It's easy when you have a defiant child to get in the habit of what I call pre-defense talking. I get so used to everything being challenged and I'm told "no" so often, I've started just trying to sound firm and in charge from the start. Lately, I have really felt like she is bossy and demanding in the way she talks to me and I've had to stop and wonder if that's how she feels I talk to her.
So yesterday I really tried to make a point of speaking nicely to each other. I can't really insist that she say please and ask nicely when I'm always telling her what she has to do without any consideration for how she feels. At first it felt kind of forced. I was surprised how often I had to stop and rephrase things. Instead of "get your shoes on!" I had to say "please will you get your shoes on?" Sometimes the nice talk, frankly, makes me feel kinda stupid, like if anyone was listening they'd think no wonder I'm such a push over and she rules the house. But the nice talk quickly set in and it made quite a difference yesterday. I don't know that she was really much more likely to do what I said but we were happier and laughing more and there was definitely a lighter tone in the air and things went much more smoothly. When you are in the flow of things, there isn't so much need to be telling her what to do.
P.S. Any suggestions for dealing with a defiant child? There are some things I do have to insist on and the more I do so, the more she insists on her own way. Sometimes it seems to help if I kind of walk away- if I tell her what needs to be done and then do something else myself. It's like that makes her get that I'm serious more than me standing there trying to oversee it all and "make sure" it gets done. Any other thoughts?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Rules
For the record, I've been feeling a lot better since my last post. I felt rather hit in the head with things but it's helped make me (or perhaps I should say given me permission to?) look at myself and what I need and what needs to be happening around here. I've had some really constructive thoughts and some deep breaths. I should also note that it's not like I'm in crisis here, not wallowing away or anything. We are doing okay. I just need to get better.
I've been thinking for a while about schedules, rules, and routines. They say kids really need them. I know I really need them. I've also wished that I could not be like that and just go with the flow and be more relaxed about things. Perhaps the two are not related (structure vs. not stress). I've found myself really thinking about rules the last few days.
Rules are hard for me when it comes to the children. I tend to err on the side of thinking they are too young to really know any better but I think I still find myself expecting a lot of the kids and being surprised I've had to repeat myself so many times about certain issues. I think I've heard that children can handle about one rule for every year of age and that gets complicated too. I feel that something like "be nice" is too general a rule but "don't hit your brother" quickly expands into no hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, name calling, yelling... and that's just too much. The other problem I have is knowing that I have to enforce and be consistent with whatever rules I do make official. I find it too easy to make exceptions or that if we're at the store that's different than being at grandma's which is different than at home and... I guess I have a hard time with the consistency thing.
So, it finally dawned on me the other day that it's not THEM that needs rules, it's ME. If I give the rules to myself, being the one that has to follow through with them anyway, they (the kids) would kind of fall into place. The hardest things for me right now are bedtime and eating. I suppose I could write a whole blog just on these issues. But I thought I'd start with what I need with those things... oh and maybe some personal space/time for Mama... and give myself some rules and then things can go from there.
So, this is a working list, a start. I've been thinking about them for a while but have yet to solidify it all:
EATING:
Meals and snacks will be served at the table at certain times. Eating other than this is frowned upon- that means you too Daddy who lives on his own schedule.
Exceptions may be (or maybe should not be):
breakfast is really much easier if I just get a big bowl of cereal and I feed them while sitting on the couch as we wake up, watch t.v., get Daddy home etc. Hm. Saying it out loud sounds really dumb and perhaps breakfast should be a better start to our day?
I'm seriously considering today buying a big plastic table cloth and spreading it on the floor as a picnic blanket for some snacks and perhaps lunchtime.
Also need to consider sippy cups. I'd like to get rid of them for anyone over two years old? Or does that give one kid something the other can't have? But definitely need to rid us of carrying them around the house.
