Last night I made a list in my head of what I want to give my children. I started at the basic thing I always said was going to be the most important to me: peace, security, calm. I was discouraged that I'm not even giving them that. Rayne woke up having bad dreams. I'm assuming that was the problem because she was pretty upset and talking about spiders. I don't even remember if Caius was up first or she woke him up by crying but I had them both up and Jeff, who was trying to get back closer to his night shift schedule, had just come to bed. We are all in the same room, there was no air conditioning starting sometime yesterday afternoon, and even what air we could get to come in from outside, was hot. So, I of course was grumpy and crowded and tired.
Once we settled a bit or I got my gripes out a tad, the guilt set in. Why can't I just remember that Rayne, who is so independent and communicates so well, is still just a baby who needs to be held? And poor little Caius never really complains about anything. He's such a mellow, happy baby. Even Jeff, my man child, tries hard to do the right thing and to take care of us.
I let Caius lay on the bed while I held Rayne and calmed her down. Then I put her on the bed between me and Jeff and got Caius to sleep. I tried to rub Jeff's back enough he knew I was acknowledging him and I prayed. Sometimes I beg that they will just sleep so I can rest. But it seems to work better if I pray that I will get rest and that I will know what to do for them and that I will stay calm and patient. Somewhere in here is when the list started. I tried to focus on having our own place soon and how I would set things up. That gave me positive thoughts and my list took on a life of it's own. It was neat to me how I started with the most basic thing, what I feel is the most important things I want to give to my family. That led to something else... if we have that, we can be that, if we're that, it creates this... I wish I could have written it down to remember it all. Perhaps if I start here again, at least some of it will come back.
Peace, comfort, safety
Happiness, laughter, self acceptance
Curiosity, exploration, self expression,
Love for others, love for self
...
Semi-related to your post, ever since Utah, I've been wanting to write about something I feel is an extremely important trait to have. Conviction. Not even of a grandiose kind, but just to feel committed to what you're doing, no matter what you're doing. I've come to think this might be even more important than confidence, though it is arguably a KIND of confidence. Anyway, you made me want to write about it again. I just never feel like I have the time. Why did I even post this comment? I don't know. I guess it's not related enough. I just thought out loud here. Hope that's not rude.
ReplyDeleteI really like your list at the end. It flows from one reality to the next very well. I know that you only want the best, and you always put your familie's needs ahead of your own. You are a superb mom, no matter how difficult it is to be one.
ReplyDeleteI am leaving this link here for you. There are several posts that you would like, I think.
ReplyDeletehttp://homeliving.blogspot.com/2006/11/making-your-home-place-you-like-to-be-html
I hope it works. I'm also dropping a message at facebook aabout the same thing in case you don't get back here soon. mudderbear