Reclaiming Sunday Attempt #1

Today went so well.
They again asked if I could help in nursery but someone else was in charge of the lesson which made a surprisingly big difference. All I had to do was get us there. So, we got up today and the house wasn't as clean as I'd like it but I just decided not to worry about it. Jeff played with the kids while I took a shower and we just slowly got ready for church. We watched Dora and Dragon Tales and had breakfast and lunch. I guess in some way I gave up on trying to make it a special day and decided to just try to enjoy the day.
So we went to church and I played in nursery. Somehow things just seemed to go very smoothly there today. Not much, if any, crying by my kids or the others. And the other lady helping was wonderful. I think she was a bit more structured and that made quite a difference.
Rayne did excellently. They played some games and she got so into it and excited. One game, they took one kid into the hall (of course one kid always ended up being several) and another one got to hide a little paper pumpkin. Then the kids came in and had to find it. Of course after the first time, they all hid it in the same spot but the kids still had to look a bit and they would ALL get so excited and cheer when it was found. Rayne laughed and clapped and it was so cute. Then she even wanted a turn to go out in the hall and went without me. I was SO proud of her.
I had seriously considered going to the mother's room for the duration of sacrament meeting. I thought maybe I could rock Caius to sleep and let Rayne play and eat fruit snacks. But today I decided we'd just try starting out in the foyer since that's where we end up anyway. Just as we got there, the last seat was taken so I sat on the floor, in the corner, against a wall and fed my kids fruit snacks. I worried it would be distracting for other people, like we were sitting there having a picnic. But we were out of the way and they close the doors once the meeting starts anyway. So we sat there and we were quiet and good through the prayer and the start of the meeting. They even brought the sacrament out and I was able to take it. Yes, the kids did end up going up and down the hall, but it wasn't like they were trying to escape. They came back! I felt so much better not trying to balance the diaper bag and two kids on three or less chairs that Caius falls through and pokes the people in front of us.
After the sacrament, people left and we were able to sit on the couches and the kids went back and forth and played cars (yes! my kids shared their cars!) with another little boy from nursery. I was able to listen to one talk given by a lady that was my visiting teacher before they changed the wards around. It was a very good talk and something I needed to think about. We did leave before the meeting was over but not because the kids were freaking out. They were starting to get a bit fussy but it was more a preemptive move on my part. Rayne ran all the way home and Caius was happy in his stroller.
For dinner I bought a pre-made Stouffer's pasta dinner to go in the oven. While I think Stouffer's is a good brand, it's a bit expensive and I feel like a bad mom making pre-made food. We do it frequently- Hamburger Helper and such- but I've been trying to get away from that and I've been trying to make Sunday a bit special. But, getting home at 4 with everyone hungry and tired and the dishes not completely cleaned up from last night's dinner, I think it's probably a good idea. I came home, put in the oven and went to the bathroom. So simple! And that's probably in keeping with the Sunday spirit right?
So, I feel like I learned something today. It's been good.

Happy

I know it sounds like stating the obvious, but as I watched Rayne laughing so hard as she blew a cotton ball across the table with a straw, it occurred to me that my job  number one priority should be to help that girl be happy. She's not even three and a half and she has high anxiety for crying out loud! Discipline and behavior and blah blah blah are not our concerns here. She needs to be happy! She needs to laugh!
Now, I'm not talking about giving her everything she wants and feeding her cookies for breakfast. I'm talking about the things you do as a mother anyway but perhaps need to be upped to critical importance here. Like watching her sugar levels- not letting her have too much because she needs to stay balanced as well as making sure she eats enough nourishing stuff. And yes, I'm talking about having fun. Making sure she gets to go outside when her friends are out because she NEEDS it. Putting off housework and just playing, chasing her, goofing around. Making her feel relaxed and uplifted and like she doesn't have to worry. Perhaps all my stressing really does wear off on her.
Hmpf, I've said this all before but thinking about it in this new light was important to me.

And with all this talk, I want to remember Caius. My little angel Caius. I can't stand to admit it but sometimes I do feel resentment that he gets ignored because I'm so busy dealing with this other stuff. Sometimes I hate leaving him with Grandma and Krush because I don't want him to be left out because he's the "good" one and will put up with it (not that he's not happy there or that I'm not very happy that it's okay with him). I just want him to have all my attention too. When I say all this about Rayne, he too is definitely a part of it. He needs to be happy and peaceful too. I don't want him to ever feel forgotten.