BEDTIME:
snack at 6:30 after changing diapers, getting on pj's etc
7:00 both kids brush teeth, come hair
Rayne to her room for quiet play, Caius bedtime
I was thinking tonight that if Rayne would play alone for an hour (she was doing well with that for a while), I could just say 7-8 is Caius' bedtime and 8-9 is for Rayne. If Caius is asleep sooner, yay! (he usually is) and Mommy gets some time to read or something. I think it helped Rayne sleep to play alone in her room- know it's her space, she's safe alone etc. Plus, then I don't feel like it takes 2 hours just to get kids to bed.
Bedtime routines: we're pretty good on this one! Books, stretches, bed
The problem is, Caius often wakes up within an hour of going to sleep and this often interrupts Rayne's time. Suggestions?!?!?!
Jeff's time is 9-9:30
9:30-10:30 Mommy time- this means doing what I WANT and something so I can rest. Not catching up/finishing up housework, folding laundry (I do find that relaxing sometimes) etc. I'm serious on this one JoAnna-force yourself to relax! :)
MAMA NEEDS SOME PRIVACY AND SELF TIME:
I think I will start with, if Daddy is here/awake, Mommy goes to the bathroom or gets dressed alone. Rayne really struggles with this. Even if she's playing or watching a movie, if I go in the bathroom, she at least has to come check on me or something.
I've been making Jeff let me shower in the morning (instead of at night after kids go to bed) at least a few times a week (I shower everyday, just sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night). I think this should start becoming everyday.
I really want to start having an hour a week that Daddy keeps the kids and I go out alone.
I've been thinking for a while about schedules, rules, and routines. They say kids really need them. I know I really need them. I've also wished that I could not be like that and just go with the flow and be more relaxed about things. Perhaps the two are not related (structure vs. not stress). I've found myself really thinking about rules the last few days.
Rules are hard for me when it comes to the children. I tend to err on the side of thinking they are too young to really know any better but I think I still find myself expecting a lot of the kids and being surprised I've had to repeat myself so many times about certain issues. I think I've heard that children can handle about one rule for every year of age and that gets complicated too. I feel that something like "be nice" is too general a rule but "don't hit your brother" quickly expands into no hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, name calling, yelling... and that's just too much. The other problem I have is knowing that I have to enforce and be consistent with whatever rules I do make official. I find it too easy to make exceptions or that if we're at the store that's different than being at grandma's which is different than at home and... I guess I have a hard time with the consistency thing.
So, it finally dawned on me the other day that it's not THEM that needs rules, it's ME. If I give the rules to myself, being the one that has to follow through with them anyway, they (the kids) would kind of fall into place. The hardest things for me right now are bedtime and eating. I suppose I could write a whole blog just on these issues. But I thought I'd start with what I need with those things... oh and maybe some personal space/time for Mama... and give myself some rules and then things can go from there.
So, this is a working list, a start. I've been thinking about them for a while but have yet to solidify it all:
EATING:
Meals and snacks will be served at the table at certain times. Eating other than this is frowned upon- that means you too Daddy who lives on his own schedule.
Exceptions may be (or maybe should not be):
breakfast is really much easier if I just get a big bowl of cereal and I feed them while sitting on the couch as we wake up, watch t.v., get Daddy home etc. Hm. Saying it out loud sounds really dumb and perhaps breakfast should be a better start to our day?
I'm seriously considering today buying a big plastic table cloth and spreading it on the floor as a picnic blanket for some snacks and perhaps lunchtime.
Also need to consider sippy cups. I'd like to get rid of them for anyone over two years old? Or does that give one kid something the other can't have? But definitely need to rid us of carrying them around the house.
BEDTIME:
snack at 6:30 after changing diapers, getting on pj's etc
7:00 both kids brush teeth, come hair
Rayne to her room for quiet play, Caius bedtime
I was thinking tonight that if Rayne would play alone for an hour (she was doing well with that for a while), I could just say 7-8 is Caius' bedtime and 8-9 is for Rayne. If Caius is asleep sooner, yay! (he usually is) and Mommy gets some time to read or something. I think it helped Rayne sleep to play alone in her room- know it's her space, she's safe alone etc. Plus, then I don't feel like it takes 2 hours just to get kids to bed.
