think that peas, frozen at that, are too simple or common to really count as a vegetable.
But those aren't the thoughts I had that day that stood out. My thought was, it's okay to eat this much lunch because we are cold and tired and I'm planning a lighter dinner. I didn't really notice the thought until the next day when I opened a can of refried beans and put together some bean and cheese burritos for lunch. I was very concerned because it was just too much to eat when we were going to have whatever Sunday dinner I was planning (never anything very big or overly fancy, by the way).
And that's when I realized that I think breakfast and lunch don't really count. Sure you need to eat something to keep you going, but you're really only supposed to eat one "meal" a day so it shouldn't be much at all. Hmm. That can't be true can it?
I've been thinking on this for a while now. I've been trying to add a bit more protein to our diet. It's supposed to help process the carbs and keep blood sugar levels more balanced. For a while I was doing pretty well including some bit of protein for breakfast and I felt A LOT better. So in that regard, I've been trying to make more of a meal out of breakfast. I also realize that kids need a good flow of energy so I try to make sure lunch and snacks are decent. But for myself, I still find myself thinking that I shouldn't be eating anything any time I eat.
Which brings up other fallacies in my thinking of food.
I've realized that I don't think of fruit as a real food. Sure, it's better than a candy bar, but it has too much sugar, especially thinking diabetically. And, if it comes in a can, or even frozen, it's not worth anything. Unless you eat it fresh, it just doesn't count. Even then, it's a treat or a dessert.
Vegetables are a bit better. I know they are good for you and we should be eating nothing but veggies. But again, we have the problem that they should all be fresh, canned is bad. And most vegetables I'm familiar with and that the kids might (big might) be persuaded to eat aren't exotic or fancy enough. Potatoes are too starchy. Corn is really a grain. Iceberg lettuce (and watermelon for that matter) lacks vitamins and fiber etc.

More of this Energy Talk

Last night before I got in the shower, I stood in my closet trying to figure out if a few pieces I have fit in with this energy stuff I've been talking and thinking about lately. I had two shirts that I thought should work but just couldn't feel like they did. I finally gave up trying to make them work with something, thinking the one shirt probably doesn't fit anymore anyway so I could quit worrying about it. I then thought it would be okay if I just stick with things that work if I really want to go all the way with this.
After my shower I walked to the kitchen remembering a conversation I had with my mom earlier that day. We were looking at some dresses and I explained that one, while it had "my" colors, I didn't think worked because of the flow of it. I compared it to another that did flow and blend the way this system says I should in order to honor my energy. My mom said, "but you don't want to be muted everyday for the rest of your life!" And I responded, "but that's what I am."
(If you read this mom, don't take it as a criticism. I appreciate what you meant when you said that. I'm just trying to say what I thought thinking about it in another context).
And as I stood in my kitchen I gave myself permission to let go of what doesn't work. I am really liking the way this stuff feels and I want to make a comittment to it, to myself, and let myself have fun and believe in it. I want to give myself permission to be muted and soft and subtle and toned down. I've always hated people telling me that's "all" I was and yet I feel now that I have been struggling to be stronger, more defined, funner, cuter... for a very long time. It's okay to let go of that. It's okay to wear what makes me feel good and like what I am on the inside is coming out on the outside. The point of this program is that every woman (person actually) is beautiful and has qualities that aren't always acknowledged by fashion and media. I want to accept that in myself. I want to love myself. I want to express that love.
Yesterday Rayne was admiring my necklace telling me how pretty it was. Then she said "it makes everyone else feel happy looking at it." Honestly, that's what I'm seeking for. Peace in myself and that by being true to my nature, my children will feel honored in theirs as well. What more could I ask to give them!?

Me Love

I'm wanting to post about something that I am admittedly shy to talk about. So as I often do, I'm starting my blog with an apology. As if I'm sorry to make you read about this? If you don't want to, you won't be here right? ...

Mom, Khrystine and I have all posted previously about Dressing Your Truth by Carol Tuttle, or Energy Profiling. In my own words, the idea is that there are four basic building blocks of life, oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen and carbon. Each of these elements are what we are made of and we each "lead" with a dominant energy type. You can find more at dressingyourtruth.com.

Mom and Khrystine recently went to another presentation by Carol Tuttle and got excited about this stuff again. So, I pulled out my book and started reading again. It was so obvious this time around which type I am. I figured it out before but of course had to look at all the possibilities. And, I mostly wanted to read about Mom and Khrystine's type (they are the same). As I read about them, I felt overwhelmingly sure that this type is also my little Rayne girl. So many things explained about her! It made me excited.

Carol Tuttle also has a book out called The Child Whisperer. I was able to get this book and have been devouring it. As I've before posted, I have been taking my little girl to therapy for anxiety. To be honest, I have often been left feeling like it's all my fault, there's this huge problem here, and then nothing really gets better. When I started taking Zoloft, things did improve I think. And then I read about this energy stuff and I no longer see or feel that there's something wrong with her. We have issues. But it has really helped me to understand her basic nature and how she sees things. I'm left feeling empowered to respect and honor her rather than that I have to fix her and make her better. It's SUCH an improvement.

Part of energy profiling, at least from the Dressing your Truth angle, is about wearing colors, textures, styles that fit with your energy. Perhaps it sounds either superficial or a bit too "out there" to be true. But I think it is. As I've started to incorporate these things into how I dress, I feel a calmness about myself I've been looking for for a long time. I DO feel like MY energy, what I'm made of, is flowing as it has always been intended to.
I've also tried to be more aware of Rayne's colors. She has, before this, insisted that she hates light colors and likes dark colors. And, she's right! I feel like as I've tried to dress her with this in mind, I feel like she is calmer and happier. She talks about "my colors" and I now have a way of talking to her about her inner qualities as well. It helps SO much!

It was suggested when I started this that I take before and after pictures of myself and my closet. I've tried to do this. I'm not a photographer and I find it harder than heck to take a good self portrait. But I tried. I'm a bit reluctant to share. But here is my before closet:

I picked this picture to share because it's up close of the colors and patterns of my clothes.
And this is so far my after closet:

Again, not very great pictures, but I think you can tell there is a different energy or flow. The colors are more blended and calm. It's not a scattered bunch of stuff, which is a good way to describe how I've felt inside. I've been a bit of a scattered mess for a while. Or worse, I've been something hidden in the mess. By trying to do this, I have been calmed. I feel peace. I feel connected to myself. My clothes, my closet, are starting to show this.

I should note too that I'm poor and don't have much money to invest in new clothes etc. Most of what you see are things that I already had. I've put them together in a better way. I've pulled out things I loved but didn't know how to wear.

And now for before pictures. This first one, I think Rayne took. This was a pretty typical day. My hair was kind of done. I'm wearing comfortable clothes. Little or no make-up.

This one I tried to take of myself. I'm outside with too much sun. But I know on this day, I tried to do my hair. I think I may even have make-up on as I would normally do it. The colors I'm wearing are pretty typical.
And some after shots. Or, I like to call them, work-in-progress shots. Trying to see some color, some accessories, figuring out what to do with my hair.

I'm really not so self absorbed. I'm just very excited to feel good about myself. And I'm extremely excited to have some insight to my children and other people I care about. Being at peace with myself is definitely extending to other people as well.