I am NOT a dumb mother... or if I am

A couple weeks ago, my mom took us to lunch at Denny's. While this was nice, I don't really think of Denny's as a fancy restaurant. It's a family restaurant and kid friendly. Not really a place I worry about taking noisy or wiggly kids. It was very crowded when we got there and the kids were already tired and hungry. I thought we did well sitting at the table, coloring and making Grandma fetch things off the floor (Caius' favorite mealtime activity). It seemed to take a long time to get our meals and eventually the crowd died down a bit. When I was close to finished, I let Rayne get out to walk around. She's very good at staying near the table... until Caius, who thinks he can run all over the restaurant gets out and she thinks she can follow him. But, oh well. I let them loose as I somewhat finished eating and kept having to get up to pull Caius back closer. Eventually, he went down to another table and before I could get him, he'd climbed on the table and was dumping salt or pepper. I ran to grab him.
As I did so, I passed a table of two little old grandma looking ladies. As I walked by, I heard one of them say "she's encouraging them." I knew she was criticizing me but tried not to feel defensive- I didn't really know... until, as I walked by, she actually turned her head toward me and said "DUMB MOTHER."
I freaked out. I have never wanted to actually punch someone so bad in my life. I grabbed my kids, went back for the diaper bag and left. I stood outside crying and shaking, letting the kids play in the rocks around the bushes. It really hurt. I guess I worry that's what people think. I guess I worry I should be keeping my kids more under control, which frankly feels impossible at times. And honestly? I just didn't think they were being that bad.
On the way home, to make myself feel better, I made a list of people I hate in my head. Types of people I hate. Things I hate about people. Hate is a strong word, but I really was feeling it. I was going to blog my list because by saying it, I felt better. But also, by allowing myself to feel it, perhaps even own that feeling, I learned a lot about myself and what I think and it was quite freeing.
I've also thought since, "fine, if I'm a dumb mother anyway..." and I've relaxed and let myself do or think about things in my way. So, I thought that's the list I would start here. If I'm a dumb mother anyway...

I'm going to base meals around food Rayne likes and will eat. I know, I know. A good mother starves her children until they are so hungry they will eat whatever she's made for dinner without complaining. This way, they will learn to like things like lima beans and beef stew. But, I try to incorporate the healthy stuff Rayne likes so that she can at least eat something. I think I will start trying to make it a bigger part of our meals more often.

I will let Rayne talk me into one more book at bedtime, a few more minutes on the play ground, etc. A good mother says this is the limit and holds her ground. I like to give her that one more thing letting her know it's the last thing so that she feels like what she wants is considered and is prepared for it to be the last thing.

After a certain amount of time, I'm going to let Caius out of the crib if he's not going to sleep. If he's tired, he actually does a good job of settling in for sleeping. If he's not, he let's me know. A good mother would leave him crying for the duration of nap time so that he learns to sleep and that this is what mom said to do. I just don't have it in me. I'm too weak I guess.

I feed my kids lollipops when we go to the store. If we are on a big Walmart trip, I even open a package of cookies and feed them as we go around. A good mother would never bribe her children like this and let them think they deserve something special for good behavior. I just think they need something for being such good sports. 

I feel like I had some better ones but I'm going blank. But, you get the idea. It actually helps a lot for me to think this way. Sarcastically. It's like I'm making fun of the old lady and she doesn't even get the joke.
Bwa-haha!!

Therapy #2

Rayne warmed up a lot yesterday in our second therapy session. We started with blowing bubbles. Kate would blow them and Rayne would pop them- something she LOVES to do. Kate would try to get her to pop them with a certain finger or in a certain way but mostly Rayne just did her own thing. Kate pointed out that she made a different choice and sometimes that's okay. Kate then balanced bean bags on her head and tipped them into a "basket"- the basket was just a loop I made with my arms when Rayne wouldn't make one. But eventually Rayne did do it and caught the bean bags and Kate and I were both impressed that she would do it.
Then we sat at the table and blew a cotton ball to each other using straws. Rayne laughed and laughed! It was great to see her having so much fun, especially in this setting with someone still kind of a stranger. Then Rayne decided we were done and went and picked up other toys and made up her own games for us to try, each one lasting only a few seconds. Kate's office is lined with shelves and drawers and baskets of toys. She had tried to tell Rayne in our first meeting that it was okay to explore and find things but this is the first time Rayne really let go and did that. She kind of took over what we were doing and Kate let her, explaining later that she likes to go with the kid's flow.
Eventually Rayne decided to play in the big beautiful wooden dollhouse she's looked at before but I guess never dared get into. She made Kate play as the dad and when the princess kept insisting the dad come upstairs but the dad didn't want to because he was busy, I thought she would lose it. If I tried to play that way, it would have ended up in a big lecture and/or screaming fit. I could tell Kate was trying to push her a little. But, surprisingly, Rayne finally just said okay. Then she was allowed to keep playing while Kate and I talked.
Mostly our talk was me answering questions. I still felt a bit like "what did we learn today?" Like I want to ask that question but Kate did comment on the small improvements she saw and I too felt like we'd made giant strides. I'm just not sure what that does once we leave or the next time we're in church etc.