Bedtime routines: we're pretty good on this one! Books, stretches, bed
The problem is, Caius often wakes up within an hour of going to sleep and this often interrupts Rayne's time. Suggestions?!?!?!
Jeff's time is 9-9:30
9:30-10:30 Mommy time- this means doing what I WANT and something so I can rest. Not catching up/finishing up housework, folding laundry (I do find that relaxing sometimes) etc. I'm serious on this one JoAnna-force yourself to relax! :)
MAMA NEEDS SOME PRIVACY AND SELF TIME:
I think I will start with, if Daddy is here/awake, Mommy goes to the bathroom or gets dressed alone. Rayne really struggles with this. Even if she's playing or watching a movie, if I go in the bathroom, she at least has to come check on me or something.
I've been making Jeff let me shower in the morning (instead of at night after kids go to bed) at least a few times a week (I shower everyday, just sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night). I think this should start becoming everyday.
I really want to start having an hour a week that Daddy keeps the kids and I go out alone.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Facing up to some denial
Did you know that the doctor gave me a prescription for post-par tum depression after Rayne was born? The main reason I didn't fill it is because I was breast feeding and although he said it was safe, I just didn't want it in me. But another reason was I didn't want to say it was post par tum. There were so many things going on in my life that I was stressed and sad about, I didn't want people thinking it was my baby or that I couldn't handle it or that she was stressing me. In fact, the only times I was happy was when I was with my baby- playing on the bed, laughing, taking walks; I'd show her things and sing primary songs and hold her all the time. She cried a lot but it didn't bother me. I mean, sometimes I worried, but it didn't stress me. I felt like it was just what I was there for.
After Caius was born I talked to someone quite a bit about post par tum depression and how it feels and what you can do for it and how to get help. In saying this, I think there are worse case scenarios out there and I don't want to say I was THAT bad off or belittle what anyone else goes through by simply saying I'm sad too, but...
I'm sad too.
Yesterday I took Rayne to see a psychiatrist for anxiety. It was just an initial visit, I think they call it a screening. Mostly she asked us questions and observed and wrote a lot of things down. I made the appointment months ago at the referral of our pediatrician. In preparation for the visit I had to fill out a lot of paperwork, all kinds of questions about her and me. It was kind of cool because they put all that information in a computer and quantify it onto a graph. About the only feedback we did get yesterday (we will do part 2 in a couple weeks and that will tell us what needs to come next) is that not only is Rayne's anxiety and emotional stress high, but so is my stress and depression.
She told me I'm depressed and that's...well... depressing.
It means I'm not hiding it well. I'm not holding it together. And in my mind at least, that means I'm not doing a good job. Again I want to scream that it's not my babies but everything around me. And then I have to admit that about the only times I am happy are when I'm with my babies. Probably alone. When I don't have to think about what Jeff's going to eat or if he's going to help, what his mom feels or mine thinks, or what anyone has to say... about much of anything.
There are times when I feel so incredibly happy. I LOVE and adore my kids so much I feel like I'll explode. I love my home and where we live and the views out our windows. We have what we need.
But sometimes... there are things I'm sad about.
So what do I do? Start taking some pills? Start admitting to everything that makes me mad or sad, a lot of which is in the past and not worth bringing up now except that I never dealt with it then? Start making some demands and figuring out what Mama needs?
I'm not sure I'm ready to ask those questions yet. I've let myself feel down and just ponder over this today. I feel my insides working on it and I know I will be okay because I always am. Yesterday just made it real and made me realize that it's having an effect not just on me but on my babies... and that I will not do!
After Caius was born I talked to someone quite a bit about post par tum depression and how it feels and what you can do for it and how to get help. In saying this, I think there are worse case scenarios out there and I don't want to say I was THAT bad off or belittle what anyone else goes through by simply saying I'm sad too, but...
I'm sad too.
