I was outside with the kids today. They were riding bikes around the apartments and there were a couple kids behind us on the playground. As we went one way, I saw a woman get out of her car, call a kid by his full name and tell him he was in big trouble. When they came back to where we were, she was asking what the heck he thought he was doing and he told her she wasn't in charge of him to which she replied she was his sister and yes she was. As the turned into the stairway she said you wanna tell mom what you were doing. Then she explained that he was standing on the green thing (I don't know what they are- something to do with power or something) peeing! The mom seemed more upset that he was doing this in front of a little girl than that he was doing it and told him he was grounded from the playground for the rest of the day as she got him in the car.
The little boy, through all of this was crying and arguing even though he really had nothing to say for himself. Being me, I of course felt sorry for him. Maybe he didn't know better or didn't think ahead that far or ??? But the truth is, the mom was right and she certainly wasn't acting out of hand. She wasn't irate and mean and hurtful. She scolded him for sure but nothing that was uncalled for.
Hm...
I am so afraid of hurting my kids. I ALWAYS give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to not believe them or expect more than they are capable of. I don't want to make them feel bad no matter how bad they are behaving. Whenever I do "lose it" and yell at them or really insist on what I told them to do, I feel horrible and mean.
But maybe I'm not.
Maybe I should do that more often.
I don't really know if my kids are out of hand or if they are pretty normal. But I do know Rayne gets away with a lot of meanness at her brother. I think they are both getting a bit spoiled and demanding. And they definitely could behave better a great deal of the time.
Rather than see myself as mean, I've got to take responsibility for what they are learning. Teaching them how to handle situations and express themselves in a way that gets results rather than makes people want to scream back. And one thing I read was interesting... about teaching your kids they can believe in you and trust what you say and that includes when you say there is going to be a given consequence for a certain action. Don't let them get away with it if you told them they couldn't because they need to be able to ALWAYS trust you. Hadn't thought of it like that...
One thought I recently had is that punishment (even in mild forms, such as stern talking or denying a privilege) allows children to see the difference between loving, harmonious, generous behavior and selfish, demanding, inconsiderate behavior. If we always respond to kids with whatever they want, no matter their behavior, then they are denied the chance of learning what it means to interact with people in loving ways. From their point of view, there won't be a practical difference in being kind to others and not if the results are the same either way.
ReplyDeleteIt's just the beginnings of an idea, really. I don't think I'm articulating it well here, but hopefully you get the idea.