But, as for my own "what did we learn today?" I loved watching Rayne laugh as we blew a cotton ball around the table. She was having so much fun and it dawned on me, she's not often like that. I thought that I need to find fun little activities like that for us to do at home. Even we can afford some straws and cotton balls :) And it would be fun to get Daddy and Caius playing too. I left thinking that we need to play more.
Play more. This is kind of a funny thought because I'm pretty sure that's about all Daddy does with the kids ;) and I thought that I play a lot. I play with toys, I take them outside, I even wrestle and tickle and chase sometimes. But really? Being honest? How many times do I just say "be careful" or "five more minutes until we have to go in"? How little do I actually get down on the floor and let go of my own hang ups, anxieties, list of things to do and just laugh with them??? We need this more.

The Her That Is Me

Ever since I was 10 or 12 years old, I've felt like there was a secret me inside, the real me waiting to get out. I thought I would grow up and somehow bloom into her. I suppose I came close in my early/mid twenties as I graduated from college but there was still so much holding back-

This person I guess I've always been afraid of showing to the world. She might be wrong...

No, not wrong. Just... there's shame or guilt or fear in there somehow. But of what? And why?

She's not bad.

She's too visible.

And with visibility comes confrontation. Disagreement. It's somehow been easier to just try to be what I'm expected to be and not cause any waves. To be invisible.

The sadly ironic thing is that as a mother  I NEED to be her. I NEED to know her. My children need her.

I'm still trying to form this picture in my head of what I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to look like as a mother. Jeff's right. I read too many books and get caught up in what it's supposed to be instead of going with our flow. Looking at us. Not even what we need to be but being what we are.

I need to look at her.

Clown Suits

Once upon a time, my mom had a new baby and my niece and nephew, that she took care of a lot, soon followed. I was around junior high age, give or take a year and my younger brother was not far behind. Then of course my older brother and sister were not as grown up as I remember and my mother also spent a lot of time taking care of her parents. For some reason, I remember my mom talking about dressing for her job. It didn't make sense for her to dress up or, as an example, like a business woman. My mom made herself some outfits. I will call them jump suits but I don't know if that's accurate. Kind of like overalls that tied at the shoulder, she made them in bright colors and prints with a solid t-shirt underneath. She said she wanted to dress to be home with the kids. She called them "clown suits."
I don't know why she called them this. Did she feel clownish in them? Perhaps self conscious around those business women etc that she didn't want or need to dress like? I can't imagine that she didn't like the outfits. I remember picking out fabrics in flattering colors and prints that she liked. And even if they were "easy" to make, she still put the time and effort into making them.
I never really thought whether my mom was in style or not. It never really was a question. She was my mom. Not "just mom." My mom! She was everything to me and I suppose style wasn't a part of the beauty I saw in her. Whenever I was old enough I did look at her for those things, I saw the pretty things about her; I never judged if it was cool or in or whatever. Maybe some girls do look at their mothers that way but in some way I guess they learned it from their mothers (raging post about moms who send their 3 year olds to church nursery in a different prom dress every week forth coming). Maybe I remember this conversation because I was starting to be aware of my own style? I think about it a lot now because I'm doing the job she had then.
My mother in law and grandma in law gave me some money and a gift card for my birthday and while I tried to have fun with it, I also needed to be practical. I bought some much needed walking shoes and church shoes. I also bought two long sleeve t-shirts and two pairs of exercise pants. I needed clothes and I really needed something to be home and comfortable in when I'm cleaning, being sneezed and spilled on, going out to the playground or even running over to the store. I thought maybe this would look a bit sporty and playful and still be super comfortable.
I know, I know, the make over shows all say you can be comfortable in heels, jeans, and a nice blouse. And frankly, yes I do feel a bit clownish in these clothes sometimes. But sometimes I feel very dressed for my job and frankly how I look is not as important as how I feel.
For some reason as I dressed to go to Walmart this morning, I felt like things became clear- just for a moment,   nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnB   zz bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (hahaha I think I'll leave that. I had to run to the potty with Rayne and when I came back, Caius had typed that. It seems to fit :)
I saw me as I am or want to be. For this time in my life. For this job.
I was wearing overalls and a striped t-shirt (no farmer Jo jokes please Benjamin). My hair, I don't want it any longer than it is now but I can't afford regular trips to the salon or the time it takes to "do" a short hair style everyday. So, I will keep my bangs and have a "long" hair look. I always want it up in a ponytail anyway and I guess I don't really care how that looks. It can be cute. I also bought some new eyeshadow with my birthday money. I looked and looked and wanted (or thought I wanted) pretty colors and smoky eyes and to do more. Finally I allowed myself to realize that what I really wanted is just a duo in the same pretty brown tones I've always worn. And some new mascara. I just want to look more awake with a bit of color for a day to day look.
And that is me. Something happened recently (perhaps another scathing post about the rudeness of strangers also forthcoming) to make me harden up a bit to what other people think. This could be a good thing for me. It also softened me to myself, my children, and my world. I am me. And that's darn good enough.
To quote Billy Joel "what's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing/Can't you see that your tie's too wide." So it is. And that's the way I like it.