Yesterday I took Rayne to see a psychiatrist for anxiety. It was just an initial visit, I think they call it a screening. Mostly she asked us questions and observed and wrote a lot of things down. I made the appointment months ago at the referral of our pediatrician. In preparation for the visit I had to fill out a lot of paperwork, all kinds of questions about her and me. It was kind of cool because they put all that information in a computer and quantify it onto a graph. About the only feedback we did get yesterday (we will do part 2 in a couple weeks and that will tell us what needs to come next) is that not only is Rayne's anxiety and emotional stress high, but so is my stress and depression.
She told me I'm depressed and that's...well... depressing.
It means I'm not hiding it well. I'm not holding it together. And in my mind at least, that means I'm not doing a good job. Again I want to scream that it's not my babies but everything around me. And then I have to admit that about the only times I am happy are when I'm with my babies. Probably alone. When I don't have to think about what Jeff's going to eat or if he's going to help, what his mom feels or mine thinks, or what anyone has to say... about much of anything.
There are times when I feel so incredibly happy. I LOVE and adore my kids so much I feel like I'll explode. I love my home and where we live and the views out our windows. We have what we need.
But sometimes... there are things I'm sad about.
So what do I do? Start taking some pills? Start admitting to everything that makes me mad or sad, a lot of which is in the past and not worth bringing up now except that I never dealt with it then? Start making some demands and figuring out what Mama needs?
I'm not sure I'm ready to ask those questions yet. I've let myself feel down and just ponder over this today. I feel my insides working on it and I know I will be okay because I always am. Yesterday just made it real and made me realize that it's having an effect not just on me but on my babies... and that I will not do!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Holiday Brain Storm
I've been wanting to post about holidays for a while now. For various reasons (different expectations, small children, etc) holidays seem to be difficult around here but are becoming increasingly important to me as the kids get older and we are becoming our own family. Well, we've been in our apartment for a year now and I thought I'd just start a list of what the holidays are or should be. It's just a start and I'm not explaining, defending, or critiquing myself. And yes, I realize a lot of it revolves around food :)
4th of July:
Popcorn and cookies on the couch watching fireworks out our window, hot dogs and potato salad for lunch, black-cherry soda, slushies or ice-cream, parades, bbq, family movie (going out or renting)
24th of July: family stories/history, parade, activity like swimming
My birthday: cake and a few people over, maybe flowers or balloons, a special dinner (maybe I don't have to cook!)
Halloween: chili and corn bread or stew and biscuits, costumes, donuts or cupcakes and cider, trick or treat or ward party if kids are interested, decorations
Thanksgiving: dinner with MY family- I think the Mr has forfeited his right to any claims several times over on this one!, am willing to have it at my house until someone else decides they want it, doesn't mean I want to be in charge, but am happy to give my space and cook what I am capable of, cute appetizers/place settings, want a pretty table cloth
Christmas: Christmas Eve at Jeff's grandma/mom's family, decorations and tree all month, music/movies/stories all month, cookies, gingerbread house, send cards, fun cereal in the morning, breakfast with Kelsey's that day or another?, visit Jeff's dad sometime, stockings include: coloring book and crayons, gold coins, presents: toy from Santa, books are a must, something special/made from Mom
New Year's Eve: NOT a kid holiday, possibly when they are 10 or 12 and want to stay up I will let them, games with the kids, journal writing, scrapbooks, resolutions, dancing in the kitchen
Valentine's day: exchange cards with Jeff, something cute (cards, candies) for the kids, get the kids to make something/send Valentine's, decorate
Wedding anniversary: dinner out, flowers
Easter: decorating eggs, Spring flowers etc around the house, candies, special small present and Easter baskets with treats, blowing bubbles, new dress/church clothes
Caius' and Rayne's birthday: home made cake, toy and a new outfit, favorite dinner, perhaps family over or an activity, don't believe in friend parties until they are a bit older.
Mother's day and Father's day: kids make something special, a favorite breakfast or dinner
Jeff's birthday: cheesecake or crumb cake, favorite dinner
St Patrick's day: would like to do something fun with green and shamrocks, not a big deal
Memorial day
Labor day
4th of July:
Popcorn and cookies on the couch watching fireworks out our window, hot dogs and potato salad for lunch, black-cherry soda, slushies or ice-cream, parades, bbq, family movie (going out or renting)
24th of July: family stories/history, parade, activity like swimming
My birthday: cake and a few people over, maybe flowers or balloons, a special dinner (maybe I don't have to cook!)
