Happy Birthday Caius

We started the day with a present for Caius. I went a bit big on birthday gifts this year- at least I think they are big. I had the present sitting on a chair in the kitchen and was a bit surprised that Caius even noticed and especially that he was very interested in it. He and I were up early and we had to wait for Rayne and then Daddy to get up to open it. The wrapping paper had jungle animals on it so we spent some time looking at the animals.

I expected Rayne to over take things a bit. I didn't want her to be jealous or feel left out but I also think it's okay if she starts to learn that it's his turn and hers will be in a couple weeks. We started out well, putting the zoo together and sharing pieces but once it was set up she didn't want him playing at all. Jeff and I got a bit frustrated trying to explain to her that it was actually Caius' toy and that he should get to play. Eventually it made for an unhappy morning which was really hard for me because, of course, I wanted it to be a perfect day, but I tried to keep my perspective.

We took the kids to the zoo for his special day. Again, this is a bit more than we will probably normally do, but this felt like a significant year. Wouldn't you know, we had record heat and Daddy does not do well with heat. Other than that we had fun. The first thing we saw was a turkey crossing our path and Caius got so excited he about jumped out of the stroller pointing at it. Rayne later said her favorite animal was the gorilla we saw eating grass. We had heard that the new polar bear exhibit, with penguins too, was open but it wasn't so that was too bad. But it was a good day.

After the zoo, we went to Jeff's grandma's for cake and ice-cream. His mom and Joe and my mom and Khrystine came too. Caius got a few more presents and quite enjoyed his cake! I made the cake, with help from Rayne and Daddy, and topped it with more animals for his zoo toy. It was nothing fancy but I wanted to make it rather than store buy it and I thought it turned out cute.

Micro-managing Mama

It's funny where ideas come from. I've been watching a show about kids at an Australian dance academy. One kid is working on choreography and when the dancer just can't get it right, he gets quite frustrated. His mentor takes him aside to remind him that the dancer is also an artist and needs to be able to put her own expression into it as well. He needs to stop micromanaging. It made me think of being a mom. It is my job to feed them, bathe them, dress them, put them to bed, teach them stuff, make sure they behave... I feel a lot of responsibility to get it right. But there is a limit to it. They are little people and who they are, their "artistic expression" is going to come out. I can't, and don't even want to, control it all. My kids are still small and I like putting them to bed, but I often get SO frustrated at the time and effort it takes. Sometimes I worry that I'm doing it wrong (ie setting up bad habits) and should leave them alone a bit more. Other times, I just want to hold my babies and rock them to sleep. But, no matter how much I sing, rock them, rub their backs, even nursing the baby, I can't MAKE them fall asleep until they are ready. I need to let go of the frustration. Rayne often likes me to spoon feed her, especially if it's something messy. Caius on the other hand wants to do it all himself. Sometimes I feel like I follow Rayne around the house trying to get her to just take one bite of something (I don't literally follow her around the house, it just feels like it). And I can't shovel the dropped noodles off of Caius fast enough and he ends up sitting in handfuls of pasta and I just hope something ended up in his mouth. Again, I need to let go of the frustration. I can't MAKE them eat and making a mess is just part of the process. Last night Jeff said he'd never thought of himself as an easy going, go with the flow type person. Until he met me. Being with someone so scheduled and high strung has made him realize how laid back he is. In some ways we are good for each other that way. I always knew I was more uptight- I love lists, charts, rules, schedules, routines. But I didn't want to be so stressed out as a mom. While I think the routine and trying to be organized and tidy are all good for the kids, the stressed out frustrated mom isn't. I really do try to control it all. I don't want to be like that. As I've just let this thought be in my head the last couple days, it's helped. Messes, chaos, not getting things done all drive me crazy. Not that I ever get things perfectly the way I think they should be anyway. But it's helped to let go a bit. To realize, or remind myself, that these are children and their artistic expression needs to be allowed for as well... even if it means it takes forever to get them to sleep, I sweep the floor a thousand times a day to no avail, and in all the mess and bargaining and pleading and sometimes even yelling and crying, hair never gets combed, shoes are on the wrong feet, and I don't know if they ever actually eat anything.

