Happy New Year

I have been thinking of New Year Resolutions for a while. I haven't been too strict about writing them down and planning things out, but there are definitely a few things I am working on. I am happy to report that I am taking strides.

Eat healthy! This is the year I want to get rid of processed foods. Jeff and I have talked about keeping sugar and treats out of the house. The kids', especially one of them, behavior seems very affected by the amount of sugar consumed. I'd also like to put the food on the table and say eat it or not, it's up to you. I think the kids are still a bit young for strict adherence to this one. And the same kid that seems so affected by sugar also won't eat to save her life but gets extremely moody when hungry. I also have goals to use table cloths and to not let anyone say what they don't like, but just to eat what they do and say thank you.

Organize my house! I have dreams of my closets and kids' rooms looking like the pictures in Pottery Barn kids. But in reality, those pictures have no kids or very little and unrealistic activity going on. And, I can't afford such fanciness. Right now, most of my storage containers consist of old diaper boxes wrapped in shelf lining paper I bought at the Dollar Store- genius right? But I am happy to say that this last week things feel like they are falling into place. I at least feel like I have places to keep the stuff when we do clean up and I have managed to pack away a lot of old, unused and/or broken stuff. I've also created a few "pretty" spots in my house. The kids are  getting old enough I feel safe bringing out some of my pretty things and I've made a few spots pretty and functional!

Stop worrying! I worry about everything. And then I worry about worrying. And worry how worrying effects my health. And how my health and worrying effect my children and the energy in my house. Then I worry about my whole role as mother and if I'm doing anything right and that of course leads to my eternal salvation! Aye! Things have been tough lately in several ways. But somehow things work out. People help and we are provided for. I will keep praying, keep breathing, and have faith. One day at a time. I'm learning how to do that.

My Hippie Ways

1. I believe kids are messy & loud.
Unless absolutely necessary, they should not be told to stop it.

2. Use what you have. Love what you have.
"Hand me downs" are a blessing.

3. Shopping (wanting and acquiring) is not a sport or a recreational activity.

4. Every time you eat or drink, you can, and should, nourish your body and soul.

5. Simple and practical = beautiful.

6. Learning, doing, being.

Goals from Conference

* Teach my children the gospel (family home evening, prayers, more diligent church attendance)
    Pray for my husband

*Help Rayne to use her big, loud energy to be happy/ do fun, neat, things

*Protect and nurture Caius' gentle, sweet spirit

*Nourish my spirit and prepare for the temple

Puddles

As I watched my children run back and forth between the weed growing in the sidewalk crack from which they were plucking leaves and the puddle in the gutter, I had to ask myself if this is really my great calling in life. Recently inspired by General Conference, I've recommitted myself to being a stay at home mom, not that it was ever in question but I regained some perspective and set some goals. But as I stood there, I wondered, in the big grand scheme of things with all that goes on in the world and even the War in Heaven, is THIS really so important? Would it even matter if I was there? Couldn't it be anyone standing there?

The thought entered my mind "the worth of a soul is great."

In an article about dealing with stress I recently read in a parenting magazine, it said that what your family needs more than anything from you is just your presence. I also remembered growing up in a ward with very few kids my age. I sat through many, many Sunday school lessons about fellowship and helping less active members to come out to church. It wasn't really that there were kids that needed activation so much as, I felt, teachers who didn't feel like it was worth their time to teach just one or two of us. How great in my experience are those that DID take the time to care and befriend and teach me.

Is it true, that I am caring for these souls? Is my love as a mother, that I know is greater than anyone else could feel for them, really so important that it does matter that I am the one standing with them? As I encouraged them and laughed with them as they floated leaves in the puddle and told me how they were helping them get water, I wondered if anyone else would even care about their endeavors. Isn't THAT worth something?

I could never look at these two beautiful little people and say they are not worth it. I suppose that the question is in believing that I am worth it to them.
I have to believe that I am.

Arriving at now

I've been spending a lot of time on Pinterest lately. In part, it's because I need new clothes and don't have money right now, so I'm pretend shopping. I suppose it's also because I'm trying to define myself, redefine. Who am I and how do I show that?
Today I had the thought that I can be whatever I want to be right now. I've never been this age. I've never been a mother. I've never been a wife or a stay at home mom. Even my body has never been this size and shape. I feel like the same person I was when I was 10 or 12, 15, 20, 30... But in a lot of ways, I'm very different.
There have been times in my life when it's almost like I've looked at my past, recent or distant, trying to bring that person into where I was currently. Clothes, hair, hobbies, goals, I'd try to find my current version of what I'd once had. Trying to bring an idealized past version of me into who and what I was currently doing. Or perhaps trying to create a continuation from one step in life to the next. But that has changed.
On the one hand, there is no way to connect my past life with where I am now. It's SO different and this is all so new. But at the same time, I am such a culmination of everything I've ever been, anything I've ever done that I don't have to try to bring that with me, it's just there as it's own piece of my puzzle.
I keep looking at Pinterest, not just at clothes and hair, but food and crafts and places and quotes, trying to figure out who I am right now. I really don't know. And yet, for once, it almost feels okay to not know, not define, because I do know I'm here, I know that I am. And all that stuff is just trying to paint a picture of what I hold on the inside.