Halloween: chili and corn bread or stew and biscuits, costumes, donuts or cupcakes and cider, trick or treat or ward party if kids are interested, decorations
Thanksgiving: dinner with MY family- I think the Mr has forfeited his right to any claims several times over on this one!, am willing to have it at my house until someone else decides they want it, doesn't mean I want to be in charge, but am happy to give my space and cook what I am capable of, cute appetizers/place settings, want a pretty table cloth
Christmas: Christmas Eve at Jeff's grandma/mom's family, decorations and tree all month, music/movies/stories all month, cookies, gingerbread house, send cards, fun cereal in the morning, breakfast with Kelsey's that day or another?, visit Jeff's dad sometime, stockings include: coloring book and crayons, gold coins, presents: toy from Santa, books are a must, something special/made from Mom
New Year's Eve: NOT a kid holiday, possibly when they are 10 or 12 and want to stay up I will let them, games with the kids, journal writing, scrapbooks, resolutions, dancing in the kitchen
Valentine's day: exchange cards with Jeff, something cute (cards, candies) for the kids, get the kids to make something/send Valentine's, decorate
Wedding anniversary: dinner out, flowers
Easter: decorating eggs, Spring flowers etc around the house, candies, special small present and Easter baskets with treats, blowing bubbles, new dress/church clothes
Caius' and Rayne's birthday: home made cake, toy and a new outfit, favorite dinner, perhaps family over or an activity, don't believe in friend parties until they are a bit older.
Mother's day and Father's day: kids make something special, a favorite breakfast or dinner
Jeff's birthday: cheesecake or crumb cake, favorite dinner
St Patrick's day: would like to do something fun with green and shamrocks, not a big deal
Memorial day
Labor day
Friday, July 13, 2012
Life in a scrapbook
I tend to plan holidays and special occasions trying to think what will look fun on the scrapbook page or what I'll say on my blog.
I clean the house thinking of what people will see when they walk in.
I often think of what I should be doing as a mother, the activities, play groups, outings etc that I see other mothers doing for their children.
When people say mothers need to take time for themselves, I look at what other mothers do and wonder how they make the time for it. I think of joining them and some of the activities I've been invited to.
What I need to remember/think instead:
My children will remember what we DID do, not what we didn't. What would be fun for them? What would we like to do as a family to start our traditions? What do Jeff and I enjoy doing, what's a part of who we are, that we can give and share with our children?
I want a clean house for US. I want to make it work so we are comfortable and have space to create our life and activities. I'd much rather have a counter covered in crafts and projects than a clean, presentable one.
I need to look at my children and think of what they enjoy and their personalities. Also, what do I have to give and teach them? What fits with our way of being?
I need to ask myself what I need. What would restore me? What are my hobbies and past times that I need to reconnect with?
It's always bothered me how much I worry what other people think and my almost uncontrollable drive to "please" other people even when intellectually I know I don't care what they think, I don't like them anyway, I know what I think matters more etc. But a lot of these things I look to other people not because I'm trying to impress the world but because I'm looking for the "right" way to do things.
Today I read in a book (it's funny how if someone else says it- back to what I was just saying- it frees me to make it mine) "there is no right way." I think I will make that my new mantra. P.S. Yes I know and accept and believe in choosing the right and the straight and narrow path etc. It's just my faulty thinking that, for example, takes the leap from the right thing being "love and teach my children" to "what's the absolute right and best way to do so?"
I clean the house thinking of what people will see when they walk in.
I often think of what I should be doing as a mother, the activities, play groups, outings etc that I see other mothers doing for their children.
When people say mothers need to take time for themselves, I look at what other mothers do and wonder how they make the time for it. I think of joining them and some of the activities I've been invited to.