I got in bed after writing my last post the other night and thought, well duh. The problem is I don't believe there is a PROBLEM. The next day, we had quite a rough morning. We calmed down and by the time we were going to bed that night, it felt like it had been a good day. But I had to cry and sort through all the emotions to Jeff. And finally the fog cleared. I truly do not believe there is something wrong with Rayne. Her whole little life, people have been telling me she cries too much, too loudly, too hard, over the "wrong" things, in the "wrong" way, she's too attached to me, she has the "wrong" reaction when a scary, gruff uncle comes in the room (yes, she does have more than one). She does have extreme emotions and some high anxiety to be concerned about, but the only real problem is that I've let all these things get in my head. I know I'm overly sensitive as well and perhaps take things the wrong way, but it's not completely unfounded that this has come from other people. And sure, I may like some help or guidance in knowing how to help her. But I really don't think there is anything more than that to worry about. I'll just keep reading and being there for her. Isn't that what a Mom is supposed to do? Another observation: Today I saw that the before mentioned friend posted a thing on Facebook about doing an earthquake drill with her three year old so if it happens she won't be so scared. "Are you crazy???" I thought. But then I got it. I was the kind of kid that when they taught about germs and washing your hands in first grade, I became obsessive. If the cat or dog even walked in the room, I thought I had to go wash my hands. I washed my hands so much they got raw and chapped and my parents had to tell me to stop and teach me it was okay NOT to wash your hands sometimes. And I remember doing fire drills at school and learning that we should do them at home and I cried. I tried not to cry at school during the drills, but I was scared. And I cried and even prayed at home (yes I was only 7 or 8 years old) that our house wouldn't burn down because I was so scared. And my kid is just like I was/am. If I were to do earthquake drills with her, she would be waking up at night having nightmares about earthquakes. So different kids, different moms, different ways of being. My point is, I know my kid. My other point is, how in the world did this friend's comments get to me so much!?!? Bah! "Out damn spot!"

A messy blog about me/us...

I get so little time to myself, I often have a hard time going to bed even when I'm completely exhausted. Jeff works 4 nights a week so usually I hurry to get the kids to bed hoping I have time for a quick shower before I get him up for work. The 15 or so minutes it takes him to get up and dressed are sometimes the only times he and I have together. Then, once he is gone, I try to have some me time. Tonight I've been reading old posts of mine. As pretentious as it sounds, it's been really good to talk to myself. I can't believe how much Caius has grown in the last year and I'm amazed at how little Rayne was. I read one post in particular about my little Rayne girl that really helped with some things I'm dealing with now or again or still. The other day, walking home from church, I watched her running ahead of us and was reminded of how little she really is. I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her and show her things the way we used to. She looked so free, so happy, so untouched by any of life's hard lessons. Recently, a friend of mine made some comments that have really hurt me about her. Supposedly the friend was just trying to help and this is someone I've talked to about concerns I have because I feel comfortable enough to talk, not because I completely trust her judgement or even respect her opinion, in general, very much. This friend has been dealing with a nephew and a step son who fall on the autism spectrum and suggested that I get Rayne tested as well. Not knowing much about this topic, I asked her about it and wondered if it's really such a more broad thing than anything I've experienced or know of, perhaps some of Rayne's emotional reactions and anxieties could fall there. I didn't really believe it but am willing to admit when I don't know much about a topic and even commented that perhaps it would be a starting point for getting some help, advice etc. The next time I talked to this friend and the topic came up I asked her just what I would look for to know that this could be a concern. The list she sent me, I thought sounded nothing like Rayne and I wasn't sure what to think or ask. But she told me anyway. The things she said she sees in Rayne are what hurt. The words she used, the comments she made, the way she told me. Like I said, this person has very different ways of seeing a lot of things than I do, but I guess I've been suffering wondering if this is what everyone sees in her/us? I can't help wondering if this friend was actually being a good friend by at least trying to tell me something is not right when no one else will or if this friend has some sort of other motive and just wants to hurt me (it's not beyond her to try to play mind games with people). Anyway, I guess that's the set up. I've been trying to blog to sort through my feelings for a long time. I've been writing in my journal a lot more lately. In that way, it's been a good thing. I've talked to a few friends (who I trust and respect more) and my mom and that's helped a lot. A few thoughts I want to blog about sometime: I need to be strong and confident so Rayne can be. Perhaps a lot of her behaviors are mirroring my attitudes and feelings. I need to be strong and confident so that I know what I think and trust myself as her mother to be the one that knows and can do something about it. How do you know if, as a mom, you are doing the right thing? Somewhere in here is my definition of a hippie mom and just being able to live and value your own principles above anything else. I think I'm not biased in saying this, I know all parents think so, but I really do believe Rayne is a very smart girl and I've been reading about bright children and how they often have anxieties and sleeping problems and a really cool word I probably can't spell, asynchronicity, meaning their intellectual, emotional and physical ages are all different and how hard and frustrating that is for them and their parents and so many things sound just like Rayne but who do I talk to and where do I go because it does just sound like you are bragging "I have a smart kid" ? And, the really hard questions. Is Rayne really that different? IS there something to worry about here? Is there something "wrong" with my baby?