Superficially speaking; Clothes

A week or two ago, I wore a new outfit when I went to my mom's house. It wasn't really new, just a refashioning of old stuff, including an old t-shirt of Jeff's. I felt amazingly comfortable in it. Not just physically, it was comfortable to wear, but it felt like me. I would describe the style as "boho" or gypsy and it was shades of gray. My mom and sister complimented me. Not like I was asking about the outfit, but of their own accord, that not only did they like the clothes, but the style was flattering to me.

Being me, if I find something that works, I like to make a rule out of it. We like tacos? Great! Taco Tuesday it is! The kids are more willing to brush their teeth and get dressed if we are going outside? Great! It's part of our routine- get ready to go outside! And so, being so comfortable and complimented, I drove home thinking "this is my new style!" I immediately started planning how I would achieve this.  What items did I need to buy or make or pull out of my closet to put outfits together? What rules could I follow to bring this style into being?

Okay, so rules and using what works is quite practical. I have to admit I enjoy being practical. I don't like to have a lot of shoes or lipstick colors to choose from. I like what works. Routines help us stay focused and grounded and calm. They help get things done. This is all great. I like to think I'm a productive person and this is all part of that.

But...

One day I was thinking of wearing the aforementioned outfit, or putting something similar together and guess what? I didn't feel like wearing that style. Perhaps I was going to clean the toilet and couldn't have flowy things falling in. Or maybe I was going to the grocery store and wanted something more ... whatever. Then we are always going to the playground and I didn't want to snag the scarf. And it dawned on me.
Maybe I don't need multiple outfits of the same thing. Perhaps I can just enjoy that one perfect outfit on the days that's what I want to wear. And then I have a mom day outfit or one for days I'm going visiting teaching or what I wear when we meet friends at the park. I could even have an outfit for staying home and scrubbing toilets and tubs and mopping the floor. Maybe it's even okay if I wear the same one or two outfits to church each week!

It kind of makes me feel scattered to have different styles on different days. Like I'm not really being honest to who I am if one day it's gypsy and the next more preppy. It probably sounds silly but this is an important thing to learn about myself. I've accepted that I like only one lipstick and two pairs of shoes (okay, I have three- sneakers and two for church- and I'm really wanting some flip flops for summer!). Now maybe I need to accept that I have different roles on different days and that it's okay if I also have different moods. Dress up one day, extremely down the next. It's okay!!

Just something I observed (learned?) today

I was outside with the kids today. They were riding bikes around the apartments and there were a couple kids behind us on the playground. As we went one way, I saw a woman get out of her car, call a kid by his full name and tell him he was in big trouble. When they came back to where we were, she was asking what the heck he thought he was doing and he told her she wasn't in charge of him to which she replied she was his sister and yes she was. As the turned into the stairway she said you wanna tell mom what you were doing. Then she explained that he was standing on the green thing (I don't know what they are- something to do with power or something) peeing! The mom seemed more upset that he was doing this in front of a little girl than that he was doing it and told him he was grounded from the playground for the rest of the day as she got him in the car.
The little boy, through all of this was crying and arguing even though he really had nothing to say for himself. Being me, I of course felt sorry for him. Maybe he didn't know better or didn't think ahead that far or ??? But the truth is, the mom was right and she certainly wasn't acting out of hand. She wasn't irate and mean and hurtful. She scolded him for sure but nothing that was uncalled for.
Hm...
I am so afraid of hurting my kids. I ALWAYS give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to not believe them or expect more than they are capable of. I don't want to make them feel bad no matter how bad they are behaving. Whenever I do "lose it" and yell at them or really insist on what I told them to do, I feel horrible and mean.
But maybe I'm not.
Maybe I should do that more often.
I don't really know if my kids are out of hand or if they are pretty normal. But I do know Rayne gets away with a lot of meanness at her brother. I think they are both getting a bit spoiled and demanding. And they definitely could behave better a great deal of the time.
Rather than see myself as mean, I've got to take responsibility for what they are learning. Teaching them how to handle situations and express themselves in a way that gets results rather than makes people want to scream back. And one thing I read was interesting... about teaching your kids they can believe in you and trust what you say and that includes when you say there is going to be a given consequence for a certain action. Don't let them get away with it if you told them they couldn't because they need to be able to ALWAYS trust you. Hadn't thought of it like that...