What I need to remember/think instead:
My children will remember what we DID do, not what we didn't. What would be fun for them? What would we like to do as a family to start our traditions? What do Jeff and I enjoy doing, what's a part of who we are, that we can give and share with our children?
I want a clean house for US. I want to make it work so we are comfortable and have space to create our life and activities. I'd much rather have a counter covered in crafts and projects than a clean, presentable one.
I need to look at my children and think of what they enjoy and their personalities. Also, what do I have to give and teach them? What fits with our way of being?
I need to ask myself what I need. What would restore me? What are my hobbies and past times that I need to reconnect with?
It's always bothered me how much I worry what other people think and my almost uncontrollable drive to "please" other people even when intellectually I know I don't care what they think, I don't like them anyway, I know what I think matters more etc. But a lot of these things I look to other people not because I'm trying to impress the world but because I'm looking for the "right" way to do things.
Today I read in a book (it's funny how if someone else says it- back to what I was just saying- it frees me to make it mine) "there is no right way." I think I will make that my new mantra. P.S. Yes I know and accept and believe in choosing the right and the straight and narrow path etc. It's just my faulty thinking that, for example, takes the leap from the right thing being "love and teach my children" to "what's the absolute right and best way to do so?"
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Definite Thought for Mom Philosophy
Someone I love quite dearly posted this on Facebook today:
In some ways it was validating for me:
When I say I have a difficult child and often feel that people think I should just smack her and make her behave, I am NOT just being sensitive. Some of my close relations probably do feel this way.
The gut wrenching, sick to my stomach feeling I had reading this and having someone actually "say it out loud" has given me the chance to say definitively, if only to myself, that I do NOT agree with this. Sadly and with a broken heart, I admit to spatting my kids' sweet little diapered bottoms in a middle of a tantrum when I'm exhausted, don't know what to do and am trying to gain control and get their attention. I have even swatted Rayne on the head when she's clobbered her brother because I am very upset at her behavior. I hate myself in these situations and do NOT believe that is how they should be handled. But I have never hurt my children physically and I have never used that threat (ie fear of punishment) to control behavior. I think that is wrong.
I recently started reading a new book called "Connected Parenting" by Jennifer Kolari. So far it speaks volumes to my philosophies for parenting and promises to help me use this to help my children. Silly me, I often skip to the back page of a book after reading a chapter and read the last paragraph or two. This is what is says:
"As part of their bedtime routine, I started to sing them lullabies and tell them stories. They loved listening, and their tough exterior melted away as I sang and told them stories about faraway places... They started to listen instead of always ignoring or arguing with me. The other staff members decided it was because I was too soft and I was letting them get away with things, but it wasn't. The difference was that I had established a relationship with them, and they wanted to listen to me because I cared about them. Those kids taught me how critical it is to show compassion and how essential it is to help children be their best..."
"In the end, when they're adults and out of the house, I believe that what we want them to remember is how special they were to us and how deeply loved they felt. This is a gift that will last them a lifetime and one that they will then pass on to their own children."
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Wishful thinking...
Sometimes I wish that I shopped at the health food store and always fed my family organic, healthy foods. We'd eat granola with fruit for breakfast and lots of vegies for dinner. I'd wear minimal make-up, also bought at the health food store, that was never tested on animals and I'd have glowing healthy skin and hair. I'd wear long flowing dresses and my smile would be my claim to beauty.
Often I wish that I was a kind, nurturing mother who never raised her voice or insisted on schedules and ways of behaving. I'd be light and breezy and go with the flow. I'd laugh at their behaviors and a simple "no" or shake of my head would correct anything they really shouldn't be doing. We'd have our routines but because that's just how we did things, not because I was trying to "do it right." My home and especially my children would be full of love and acceptance and peace and happiness.
Sometimes I have wished that we lived in a small town in the country, with horses out our windows and a slower, calmer way of life. Our neighbors would be friendly and I would be comfortable making friends and having play dates for the kids.
Sometimes when I think on these things, I feel peaceful and like I could be this way. That it is true to who I am.