Giving up on Sunday

A few weeks ago I wanted to write a blog about Reclaiming Sunday. Sunday used to be such a spiritual, uplifting day. Now it's the hardest day of the week. Monday used to be hard because it was a let down after Sunday. Now Monday is hard because I'm exhausted and, quite frankly, really down about Sunday being so hard.
They rearranged our stake this last month. I think they created a new ward and re-did the ward boundaries. I was very sad because I really loved our bishop and Relief Society president. They made me feel safe and like I belonged and would be taken care of. And there were other people in the ward that really befriended us and made us feel welcome. I really needed these things. But, I finally pulled myself out of the disappointment and was determined to have a good attitude.
With the change, I was released from my calling in the nursery. But because of the change, they still asked me to fill in until everything gets established. I had been wondering if I should ask to be released feeling like I wasn't any good at this, we miss so much and I often spend all my time taking care of my kids and not feeling like I'm contributing. This isn't a good reason to be released so I kept trying to do better but I was also often feeling like I needed to be able to focus on my kids. Caius will be old enough to officially be in nursery this month and Rayne will be moving to primary in January. I've thought that I need to be able to start working with her on this change and maybe even leaving her without me so that she will be ready for primary. I think Caius will be fine.
The week they announced there would be a change, they had a stake meeting that night to announce the boundaries etc. The next week was stake/regional conference. The week after that, we went to church, now starting at 1 o'clock. The following week they were doing the Brigham City temple dedication and didn't have regular church meetings. And that brings us to yesterday.

Yesterday was awful. Sometime close to the beginning, Rayne had something happen, I'm pretty sure involving a toy and she got pretty upset. I took her into the hall so she could catch her breath. She then wanted to stay there so I stood in the doorway "helping" with the other kids and keeping an eye on her. Later, while I was giving the lesson she started kicking someone and when I tried to get her to stop, she started yelling all while I continued to try to give the lesson which is hard enough with three year olds and younger. At the end of class, she climbed on the table and the other teacher asked her very nicely not to and she got so upset she screamed at the teacher. The teacher of course was embarrassed and probably quite put off at this reaction. She was nice to me and asked me about some things and I felt bad and embarrassed and out of control and like a bad mom.
So then we went to sacrament meeting. By the way, Caius' new naptime which also changed just in the last month is 12:30, the same time we are about leaving for church. He did well but was completely tired by the end of nursery. We found seats and were doing pretty well until, in the middle of the sacrament song when we are supposed to be getting reverent, Caius did something to make Rayne scream at him so he screamed back and started to cry which made Rayne yell at him... I picked up Caius and the diaper bag and walked out, trying to get Rayne to go or follow, they were both crying and I was trying hard not to. We stayed in the foyer for a while, eating snacks and talking to our wonderful primary president who offered to help but you know how that would not work with Rayne and Caius was just too tired and we eventually left. We walked in the house with Caius crying, Rayne being very demanding and me on the verge of yelling and crying at everyone. Caius took a nap, sleeping until five, which made bedtime last night quite a challenge.
I say all this trying to think it through but also trying to paint a picture of what the day was like. Like I said, I had wanted to have a good attitude about the changes and to take Sunday back and make it a special day for my kids. I made a good effort to have a clean house and a simple but nice Sunday dinner ready to just pop in the oven when we got home (oh yah, Jeff ate at the computer, I stood at the counter, Rayne played and Caius slept- even dinner didn't happen right).
I feel very frustrated. I want Sunday to be nice. I want it to be special. I want to take care of my kids. I want to help Rayne. I'm simply overwhelmed and don't know what to do for her or how to approach things. I feel like she will NEVER be able to be on her own. So I just need to think of how I'm going to do this.