A while back, my brother was talking about a t.v. show I think called Dog Whisperer. Apparently this guy does amazing things changing dogs' behaviors and his basic philosophy is that they are dogs, treat them as such. For example, dogs are pack animals and they look for an alpha. So, if you have dogs as pets, YOU need to be the alpha dog. It's not bad for the dog to know who is boss. It's not mean. You actually do them good by setting those boundaries and definitions.
They say the same is true of children. Children thrive in and crave boundaries and they need to know the rules and who is boss. I've been wondering how to let my two year old know that I am the boss. She obviously knows I am mom. She won't be away from me, she even asks permission about things. But, sometimes when I try to get her to do things, she is defiant. And the more I try to exert my alpha/mom-ness, the more she just gives it right back. I suppose the only way I "know" how to be strong and in charge is by trying to sound mean or in charge but that just gets her talking to me the same way and I feel like I'm just teaching her to be disrespectful and bossy.
As my brother talked about this show I wanted to say "but that's so mean" and "what about the dog's poor little feelings and need to be acknowledged as an individual and ..." Okay, perhaps those things are more true of children than dogs, but I like to think that dogs have more personality than just instinctive behavior. I know they do but the thing is, as he talked, more of it rang true than did my need to defend the dogs. And I really did think about children the whole time.
I wish I was better able to express all this because I think it's a really interesting idea and something I'm trying to figure out right now. I'm hoping/asking that anyone reading this will comment and think about things with me. I'd really like to know what people think and what their experiences are.
My baby is four months old now. He was an awesome sleeper until now. He had about 4 nights in a row where he slept until around 4 in the morning and then went back to bed until 7 or 8! I was excited. If he slept that well I might actually get some sleep! But after those few nights, he seriously has been up almost every night every hour or two. People say he's hungry. The doctor says he isn't, he's just looking for that comfort. I've tried several things and I suppose the details are more for another post. My question here is, I really go back and forth- do I go with his flow and try to hear what he's telling me he needs (he won't go back to sleep without nursing) or do I step up and say I'm the mom/alpha and this is how things are going to go? And how do I get the two year old to know I'm the boss? With her as well I want to be kind and nurturing etc and go with her flow but there is much more need to lay down some rules. I'm doing better but...
Perhaps if I weren't so sleep deprived I could discuss this all better, but please, let me know your thoughts.
It seems I forgot or never did get to the whole point of my post!
ReplyDeleteStephen was saying that we humanize dogs. We treat them as a member of our family, they sleep on our bed, we dress them in cute clothes :). We think we're doing them a favor, like a promotion in the hierarchy of life. But he says we are doing them more harm than good. They don't know how to be human. They are dogs.
Is this true of babies? Every time I have something I'm dealing with, do I put adult emotions, experience, expectations, neurosis onto my poor little babies? Is it easier and better for them to say he's just a baby or she does that because she's a baby? It's hard to even put an example here because I start going around in circles trying to even clarify my own thoughts. I just wonder...
I love to see your posts here. I don't know what to tell you, except that maybe I wish I'd been more stern. And that's not for me, but for them. Sometimes I think I see a lot lacking in their abilities to deal with life and that is because I should have taught them better. You know we are all so dysfunctional......hmm, perhaps I shouldn't type that here for all your friends to see. Will they be surprised.?? There is a lot of things I could have done better with. I guess the thing is, you will likely help them more than you'll hurt them and then they won't be so dysfunctional when they grow up. ^.^)..sigh......It's a lot to think about. What would MamaCat do? I'll talk to you later. Good POst!!
ReplyDeleteThis seems like an obvious thing to say, but there is a balance of the two. If the kid is going to get hurt, you throw them over your shoulder and put them in time out and say no. I also think about hierarchy of needs when I'm working with more than one kid (or me and my dog). If Toby needs to be fed, that outweighs my "need" to watch TV. If he needs medicine, we can address that before sleep. But if he wants to play at 3 in the morning and I have to get up at 6, he gets kicked out of the bedroom. Yes, its sad, yes I feel mean telling my cute little pug with his stuffed toy in his mouth to go away, but I will be a better person for him tomorrow morning. I don't know if that's helpful at all, but there you go. I coddle my dog, I'm sure, but as long as I'm taking care of him and myself, I think it evens out.
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