Sometimes I wish that I shopped at the health food store and always fed my family organic, healthy foods. We'd eat granola with fruit for breakfast and lots of vegies for dinner. I'd wear minimal make-up, also bought at the health food store, that was never tested on animals and I'd have glowing healthy skin and hair. I'd wear long flowing dresses and my smile would be my claim to beauty.
Often I wish that I was a kind, nurturing mother who never raised her voice or insisted on schedules and ways of behaving. I'd be light and breezy and go with the flow. I'd laugh at their behaviors and a simple "no" or shake of my head would correct anything they really shouldn't be doing. We'd have our routines but because that's just how we did things, not because I was trying to "do it right." My home and especially my children would be full of love and acceptance and peace and happiness.
Sometimes I have wished that we lived in a small town in the country, with horses out our windows and a slower, calmer way of life. Our neighbors would be friendly and I would be comfortable making friends and having play dates for the kids.
Sometimes when I think on these things, I feel peaceful and like I could be this way. That it is true to who I am.
I put a great deal of pressure on myself to do the right things. It's not always even clear what the right thing is. Often it involves what I think others expect. Being proper? Accepted? Following rules and plans? Every once in a while I realize that this is a pressure that comes from deep inside somewhere. I realize that other people don't expect of me what I think they do or blame them for.
What bothers me even more is that 've had a couple moments in which I realize I'm extending this pressure to my expectations of my children. Not that I expect them to be perfect, but I expect me to be the perfect parent and that would show up in their behavior and temperaments. Whoa! I really don't want to do that to them.
I wish I could let go of this and embrace the above.
It's scary to go on your own. Everything I do I feel is up for judgement and isn't quite in line with what everyone else thinks or does or expects. I feel very defensive all the time. I'm learning to realize that this is because of something inside me and not that other people are really that judging. Sometimes I wish I could never worry what others think of me and just be perfectly me and know that it is enough no matter how different or out of step it feels. I wish that somehow I could be confident in my choices and my actions especially when it comes to my children and family.
One time I found a style I really wanted for my own on a make-over show- on the before picture! The girl had been poor and made a lot of her own clothes. Her hair was natural and untamed. She had this amazing personality that shined! She was sweet and loving and giving and smiled freely. She accepted herself. She was unafraid and had overcome a lot.
I want this kind of self acceptance. I want to live my life and raise my children without apology, without second guessing, without wondering if it's good enough.
That's what I want to give to my children. What I want to be for them. Even in writing this and having these thoughts today, I'm asking "is it enough? Will I fail them in some way? Am I missing something?" How in the world do I let go of that and embrace the other??? Perhaps by embracing the new, there will be no room for the old. It feels scary...
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