I had just finally cleaned up Rayne's room. Getting ready for bed, I left the kids alone for just long enough to go to the bathroom. By the time I got back, this is what I found. Rayne had pulled every toy out of it's place and thrown it on the floor. "I'm sharing EVERYTHING with Caius!" she said. How sweet of her.

Catching up on some pictures

Sometime around Christmas, the kids discovered the joy of playing in the laundry. They tipped over a basket I had sitting in the hallway and that was that. I tried for a while to keep a basket of clean laundry available, but then I got really lazy about matching socks, had to search through the basket to find pairs which I totally hate, and some of the novelty wore off so I finally folded things and put them away. But, Rayne still gets excited to play in the laundry. She loves to be buried and to bury Caius. And one day we made a game out of throwing sock "snowballs" into the basket. What fun!

Trying to say something about reality

Recently a friend was telling me of her latest trial and what she was doing to get through it. I was surprised by some of my reactions, not to her and her situation in particular but to the thoughts about how we get answers and know what to do and how to figure life out.
We are taught about inspiration and divine guidance. I definitely believe in these things. I come from a highly intuitive family and know that if I'm worried about someone, I better make sure they are okay because there probably is a reason they are on my mind.
But sometimes lately I question the reality that lies in our minds. It seems that what is really out there is often SO different than the feelings and thoughts in here.
As I read scriptures and conference talks lately, I'm almost shocked that I keep seeing the message that God doesn't do things FOR us, He gives us the power and strength to do them ourselves. Perhaps that sounds silly. I know He doesn't just come down and solve all our problems. I've just always given credit for any and all success to divine intervention. I've never really felt that my problems were "given" to me in a tailor made way, but I have felt led through them and sometimes even better off for them. So it does surprise me a bit to think that .... what? I'm not sure of my point yet...
I have felt a lot of prayers lately have been answered with what I would call a heavy dose of reality. I keep praying about things that I absolutely KNOW I have no strength, knowledge or ability to do on my own, knowing that I really NEED the help, only to feel that the situation gets worse instead of better. For example, praying that the baby will sleep better at night because I just cannot do another hard night only to be faced with several worse nights than ever. I don't really get that.
And yet, perhaps another situation will illustrate what I'm talking about here. I was really praying about something that I just did not have means, mental or monetary, to deal with. I really felt sure that God could fix the situation and save me from this and in this case it would be totally acceptable for Him to do so- my own little miracle. But, as I mentioned, the situation got worse rather than better. As I sat crying and feeling myself giving up and feeling completely overcome by an outside force of life as if fate or something was conspiring against me, deciding that I just had to play the hand I was dealt, I DID feel something inside me say "no! I will not have it this way. It IS up to me and I will just have to raise to the challenge and take care of it."
In that moment, it didn't matter what parents, husband, or, in some way not to be blasphemous, God had to say. This is MY life and MY home and MY family and I WILL take care of this upset.
It was a strange feeling for me to have. I don't know that I've ever felt like that before. I think I've always felt like I had to deal with what life gave me, wait for the time to be right or inspiration to strike or at least to have some sort of confirmation to move forward in my own thinking.

When I was quite young I had a very personal, spiritual experience that influenced choices for a very long time to come. It was something I thought I had been told to do, something to wait for in a way. Well, this something never happened that way. I still don't understand. Perhaps I made up the experience or gave too much reality to it or something. But even now, knowing how my life all turned out, I can't say I didn't, at that time, KNOW something. So I don't get it. Was it not real? Did life just change it's mind?... My question really is just how do we know when it's real and what's real? And perhaps we are left to our own thinking more than we want to realize?
I've also been thinking about a conversation my brother and I had when we were in high school or just out. The thinking was something like this: Perhaps I grew up wanting to be a cheerleader only to get to high school and realize I would never be one. I was too shy, too big, and too afraid of heights. If I thought I really wanted this or was supposed to be this, I might be critical of those things in myself. But as an adult, I was learning to like me and I knew that it just wasn't who I was and that was okay.
My brother gave the example of wanting to be class president. He said you picture what's in your head almost like a movie montage; the music plays, you see snippets of doing things and laughing and being happy etc. What you don't see is the hard work it took to get there, the challenges, the hardships. And perhaps you think you want it, but when it comes to actually doing it and facing the hard things, you realize you don't because they just aren't worth it to you.
I guess what I'm saying with this is that even in what we think we are or what we want for ourselves, sometimes the reality on the outside is different than what's on the inside. Our very selves and desires are yet to be figured out by living it in cold hard person. It's like the physical, concrete part of life actually playing out is such a necessary, big thing. Perhaps that's why we had to experience earth life?

I don't know if I'm really making any sense. I feel a great big question mark looming over me and yet I feel closer to knowing something than ever.