I put a great deal of pressure on myself to do the right things. It's not always even clear what the right thing is. Often it involves what I think others expect. Being proper? Accepted? Following rules and plans? Every once in a while I realize that this is a pressure that comes from deep inside somewhere. I realize that other people don't expect of me what I think they do or blame them for.
What bothers me even more is that 've had a couple moments in which I realize I'm extending this pressure to my expectations of my children. Not that I expect them to be perfect, but I expect me to be the perfect parent and that would show up in their behavior and temperaments. Whoa! I really don't want to do that to them.
I wish I could let go of this and embrace the above.
It's scary to go on your own. Everything I do I feel is up for judgement and isn't quite in line with what everyone else thinks or does or expects. I feel very defensive all the time. I'm learning to realize that this is because of something inside me and not that other people are really that judging. Sometimes I wish I could never worry what others think of me and just be perfectly me and know that it is enough no matter how different or out of step it feels. I wish that somehow I could be confident in my choices and my actions especially when it comes to my children and family.
One time I found a style I really wanted for my own on a make-over show- on the before picture! The girl had been poor and made a lot of her own clothes. Her hair was natural and untamed. She had this amazing personality that shined! She was sweet and loving and giving and smiled freely. She accepted herself. She was unafraid and had overcome a lot.
I want this kind of self acceptance. I want to live my life and raise my children without apology, without second guessing, without wondering if it's good enough.
That's what I want to give to my children. What I want to be for them. Even in writing this and having these thoughts today, I'm asking "is it enough? Will I fail them in some way? Am I missing something?" How in the world do I let go of that and embrace the other??? Perhaps by embracing the new, there will be no room for the old. It feels scary...
Often I wish that I was a kind, nurturing mother who never raised her voice or insisted on schedules and ways of behaving. I'd be light and breezy and go with the flow. I'd laugh at their behaviors and a simple "no" or shake of my head would correct anything they really shouldn't be doing. We'd have our routines but because that's just how we did things, not because I was trying to "do it right." My home and especially my children would be full of love and acceptance and peace and happiness.
Sometimes I have wished that we lived in a small town in the country, with horses out our windows and a slower, calmer way of life. Our neighbors would be friendly and I would be comfortable making friends and having play dates for the kids.
Sometimes when I think on these things, I feel peaceful and like I could be this way. That it is true to who I am.
I put a great deal of pressure on myself to do the right things. It's not always even clear what the right thing is. Often it involves what I think others expect. Being proper? Accepted? Following rules and plans? Every once in a while I realize that this is a pressure that comes from deep inside somewhere. I realize that other people don't expect of me what I think they do or blame them for.
What bothers me even more is that 've had a couple moments in which I realize I'm extending this pressure to my expectations of my children. Not that I expect them to be perfect, but I expect me to be the perfect parent and that would show up in their behavior and temperaments. Whoa! I really don't want to do that to them.
I wish I could let go of this and embrace the above.
It's scary to go on your own. Everything I do I feel is up for judgement and isn't quite in line with what everyone else thinks or does or expects. I feel very defensive all the time. I'm learning to realize that this is because of something inside me and not that other people are really that judging. Sometimes I wish I could never worry what others think of me and just be perfectly me and know that it is enough no matter how different or out of step it feels. I wish that somehow I could be confident in my choices and my actions especially when it comes to my children and family.
One time I found a style I really wanted for my own on a make-over show- on the before picture! The girl had been poor and made a lot of her own clothes. Her hair was natural and untamed. She had this amazing personality that shined! She was sweet and loving and giving and smiled freely. She accepted herself. She was unafraid and had overcome a lot.
I want this kind of self acceptance. I want to live my life and raise my children without apology, without second guessing, without wondering if it's good enough.
That's what I want to give to my children. What I want to be for them. Even in writing this and having these thoughts today, I'm asking "is it enough? Will I fail them in some way? Am I missing something?" How in the world do I let go of that and embrace the other??? Perhaps by embracing the new, there will be no room for the old. It feels scary...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)